Yesterday started off like a normal Saturday - sleeping in a bit later, sharing breakfast, playing.
Hubby and his dad took Chris to get a haircut (his sixth in two years, but they always feel like his first because he screams, kicks and struggles through the whole thing). He came home with a wonderful haircut, and the remnants of strawberry icecream on his face and coat. He was spent and took a nap quickly.
Then, after lunch, we headed out to M&J's house for M's birthday - E&T from previous posts would be there as well, and all three of our children. We BBQ's, talked, played - the usual for when we get together. But, around 7 pm, Chris was getting tired and before he got super cranked, we decided it was time to head home. We gathered our things up - which took a lot longer since everything was scattered all over the place - bucked Chris in the car, and we headed on our way to Route 78...
About two minutes after we got on to Route 78 East, all three lanes came to a dead stop. No warning, no slow down before it - a complete stop. Then, a parade of ambulances, firetrucks, State Police began on the shoulder of the road, and in the distance you could begin to hear a helicopter - Northstar was enroute as well. Everyone in New Jersey knows that, if the traffic comes to a complete stop and you see Northstar, the accident was NOT going to be "pretty." There we stood, everyone in their cars, from 7:15 pm until well past 8:15 pm, windows open, music playing, people talking to each other or on cell phones. As for us, we had a great time playing with Chris - we freed the piggies from the stuffy shoes he was wearing, turned up Bruce Springsteen, and had a grand 'ol time. He did very well through it all - no fussing, no cranking.
Finally, around 8:30 pm, traffic started creeping forward and we came up to the crash site rather quickly, as it was about a 1/4 mile ahead - not that far ahead of us! We had no idea it was that close.
We came up to it and it really was a terrible mess: a minivan, facing the Westbound direction, on it's roof, the cabin area crunched into the asphalt; a Blazer-like small SUV on it's side with the back axel completely sheered off the car; medical remnants all over the roadway from where they were treating the people hurt. I can't imagine that everyone made it in that crash - it was just too gruesome of a crash.
Hubby and I said our prayers...we had to. All we could think of is that, had it taken a few less minutes to clean up Chris' toys, we could have been right in the middle of this. I do believe our Angels were watching up last night...delaying us a few moments to buy us some time, to miss being in this accident. This is the first time I have felt them so near - so close to all of us. And, I am so grateful.
We kept our promise this morning - went to Church again, 3 weeks in a row. Didn't realize the 9:30 am mass would be when the children of the parish made their First Communion. Watching all of those young kids, all in white, could only make me pray that any kids involved last night were okay. On the way out of Church today, Hubby and I, unbeknownst to each other, lit candles for those in the accident and for our angels...
Whomever reads this post, please pray for those people last night...no matter the cause of that accident, we pray all are okay today.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Losing again...a baby girl
Lee at my ob/gyn's office called yesterday - the pathology report from the last d&c was in. This took much longer than the pathology report from the 11/05 d&e, but probably because we had a baby this time. I wasn't expecting a phone call out of the blue though, I was expecting to hear this information when we went in for the consult after all of the recurrent loss testing was back. After catching my breath, she said all tests were normal. So, there was nothing wrong with the baby - even though she stopped growing... Yes, she. Lee asked me if I wanted to know the gender, since it was determined this time, and I said yes. I needed to know. It would have been a baby girl.
I feel like I am losing this baby all over again... I needed to know the gender, to help me find closure. But, I guess I wasn't really ready to find out it would have been a girl. It would have been the perfect family that I always dreamed of - an older boy followed by a younger girl. There are so many feelings coming back to me: hurt, disappointment, anger, sadness... Christopher would have been the best protector of her. He would have been so good to this still nameless baby girl.
But, I am glad to know. And, the strangest thing is, I bought a memory box for the items of this PG I had - and all I could find at the store that matched the first box I have from my 11/05 miscarraige was a box with pink accents on it. Maybe I always knew it would be a girl, and the confirmation is what is hitting hard. But, I know.
Now, onto the next drama...
Lee also said that Dr. D has cleared us to try to conceive again.... Eh???? Uh.... What happened to the testing that we were waiting to start? The reason I keep going back for those stupid betas? So, I told her that we were still waiting for January - I am in no way ready to try again right now. BUT, I have to be insistant that we do the testing anyway - no matter the outcomes of the pathology reports. With my mother's medical history, and how some of her autoimmune disorders can affect PG if you have them, cannot be ignored. I need to know FOR SURE that this is not the reason for these three losses. I can't knowingly TTC again without knowing that. So, she said she would talk to Dr. D for me (he had clinic day yesterday) and express my concerns about it. After all, it is MY blood they will be drawing for these tests....shouldn't I have a say in that decision? If he feels we don't need to do it, I am going to talk to my GP...maybe he can do it.
So, for now, I am yet in another holding pattern.
On the good side, my GP has changed my meds, which is a good step to healing - I am starting out on a mild anti-anxiety med which should help me to stop ruminating over things at night and finally get some sleep. I will only be on it a short time - he wants counseling to be the real healer here and once that starts, I should be able to come off the med. He gave me two names of counselors to call...which I will be doing today. Here's hoping this can start setting my mind at ease...
Songs for the moment are from The Boss, Bruce Springsteen. Funny that these are the songs that are bringing peace at the moment - I used to HATE Bruce when I was younger. But, The Rising came out in 2003, right when I found out I was pregnant with Chris. Hubby and I went to see him in concert when I was about 8 weeks
pregnant with Chris and it was one of the best concerts I ever went too. I FINALLY understood his music then...and it is bringing some peace now... Enjoy!
