Friday, April 28, 2006

Losing again...a baby girl

Lee at my ob/gyn's office called yesterday - the pathology report from the last d&c was in. This took much longer than the pathology report from the 11/05 d&e, but probably because we had a baby this time. I wasn't expecting a phone call out of the blue though, I was expecting to hear this information when we went in for the consult after all of the recurrent loss testing was back. After catching my breath, she said all tests were normal. So, there was nothing wrong with the baby - even though she stopped growing... Yes, she. Lee asked me if I wanted to know the gender, since it was determined this time, and I said yes. I needed to know. It would have been a baby girl.

I feel like I am losing this baby all over again... I needed to know the gender, to help me find closure. But, I guess I wasn't really ready to find out it would have been a girl. It would have been the perfect family that I always dreamed of - an older boy followed by a younger girl. There are so many feelings coming back to me: hurt, disappointment, anger, sadness... Christopher would have been the best protector of her. He would have been so good to this still nameless baby girl.

But, I am glad to know. And, the strangest thing is, I bought a memory box for the items of this PG I had - and all I could find at the store that matched the first box I have from my 11/05 miscarraige was a box with pink accents on it. Maybe I always knew it would be a girl, and the confirmation is what is hitting hard. But, I know.

Now, onto the next drama...

Lee also said that Dr. D has cleared us to try to conceive again.... Eh???? Uh.... What happened to the testing that we were waiting to start? The reason I keep going back for those stupid betas? So, I told her that we were still waiting for January - I am in no way ready to try again right now. BUT, I have to be insistant that we do the testing anyway - no matter the outcomes of the pathology reports. With my mother's medical history, and how some of her autoimmune disorders can affect PG if you have them, cannot be ignored. I need to know FOR SURE that this is not the reason for these three losses. I can't knowingly TTC again without knowing that. So, she said she would talk to Dr. D for me (he had clinic day yesterday) and express my concerns about it. After all, it is MY blood they will be drawing for these tests....shouldn't I have a say in that decision? If he feels we don't need to do it, I am going to talk to my GP...maybe he can do it.

So, for now, I am yet in another holding pattern.

On the good side, my GP has changed my meds, which is a good step to healing - I am starting out on a mild anti-anxiety med which should help me to stop ruminating over things at night and finally get some sleep. I will only be on it a short time - he wants counseling to be the real healer here and once that starts, I should be able to come off the med. He gave me two names of counselors to call...which I will be doing today. Here's hoping this can start setting my mind at ease...

Songs for the moment are from The Boss, Bruce Springsteen. Funny that these are the songs that are bringing peace at the moment - I used to HATE Bruce when I was younger. But, The Rising came out in 2003, right when I found out I was pregnant with Chris. Hubby and I went to see him in concert when I was about 8 weeks
pregnant with Chris and it was one of the best concerts I ever went too. I FINALLY understood his music then...and it is bringing some peace now... Enjoy!


"The Rising"
by Bruce Springsteen

Can't see nothin' in front of me
Can't see nothin' coming up behind
I make my way through this darkness
I can't feel nothing but this chain that binds me
Lost track of how far I've gone
How far I've gone, how high I've climbed
On my back's a sixty pound stone
On my shoulder a half mile line

Come on up for the rising
Com on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight

Left the house this morning
Bells ringing filled the air
Wearin' the cross of my calling
On wheels of fire I come rollin' down here

Come on up for the rising
Come on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight

Li,li, li,li,li,li, li,li,li

Spirits above and behind me
Faces gone, black eyes burnin' bright
May their precious blood forever bind me
Lord as I stand before your fiery light

Li,li, li,li,li,li, li,li,li

I see you Mary in the garden
In the garden of a thousand sighs
There's holy pictures of our children
Dancin' in a sky filled with light
May I feel your arms around me
May I feel your blood mix with mine
A dream of life comes to me
Like a catfish dancin' on the end of the line

Sky of blackness and sorrow ( a dream of life)
Sky of love, sky of tears (a dream of life)
Sky of glory and sadness ( a dream of life)
Sky of mercy, sky of fear ( a dream of life)
Sky of memory and shadow ( a dream of life)
Your burnin' wind fills my arms tonight
Sky of longing and emptiness (a dream of life)
Sky of fullness, sky of blessed life ( a dream of life)

Come on up for the rising
Come on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight
Li,li, li,li,li,li, li,li,li


"My City Of Ruins "
by Bruce Springsteen

There is a blood red circle
On the cold dark ground
And the rain is falling down
The church door's thrown open
I can hear the organ's song
But the congregation's gone
My city of ruins
My city of ruins

Now the sweet bells of mercy
Drift through the evening trees
Young men on the corner
Like scattered leaves,
The boarded up windows,
The empty streets
While my brother's down on his knees
My city of ruins
My city of ruins

Come on, rise up! Come on, rise up!
Come on, rise up! Come on, rise up!
Come on, rise up! Come on, rise up!

Now's there's tears on the pillow
Darlin' where we slept
And you took my heart when you left
Without your sweet kiss
My soul is lost, my friend
Tell me how do I begin again?
My city's in ruins
My city's in ruins

Now with these hands,
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray Lord
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray for the strength, Lord
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray for the faith, Lord
We pray for your love, Lord
We pray for the lost, Lord
We pray for this world, Lord
We pray for the strength, Lord
We pray for the strength, Lord

Come on
Come on
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up

1 comment:

Jessica said...

I can feel your pain. Being told the sex makes it feel that more real to you I am sure. Thinking wow that was my baby girl. I felt a tug at my heart reading this and I can only imagine the depths of your emotions.

:hugs: