Thursday, January 11, 2007

Making precious time for me

Dr. P will be happy on Monday that I am finally making some time for me these days - time that, quite frankly, I didn't feel I "needed" or was "owed."

I am a working mother - and I have felt that, up until this New Year, that every waking second I was not at work or doing household chores NEEDED to be spent with Chris. I figured I would have time after he was grown (or, at least in school) to pursue my interests again and spend some time on me. I needed to spend this time on him and him only.

Obviously, that hasn't worked for me - or us as a family - now has it? It has backfired completely and now I am left trying to pick up the pieces of what I have done to me and to all of us.

My MIL said something very telling to me on the phone last night. We talk daily, and five minute phone calls often turn into half hour gab sessions. She said, "Be grateful you are figuring this out now, not 30+ years from now like me." What she didn't say out-loud is that she is realizing she has done the same thing as me for 30+ years and she is only getting the courage to learn to say no to things through how "public" I have chosen my recovery to be. I have turned into my MIL in some ways - ways that I am trying to reverse, and so is she at the age of almost 60.

So, I have spent every night since New Year's Day reading for at least one hour - feet up, snuggled into a blanket, quiet music on - as Hubby puts Chris to sleep. This is no way a New Year's Resolution. I haven't made one of those in many, many years. This is a project in self-healing, growth, and finding some peace in my own skin. I have finished 2 books already, and am on to a third:

This one I was trying to finish since I started it in July 06: A Sundog Moment, by Sharon Baldacci
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This one I finishing in three days - but it is a "shorty": For One More Day, by Mitch Albom
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This one I am currently reading and blowing through fast (and, anyone of strong Italian heritage would love this one): I Love You Like A Tomato, by Marie Giordano
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I also bought on Amazon a few books on meditation and alternative medicine to help with healing myself from the anxiety and sadness of the past year or so. Dr. P wanted me to find ways to do this, so I am starting with books to look for suggestions.

This time for me has been very refreshing and calming...and I honestly don't feel guilty for taking it anymore. I used to - which is why I think I had stopped reading a long time ago. Time wasn't "available" to do it. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I am taking the day off tomorrow to take my mom to the hospital to see my dad (surgery went A-OK yesterday...and he is comfortable on the pain meds!) - while I am waiting for her to say she's ready, I am going to schedule an appointment to get my hair cut and colored. I haven't had it done since before Suzi's wedding and it is getting bad looking! Roots and all.

Monday we are off for MLK Day - I am planning on spending some time with Zia getting some very yummy smoothies (even if it is cold!) and catching up. I am leaving Chris with my MIL for that time...although I will have the early morning with him. Then, I am off to see Dr. P with my progress.

...So, any suggestions on books to read is welcome...


The Town Criers said...

Tons of book suggestions--but you have to tell me what you want. Totally mindless? Literary fiction? Non-fiction?

This sounds perfect. Very smart. You do need that time for yourself and it sends a message to your child too--that people are complete human beings. We do a plethora of things. And taking care of oneself is important.

Dana said...

That's great that you are taking time for you! It's so hard to do.
As for book suggestions: The Five People You Meet in Heaven, The Davinci Code and Angels and Demons by Dan Brown-both very exciting!

Jessica said...

Tina, I don't have any suggestions for book reading because I'm not really a reader. Can't stay focused enough I guess. But I'm glad that you found ones that seem really good and I'm glad you are doing somethng for yourself. I've been thinking about you a lot lately (missing you too).
Glad your dad's surgery went well and I hope you had a good day off on Monday.

dianne said...

argh!! i posted the other night and it did not put it! i knew there was a problem.. and now i dont remember what i wrote!