"The Rising"
by Bruce Springsteen
Can't see nothin' in front of me
Can't see nothin' coming up behind
I make my way through this darkness
I can't feel nothing but this chain that binds me
Lost track of how far I've gone
How far I've gone, how high I've climbed
On my back's a sixty pound stone
On my shoulder a half mile line
Come on up for the rising
Com on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight
Left the house this morning
Bells ringing filled the air
Wearin' the cross of my calling
On wheels of fire I come rollin' down here
Come on up for the rising
Come on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight
Li,li, li,li,li,li, li,li,li
Spirits above and behind me
Faces gone, black eyes burnin' bright
May their precious blood forever bind me
Lord as I stand before your fiery light
Li,li, li,li,li,li, li,li,li
I see you Mary in the garden
In the garden of a thousand sighs
There's holy pictures of our children
Dancin' in a sky filled with light
May I feel your arms around me
May I feel your blood mix with mine
A dream of life comes to me
Like a catfish dancin' on the end of the line
Sky of blackness and sorrow ( a dream of life)
Sky of love, sky of tears (a dream of life)
Sky of glory and sadness ( a dream of life)
Sky of mercy, sky of fear ( a dream of life)
Sky of memory and shadow ( a dream of life)
Your burnin' wind fills my arms tonight
Sky of longing and emptiness (a dream of life)
Sky of fullness, sky of blessed life ( a dream of life)
Come on up for the rising
Come on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight
Li,li, li,li,li,li, li,li,li
"My City Of Ruins "
by Bruce Springsteen
There is a blood red circle
On the cold dark ground
And the rain is falling down
The church door's thrown open
I can hear the organ's song
But the congregation's gone
My city of ruins
My city of ruins
Now the sweet bells of mercy
Drift through the evening trees
Young men on the corner
Like scattered leaves,
The boarded up windows,
The empty streets
While my brother's down on his knees
My city of ruins
My city of ruins
Come on, rise up! Come on, rise up!
Come on, rise up! Come on, rise up!
Come on, rise up! Come on, rise up!
Now's there's tears on the pillow
Darlin' where we slept
And you took my heart when you left
Without your sweet kiss
My soul is lost, my friend
Tell me how do I begin again?
My city's in ruins
My city's in ruins
Now with these hands,
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray Lord
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray for the strength, Lord
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray for the faith, Lord
We pray for your love, Lord
We pray for the lost, Lord
We pray for this world, Lord
We pray for the strength, Lord
We pray for the strength, Lord
Come on
Come on
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
I feel like I am losing this baby all over again... I needed to know the gender, to help me find closure. But, I guess I wasn't really ready to find out it would have been a girl. It would have been the perfect family that I always dreamed of - an older boy followed by a younger girl. There are so many feelings coming back to me: hurt, disappointment, anger, sadness... Christopher would have been the best protector of her. He would have been so good to this still nameless baby girl.
But, I am glad to know. And, the strangest thing is, I bought a memory box for the items of this PG I had - and all I could find at the store that matched the first box I have from my 11/05 miscarraige was a box with pink accents on it. Maybe I always knew it would be a girl, and the confirmation is what is hitting hard. But, I know.
Now, onto the next drama...
Lee also said that Dr. D has cleared us to try to conceive again.... Eh???? Uh.... What happened to the testing that we were waiting to start? The reason I keep going back for those stupid betas? So, I told her that we were still waiting for January - I am in no way ready to try again right now. BUT, I have to be insistant that we do the testing anyway - no matter the outcomes of the pathology reports. With my mother's medical history, and how some of her autoimmune disorders can affect PG if you have them, cannot be ignored. I need to know FOR SURE that this is not the reason for these three losses. I can't knowingly TTC again without knowing that. So, she said she would talk to Dr. D for me (he had clinic day yesterday) and express my concerns about it. After all, it is MY blood they will be drawing for these tests....shouldn't I have a say in that decision? If he feels we don't need to do it, I am going to talk to my GP...maybe he can do it.
So, for now, I am yet in another holding pattern.
On the good side, my GP has changed my meds, which is a good step to healing - I am starting out on a mild anti-anxiety med which should help me to stop ruminating over things at night and finally get some sleep. I will only be on it a short time - he wants counseling to be the real healer here and once that starts, I should be able to come off the med. He gave me two names of counselors to call...which I will be doing today. Here's hoping this can start setting my mind at ease...
Songs for the moment are from The Boss, Bruce Springsteen. Funny that these are the songs that are bringing peace at the moment - I used to HATE Bruce when I was younger. But, The Rising came out in 2003, right when I found out I was pregnant with Chris. Hubby and I went to see him in concert when I was about 8 weeks
pregnant with Chris and it was one of the best concerts I ever went too. I FINALLY understood his music then...and it is bringing some peace now... Enjoy!
