Tuesday, June 12, 2007

For the first time in a long time, things feel like they are lining up correctly

I have received a few comments here, on my BG's and in my e-mail about whether we DTD or not after my post on Saturday.

Yes, we did.

For the first time in a long time - really, since my only cycle that went "right" when I got PG with Christopher in August 2003 - I feel like things are lining up correctly. I feel like we made the right decisions at the right times for the right reasons. No regrets. No second guessing. No fear of the outcome (being pregnant/not pregnant, I mean. Fear of another m/c is still a right I think is owed to me).

I am speachless - and in awe.

Remember all of those questions I had about when I would learn to be patient? When I would learn to trust God's plan for me? When I would learn to let go of the control and trust things will be granted to us at the right time?

I think I am finding it...

...And, it only took me two years to get the message. What a dork.

I feel, first of all, that I have to craft an Ode to Levoxyl at some point. It seems that, since I started this med for the Hashi's in March, so many things have changed: Many symtoms are gone or lessened, like the major fatigue that has prevented me from staying awake past 9 pm for months, feeling like I had a fever all of the time, having a sore throat all of the time. My anxiety levels, even coming off Lexapro (today starts the alternating of 0 mg and 5 mg for two weeks - then I am off it), are not nearly as bad (then again, I have learned how to manage stress much, much better. The symptoms are still present on very high-stress days [of course, which sends me into a mini-panic until I can talk myself out of it], but are more manageable without meds.). I have gotten three visits from the Red Storm in four months - completely UNHEARD OF for me, except when on BPCs. I feel physically more like I used to prior to TTC #2 in July 2005, with the added bonus (so far, anyway) of being on a "regular schedule." And, let's not forget this wonderful, clear ovulation I just had! This was something I longed for in my entire infertile life - even if the cycle is a bust. I aways wanted to have just one cycle where I could hope that my body worked, and not have to be on meds to produce the ovulation. It is a wonderful feeling for me, for the first time in my almost 35 years on this planet, to finally feel what it is like to have my body do what it was supposed to do! I feel not as broken anymore...

...I just hope that, if this cycle is, in fact, a bust, that the next cycle will produce an earlier ovulation on Clomid.

There are some other, more "karma" things going on lately that seem to be falling into place:

My St. Gerard candle that Hubby bought me in October 2006 from the St. Gerard Feast just WILL NOT LIGHT ANYMORE. My candle, pictured here with my St. Gerard statue in October 2006:

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blows out every time I try to light it now. This candle has been lit more times I could ever count: on terraversaries, during my yoga sessions, when others needed prayers, just when I needed to light it. Now, even though there is still wax and a wick visable at the bottom (about an inch or so), it blows out the second I light it. Of course, the candle could be blowing out because there is not enough oxygen available to burn at the bottom of such a tall, glass-encased candle (science is a wonderful thing, isn't it?). But, could I have used up the prayers this candle had to offer? I feel like I should make the donation to St. Lucy's for a new one, and hold onto this one.

Christopher keeps mentioning he wants a baby brother. From time to time, we talk about wanting to have another child with him and how his angel siblings watch over us - not that he really understands it, but since Angelina is here now, it was a good time to introduce him to the idea of another baby in our house. Whenever the topic comes up, he always mentions wanting a baby brother, not a baby sister. And, he is emphatic about it. He was so, so empathetic towards me when I was going through the last two miscarriages, sometimes I wonder if he knows more than I do. I do believe that good spirits live in our house (those of Hubby's great-grandfather and great-grandmother) - maybe there are more around than we first thought, and they communicate with Chris? He seems to have a special intuition too...

My butterflies are back on my walks. Back in September, I posted Why do Butterflies follow me? They are always playing in the same patterns: One playing alone, two playing together, and three playing together. Hubby is seeing a woman who does hypnosis and alternative therapies, in addition to seeing the new counselor (who is really helping him!). He had mentioned to her last week about my experiences with the butterflies, and she feels they are sending me a message - one that I know, but needs reinforcing. She believes in these messages, and feels I need to listen. She indicated to Hubby that she would like to talk to me about it - she knows someone with similar experiences and messages. I have not opened up that line of communication yet, though.

I just cannot shake the idea that June was the RIGHT month to start TTC - regardless of the outcome of this cycle. A strong, clear ovulation - one that I never really had unless on meds except for the one time in August 2004 after Chris was born (and resulted in my very first m/c - but, even that ovulation wasn't as strong as this one) - was given to us as a gift, a miracle. It was SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO YOUR BODY strong (CM, OPK's, physical symptoms and strong ovulation pains matching perfectly). Maybe this Miracles bracelet I wear every day is really doing something? This ovulation was given to us right in line with my intuition about June - an intuition that is as strong as it was when I second-guessed my decision to TTC in my September 2005 cycle (I just knew something was going to be wrong with that cycle, yet my impatient self went on with it and my second m/c resulted from that decision). How could we not take advantage of that gift?

Hubby and I felt such a connection this past weekend - like the one we had when we first met, the one we had when we married, the one we had when Chris was conceived, the one we had when Chris was born. That connection - that deep bond, that sense of things being right and perfect - just wasn't there in the two years since we started TTC #2. (This is not to saw our marriage was strained to the point of breaking apart - although, I guess it was strained a bit as I tried to sort through my feelings after my miscarriages. What I am talking here about is the overwhelming sense of things feeling " just right.") We looked at each other and just knew it was right to try, despite our conversation earlier that day about using birth control. We lived in that moment. We cried together, like we did when Chris came into the world. It was special, simply put.

There are more "karma" things going on, I just can't remember them all at the moment (plus, I really need to get some work done here... Oi! Talk about playing hookie!). Strange how a "plan" comes together...

...and it feels right.

Of course, I am nervous about what is to come... I would be lying if I said otherwise. Specifically, if we get a BFP out of this, will I miscarry again? But, even knowing that miscarriage will always be a possibility for me, I am not stressing about the outcome as I have in the past with TTC #2. I have worked hard to start treatment for my medical issues, I am eating well, excerising regularly, living happy. In a way, I feel somewhat "blissfully ignorant" about this cycle - despite knowing I need to start testing as early as possible so that if I do end up pregnant, my Levoxyl doseage can be upped immediately for the best chances of a pregnancy being successful. I feel like my emotions and the science behind TTC are balanced again. I haven't felt like that since TTC Christopher.

So, for now, I am going to just enjoy life and not worry about this until next week. If I start to worry, then my world has the potential to fall like a house of cards. And, I have worked too hard through therapy, meds and self-exploration to allow that to happen again!

Of course, positive vibes are always welcome... :)


Rachel said...

I just said a prayer for you. I am guessing that during the next two weeks you will be very anxious. I hope that you are able to relax and just enjoy this time with your husband and your son.

Yes, if you get a BFP, you deserve to worry about another miscarriage, but you know so much more about your health now, that most likely it will not happen.

I really hope this turns out well for you! You have been such an encouragement for me that I really want to see something positive happen for you.

Val said...

Every part of my body is crossed for you. You are in my prayers and thoughts. I really hope things turn out perfectly. Your optimism and upbeat spirit is amazing.

Please keep me posted about how the lexapro weaning goes. I start mine in 1-2 months.


niobe said...

I am so hopeful for you.

cat said...

Many positive vibes directed your way.

Alexis said...

Smooches Tinya - you know you have all of my best wishes & prayers...always!