What is on YOUR "Grown Up Christmas List"?

Christmas/holiday songs are abundant these days... Can't say how many more days until Christmas and the New Year because I took down all of my 2006 calendars in the hope to escape the year and look to 2007 (although I can count since I know today's date)... Pathetic, no?

Anyways, among the songs that are playing (let me make the side comment that Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson should NEVER, EVER do another Christmas song together - their "rendition" of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is like rubberneckings at the scene of a horrific car accident) are some select songs that do truly hit home...

My Grown Up Christmas List
Lyrics by Linda Thompson

Artists: Various (although I adore Kelly Clarkson's version)

Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies

Well, I'm all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list

As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree

Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(there'd be)

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end, oh
This is my grown up christmas list

This is my grown up christmas list

My soul needs healing...

Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul

How true this rings this Christmas. This is part of My Grown Up Christmas List. I wish for...

• Healing my hurts and heart
• Accepting what cannot be
• Letting go of the anger I still feel
• Letting go of the sorrow I still carry
• Letting go of the worry that rules my mind
• Letting go of the control I shouldn't yearn to have
• Being healthy again, both in mind and body
• Finding peace again and faith
• Loving myself and everyone around me
• Finding joy in the little things again
• Spending more time with my family
• ...and an earnest wish of the Gift of Life, if God allows it.

What is on YOUR Grown Up Christmas List?

You think you know me...

...but I don't always know myself - not anymore.

Hubby and I had to come to the hard decision last night that, for now, we are

...again.

I just cannot take the anxiety attacks that I am getting - and, after starting the Xanex on Thursday night, I know and can identify that is exactly what they are - Anxiety attacks. Not Thyroid (although it could still be an issue - my TSH never got tested on 12/4 by the lab, so it was re-ordered today). Not Gastritis (although that is what my anxiety manifests itself as). Anxiety. Anxiety is the ruler of my life right now and for the sake of Chris, my family as it is right now, and myself, I need to beat this before we even attempt TTC again.

Here are how most of my days go....and how my anxiety usually starts:

5 am: Wake up, fatigued. Jump in the shower and get dressed for work.
6 am: Scoff down breakfast and get my things together for work.
7 am: Kiss Chris goodbye (who is usually sleeping still) as I walk out the door.
8:30 am: Start work...with God knows how many e-mails to sift through.

Then, the anxiety begins to build as new projects at work come up...almost always urgent.

4:00 pm: Hubby has no idea what time he will be home from work...and when I try to find out, he either doesn't answer the cell phone or I get an "I don't know... *insert guessed time here*." That helps.

4:30 pm: Fight the hour traffic to get home...usually a back up by the toll plaza. Sometimes worse on the days I carpool (for the $100 free gas card, thank you Middlesex County, NJ!).

6 pm: Try to eat a dinner...that probably is not going to sit well.

7 pm: Guessing when Hubby will be home???

8 pm: Bath time for Chris...maybe with Hubby, maybe not.

8:30 pm: Bedtime for Chris.

The rest of the night is a blur... Putting things together for Chris for the next day... Maybe Hubby and I get a chance to talk...if I am not so exhausted that I go to bed at 9 pm.

So, how exactly does my anxiety manifest itself for me? Well, it starts with my heart racing...like it is going to beat out of my chest at any second. Then, my hands begin to shake...forget doing anything like sewing a sock because my hands are not steady enough to do it. My body begins to ache...like I am getting sick with the flu, sometimes with a dash of fever-ish feelings and body shaking. Then, my stomach begins to tighten....like there is a vice slowly, steadily turning around my braline. Once that starts, then I get a tickle in the back of my throat and I feel like I am going to be sick to my stomach, yet again.

Nice way to live, right??

Isn't it amazing how people on the outside think you have it all together? Even I thought I had it all together. They think I can do it all...yet I cannot even seem to enjoy my son's smiles or belly laughs or antics at times because I feel like I am going to hurl at any second?

This is why I need to take a break - again.

I had a very long conversation with Dr. McC last night over the phone. What a nice man he is...especially now.

