Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Thinking without "Hope's" and "If's"

Back in early April, Zia and I had a play day in Westfield. Among the places we shopped, we went into was one of those "earthy" stores where they sell spiritual items. As you can tell, we have been in this store several times, where I have bought Oracle cards, incense, etc. I have even gone back with Hubby to purchase things for family too.

When we went in April, I bought a bracelet for "Miracles". Allegedly, you were to wear it and wear it, and when your miracle comes to pass, it will break.

So, I wore it every day from the second I bought it: through the summer programs (where I am assembling materials to distribute, take care of catering, etc.), in the pool at the IL's and ocean on vacation, cleaning on the weekends. Always...except while sleeping (I never sleep with jewelry on). Guess what happened on Friday...

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That's right. It broke.

The cord had been fraying for a while...a couple of weeks, I guess. But, I never took it off.

I felt a snap in the cord before dinner Wednesday night...the night of our anniversary and the night we received the last beta number. But, I left it on.

It finally broke Friday afternoon sitting at my desk at work. Since it is on my right wrist, I guess I put too much pressure on it while using my mouse, and the beads started to come off. So, I grabbed an envelope and put all of the beads in it.

Hubby and I were trying to decide where to go for dinner for our anniversary throughout the week....before the snap in the cord. Since our anniversary was officially on a weeknight, and trying to get out for dinner with a toddler is almost impossible during the week, we opted to wait to celebrate until the weekend. I asked him if we could go into Westfield again for dinner - there is a great restaurant there that Zia introduced us too where we could eat, and we could go back to this store and see if I could get the beads re-strung.

We set out around 4:30 Saturday night to go to the store (meeting Zia and her hubbs around 5:30-ish for dinner at said restaurant - our anniversaries are days apart, and we decided to celebrate together). When we got there, we talked to the lady we usually talk to (we'll call her S). I explained what happened with wearing the bracelet, it breaking, the unexpected pregnancy, my huge fear of m/c'ing again... She advised that, although I could restring the bracelet if I really wanted to, the bracelet has given me the miracle I was looking for. I should just keep it as a part of my past - but, no longer wear it. I didn't need it anymore.

She suggested I buy this one instead and wear it every day of my pregnancy:

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This bracelet is for "protection". And, that is what I really need right now, more than anything. So, I bought it and am wearing it as I type here.

S then mentioned to me how she noticed I was talking in terms of "hope's" and "if's" the entire time I was there.
For example, one of my summer programs was just scheduled for June 8-14th - the week I am due with this baby. When I spoke to my Center Administrator about it last week, I said to her "I haven't had the heart to tell F (my Director) that I may be out during that program."

Yeah, I may be out...if I don't miscarry this pregnancy.
S said I need to make myself talk in terms of "when's" and "will's". I need to be positive about this...make my desire for this pregnancy to hold on a high priority, and not accept the thought of another miscarriage happening. I have to stop statements using "I hope" and "If" because I am allowing fear, doubt and past history rule my wishes...my dreams.

Do you know how hard it is to not cry in the middle of a store, in front of staff, other customers and your hubby, when you are called out like that?

Very hard...and I didn't quite succeed in stopping the tears either.

She is right....I know that. I HAVE TO start thinking about this pregnancy in terms of "I will be bringing a child home in June;" "I will get to wear my green winter maternity coat again this year;" "Chris will be a big brother very soon;" "We will be a family of four, like I had always prayed for."

But, I just don't know how to do that.

How can I really think like that, having been knocked down three times already? How do I start changing how I think?? How do I start willing this pregnancy to stick, be healthy, bring a baby home in the end?

S suggested I buy this book:

Ask and It Is Given by Jerry Hicks and Esther Hicks:

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As per Amazon:
"Ask and It Is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks, which presents the teachings of the nonphysical entity Abraham, will help you learn how to manifest your desires so that you’re living the joyous and fulfilling life you deserve.

As you read, you’ll come to understand how your relationships, health issues, finances, career concerns, and more are influenced by the Universal laws that govern your time/space reality—and you’ll discover powerful processes that will help you go with the positive flow of life. It’s your birthright to live a life filled with everything that is good—and this book will show you how to make it so in every way!"
Sounds like a little who-ey to me, but, I have to start somewhere, right? So, I bought it...and started reading it Sunday. I will see how it goes...

I just don't know how to wrap my head around being able to say "When we bring this baby home in June...." I feel like I am going to jinx myself into another miscarriage. The last time I started thinking positively about a pregnancy, I was being told the baby had passed the week before.

...I need to be prepared, as best I can, if there is no heartbeat next week.

But, at the same time, the guilt of not wishing, praying, pleading hard enough is there too. That was the hardest thing to reconcile with my last miscarriage....I was so guarded about it after the previous loss, that I felt guilty when I lost that angel because I just couldn't be happy...I couldn't allow myself to become attached, to pray.

...And, I felt like I couldn't love that angel enough to keep her with us... I was too afraid to.

I am afraid now.

This pregnancy is a miracle... I just wish I could allow myself to be happy, to think differently...

...To just accept this gift and enjoy it.


The Town Criers said...

I think your heart needs to go wherever it's going right now. It's really hard to let go of fears. But that is an amazing story about the bracelet!

ultimatejourney said...

What an incredible story. I tried not to force myself to let go of my pregnancy fears. It just happened gradually over time.

Adrienne said...

I'm a big believer in things larger than myself - the bracelet only confirms my beliefs (and hopes).

As for the other - thinking in will's instead of if's - that is oh so very hard. It's only as time passes and the painful event doesn't happen, that I'm able to start thinking in terms of will's. I hope it happens sooner for you.

Anns said...

I want a bracelet!
I can only say that I am sure things will get a little easier as the pregnancy progresses. And don't forget, you're now wearing the right bracelet for the new occasion so I'd say you're covered hun.

Hang in there....
Anns xo

Val said...

That gave me cold chills. I struggle with the "if" statements too. Last night at church, our verse was - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Our pastor stressed the importance of being THANKFUL as we ask, knowing God will answer us.

That's a hard thing to do, but I'm going to try it.

Di said...

i have no words that are the answers but i loved your post and i feel the same way. that was a nice consultation you got with the lady at the store! That is sooo weird how your bracelet broke! everything is pointing to this pregnancy in a positive way!
I am thinking nothing but positive thoughts for your u/s next week!!!
love di