Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Between 6 weeks, 6 days and 7 weeks, 1 day - Don't care. Just scared.

Tomorrow is u/s day... I have it together pretty well so far, despite the beast that is nausea setting in with force over the weekend. Comparatively, it is still not has bad as I had it with Chris. But, it is getting close.

I can't say I am glad to see it show up - it still gives me no guarantee of a healthy baby. I had morning sickness pretty bad (similar to this) with m/c #3 in 3/06 (bad enough that the anesthesiologist gave me something in the IV line during the d&c so I would wake up without it). Obviously, the nausea didn't indicate a positive outcome...so, I am not sure what to think.

I figured, to ease my mind a bit - and document things for posterity, if this does prove to be a healthy PG in the end - I would list the milestones I have passed without incident (or, better put, the things I couldn't achieve in past m/c's):
  1. I have made it past 4 weeks 1 day with a natural conception (my 1st m/c was technically a chemical conceived naturally...although my doc is counting it as m/c #1). I am somewhere between 6 weeks, 6 days and 7 weeks, 1 day now. This is way farther on a natural conception I have ever gotten...and only my second one at that.
  2. As I indicated here, unlike the past 2 m/c's, my betas are much better this time - at least in doubling times (who's to say what DPO they really are...and I can't nickel and dime that now. They are still good either way.). So, at least the hormones are doing their thing the right way for a change.
  3. I am between 6 weeks, 6 days and 7 weeks, 1 day today. No spotting. No cramping. Even after going out walking one mile a few times in the past 2 weeks. In m/c #2, I was bleeding at 27 DPO (or, about 5 weeks 1 day) and spotting often afterwards.
The big milestone to pass is tomorrow... The u/s:
In my last m/c in 3/06, I was only measuring 6 wks 4 days on u/s day - not the 7 wks 3 days it should have been.
If I can measure on-target tomorrow - between 7 weeks and 7 weeks, 2 days - and then measure on target again at the next u/s (whenever that is scheduled with the MFM clinic)... If we can finally see a heartbeat tomorrow, which I have not seen since my PG with Chris, then I think I can begin to feel a little more comfortable with the idea of this pregnancy.

There are so many hopes of mine riding on this surprise pregnancy...my therapist would have a field day with me if he was reading this!
  • I am so thankful and blessed to have this pregnancy result from no less than an Oops! That has always been my wish...to get knocked up the good 'ol fashioned way. And, now that it has happened, I am so afraid of this blessing being ripped away from me.
  • We finally have a real shot of making Chris an older brother...especially after him basically prompting me to test. I so want that for him. Now that we are a step closer, I am afraid of losing it...and him never knowing the closeness and understanding a sibling can bring.
  • We have only told a select few about this...although my boobs are getting a little difficult to hide now, and a few people are suspecting. I don't want to have to go back and un-tell the select few who know, like I have done two times over. And, I don't want those who suspect what is happening to also suspect what happened again.
I know tomorrow's u/s is only the first step of many. I have a long pregnancy ahead of me, if this pregnancy is deemed viable tomorrow: at last monthly u/s's, double the prenatal checks (and time off from work for them), check-in's with the endocrinologist, b/w, b/w, b/w - and, me being on maternity leave during both of the 2008 summer programs I run (not that I feel guilty about that one!). There is no guarantee this pregnancy is going to make it by looking at the first u/s alone...

...But, it puts us one step closer...one milestone closer to achieving the family I had always dreamed of having.

I so want this to work.

The last time I was in that u/s room, I was confirming my 3/06 miscarriage... Dr. D's u/s room at this new office has nothing but negative memories (all of Chris' u/s's were done at his old office). I am not sure how I am going to react being in that room tomorrow. It has been a long time...


Anonymouse said...

This post is great. I'm not pregnant, but I can so relate to the mixtures of hopes and fears. Thanks for being honest here!

Praying that tomorrow brings the first of a long line of good memories in the u/s room.

dawn said...

Good luck tomorrow. Keep us updated!!!