Sure, Xanex is working - to a point. It has taken the edge off of some of it. But, on days that are really stressful - like Monday night when I had it out with Hubby over him not picking up his cell phone when he told me he would be home around 7 pm (Hello?? He was home after 8:30 pm and had no idea where he was!) or like Tuesday when I was getting thrown urgent project after urgent project at me because one Associate Director is leaving for the holiday and things have to get done before she leaves (and I have a Christmas party for the department to prep for).

So, he feels that I need something else with Xanex... And this is what I will be taking:

• 5 mg Lexapro in the morning (at least for now...we will see how the doseage goes)
• .25 mg Xanex if I feel symtoms start during the day (not all of the time, though - have to be cautious of that one since we all know Xanex can be habit forming!)
• .5 mg Xanex before bedtime

I start this tomorrow...hoping it will be in full effect for the holidays. I need it to be because the last time we all got together (Thanksgiving), I couldn't eat.

Did I mention I am down to 145 lbs?? Even I think I look to damn thin! Nice way to loose the weight?

So, I called Dr. D and told him that, for now, TTC is off and he has more free time for another patient. He said he will be ready for me when I am - and to be kind to myself. I'll try.

It is official... I am on another break and have no idea when - or if - we will go back to it.

Wasn't I here before with this decision? I feel like I am constantly on a see-saw with this.

I know that, medically, I can TTC with Lexapro but Xanex is a no-no. The goal is to get me off the Xanex. But, I don't nor won't TTC until I can be myself again and enjoy my life again (and, let's face it, I need all parents in better health too!).

Until we make that decision to go back to TTC...I am having fun counting all of the prescription bottles I have collected in 2006 - a whopping 12 various medications (from sleep aids - to anti-spasmotic stomach medications - to Provera - to things that are supposed to help me prevent another miscarriage)! When in the hell did I ever keep Walgreens that busy??? What exactly can you do with those bottles that could be creative??

I miss being me...

** Ya know, Dr. P (my counselor) said to me in my last session "People know exactly what kind of worker you are within ten minutes of meeting you." I didn't totally get that statement at the time...but I get it now. It goes back to my control freak issues...issues that, maybe, I am getting to old to deal with?

There used to be a time that I could handle all of this pressure - I worked better with it. Back in January 2003, my mom got really sick with a kidney stone, my dad needed knee surgery right at the same time, work was crazy (maybe not as bad as it is now, though) and my FIL was still dealing with the foot wound he has now, we were looking for a house to buy....and we were TTC (that is, of course, before Dr. D stepped in for the punt). Why was I able to handle all of that almost 4 years ago? And why can't I handle all of this now???

....The only thing I can think of is that none of those hurdles were more "personal" than the loss of my babies...and I am only figuring it out now. Losing my angels was/is the biggest blow to my soul I have ever had - physically and emotionally. And maybe this is the first time I am really acknowledging it....and dealing with it. I thought I had all of this under control - and maybe that was the "facade" I was creating for myself to show the world. Yep, I can handle this....like everything else. But, I can't. I really can't.

...But, that weakness makes me feel like I am a whiner... Why can't I just suck it up and move on? Why can't I just heal? There are others out there who have their battles to overcome: Mommies who can't bring their babies home yet from the NICU because they are not strong enough to come home (even at Christmas), mommies dealing with special care for their children above and beyond anything I can ever imagine, ladies who are praying and pleading with God to let their PG's stick and go the 40 weeks it takes to bring a healthy baby into the world, ladies going through their first holiday season with loss in their lives, ladies who have yet to know the joys of being a mommy and are denied that joy time and time again and again.

I feel like such a hypocrite. I have a beautiful son that is growing up so fast in front of my eyes, and I am just wracked with things I can't seem to handle....things I SHOULD be able to handle. This should be the best time of my life...but there are things holding me back from it.

