Monday, August 21, 2006

Balancing the emotions I feel

One of the ladies in my long-term FF BG's PM'ed me on Friday to ask how I was doing...and, you know, I am not sure anymore. It took me several days to truly figure out how I felt...and it wasn't easy to write the response back because I just can't say how I feel anymore.

I feel like I have a misbalance of emotions, like I am ping-ponging between being optomistic one moment to feeling like everything is going to cave in the next...

  • I feel so down in the dumps sometimes, I can't imagine how I am going to dig out of it.
  • I feel like I am reliving the "Who shot JR" saga on Dallas - the events of the past year seem like a dream and I am not connected to them at all.
  • I feel angry because of what has been robbed from me - from us as a family. I should have been a mommy of two children two times over by now, and I still have another EDD to get through in October. Things should have been so different right now, and I am angry and feel robbed.
  • I feel guilty for the toll the losses have taken on my relationship with Hubby. Thank goodness he is a very understanding and supportive man - he has been my rock too many times over.
  • I feel like the proud and happy mommy I should feel like whenever I get that "Hi" and big smile from Chris when I come home from work. Chris has been the best thing through all of this...and it saddens me that I have lost precious time with him over the past year.
  • And, interwined in all of these emotions, I feel like such a hypocrite for it taking me so long to get over these losses - I have my Chris, and I thank God every day for him. But, one of my friends has endured 3 IVF cycles, one unmedicated FET that resulted in a m/c and currently going through a medicated FET. She lost her only child a little past 5 weeks of pregnancy. She has been trying for over 4 years now. When I talk with her, I can't help but think I am feeling sorry for myself and should just get over it already. Why should I feel so angry and upset when I have my Chris to kiss goodnight?
How do I balance these feelings? I am just not sure.

I know that part of the balance will come once I have a full picture of what is going on with me medically, and it is finally corrected. My ups and downs have been so frequent over the past months, but I know now a lot of that has to do with very raging hormones (or, horrormones, in my opinion). I just haven't felt like me in a long time - happy-go-lucky, independent, content, happy. So, until I am through the testing completely for the thyroid issues and Dr. McC looks at everything together, I have to deal with the symptoms (racing heart, anxiety, shaky hands, dizziness, stomach issues, weight loss) without medical correction. I just haven't had more than a weeks time in the past 8 months where I haven't felt completely healthy - and it sucks. It grates on your very last nerve.

The rest of the balance will come once I know if TTC again will really be in our future. TTC is riding on my health right now - which has been waxing and waning like the tide - and I hate it. I can't TTC again if the chances are not good for a healthy child - I cannot play God with another person's life just to have another baby.

Even at my worst, I have not abused my body to the point of ill-health. Sure, I partied a bit in college, and at times have eaten without thought of the consequences on my health. But, I never truly abused my body - yet, here I am with so many things going wrong in a one year period. Why? I can't even blame familial genes for the MTHFR and potential thyroid issues - I am the only lucky winner there! Then, why?

And, on top of all the medical crap, we still haven't addressed what med protocol we will use in the next TTC cycle, if there is one. I just can't see continuing on Clomid alone or at all, given the poor responses I have had with it this year. Although, I suppose that can change with the 35 pounds I have lost over the past year (if I don't gain them back, of course). So, my doc and I have to really sit down and figure out what we are going to do - if we are going to take the chance again, I want to ensure the best possible ovulation I can get. I know no one can guarantee me that this will work, but I need the best shot I can get for it to work.

...Back when I was young, I had several goals for my life: to go to college and get an education (the first in my family), to find the right guy and be happily married for the long-haul (and I was grateful to meet him early on in high school!), to be financially stable (not rich, but comfortable knowing the bills were paid), and to be a the best mommy to 2-3 children I could be. Up to this point, I have attained everything I wanted, except for the last, and most important, goal. I know I am a good mommy to Chris, but I never wanted him to be an only - and now I am really staring down that decision that he may in fact be an only. Not that being an only is bad - it didn't screw up DH. But, I WANTED 2-3 children, and I am just heartbroken that I might never have that.

...Maybe I am just being selfish...

There are so many things stacked against us now, and I just don't know if I can take the chance again. One medical complication alone wouldn't be so bad (okay, it can be) - but, with the MTHFR mutation, possible thyroid issues and the additional fibroids together, I feel like I am just setting myself, and my family, up for more losses and more heartache. I just don't know what to do. I can't put myself and my family through another loss (or losses) just to fulfill my goals and dreams. But, I so want another child. Is that too much to ask for?

It has been hard to be in such a different place in my life than most of the ladies on my BG's on the various sites, and I haven't wanted to bring everyone down. There is so much joy to share in our children, and the children yet to be...after a while, I feel like I am going on and on and depressing everyone.

I miss the simple times...the naive times. Then again, maybe that is the point of my journey... Maybe I need to find my way, through whatever it takes.


mossyclog said...

*BIG HUG* Tina. I'm thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Tina, :hug: that is what or BGs are for - sharing the different things that are going on with each other. Don't ever hesitate to share there, although I will continue to come here to check in as well...