A test in letting go of control and guarantees

I took an unexpected day off yesterday from work - Chris started to get this horrible rash Sunday night, and it got worse over the course of Monday. Come yesterday morning, raised, red bumps were all over him. Luckily, he had no fever, did not appear to have any flu-like symptoms, and he was not scratching at it. But, it looked horrible. So, we called his pediatrician and we were told to haul him in. We did that - and it turned out that he is allergic to amoxicillin. Who knew? He had been on the antibiotic for the strep I gave him for over a week before the rash appeared! Now that he is finished with it, we just have to wait until the rash goes away...and we can never give him a penicillin-based antibiotic in the future (we had to all the pharmacy to have them mark it in his files).

Anyways, so by the time we were done with the pediatrician, it was after 10:30 am - the doctor's office (like almost ALL of my doctor's offices) is about 45 minutes away from our house, and since I had to drop Chris and my MIL off, I wasn't going to leave for work until at least 11:30 am. It takes me about 45 minutes to get to work. So, by the time I got here for work, it would have been past 12:30 pm. What's the point going in then? I called my boss - she said sure, take the day. So, I did.

Rebel!

My MIL and I decided to take Chris to K-Mart to do some shopping and adventuring - which, of course, resulted in some goodies for the boy with the funky rash. After that, we traveled home, gave Chris lunch, let him swim in the baby pool in my MIL's backyard. While he was swimming, I headed back to my house for a bit since Chris would be going down for a nap shortly after anyway. I figured since I took the day, I could get some other things done that I wanted to do - and do them while Chris was down for his nap.

So, I changed out of my work clothes and headed outside so I could put mulch down in the front garden. We finally finished the front (except for buying the Mountain Laurel from the Back to the grind... post from last week - I am buying that today on my way home from work to put in over this coming weekend since the nurseries I called last week who allegedly "had it" in reality didn't), except for the mulch. I did that for about an hour - and sweat my fanny off in the process! Once I was done, I went inside, cleaned up a bit, had a snack, painted my toe nails (I bought open-toes sandals finally!), watched a little of Days of Our Lives. Once that was all done, I decided to back my mom's birthday cake for today:





As I was in the middle of mixing the batter, it occurred to me that I shouldn't have been making this cake just for my mom yesterday - I should have been backing it for my mom AND my angel I lost in November 2005.

It should have been my second angel's 1st birthday today - June 27th.

It is not like I forgot about the date - I haven't forgotten by a long shot, and I doubt I ever will. But, I suppose I have become so at peace with what life has dealt me thus far that I just haven't had the need to push to remember or commemorate this day - to make it a full day of mourning anymore. I think of my angel babies more than anyone can imagine - wonder what they would be doing now, how different life would be now with them here with us. It is a daily thing that I do alone - when I look at Chris, at his room which would have been the babies room, when I look at our family photo of just the three of us.

Maybe Hubby thinks about them as much as I do too... I never asked...and I don't want to pry either.

But, at the same time, I know they are with me always - wherever I go and whatever I do. I feel them when my charm bracelet tinkles as the charms hit each other when I move my arm:



I think if them when I see my memory boxes on my dresser in our bedroom:



I know they are with me - with us - when I see that special twinkle in Chris' eyes:



I don't have this need anymore to take the day off and mourn their loss, to mourn what today is not.

My mom, Chris and I already shared a piece of the cake this morning when I brought him over to her house for the day... And, I remembered my baby as we shared it.

...But, I also began to realize yesterday as I put the cake in the oven that I am obsessing again on TTC.

...And, I have to stop doing that.

I spent the better part of the 2WW last cycle testing when I KNEW there was no way in hell I would see a BFP - and justifying it as I needed to know so we can adjust the Levoxyl levels. Now, I DO have to know early to adjust the thyroid med levels to try to prevent another miscarriage - but, not at 9 DPO. I went back on the message boards at FF and began posting in the forums that I knew I shouldn't be posting in. When I knew the Witch was coming, I started obsessing about the next cycle - how it would go, what meds we would use. I started getting upset about things not going right trying to set up this next cycle with Dr. D.

...Hubby has noticed it.

...So have I.

It has taken me so, so long to STOP thinking this way - and I find myself doing it again instinctively, unconsciously.

It has to stop.

So, I never called Dr. D's office yesterday to find out if he finally received the clearance to TTC from Dr. S. I figured it was his surgery day - he wasn't going to see it anyway since he rarely in the office on surgery day, so why bother pushing the issue with Lee and Liz? What am I going to change by stalking them? Not much.

I am going to call the office shortly - really to find out if they received the clearance. But, I am not going to push to move forward this cycle. If Dr. D would prefer to meet with us again, have me do another exam - whatever short of standing on my head for an hour while singing the Star Spangled Banner - I will do that and then move on from there.

I am trying to find that delicate balance of being my own best medical/TTC advocate and not being obsessed over having another child to the point where it destroys me.

And, it is hard.

This is going to be a HUGE test in letting go of the control and guarantees. Nothing is perfectly in our control - and nothing is guaranteed. Chris was a blessing - perfect in every way. But, I have learned the hard way from my miscarriages that nothing is guaranteed - even if I get PG again, that doesn't mean I will bring a baby home to nurture and love. Just because my body figured out how to ovulate on its own doesn't mean that 1) my body will do it again and 2) it will produce a child to push things around in my body for 9 months. Just because I take Clomid and set up an IUI doesn't mean I will end up PG again with a viable, uneventful pregnancy.

I have invested so much time in counseling - Dr. P has taught me how to give up control on things that are just never guaranteed - I can't allow myself to obsess or push anymore. It only steals away time for Chris, Hubby and myself...time that is too short as it is.

So, what will be, will be. Right?

Let It Be
The Beatles

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

Can anyone tell me why it is so hard to truly live these words??

The Larger Bowl (A Pantoum)
By Rush

If we're so much the same like I always hear
Why such different fortunes And fates?
Some of us live in a Cloud of fear
Some live behind iron gates

Why such different fortunes and fates?
Some are blessed and some are cursed
Some live behind iron gates
While others only see the worst

Some are blessed and some are cursed
The golden one or scarred from birth
While others only see the worst
Such a lot of pain on the Earth

The golden one or scarred from birth
Somethings can never be changed
Such a lot of pain on this Earth
It's somehow so badly arranged

Somethings can never be changed
Some reasons will never come clear
It's somehow so badly arranged
If we're so much the same like I always hear

Some are blessed and some are cursed
The golden one or scarred from birth
While others only see the worst
Such a lot of pain on the Earth

How true is this?