Maybe I can't heal because, no matter what, I have to plan to try to get PG again? I don't have that "luxury" of saying "Hubby, I'm ovulating so let's hit it?" I can't ever relax in the TTC process because I need drugs to ovulate....and IUI to better my chances of conceiving a sticky bean (all three attempts at a "natural cycle" have all produce my angels, after all). I have to plan to plan to TTC....and it is a HUGE Catch 22....one that I cannot seem to reconcile. This alone is probably one of those "hidden" stressors that is undermining my "plans." I have to plan to TTC...but as that date gets closer, I start to stress out with: "What if I can't get PG with what I got PG with before" (I've been down that road with the failed 7/05 50 mg Clomid cycle)... "What if this cycle is a "winner" and I miscarry again." "Will I make it past 9 weeks this time?" "Can I handle another miscarriage?" "Can my family handle another miscarriage."

It's a vicious cycle that I cannot get my self out of. Anyone have advice on how to do that??

So, for now - until I can reconcile how I feel (and I mean for real this time), my primary goal is to be me again....like I was before TTC ever entered my life. To laugh again. To enjoy the little joys again. To want to be a part of things again. To enjoy my life - although it is not what I had wanted to myself - again. To live in the moment and enjoy the little things that Chris finds so amazing - again.

I miss enjoying my time with Chris...

Know what I am doing right now? Working my first day of work at home (which has been heavenly) - wearing my Chris' policeman helmet he felt I needed to wear today while working.

This alone has made today beautiful...time for me to play...

Introducing my new friend, Xanex!

...Well, I have officially started anti-anxiety meds this week. Feels like some sort of graduation, in a way. Oh, dear Xanex...please work. I need a break!

After being home sick from work two days this week yet again with the continuation of the stomach virus from Chris from last week, I told Hubby I needed a break, and fast. Too much stuff is going on - which of course is putting other things on hold.

So, Hubby talked to my doc yesterday about starting me on anti-anxiety meds. Dr. McC started me out on 0.5 mg. of Xanex to take at bedtime and we will take it from there. With everything going on all at once, he felt that even HE would need something right now to take the edge off. We will see how this works - and he is going to check in with me weekly to see how I am feeling. If I need something longer-term, or Xanex is not working, then we will move on to something stronger.

Am I okay with the decision of starting the meds? For now, yes. There is nothing wrong with needing the help (although I never imagined I would have to go this route...then again, who does?). We have to delay TTC another couple of months anyway because of what's happening with all of the respective family members - and, the resulting anxiety won't help me medically at all with TTC. So, in the end, it is for the best.

Am I disappointed that we are ending 2006 with yet another delay in TTC again? Of course! My life has been ruled by delay after delay since we decided to get back onto this crazy ride in May 2005, which started with the first delay in the Chicken Pox vaccine fiasco, delaying TTC until July 2005. What better way to end such a craptastic year with another delay! The only real thing I feel I have done right this year is Chris... Everything else has either been robbed from me (my babies) or piled on me (my work and all of this sudden family responsibility, not that the medical issues plaguing my parents and FIL are anyones' faults...just luck of the draw). I just wish my body would do right by me one more time and allow me to have a sibling for him... I don't ask for much - this is all I wanted.

And, of course, my hope of having the living room done before Christmas is out the door too. That delay is all Hubby's fault for not getting on the ball and 1) ordering windows when they should have been ordered, 2) getting the roof fixed so the porch was dry to work on, 3) cleaning off the crap on the front porch before S came over to work and 4) just dragging his feet in getting this started in the first place. S is doing a FANTASTIC job - he just has to work around the crap my Hubby calls "cleaning up" and it is very frustrating. If I had been feeling better, I probably would have been out there cleaning it up myself. ** Sigh **

But, the upturn this week is that my bosses, for the short term anyway, are setting me up to work from home one day a week! Finally! Technically, this is temporary until my mom is healed up and can resume watching Chris 2 days a week (somewhere around mid-February, we think). My boss came in to talk to me on Monday, after my Hubby's *secret* call to talk to him about it on Sunday, offered a few hours at home each week after coming in for a little while in the morning - that kinda defeats the purpose of what I need, so I didn't discuss it more after that. But, after being out sick 2 days this week, my Center Administrator came in to talk to me on Friday and asked if one whole day at home would lessen the load. I told her yes, it absolutely would - but, doing that might cause a problem with others in the office who had previously asked. She said don't worry about that - she will handle them - and called our Systems Administrator in to talk about how we are going to set this up. Yeah! So, starting Wednesday, I work one day at home - and Hubby will work 1-2 days at home (alternate with mine). Maybe, if things go okay, this could be a more permanent arrangement...