"The Rising"
by Bruce Springsteen
Can't see nothin' in front of me
Can't see nothin' coming up behind
I make my way through this darkness
I can't feel nothing but this chain that binds me
Lost track of how far I've gone
How far I've gone, how high I've climbed
On my back's a sixty pound stone
On my shoulder a half mile line
Come on up for the rising
Com on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight
Left the house this morning
Bells ringing filled the air
Wearin' the cross of my calling
On wheels of fire I come rollin' down here
Come on up for the rising
Come on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight
Li,li, li,li,li,li, li,li,li
Spirits above and behind me
Faces gone, black eyes burnin' bright
May their precious blood forever bind me
Lord as I stand before your fiery light
Li,li, li,li,li,li, li,li,li
I see you Mary in the garden
In the garden of a thousand sighs
There's holy pictures of our children
Dancin' in a sky filled with light
May I feel your arms around me
May I feel your blood mix with mine
A dream of life comes to me
Like a catfish dancin' on the end of the line
Sky of blackness and sorrow ( a dream of life)
Sky of love, sky of tears (a dream of life)
Sky of glory and sadness ( a dream of life)
Sky of mercy, sky of fear ( a dream of life)
Sky of memory and shadow ( a dream of life)
Your burnin' wind fills my arms tonight
Sky of longing and emptiness (a dream of life)
Sky of fullness, sky of blessed life ( a dream of life)
Come on up for the rising
Come on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight
Li,li, li,li,li,li, li,li,li
"My City Of Ruins "
by Bruce Springsteen
There is a blood red circle
On the cold dark ground
And the rain is falling down
The church door's thrown open
I can hear the organ's song
But the congregation's gone
My city of ruins
My city of ruins
Now the sweet bells of mercy
Drift through the evening trees
Young men on the corner
Like scattered leaves,
The boarded up windows,
The empty streets
While my brother's down on his knees
My city of ruins
My city of ruins
Come on, rise up! Come on, rise up!
Come on, rise up! Come on, rise up!
Come on, rise up! Come on, rise up!
Now's there's tears on the pillow
Darlin' where we slept
And you took my heart when you left
Without your sweet kiss
My soul is lost, my friend
Tell me how do I begin again?
My city's in ruins
My city's in ruins
Now with these hands,
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray Lord
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray for the strength, Lord
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray for the faith, Lord
We pray for your love, Lord
We pray for the lost, Lord
We pray for this world, Lord
We pray for the strength, Lord
We pray for the strength, Lord
Come on
Come on
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Quotes with meaning
Every day on my way to work, I pass a small, non-denominational church set back a bit from the main road. They change the saying every few days...and sometimes what they post up there catch my eye.
The past few days, since the end of the Easter season, this has been posted:
"Can't sleep? Don't count sheep, try counting on the Good Shephard."
Gee, how fitting is that for me right now?
The past few days, since the end of the Easter season, this has been posted:
"Can't sleep? Don't count sheep, try counting on the Good Shephard."
Gee, how fitting is that for me right now?
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
One step forward, two steps back
I keep feeling like I am taking one step forward in this journey, to only take two steps back...
It's been 4 weeks now since my 2nd d&c - my 3rd miscarriage. Where am I now? A mess, to say the least.
I haven't had a moment's break to even try to begin to heal from the past few months, and it's really starting to show at work and at home. Work has been crazy and sleep lacking, and by the time I get home at night, all I want to do is go to bed...only to start another sleepless night and another moody day. The path is in place to start this healing, but it feels like I am constantly stalling out until I have some answers as to why this is happening in the first place.
I had hopes that at 4 weeks out of this last loss, and 2 days shy of 5 months after the second, I might be able to talk about it without getting upset...but I still do. When does this end? Will this feeling of hollowness ever end?
It amazes me how different I feel about things now...
...The only thing that brings me real joy is my family - the family I so desperately want to add to, but can't seem to make "complete".
...I feel like my body is making a farce out of me. One of my BG-er's posted a question on her blog: Which is worse - to be "infertile" or to miscarry. How does one really answer that? Being on both sides of it now, neither is worse or better to go through. My body is letting me down in both instances. How does a person chose between not getting pregnant at all, or knowing you can yet losing the baby each time you succeed?
...I feel like a traitor to a select friend who has been trying for so long to try to conceive, yet she has no child to hold - I do have a child to kiss goodnight, yet these losses have hit me so hard. How can I be so grateful for my Chris, yet feel so hollow after these losses?
Thank goodness I have so many people in my life who remind me almost every day that how I feel right now is NORMAL. At least that makes me feel less like a crazy lady... Otherwise, if I had just met the current "me," I'd think I was off my rocker.
Answers...all I want to find some closure is some answers. Is that much to ask for?
It's been 4 weeks now since my 2nd d&c - my 3rd miscarriage. Where am I now? A mess, to say the least.
I haven't had a moment's break to even try to begin to heal from the past few months, and it's really starting to show at work and at home. Work has been crazy and sleep lacking, and by the time I get home at night, all I want to do is go to bed...only to start another sleepless night and another moody day. The path is in place to start this healing, but it feels like I am constantly stalling out until I have some answers as to why this is happening in the first place.
I had hopes that at 4 weeks out of this last loss, and 2 days shy of 5 months after the second, I might be able to talk about it without getting upset...but I still do. When does this end? Will this feeling of hollowness ever end?
It amazes me how different I feel about things now...
...The only thing that brings me real joy is my family - the family I so desperately want to add to, but can't seem to make "complete".
...I feel like my body is making a farce out of me. One of my BG-er's posted a question on her blog: Which is worse - to be "infertile" or to miscarry. How does one really answer that? Being on both sides of it now, neither is worse or better to go through. My body is letting me down in both instances. How does a person chose between not getting pregnant at all, or knowing you can yet losing the baby each time you succeed?
...I feel like a traitor to a select friend who has been trying for so long to try to conceive, yet she has no child to hold - I do have a child to kiss goodnight, yet these losses have hit me so hard. How can I be so grateful for my Chris, yet feel so hollow after these losses?
Thank goodness I have so many people in my life who remind me almost every day that how I feel right now is NORMAL. At least that makes me feel less like a crazy lady... Otherwise, if I had just met the current "me," I'd think I was off my rocker.
Answers...all I want to find some closure is some answers. Is that much to ask for?
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Well, I didn't get struck down by lightening...
...Yes, we made it to church today! Amazing how it's been a year since the last time I went to go willingly (meaning, not for a baptism or wedding), and how much things have changed between then and now.
