Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Coincidences...bringing me to acceptance

Today would have been my third angel's first birthday...and today was also the first sign of my second miscarriage.

Amazing how anniversaries sneak up on you...

But, I am not very sad today. So much has changed, it is rather hard to describe the lack of sadness. Sadness seems to have been replaced with calm. With gratefulness. With lessons learned (the rather hard way).

I am realizing this current pregnancy is revolving around quite a number of coincidences...all that refer back in one way or another to anniversaries of all three of my miscarriages:
  1. 9/19/07 was my approximate ovulation date with this pregnancy...and also the third anniversary of the loss of my first angel on 9/19/04.
  2. My second angel should have been due in 6/06...and I find that I am yet again due in June 2008.
  3. 10/30/05 was the day my bleeding started with my second angel, rollercoastering into knowing that I would eventually lose that baby...and I find myself today trying to hold back the nausea from this surprise pregnancy while trying to get Chris to calm down during his flu shot.
  4. 10/30/06 was my third angel's due date as well, rather impacting what the Halloween celebrations became...until now, as I look at the u/s picture of my beautiful baby.
  5. Did I mention that, if we went by Dr. D's pregnancy wheel, I would be almost 2 weeks ahead of where I actually am, putting my due date at 5/28/08? My first angel would have been due 5/28/05.
So many coincidences...I am not sure what to make of it all.

I miss my angels immensely. There is no doubt about that. But, I am starting to believe, with all of the coincidences before me, that all three losses were my angels' way of saying to step back from the whole process...let things happen the way they should...eventually, when I learn to live again, everything will be right.

I have been living again...enjoying my time with Chris and DH again, really like I used to before we started TTC again in July 2005.

Makes me wonder...

- If I didn't go through these losses, how long would it have taken for us to find out about the underlying medical problems that needed to be addressed?

- Would my body have eventually figured out what to do on its own?

- Would I have let go of the idea of another child and stop charting, opening the door wide open to this baby's surprise?

I think I can finally say I have learned from my angels. I finally listened to what they wanted me to hear. I was too set on doing things in MY time to listen to them, or to anyone. When I finally stopped the obsessing, the controlling, the planning - things have happened the way they should have.

And, the joke was on us...with message provided through Chris mentioning something about a baby sister out of the blue on a simple Saturday night.

I am forever grateful for this lesson... I hope I can continue to learn, and to quit the controlling ways that have ruled my personality for so long.

I love you, my angel babies. I always will, no matter what. And, thank you. I know, with all three of you watching, the chances of this baby holding on and making it through are that much greater.


Rachel said...

I am so glad that with all the heartache you have experienced something positive resulted. I am so happy that this pregnancy is going well, and that you are really enjoying it.

The Town Criers said...

Those coincidences are amazing. It gave me chills.

Manda said...

Woah, all those coincidences are crazy...maybe someone up there trying to tell you that it's all right? I like to think that God rejoices in turning our sorrows into joy...that's just me. I hope that the tough things keep recycling into joys for you!!

Jessica said...

Wow those are some coincidences. Everything that happens makes us who we are today. I'm sad that so much has happened that you have to remember. I am praying for you to have this safe, healthy pregnancy for a very happy ending with a beautiful baby in your arms in June- I can't wait!!!

Anonymous said...

Tina, what wonderfully amazing conincidences *hugs* I just had a 2nd loss (would've been due on 5/28/08) and reading your posts and how you just refused to give up leaves the door open for wonderful surprises in the future. I hope your pregnancy flies by with no worries and many pink vibes your way!

Take care and thanks for being so inspirational.

Anonymous said...

Every thing happens for a reason... sometimes it takes us a while to understand what those reasons are.

-Amy from FF