And, one little gesture from Hubby's grandmother was too sweet this week - she told my MIL that she wanted to offer me $1000 if that would help to keep me home for a month from work so we could get through everything that was going on. She is such a sweety, even when being a stubborn mule about medical stuff for herself. Of course, I could never take that from her - she is on a shoe-string budget with her own medical needs... But, the gesture was just amazing....and greatly appreciated.

So, here's to Xanex....and maybe a better start to 2007 for all of us!

Okay, Lord! I seem to be missing your sense of humor!

Remember when I posted I was going to reclaim my life and push forward with TTC in January in Getting off the "Whine Wagon"?? Apparently God has a sense of humor that is just sailing by me...

My mother decided that she didn't do enough damage to herself in her fall down the front stairs on December 2nd - so she did it again this past Saturday down the back stairs! The GOOD thing is that she successfully missed re-injuring her right knee and nose - she realized she was falling this time and braced herself with her right hand as she went down. BUT, she did something to her left wrist that I am still waiting to here the news on - it is very swollen, although she can wiggle her fingers.

...More importantly than her injuries this time, though, is we need to know why she has fallen twice in a week! This is not like her at all...and we need to know if the shadow they radiologist saw on her CT scan on December 2nd is something that is causing these falls.

Plus...my stomach is still a complete mess - we actually had to cancel on a 2-year-old's birthday party on Saturday night because I just felt all-around crap-tastic, for yet another weekend. I am really beginning to think that my thyroid is going haywire under all of the stress and pressure - and until I get the bloodwork back that was done on December 4th, it is just speculation. I just feel like crap all of the time: Feverish and cheeks flushed but freezing cold, body achy, fatigued, hands shaking, heart racing, stomach spasming all of the time, and down to 145 lbs without exercising in over a week (how can one lose 9 lbs in 3 weeks???). Hubby's cousin actually ask my MIL if I was sick because I have gotten so thin (last time I was 145 lbs was before I met hubby!).

Hubby, trying to be supportive, suggested I take take an HPT - I laughed, but humored him anyway. Of course it was a BFN - no shockeroony there since it kinda takes an ovulation to actually get pregnant! But, I am not upset about that in any way - now is not physically the right time for it anyway.

I know I want to TTC again - and I want all those things I posted about last week. I WANT one more shot at this rollercoaster. But, until we figure out what is happening with my mom, get my father and FIL past their respective surgeries and get my entire self feeling better (it is rather embarassing to hear your stomach gurgling all of the time - especially in meetings when it is quite quiet!), I see no way of January as being realistic for TTC again. I need to be HEALTHY and as stress-free as possible - despite my best efforts, I am not.

It is a set-back that I really didn't want to accept - but I have to. I have to do what is best for a potential child - and trying in January wouldn't be (unless some miracle happens and I magicially start feelign better). I am very disappointed...but maybe it is a good thing in the end? It gets me out of being due in October - too many losses are associated with the month of October now anyway. Except for my wedding anniversary, October is a marred month to me now... Maybe December would be better for a baby? Or, even better, January when Hubby and I have birthdays?

So....when will we start? I just don't know yet. Maybe March?? Maybe... Gotta get myself back to feeling better...for me and my family as it is now.

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting

Just a reminder that The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting will be held this Sunday, December 10th. Held annually the second Sunday in December, The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe as they light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.





As per the The Compassionate Friends web page, The Worldwide Candle Lighting is believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe - It creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

As history, The Worldwide Candle Lighting started in the United States in 1997 as a small Internet observance but has since swelled in numbers as word has spread throughout the world of the remembrance. A memorial message board is available during the event at TCF's USA website www.compassionatefriends.org. Hundreds upon hundreds of postings are received each year from all over the United States, as well as dozens of other countries. Some messages are in foreign languages.