But, through it all - Chris was excellent during mass! Probably the only quite little one there. And, I have found a little bit of peace going back...not much, but some. I hope to continue going every Sunday as best I can...and maybe I can start finding some of the answers I am looking for.
Happy Easter to those who celebrate.
But, through it all - Chris was excellent during mass! Probably the only quite little one there. And, I have found a little bit of peace going back...not much, but some. I hope to continue going every Sunday as best I can...and maybe I can start finding some of the answers I am looking for.
Happy Easter to those who celebrate.
Friday, April 14, 2006
A few steps in the right direction
My appointment with my GP yesterday was probably one of the most productive medical appointments I've had in a long time. After telling him what has been going on over the past few months (and specifically weeks), he suggested that I not consider an antidepressant/anti-anxiety med right now. He said how I have been feeling over the past few months is completely normal and I would benefit more right now from sleep (YEAH!) and counseling.
So, I will be taking a med called Rozerem for the next 6 weeks or so - it is not a conventional sleep aid in that, it is not habit-forming (it's non-narcotic) and it really resets your wake/sleep schedule by regulating your melatonin levels...the only drawback is that it doesn't work immediately. It will take about 5-7 days to really feel it is working. But, the thought of sleep coming is such a wonderful thing!
He is also going to personally research a counselor for me to go to...he agrees I need someone who specializes in IF/loss and he doesn't want to see me waste time having to play guessing games on who to go to. So, I should have a name and phone number relatively soon.
...and, considering how much stress has ruled my life over the past few months, my blood pressure is perfecto! It's 114/78! Phew!
I have also made the promise to myself that no matter what, I need to take time every weekend and go to church... It's been a long time since I've gone (not counting Baptisms) and I am about due... On that note, here is a song that has been inspiring me for a week or so...
"Inside Us All"
by Creed
When I'm all alone
And no one else is there
Waiting by the phone
To remind meI'm still here
When shadows paint the scenes
Where spotlights used to fall
And I'm left wondering
Is it really worth it all?
There's a peace inside us all
Let it be your friend
It will help you carry on
In the end
There's a peace inside us all
Life can hold you down
When you're not looking up
Can't you hear the sound?
Hearts beating out loud
Although the names change
Inside we're all the same
Why can't we tear down these walls?
To show the scars we're covering
There's a peace
There's a peace inside us all
Let it be
Oh, can't it be your friend?
So, I will be taking a med called Rozerem for the next 6 weeks or so - it is not a conventional sleep aid in that, it is not habit-forming (it's non-narcotic) and it really resets your wake/sleep schedule by regulating your melatonin levels...the only drawback is that it doesn't work immediately. It will take about 5-7 days to really feel it is working. But, the thought of sleep coming is such a wonderful thing!
He is also going to personally research a counselor for me to go to...he agrees I need someone who specializes in IF/loss and he doesn't want to see me waste time having to play guessing games on who to go to. So, I should have a name and phone number relatively soon.
...and, considering how much stress has ruled my life over the past few months, my blood pressure is perfecto! It's 114/78! Phew!
I have also made the promise to myself that no matter what, I need to take time every weekend and go to church... It's been a long time since I've gone (not counting Baptisms) and I am about due... On that note, here is a song that has been inspiring me for a week or so...
"Inside Us All"
by Creed
When I'm all alone
And no one else is there
Waiting by the phone
To remind meI'm still here
When shadows paint the scenes
Where spotlights used to fall
And I'm left wondering
Is it really worth it all?
There's a peace inside us all
Let it be your friend
It will help you carry on
In the end
There's a peace inside us all
Life can hold you down
When you're not looking up
Can't you hear the sound?
Hearts beating out loud
Although the names change
Inside we're all the same
Why can't we tear down these walls?
To show the scars we're covering
There's a peace
There's a peace inside us all
Let it be
Oh, can't it be your friend?
Monday, April 10, 2006
One of my many blessing: My hubby
It's been a while since I wrote a post keeping in line with my blog name - My Many Blessings. So, here is one for the week: My Hubby.
My hubby has a way of bringing out the things in me that I don't alawys want to come out... After 19 years of knowing him, you would think I would have figured out how he knows! But alas, I have not and it is something I don't think I will ever figure out.
I had wanted to talk to him about me going to counseling for over a week now, but every time I wanted to bring it up, something got in the way: Chris waking up, a phone call that needed to be taken, whatever. Things came to a head last night, and we finally had the opportunity to air it out. And, I am forever grateful since my mood has since lightened a bit.
We talked about things for over 2 hours last night...and covered a lot of things. The most important things to come out of last night's talk was he has agreed to help me out with a few things while my work schedule is crazy over the next 2 weeks: He is going to call our GP to 1) see if he can give me anything to help me sleep, since sleep has been at a real minimum the past few weeks, 2) make sure that Dr. D is coordinating with him what's being tested for and what is/isn't found and 3) to see if he knows of a therapist covered who specializes in IF/loss. Hubby is also going to ask his therapist if he knows of someone I could go to.
Hubby has been through his own share of issues, all family-related - or, mother related really - that has affected his choices of career. So, some things he has been through parallels what I am going through now. His insights, although, are always helpful (okay, except for the meditation stuff...that is something I'm not really into!).
The most comforting thing he did for me was to stand up to his mother on how I have been feeling about the losses, TTC in general, the impact it has had on us as a family and my working outside the home. She has been through her own m/c of twins, but has chosen to bury it rather than deal with it - and she is not comfortable with the idea that I need to work through this, especially with counseling, instead of burying it and moving on. She is not comfortable with the idea that, despite my wish to be a SAHM, I actually enjoy the job I do. Don't get me wrong, I am very fond of my MIL, but there are things that we do butt heads on... She is not good with dealing with emtional baggage, and anyone chosing to address it makes her nervous.
