Tuesday, April 18, 2006

One step forward, two steps back

I keep feeling like I am taking one step forward in this journey, to only take two steps back...

It's been 4 weeks now since my 2nd d&c - my 3rd miscarriage. Where am I now? A mess, to say the least.

I haven't had a moment's break to even try to begin to heal from the past few months, and it's really starting to show at work and at home. Work has been crazy and sleep lacking, and by the time I get home at night, all I want to do is go to bed...only to start another sleepless night and another moody day. The path is in place to start this healing, but it feels like I am constantly stalling out until I have some answers as to why this is happening in the first place.

I had hopes that at 4 weeks out of this last loss, and 2 days shy of 5 months after the second, I might be able to talk about it without getting upset...but I still do. When does this end? Will this feeling of hollowness ever end?

It amazes me how different I feel about things now...

...The only thing that brings me real joy is my family - the family I so desperately want to add to, but can't seem to make "complete".

...I feel like my body is making a farce out of me. One of my BG-er's posted a question on her blog: Which is worse - to be "infertile" or to miscarry. How does one really answer that? Being on both sides of it now, neither is worse or better to go through. My body is letting me down in both instances. How does a person chose between not getting pregnant at all, or knowing you can yet losing the baby each time you succeed?

...I feel like a traitor to a select friend who has been trying for so long to try to conceive, yet she has no child to hold - I do have a child to kiss goodnight, yet these losses have hit me so hard. How can I be so grateful for my Chris, yet feel so hollow after these losses?

Thank goodness I have so many people in my life who remind me almost every day that how I feel right now is NORMAL. At least that makes me feel less like a crazy lady... Otherwise, if I had just met the current "me," I'd think I was off my rocker.

Answers...all I want to find some closure is some answers. Is that much to ask for?

1 comment:

Jessica said...

I'm not sure that I have answers for you but I wanted to share my :hugs: with you!