Here in the United States, publicity about the event is widespread, being featured in the past in Parade Magazine, Ann Landers column (where my mother found out about it), Guideposts magazine, Annie’s Mailbox, and literally hundreds of U.S. newspapers, dozens of television stations, and numerous websites. Information on the Worldwide Candle Lighting and planned memorial candle lighting services is posted on the TCF website at www.compassionatefriends.org each year as the event nears.

The United States Senate has, for many of the 10 years of the Worldwide Candle Lighting, joined in the remembrance by unanimously passing resolutions declaring the second Sunday in December of each year National Children’s Memorial Day to coincide with The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting.

The Worldwide Candle Lighting gives bereaved families everywhere the opportunity to remember their child . . . that their light may always shine!

More pics from Suzi's wedding

Suzi gave me the following pics from the photographer last night from the wedding.... There are more, but these were very special...and I just had to post them. Enjoy!

After the wedding:


Chris certainly looks like he is praying here:


My favorite pic of all (notice my angel braclet made it into the pic):

Frightening story...and a call to action for all of us!

I received a copy of the Parents Magazine January issue yesterday in the mail.... Usually I let these types of mags sit for a while before I actually read them, but since I was trying to rest a bit to finally get over the lovely stomach bug Chris decided to share with me, I decided to read through it last night.

Chris: I love you baby....more than you know. But, can you do me the very small favor of giving Daddy the stomach virus next time??? The score card is 3:0 - unfortunately in Mommy's favor!

Anyways... There was a very frightening story in the January issue that all of us - regardless of where we are in our reproductive lives because this trend could go beyond the practice of obstetrics - need to read and take action on.

If you do not get the advance copies of Parents Magazine, the full story is not yet available (link will be available soon for http://www.parents.com/January - but, you can go here to get a "taste" for what the article is about:

Losing Your OB-GYN? You Might Be!

Dr. D had mentioned the problem with malpractice insurance coverage skyrocketing a few years ago to us (before I got PG with Chris in August 2003) - and how afraid he was that if the cost of malpractice insurance rose too much for him, he may have to back out of ob practice completely. He said that good ob/gyn's are being forced out of practice (or forced to cut back to gyn practice) because they can't afford the coverage - and med school students are overlooking the ob/gyn practice for that same reason.

Women across the country are loosing fantastic doctors - and NJ/NY/PA are all in the danger zones, with CT close behind (and that is just the tri-state area!). There was a section of the Parent's Magazine article siting that infant mortality rates in Virgina are actually rising> as the number of ob/gyn's in practice fall because of the cost of malpractice insurance coverage! Can that be any more scary for us as we approach 2007???

You can go here for the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) Red Alert List map. The ACOG also has an article about the issues here on their web site: Women's Access to Health Care Hurt by Medical Liability Crisis.

Dr. D is a fantastic doctor - I can't imagine losing him because ob/gyn malpractice insurance is second only to malpractice insurance for Neurosurgeons! But, he has already told us that if his insurance ups itself into the 6-figures area, then he has to quit ob practice. Where would that leave me?? Dr. D has an amazing passion for what he does - his is a doctor who has been in this profession for 20+ years and is on the Residency Board of the hospital you deliver at, who wells up when he sees that baby moving on an u/s or cries with you when you don't, and is adamant about finding out why you are habitually miscarrying - it is a crying shame to be on the cusp of loosing someone like Dr. D because of rediculous malpractice claims being filed.

That is not to say that some claims are not ligit - my brother and his ex-wife definitely had a legitimate claim after their oldest son was born (which they actually never filed). She had a botched c-section - the stitches opened less than a week after coming home, and she started bleeding and the site got infected. She was quite ill. But, the articles list claims that are being filed that are just not the fault of the doctors - and they are being sued for them anyway.