I guess God does really have a plan for us...He put me in a position to meet my hubby in the first place at that high school dance in 1987 and there would have been no way for me to have met him otherwise. :)
My hubby has a way of bringing out the things in me that I don't alawys want to come out... After 19 years of knowing him, you would think I would have figured out how he knows! But alas, I have not and it is something I don't think I will ever figure out.
I had wanted to talk to him about me going to counseling for over a week now, but every time I wanted to bring it up, something got in the way: Chris waking up, a phone call that needed to be taken, whatever. Things came to a head last night, and we finally had the opportunity to air it out. And, I am forever grateful since my mood has since lightened a bit.
We talked about things for over 2 hours last night...and covered a lot of things. The most important things to come out of last night's talk was he has agreed to help me out with a few things while my work schedule is crazy over the next 2 weeks: He is going to call our GP to 1) see if he can give me anything to help me sleep, since sleep has been at a real minimum the past few weeks, 2) make sure that Dr. D is coordinating with him what's being tested for and what is/isn't found and 3) to see if he knows of a therapist covered who specializes in IF/loss. Hubby is also going to ask his therapist if he knows of someone I could go to.
Hubby has been through his own share of issues, all family-related - or, mother related really - that has affected his choices of career. So, some things he has been through parallels what I am going through now. His insights, although, are always helpful (okay, except for the meditation stuff...that is something I'm not really into!).
The most comforting thing he did for me was to stand up to his mother on how I have been feeling about the losses, TTC in general, the impact it has had on us as a family and my working outside the home. She has been through her own m/c of twins, but has chosen to bury it rather than deal with it - and she is not comfortable with the idea that I need to work through this, especially with counseling, instead of burying it and moving on. She is not comfortable with the idea that, despite my wish to be a SAHM, I actually enjoy the job I do. Don't get me wrong, I am very fond of my MIL, but there are things that we do butt heads on... She is not good with dealing with emtional baggage, and anyone chosing to address it makes her nervous.
I guess God does really have a plan for us...He put me in a position to meet my hubby in the first place at that high school dance in 1987 and there would have been no way for me to have met him otherwise. :)
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Dinner with friends
Got an unexpected invite for dinner Saturday night on Friday night from E&T (E is hubby's long-time friend from grammar school and T is his wife). T called at the last minute (around 7:30 pm) and, since we were supposed to get together with K&B Saturday night, I told E I would call her back in the morning because I "though my IL's needed us to do something."
Saturday morning comes and I talk to K (my best friend from college) - turns out she started up with Pink-Eye Friday morning and didn't want to come around Chris and give it to him. We tentatively reschedule for Sunday for a loooong stroll in the park. So, I call T and tell her it's a go for dinner!
Reason I need to mention this dinner in particular is that, although we used to be very close with E&T years ago (they, too, were high school sweethearts, although T is about 3 years younger than us), there was a MAJOR strain on the friendship around E&T's wedding in 1999. Hubby had dated a friend of theirs VERY briefly while (we will call her "J-wacko", which I will explain below) I was away at college (an agreement we had made when I left for my freshman year - we wanted to make sure this was the real thing, KWIM?), and apparently they thought that relationship was "IT" and my coming home from college (in 1995) screwed it up. So, I was put on the "outside" for a little while - but, things had gotten back to normal after that...or, so we thought.
At E&T's wedding (which hubby and I were both in), J-wacko was also there. Whenever she was around, she always made a point to star at me, until you could feel a burning sensation in your back. J-wacko ended up hooking-up with a friend of E's from grad school in South Dakota that night...which ultimately led to a very quick engagement and marriage (more on that later too - this factors into the rebonding of our friendship). After being stared at for hours, I had had enough and hubby and I decided to call the evening over (the wedding took place at 1:30 pm and the reception was over by 6 pm) we decided to leave the after-party around 7:30 pm. This choice was apparently taken offense too...and the fireworks began shortly thereafter that put the strain on the friendship...
E&T believed that I HATED J-wacko and I was the cause of this - which was the farthest from the truth, and took quite a few years for them to realize. Really, I didn't care what hubby and J-wacko did during their relationship - we were free to do what we wanted (within reason, of course - neither of us wanted an STD!) and we had agreed that, if we got back together, neither of us would ask what happened during that time period. It was blatently clear that whenever all of us got together with J-wacko, SHE was the one with the problem - many other people would come up to me later and ask why she was staring at me, even with her fiance there! So, the only ones with the real problem over this were E&T.
Things began to change in 2001-2002...rumblings of a VERY unhappy marriage started to surface for J-wacko and E's friend, who had relocated to Canada after their wedding in 2000. As more and more information started to flow on E's friend's part, the more E&T began to realize it was J-wacko that was the problem in all of this - not me. J-wacko and E's friend divorced in late 2002, early 2003 - and many, many apologies started to flow from E&T to me. I just accepted graciously, and didn't mention it any more. If they bring it up now, I still lie low - no need to rub an "I told you so" in their faces now....they feel bad enough.
Anyways, after all this mess, T and I both started to realize how bad off we were becoming in the TTC department...and as each of us started jumping through hurdles to conceive, the closer we started to become again. She, unfortunately, did not conceive until very early 2005 because it turned out she was diabetic and it had gone undiagnosed for a long time. Her daughter was born the morning after I lost my second angel...I know it was stange for them to call us that morning, right after what we had been through, although it did bring a small bit of peace to know my angel could now watch over their daughter.
