Wednesday, January 03, 2007

(Re-)Learning to Live

Ah....the first post of the New Year! Welcome, 2007. I am glad you are here! I have been waiting for you a very long time...

Well, this is the first time I have really been on the PC (other than on my first day back at work yesterday) since I had off for the Christmas break on December 22nd. I have not charted anything on FF or on TCOYF, have not been on the message boards I usually frequent, have not been on my BG's (I am very sorry about that, ladies - I miss you all! And, I promise to get back to you very soon.), have not been on my blog posting, and have not been on my e-mail (C: I got your e-mail from December 23rd...I will respond to it as soon as I can. Thank you from the bottom of my heart - it meant a lot to me. And, thank you for reading here. Comment when you want to.).

I am sorry to all for being MIA - but, I have finally realized that I have been drenching myself in trying to help others, sharing my stories of loss and heartache for the past year desparately trying to search for answers and peace for myself... And, that pattern is just not working. It is not healing my soul. In fact, it is prolonging the healing process and I am allowing that search for healing and happiness to hurt me physically. So, I needed to stop it...and a break from work was the best place to start.

I bought a new calendar this week for 2007...a calendar "For Women Who Do Too Much." The quote for January 2nd was:
"Happiness comes when you least expect it, and rarely when you try to make it happen. (All we need to do is notice it.)"
I have been trying to make happiness happen for the past year...and I am finally seeing what that has done to me. I have lost time with Chris (which I never, ever wanted to do), I have lost time with Hubby and have allowed my body to suffer because of it. I have not been living my life... I have been trying to make myself live my life, and I just can't try anymore.

I need to re-learn how to live.

To backtrack back into what went on during the last week of 2006...
  • My FIL ended up being admitted to the hospital on December 22nd because they found (very early) the start of an infection in the bone of where his pinky toe used to be attached to (he had his toes on his left foot removed several years ago because of the original wound and infection). The infected bone was surgically removed and he will be on IV antibotics for about 1-2 weeks more. BUT, the great news is that the wound is finally beginning to close and that the hyperbaric treatments that he has been going to for weeks may actually close this wound for good - no graft needed! Keep your fingers crossed! It would finally put an end to this unending cycle of woundcare and infection he has been living with since 2002!
  • It was confirmed via MRI that my mom did, in fact, have a mini-stroke at some point in the past that caused her first fall... She is not on an aspirin regimine and has to follow-up with the doc to see what else needs to be done. Her bones from the falls are healing...but it takes her soooo long to do anything right now, and she tires so easily. Hopefully, now that we know what is happening, she will heal and be treated appropriately so she doesn't have another episode!
  • My dad's hip replacement is one week from today... Thanksfully, his insurance company and the surgeon's office has everything set in place and there are minimal questions going into it. Just have to work out with my sister who will cover what with getting my mom back and forth to the hospital...
  • Hubby started at the new office last week...and it has already proved to be a disaster. He has not yet gotten home when he hoped to, and he has already had to go up to the office (which is now 1+ hours away) to pick things up when he was missing something to work on from home. Not sure how long he is going to be able to keep this up - or me. But, for now, it is a paycheck that we need. He is increasing his search for a new job...
  • Chris ended the year with a lovely cold, which has since started to share with me and my MIL. Poor thing...he as been so miserable with it. But, it is finally on its way out.
  • Dr. S called me to tell me my TSH is up to 2.405 - Technically, still normal, but my TSH has been making a very slow crawl upwards now since June and it is not going back down at all. Since we are putting off TTC for a while, she decided to wait on starting meds - but, since I spoke with her, I have new questions on whether I may actually need to be on something. I have lost more weight (and fit very well into Size 8 jeans) without exercising at all, my heart is racing more often than not, my hands are still trembling, my hair is falling out, and I am tired all of the time. So, I left a message for her yesterday to talk about this and maybe start something sooner.
  • Of course, the higher TSH number is also coinciding with my higher stress level, so I may just need a higher dose of meds. I don't want to rely on Xanex when I have an anxiety attack (which still starts around dinner time, just not always as bad). Lexapro is treating me fairly well...but I made the decision to ask my doc to up the doseage to 10 mg yesterday. The holidays were rough to get through and although it has taken the edge off, it has not helped 100% to get my head a little clearer. He agreed and I started the 10 mg this morning. We will re-evaluate at the end of next week to see how the increase does.
There has been a lot going on in a short period of time. I understand that. And these are things I have no control over....But, I have to find a way to relax a little, enjoy my life again and live.

I met with Dr. P last week and he said I need to stop trying to make some things perfect when other things cannot be. I need to try to find time for myself, rediscover what I enjoy and try something like meditation or yoga. I need to live and love again...

Which is why I have been off the PC the bulk of the break. In trying to live and love last week, I realized how much I have lost touch with myself and those around me. I have forgotten what it was like to really have fun with Chris, relax with Hubby and sit quietly and read. I have lost interest in all of my the pursuit to heal.

The seemingly simple task of heading out to the mall to pick up some things I needed, like boots for me and clothes for Chris, was like torcher on Sunday afternoon as Hubby helped me to get through the trip and realize it just wasn't a big deal. I was crying in Sbarro's because I realized how much of a hermit I have turned myself into, thinking I was helping myself by immersing myself with those who felt the same way I do. I created anxiety for myself in my quest to feel better....

....And sometimes you just can't force yourself to heal.

This is not to say I will never be back on the message boards or blogs - I just need to balance that sharing with real life and live my life.

"Happiness comes when you least expect it, and rarely when you try to make it happen. (All we need to do is notice it.)"

This is my lesson...and what I need to learn to live.

So, in that vein, here is an "oldie" but goodie I would like to share. Yikes! I didn't realize this was from 1991! Guess you can tell what I listened to in High School! (and still do)...

Learning to Live
by Dream Theater

There was no time for pain
No energy for anger
The sightlessness of hatred slips away
Walking through winter streets alone
He stops and takes a breath
With confidence and self control

I look at the world and see no understanding
Im waiting to find some sense of strength
Im begging you from the bottom of my heart to show some understanding

I need to live life
Like some people never will
So find me kindness
Find me beauty
Find me truth
When temptation brings me to my knees
And I lay here drained on stength
Show me kindness
Show me beauty
Show me truth

The ways that your heart sounds makes all the difference
Its what decides if youll endure the pain that we all feel
The way that your heart beats makes all the difference
In learning to live
Here before me is my soul
Im learning to live
I wont give up
Till Ive no more to give

Listening to the city
Whispering its violence
I set out watching from above
The 90s bring new questions
New solutions to be found
I fell in love to be let down

Once again we dance in the crowd
At times a step away
From a common fear thats all spread out
It wont listen to what you say
Once youre touched and you stand alone
To face the bitter fight
Once I reached for love
And now I reach for life

Another chance to lift my life
Free the sensation in my heart
To ride the wings of dreams into changing horizons
It brings inner peace within my mind,
As Im lifted from where Ive split my life
I hear an innocnet voice
I hear kindness, beauty and truth

The way your heart sounds makes all the difference
Its what decides if youll endure the pain that we all feel
The way your heart beats makes all the difference
In learning to live
Spread before you is your soul
So forever hold the dreams within our hearts
Through natures inflexible grace

Although this song "dates" me a bit, it is really defining where I stand in my life right now... I am (re-)learning to live.


Anonymous said...

AMEN to that January 2nd quote!

love ya,

dawn said...

Here's to 2007!