I am not one to fight on political/social issues....but it scares me very much that I am close to losing my ob/gyn - a doctor who has been through every up and down with us for the past 8 years - over an issue of insurance. Some reform needs to come around in the US....and we have the power to do it.

You can take action, if this in any way affects you, by printing the letter below (linked from the Parents Magazine site) and send it to your senators and state representatives to reverse this growing trend:

• Print Letter
• To contact your senator visit, senate.gov
• To contact your representative, visit house.gov

I hope all of you can help... I know I will be!

A request for prayers and information for an on-line friend

One of my on-line friends could really use some prayers from anyone who is willing to send some.

She and her DH found out at herr 20 week ultrasound (she is about 23 weeks now) that the baby has dolichocephaly (a rare disorder having to do with an abnormal shape of the head). The confusing thing right now, until they get their second opinion tomorrow, is that this could be a condition in and of itself, or part of a bigger problem - all of which can range from mild cases to very severe cases. They are waiting for her amnio results, but have been told that even if chromosomal issues are ruled out, it could be a genetic disorder.

One of the biggest issues for her right now is 1) she can't seem to find anyone dealing with the same condition, 2) it seems so rare that she can't find any support groups that discuss it and 3) she can't find much information on the condition at all.

So, if anyone knows of information I can pass along to her - or just prayers you can offer - please post a comment to this post. She will hopefully be looking for any information on the disorder or support services that she should ask for.

Thanks a million, all!

Getting off the "Whine Wagon"

You know... I took a good, hard look at parts of My New Year Meme and my Damn the Fates! post - and I've decided it is time for me to get off the "Whine Wagon."

"Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2007
1. How to stay positive for the future. I've lost my optomism over the past year."

I have felt sorry for myself for way too long... I have always been the optomist in my circle of friends... The one who was sure of the decisions she made and the relationships she had. And, here I find myself acting like a sick bird chirping for help. Where did that come from? Maybe it is justified...or was justified. To know you have things physically wrong with you that can cause you to repeatedly miscarry is not something that is easy to deal with. But, THAT WHINING isn't the real me.

So, I have come to some decisions that I just won't back down from. My docs have optomism that my body can get pregnant and stay pregnant again - so, I am going to match that optomism. There are things I WANT for my life - and I am done playing by the events that have ruled my life until now.

Here are the things I WANT for my 2007....

1. I want Chris to be able to wear this PROUDLY:



2. I want to look at and PURCHASE baby gear again like this:





3. I want to WEAR summer maternity clothes like this:















4. I want to look this happy again:





I am tired of the pity-party I have been hosting for a long time...The pity party is closing its doors to newcomers. It's time for some changes and get back to My Blessings. It's time for me to get back to me and live again.

Yesterday, despite feeling under the weather still from Chris' stomach virus (hey, Chris, darling, can you share your stomach viruses with Daddy at some point???), was a small up-turn of events for me:

1. Medically for me, I now weight 145 lbs (much less than I ever expected to be, so I have some wiggle room to gain some weight back...especially if I do have to start thyroid meds), I have started on a new pregnancy-safe med called Bentyl for the Gastritis (which is WORKING! So far, not much balking today from the ol' tummy), the Gastro doc re-ran the thyroid bloodwork that my endocrinologist's office never sent so I know where I stand with that (and can start thyroid meds, if needed).

2. For my mom after her fall on Saturday: She has a hairline fracture in her knee-cap (and a fracture in her nose too - that one is minor), which can heal on its own provided she keeps her leg straight. So, it should heal in about 4-6 weeks - it is "inconvenient" for right now for watching Chris, but I can and will make things work so she can heal completely. The good thing with her falling is that her and my dad are getting along better now! Go figure - maybe they learned something from each other!

3. I have decided that, since I have a lot of work to be done here at work and I can't do that work if I have to take days off to accomodate the medical issues of my parents and FIL, I am going to ask to work from home 2 days per week. I am going to talk to my Center Admin about it tomorrow (she was out sick today). Hell, it was offered to me and taken back 2+ years ago - and they have bent schedules around for others in my office. So, it is high time they do something for me in that regard. I do more than my share here...and I know I can make it work. I work for a math/computer science research center, for Pete's sake! I think we could figure out how to telecommute, right???