Which now brings me back to dinner.... As I said, the invite was very unexpected, but well worth the trip. Visit started out the same as it always does - some playing with the kids, some prep for eating. But, the boys went out to pick up dessert and Chris was napping...and T and I had a chance to talk, which we haven't had a chance to do in a long time. She had some great perspectives for me which, now that I think back on it, really fit into the current picture. Of course she knows that she will never understand how all of this feels - and she never would even try to venture to say that she would - but, her insights really were comforting. Most of all, it was good for me to know that I can count on certain people that I might have never expected I could.
Guess it is sometimes good to take last minute invites.
Saturday morning comes and I talk to K (my best friend from college) - turns out she started up with Pink-Eye Friday morning and didn't want to come around Chris and give it to him. We tentatively reschedule for Sunday for a loooong stroll in the park. So, I call T and tell her it's a go for dinner!
Reason I need to mention this dinner in particular is that, although we used to be very close with E&T years ago (they, too, were high school sweethearts, although T is about 3 years younger than us), there was a MAJOR strain on the friendship around E&T's wedding in 1999. Hubby had dated a friend of theirs VERY briefly while (we will call her "J-wacko", which I will explain below) I was away at college (an agreement we had made when I left for my freshman year - we wanted to make sure this was the real thing, KWIM?), and apparently they thought that relationship was "IT" and my coming home from college (in 1995) screwed it up. So, I was put on the "outside" for a little while - but, things had gotten back to normal after that...or, so we thought.
At E&T's wedding (which hubby and I were both in), J-wacko was also there. Whenever she was around, she always made a point to star at me, until you could feel a burning sensation in your back. J-wacko ended up hooking-up with a friend of E's from grad school in South Dakota that night...which ultimately led to a very quick engagement and marriage (more on that later too - this factors into the rebonding of our friendship). After being stared at for hours, I had had enough and hubby and I decided to call the evening over (the wedding took place at 1:30 pm and the reception was over by 6 pm) we decided to leave the after-party around 7:30 pm. This choice was apparently taken offense too...and the fireworks began shortly thereafter that put the strain on the friendship...
E&T believed that I HATED J-wacko and I was the cause of this - which was the farthest from the truth, and took quite a few years for them to realize. Really, I didn't care what hubby and J-wacko did during their relationship - we were free to do what we wanted (within reason, of course - neither of us wanted an STD!) and we had agreed that, if we got back together, neither of us would ask what happened during that time period. It was blatently clear that whenever all of us got together with J-wacko, SHE was the one with the problem - many other people would come up to me later and ask why she was staring at me, even with her fiance there! So, the only ones with the real problem over this were E&T.
Things began to change in 2001-2002...rumblings of a VERY unhappy marriage started to surface for J-wacko and E's friend, who had relocated to Canada after their wedding in 2000. As more and more information started to flow on E's friend's part, the more E&T began to realize it was J-wacko that was the problem in all of this - not me. J-wacko and E's friend divorced in late 2002, early 2003 - and many, many apologies started to flow from E&T to me. I just accepted graciously, and didn't mention it any more. If they bring it up now, I still lie low - no need to rub an "I told you so" in their faces now....they feel bad enough.
Anyways, after all this mess, T and I both started to realize how bad off we were becoming in the TTC department...and as each of us started jumping through hurdles to conceive, the closer we started to become again. She, unfortunately, did not conceive until very early 2005 because it turned out she was diabetic and it had gone undiagnosed for a long time. Her daughter was born the morning after I lost my second angel...I know it was stange for them to call us that morning, right after what we had been through, although it did bring a small bit of peace to know my angel could now watch over their daughter.
Which now brings me back to dinner.... As I said, the invite was very unexpected, but well worth the trip. Visit started out the same as it always does - some playing with the kids, some prep for eating. But, the boys went out to pick up dessert and Chris was napping...and T and I had a chance to talk, which we haven't had a chance to do in a long time. She had some great perspectives for me which, now that I think back on it, really fit into the current picture. Of course she knows that she will never understand how all of this feels - and she never would even try to venture to say that she would - but, her insights really were comforting. Most of all, it was good for me to know that I can count on certain people that I might have never expected I could.
Guess it is sometimes good to take last minute invites.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
What ever happened to fortune cookies?
I miss the days when you opened a fortune cookie and you actually got A FORTUNE! Now, most of them have "words of wisdom" like one I saved from several years ago... "You are never bitter, deceptive or petty."
But, I finally got a real fortune this morning... The only REAL fortune out of 5 cookies:
Your future will be happy and productive.
Okay, this one I will keep with me for the long haul. :)
But, I finally got a real fortune this morning... The only REAL fortune out of 5 cookies:
Your future will be happy and productive.
Okay, this one I will keep with me for the long haul. :)
Has anyone seen my Faith?
A long time ago, when I was 16 years old, I made a very important decision - one that was not to be taken lightly, one that would potentially change my whole being.... I decided that, since I was never Baptized into any faith, that I would go through the RCIA and become Catholic. This decision was made after several years of attending Catholic schools (I am a reformed Public - heehee!) and always being asked why I wasn't going to Communion. It was a long process, but one that was a good choice for me. At the Easter Vigil in 1989, I joined several people and was Baptized, along with making my First Communion and Confirmation. It was a decision that brought so much peace and resolve, at least at the time.
During college, I became a Eucharistic Minister and sang in the choir... My faith was tested a few times during college, but it shown through with flying colors...
Then came my struggle to get PG, starting in 2002... I knew I was going to have problems conceiving - my cycle history proved that long ago. But, 18 months to finally conceive brought up some very strange, foreign questions for my faith. It took a long time to resolve them, but all of the answers to those questions came once I saw my beautiful, perfect son for the first time. The wait and frustration were all worth it, and the pain of that time deminished very quickly.
