Monday, August 27, 2007

Seeing things with eyes wide open

So, I've come to a decision over this past weekend...and it has taken into account several things. It has been a decision that has come with much sorrow, many tears, and still some lingering doubts. But, it is a decision I should have probably made this time last year, when I didn't want to realize that my body probably just doesn't want to do this TTC/pregnancy thing anymore.

...I have decided to get rid of all of the baby stuff that has accumulated in our house over the past three years - clothes, toys, stuffies, bottles. All of the things that Chris doesn't use anymore or is just too big for now, and would only be used if there was another infant in the house.

Along with the baby stuff, I have also decided to get rid of all of my maternity clothing.

I am going to ask Hubby's aunt, who works at a major hospital in a very urban city five minutes away from us, about how to donate it all. I was going to try to sell it - but, eBay is jam packed with toys that won't sell, the second hand place near us wants you to sell items on consignment (and she doesn't always contact you when something sells - which means she makes all of the profit), and I am just not up for having a garage sale (I think I would end up crying too much through it at this point). So, I figure there are families out there who are really down on their luck, and who need these things now...especially the clothing. So, I might as well get rid of it that way.

I just want all of it out of my house now. They are reminders of what is probably never going to happen for us least not that I can see.

There are several reasons, very logical and probably, in the end, time saving as well.

First off, we have absolutely NO ROOM to move in our basement and attic. It is full of storage tubs of clothing, toys and other accumulated crap that belongs to neither Chris or I. We want to finish the attic when we return from vacation (it is so large, we can make two bedrooms out of it - we are going to opt for one bedroom and a half bath at this point). Finishing the attic will add value to the house, and help us organize our life a bit. How would we work with all of that stuff up there?

Secondly, moving to a town with a much better school system will probably be a must, so it is just easier to have the crap streamlined now. Hubby is the ultimate pack-rat - if I don't do this now, we will be moving it all in less than two years! So, if I can address it now, then there would be less to move - and less to pay to move. To his credit, Hubby has been selling stuff on eBay - like his wrestling figures, light sabers, hats, guitars he never plays, etc. ...the things that just sit there and do nothing but collect dust. So, some cash is coming in that we can nest away...but he has sooooo much more to go (like a basement and attic-full at his parent's house as well)! It is overwhelming to me.

Third, and probably most importantly, I just don't think my body can handle TTC and pregnancy now. I really, really don't. So why keep these reminders in the house? They are doing nothing but taking up space and collecting dust...and until I know they are gone, they are always there to remind me what I have lost and probably won't get to experience again.

My endocrinologist called and left me a message yesterday - my thyroid b/w from Friday is just perfect. So, how I have been feeling - tired, exhausted, achy, cold - is probably all stress...

...and anxiety.

Ah, the "A" word again... What I had hoped would be an easy fix with an upped dosage of Levoxyl is not. So, that of course means I am going to have to bite the bullet and transition back onto Lexapro. I can't live feeling like this...but being on Lexapro means no TTC. However, I need to be "with it" right now for Chris, and I am not. So I already called Dr. McC about going back on it. He should be calling tonight. I don't think I need the dose I was on previously - but something to help me get back to a semblance of normal.

I finally did get my period last Thursday - Spotting for one week, very light/kinda spotty on Wednesday, then heavy for two days on Thursday and Friday, then light for two days, now nothing. Not quite normal for me - which means either stress is to blame, or I might really have to worry about scarring since thyroid is not the issue. So, I will be calling Dr. D to discuss checking on that as well today. Not that I will be least not anytime soon. But, it would be nice not to have to deal with this as well.

I feel like such a quitter. But do I have a choice really? Every time we come close to starting a cycle, the door gets slammed in our faces...or really, MY face.

Hubby has been so supportive on this - and is willing to do what is best for me. His line of thinking is that, if I changed my mind later this year or a year or so down the line and want to try again, we can always borrow the things I want to give away or buy it new as a fresh start. I am not holding out my hopes for that, but at least there is a back-up plan.

I have been thinking back to two things I said around the time I was PG with Chris - and they really haunt me now...

When I was about 5-6 weeks PG with Chris, my nausea was kicking into super-high-gear - I couldn't move without feeling like I was going to puke (which, ironically, I only dry-heaved twice the entire time...). We were trying to get out of the house to spend a few days with my IL's at the shore, since they rented a very small place for the week. I remember sitting on the bed, afraid to move because I felt like I was going to get sick - and saying to Hubby "I don't think I could ever do this again..."

Then, when I was at my six-week check up after Chris was born, I remember joking to Dr. D that I never gave him a run for his money when I was PG - even Chris' birth was scheduled since I wasn't going into labor on my own. And now, if I were to actually get PG again, it would not be the "easy road" I had with Chris.

....Talk about two comments that were a foreshadowing of what we are going through now. I wish I could take those comments back...

Maybe it is too soon to make these decisions...but I can't help but believe that these are the best moves for right now and for the future.

We are leaving for vacation on I have a week to really think about this. But, I think there will be a major clean-out starting in our house when we return on the 8th. I just hope that whomever gets the items we are giving away really enjoys them as much as we did.

I am just so disappointed...and sad that I can't seem to give Chris a sibling to grow up with. I just don't see it happening now.


DD said...

That purging will be difficult. I have had moments of large ones (garage sale with all the baby furniture) and small ones (packing away the clothes my son has outgrown). It will be difficult seperating the emotional attachment from the logical aspects, but please try.

I'm sure your friend will be able to point you in the right direction for donating the items, but in the mean time I would also check any women's shelters locally.

A minor tip in case you get overwhelmed with sentiment: take some pictures of especially meaningful toys or clothes to put in Chris's memory book with stories about them and why they were special.

Jessica said...

This post makes me so sad. I'm really left speechless with not much to say. I know that I'm no help so I'll just keep you in my prayers for now. Whatever you choose or do, we'll all be here.
Please try to have a fun vacation and hopefully you'll be feeling better when you return.

Adrienne said...

Tina, I don't know what to say. I've been where you are so many times. Sometimes you need to walk away from it for awhile before you can walk toward it again with the clear head and energy that's needed. Or not. There's nothing wrong with deciding this is it, too.

Use your vacation to whatever end you need to - to come to peace with your decision, to mourn your decision. And know that you'll come out the other side of this soon. Nothing is forever. Especially this.

Rachel said...

I know that this was a difficult decision for you. I hope that making a decision will bring you some peace.

The Town Criers said...

It's so sad, Tina. But this is the stuff that makes you an incredible mommy. And if I was up there, I'd be over helping you sort and fold. You're a wonderful person to think of others as you're also trying to help your own heart.

Amy said...

My heart goes out to you - I know how difficult that decison was for you. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to call me. I hope you have a great vacation with Chris and dh.