4. Hubby has put out the "job feelers" and is sending out his new resume.... He wants me home full-time (I will take part-time), so he's on a mission now. I don't want him to "prostitute" himself to those big-ticket firms...I want some balance for the both of us.

I am almost 34 years old... There are things I want...the biggest being a sibling for Chris. So, I have made the decision that I WILL NOT delay TTC because of the current events. I am done wasting time... I want to TTC again in January - and I am telling DH tonight that the games are back on!

...I will be breaking out the Provera on Christmas Day! That is my gift to myself - a period in the New Year and a fresh start on adding to our family. Time to celebrate! Let's break out the bubbly!

Hummm.... I think I am gonna call my friend Kris tonight and see if she wants to do a girls night out sometime soon. We haven't had one of those in a looooooong time - and it's high time we do! Muuuhahahhahahahahh!

My New Year Meme

My New Year Meme

Just spreading the Meme from Melissa at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters (this is a good one!).

Here are Melissa's rules:

"In honour of 2007 quickly approaching--and since I suck at actually doing memes once I'm tagged, I've started my own. I'm not sure if this is kosher--if a regular person can start a meme or if there is a group of men and women tucked into a dark room somewhere creating these lists. So...um...I tread carefully, attempting to not offend the Memers with my offering.

I have created this meme which can be done in two different ways. Either you can do all seven categories and list two answers for every category (get it? It's 2007, so I'm playing on the two numbers: 2 and 7) OR you can choose two of the categories and list seven answers.

The categories:
Things you learned this year
People you met
Things you don't want to take with you into 2007
Things you want to hold close as you pass into 2007
Things you're looking forward to in 2007
Things that were life changing in 2006
Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2007

(see--those are the seven categories. Now you can either give two answers for each category OR you can choose two from that list and give seven answers)."

Things I learned this year
1. Through persistence, I could in fact fit back into clothing I wore before I got married in 1998!
2. That I'm homozygous for the MTHFR mutation (stealing that one from you, Melissa, since we have the same problem!) and have Anti-Thyroglobulin Antibodies (Tg-Ab), both of which are causing my recurrent miscarriages.

People I met
1. My husband's boss, who I would like to give a swift kick in the ass to!
2. Many, many new ladies and gents of Blogs, FFriend, C-Moms and F-Family. Your support is amazing!

Things I don't want to take with me into 2007
1. My anxiety and panic over what is to/not to come.
2. My ongoing stomach issues.

Things I want to hold close as I pass into 2007
1. My family
2. My close friends who have supported me through our losses

Things I'm looking forward to in 2007
1. Maybe a healthy, sticky pregnancy???
2. Hubby getting a new job so I can cut back to at least part-time work and spend more time with Chris.

Things that were life changing in 2006
1. My last miscarriage and finding out why I am experiencing recurrent losses.
2. Going into counseling and starting a blog - and allowing myself to grieve.

Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2007
1. How to stay positive for the future. I've lost my optomism over the past year.
2. Maybe pick up a new hobby (like knit, crochet or needlepoint??) for relaxation.

Who I am tagging:
1. Jess at Walking By Faith
2. Joy at El Mundo de Mamacita

To take my mind off of things...

...Just wanted to share the "Three Faces of Visiting Santa."

November 2004: Our first trip, when Chris has no idea who Santa was:


November 2005: Our second trip, when Chris decided to freak out (angel baby #2 was with us at the time):


November 2006: Our third and latest trip. I think Chris was trying to teach Santa the "running man:"


Gosh, I love this Santa! Enjoy the pics!

Damn the Fates!

So, it looks like the start of the last month of the year and before TTC has swiftly become a reality check I wasn't expecting to get...