However, the tests I faced then are nothing like I face now. Losing three babies, one that I wasn't even aware was a real loss until now, is something I never thought I would have to face. And, those three lost babies have left a very empty place in my heart. Not to mention, the anger I feel that some select others around me just get PG with no problem and it is not appreciated in any way.
Why do I have to face this? Why me? Have I done something so horribly wrong in my life, that this is my punishment? Or, am I being tested to make sure this is what I really want for us?
In my entry from Tuesday, I had asked "How does one learn patience when you are used to control?" A special person on one of the BG's I am on sent me a message with some extraordinary wisdom... A: If you read this entry, please know I am very grateful for this. This hits the heart of all my questions, my struggle:
"God is God"
Steven Curtis Chapman
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know
And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God
And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass
Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God
In my head, I know there is a plan for me...for us, as a family. I know Chris was a plan...and it took several years to finally understand and accept the answer. What the answers to the current questions will be, I don't know and, yes, I have to have the patience to find that out.
But, in my heart, accepting that God is God, and that I can only see a part of the picture He is painting for me is so very hard to do right now. The roots of all I believed in when starting out as a Catholic so many years ago have been shaken loose and I am not sure where to begin that journey back...
During college, I became a Eucharistic Minister and sang in the choir... My faith was tested a few times during college, but it shown through with flying colors...
Then came my struggle to get PG, starting in 2002... I knew I was going to have problems conceiving - my cycle history proved that long ago. But, 18 months to finally conceive brought up some very strange, foreign questions for my faith. It took a long time to resolve them, but all of the answers to those questions came once I saw my beautiful, perfect son for the first time. The wait and frustration were all worth it, and the pain of that time deminished very quickly.
However, the tests I faced then are nothing like I face now. Losing three babies, one that I wasn't even aware was a real loss until now, is something I never thought I would have to face. And, those three lost babies have left a very empty place in my heart. Not to mention, the anger I feel that some select others around me just get PG with no problem and it is not appreciated in any way.
Why do I have to face this? Why me? Have I done something so horribly wrong in my life, that this is my punishment? Or, am I being tested to make sure this is what I really want for us?
In my entry from Tuesday, I had asked "How does one learn patience when you are used to control?" A special person on one of the BG's I am on sent me a message with some extraordinary wisdom... A: If you read this entry, please know I am very grateful for this. This hits the heart of all my questions, my struggle:
"God is God"
Steven Curtis Chapman
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know
And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God
And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass
Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God
In my head, I know there is a plan for me...for us, as a family. I know Chris was a plan...and it took several years to finally understand and accept the answer. What the answers to the current questions will be, I don't know and, yes, I have to have the patience to find that out.
But, in my heart, accepting that God is God, and that I can only see a part of the picture He is painting for me is so very hard to do right now. The roots of all I believed in when starting out as a Catholic so many years ago have been shaken loose and I am not sure where to begin that journey back...
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
How does one learn patience when you are used to control?
My follow-up appointment went well relatively well yesterday, although the pathology report from the d&c hasn't come back yet and no tests were started today.
Dr. D didn't want to start any of the recurrent loss testing until we knew my betas were down to zero - otherwise, the results of the tests would end up being invalid and finding answes would take even longer. So, I have to go for repeat betas until I am at zero - which could be between 2-3 weeks. Once that happens, both DH and I go for massive b/w and we wait for everything to come back (which could take 2+ weeks as well). Then, we head in for a consult and put everything out on the table to sort through.
The good news is Dr. D honestly believes that I should have no problems having another healthy PG and baby, even if it turns out to be an issue with the autoimmune disorders my mom has (Polymyositis and Sjogren's Syndrome). He said we know how to manage it (if the antibodies are there but low in number, it would be a baby aspirin every day - if they are high, then probably a heparin injection every day), and with the extra care and treatment, we should be good to go. That is, once we are ready to jump back in.
The not-so-good news is that Dr. D has called this latest loss my 3rd m/c - turns out in printing out all of my charts for him from after Chris was born, I remembered the + HPT I got in 9/04 with my period that followed later that day - he is going to count that as an early m/c, not a chemical. He said, considering what is happening right now, he believes I did get PG and that it ended much earlier than these 2 current m/c's. So, that really puts me at 3 losses now. Not sure what to think of that, since I had buried the whole idea of that + HPT for a year and a half...but, it is a piece of the puzzle, I guess.
It was nice to know that he took what I had found very seriously, and he is going to be pay special attention to that part of the b/w when it comes back. He wants us to take our time and no only heal physically but emotionally. Thank God I made the decision to go with him when the practice split so many years ago - he has been so good to us, not only medically but emotionally. He's just a good egg.
So, now it is time for some patience, which is so very hard when you are used to having some control... But, I hope to learn some of that once I get my fanny into counseling. I found someone to go to, thanks to Dh's aunt, and will be setting the appointment today.
Patience....how do you learn that?
Dr. D didn't want to start any of the recurrent loss testing until we knew my betas were down to zero - otherwise, the results of the tests would end up being invalid and finding answes would take even longer. So, I have to go for repeat betas until I am at zero - which could be between 2-3 weeks. Once that happens, both DH and I go for massive b/w and we wait for everything to come back (which could take 2+ weeks as well). Then, we head in for a consult and put everything out on the table to sort through.
The good news is Dr. D honestly believes that I should have no problems having another healthy PG and baby, even if it turns out to be an issue with the autoimmune disorders my mom has (Polymyositis and Sjogren's Syndrome). He said we know how to manage it (if the antibodies are there but low in number, it would be a baby aspirin every day - if they are high, then probably a heparin injection every day), and with the extra care and treatment, we should be good to go. That is, once we are ready to jump back in.