When I came home Friday night from work, I could tell Chris wasn't feeling good - he was very hot to the touch (although everyone disagreed with me) and was just not himself. After a feeble attempt at eating dinner, I told Hubby to make it quick eating his dinner and let's get Chris home. Around 7:30 pm, after 2 hours of watching him just mope and cry, we put Chris in the tub to get him to bed - and he promptly puked in it. Poor thing....he cried so hard because he was sooo scared of what was happening. After he got it out of his system, he perked up a bit - we let him watch the Backyardigans for a while, and at 10 pm he was tired enough to fall asleep. Hubby and I were up all night checking him (he slept in our bed with Hubby - I got ousted to the futon because there was no more room for me... I think we need a California King!), rescuing our penguin at 1:00 AM from the front of the house since the high winds decided it needed to take a walk to the neighbor's across the street, and being startled awake by our ADT alarm going off at 3:00 AM because the wind blew on one of the doors so hard, it set the house alarm off... What a night!

But, Chris is feeling much better - still not sure if it was an actual stomach virus since he was absolutely fine yesterday and today. But, he is feeling better and that's the important thing.

Now....onto the rest of it...

Hubby and I have had to come to tough decision today that we have to put of TTC a bit longer. I am pissed...but there is just not much we can do about it. And, really, its no one's fault in particular.

My mother took a header down her front stairs last night (which I found out about this morning...) - the CT scan of her leg is showing a fracture in her knee. So, there is no way she can care for Chris right now until she sees an orthopedic doctor tomorrow and finds out how long it is going to take to heal. On top of that, they had to do a CT scan of her head since she smacked it too (with a beautiful black eye!) and they found what looks like the aftermath of a possible mini-stroke from the past - she has to follow up with her/our GP (she, too, sees Dr. McC) to see what further tests need to be run to see what is going on. We are still not sure if it was a mini-stroke or not - she doesn't remember feeling anything like that at all. So, we have to wait and see what's going on with that.

So, with that now and my father's impending hip replacement in January and my FIL's surgery on December 20th for his wound on his foot - and the fact that my stomach issues are still here, worse than ever this weekend - there is just no way we can consider TTC in January. There is just too much stress right now....especially with how I am going to work out care for Chris since I can't afford to take the time off of work until my mom recovers. And, I just have too much work to get done.

All of our plans are blown out of the water, yet again. To say I am upset is an understatement... Maybe I should just take the hint that I keep getting over and over again and call TTC over for good. Every time I think I am getting ahead with this, the rug gets pulled. I don't understand it.

I'll be back to post when I have myself a little bit more together and can post a little more coherently.

Count Your Blessings

Well, it's December 1st... Some "milestones" for today:

• To me, December 1st is the REAL start of the Christmas season...not the "retail" version that starts the day after Thanksgiving. We will be breaking out the Advent calendar for Chris, which will be a new experience for him! Advent and the birth of Christ is the real reason for the season...a time for some joy and peace.
  
• I am allowed to start my annual "rendition" of the song White Christmas (which, BTW, is my favorite Christmas movie!). My Hubby just LOVES when I start to "belt out" this song... No, I am not a singer, so you can imagine my rendition appearing on the 1st American Idol show of those they cut out. ;) It is so much fun watching him cringe...
  
• The weather in the NE is actually becoming "Christmas-like" today....finally! Plummeting from about a 72 degree high today to about 40 degrees tomorrow. Yipes!
  
• Today starts my 10th month of blogging - quite the feat for someone who hates to journal! The real milestone for this is when I hit one year...but, I am in double-digits now, which is something I am proud of.
  
• In 30 days, we are back on the TTC horse...we think. In 30 days, we start a brand new year... Hopefully, we can all kiss the sorrow and disappointments of 2006 goodbye!
  

So, in honor of these small milestones...and making this a better Christmas season for us as a family than last year... Let me share with you one of my favorite songs of the season. Not quite a "Christmas" song, but included in the movie "White Christmas."

Count Your Blessings
Sung by Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney
in White Christmas

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings



And, here is another song I would like to share for today... Definitely not a Christmas song, but one that I heard while posting this that cuts into my heart...


I Will Remember You
by Sarah McLachlan

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories


I hope everyone can take some time this month and slow down a bit...and count your blessings, no matter what they are, as we spend time together for all of the right reasons.