The not-so-good news is that Dr. D has called this latest loss my 3rd m/c - turns out in printing out all of my charts for him from after Chris was born, I remembered the + HPT I got in 9/04 with my period that followed later that day - he is going to count that as an early m/c, not a chemical. He said, considering what is happening right now, he believes I did get PG and that it ended much earlier than these 2 current m/c's. So, that really puts me at 3 losses now. Not sure what to think of that, since I had buried the whole idea of that + HPT for a year and a half...but, it is a piece of the puzzle, I guess.
It was nice to know that he took what I had found very seriously, and he is going to be pay special attention to that part of the b/w when it comes back. He wants us to take our time and no only heal physically but emotionally. Thank God I made the decision to go with him when the practice split so many years ago - he has been so good to us, not only medically but emotionally. He's just a good egg.
So, now it is time for some patience, which is so very hard when you are used to having some control... But, I hope to learn some of that once I get my fanny into counseling. I found someone to go to, thanks to Dh's aunt, and will be setting the appointment today.
Patience....how do you learn that?
Sunday, April 02, 2006
A new version of the 'old me'...
Not that I am anywhere near healed from the two losses I have been dealing with, but I do feel like a new version of the 'old me' is slowly emerging... A stronger, more refined version - and I rather like it!
Yesterday morning started out like any other Saturday morning - shower at 6 am, put my face on for the day (or, do my make-up), give Chris his breakfast and play, start some laundry and watch Chris throw a gasket as Daddy heads out for karate class... But, yesterday started to become a different day...
I dropped Chris off at my MIL's and head off for my haircut and highlight...when I got there, Marissa asked me what I had in mind for the highlighting. As we went through the colors and the plan, foil upon foil was added to my head, until I realized that half my hair was in foils, full of hairdye! But, I didn't freak... As she took them off after the baking process was over, I started to see a me that hasn't been here since the end of 2001 - it was a bright, younger, thinner me! After 5 years of my natural, dark, mousy blonde, it was amazing to see how much I missed the color!
So, I set off a few chairs down to Yolanda... She asked what I wanted to do with my haircut - and I told her, whatever it takes to get the hair to fall out of my face. After several expert snips, the cut and color was just PERFECT! It was me again. I could see my thinned our cheekbones again!
Now, I managed to kinda break the bank yesterday ($130+ at the hairdresser - yipes!). I headed home to show off the haircut - Hubby's expression was priceless! Despite the cost, he absolutely loved it! Cool!
We picked up Chris and headed off for our "adventure" to pick up my bracelet... When we arrived, we got out of the car and headed into the Jewelry Exchange. Chris was entralled with the sparkle and the lights...I was entralled with my very special bracelet. It's just perfect...and, just seems so natural to wear...
This charm is for my November angel (edd was 6/27/06):
This charm is for my March angel (edd was 10/30/06):
This charm is for my Chris:
After a few more stops, we headed home for a quite evening - just the three of us.
I know I have a ways to go, but I gained a little peace yesterday. A part of me is back - the more positive, forward-thinking, cheerful part - which I think is going make healing a bit easier to do now. I have a counselor all lined up and will be calling to make the appointment tomorrow. I am ready to bear my soul and move beyond this pain. Finally.
My doc is going to be a little surprised tomorrow when I come in for my follow-up: The old me that was here before I was consumed by TTC and loss. I am set for tomorrow - all my research is done and ready to give him. Now, we just have to wait and see what the future holds...
Yesterday morning started out like any other Saturday morning - shower at 6 am, put my face on for the day (or, do my make-up), give Chris his breakfast and play, start some laundry and watch Chris throw a gasket as Daddy heads out for karate class... But, yesterday started to become a different day...
I dropped Chris off at my MIL's and head off for my haircut and highlight...when I got there, Marissa asked me what I had in mind for the highlighting. As we went through the colors and the plan, foil upon foil was added to my head, until I realized that half my hair was in foils, full of hairdye! But, I didn't freak... As she took them off after the baking process was over, I started to see a me that hasn't been here since the end of 2001 - it was a bright, younger, thinner me! After 5 years of my natural, dark, mousy blonde, it was amazing to see how much I missed the color!
So, I set off a few chairs down to Yolanda... She asked what I wanted to do with my haircut - and I told her, whatever it takes to get the hair to fall out of my face. After several expert snips, the cut and color was just PERFECT! It was me again. I could see my thinned our cheekbones again!
Now, I managed to kinda break the bank yesterday ($130+ at the hairdresser - yipes!). I headed home to show off the haircut - Hubby's expression was priceless! Despite the cost, he absolutely loved it! Cool!
We picked up Chris and headed off for our "adventure" to pick up my bracelet... When we arrived, we got out of the car and headed into the Jewelry Exchange. Chris was entralled with the sparkle and the lights...I was entralled with my very special bracelet. It's just perfect...and, just seems so natural to wear...
This charm is for my November angel (edd was 6/27/06):
This charm is for my March angel (edd was 10/30/06):
This charm is for my Chris:
After a few more stops, we headed home for a quite evening - just the three of us.
I know I have a ways to go, but I gained a little peace yesterday. A part of me is back - the more positive, forward-thinking, cheerful part - which I think is going make healing a bit easier to do now. I have a counselor all lined up and will be calling to make the appointment tomorrow. I am ready to bear my soul and move beyond this pain. Finally.
My doc is going to be a little surprised tomorrow when I come in for my follow-up: The old me that was here before I was consumed by TTC and loss. I am set for tomorrow - all my research is done and ready to give him. Now, we just have to wait and see what the future holds...
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