Monday, February 19, 2007

Hosting yet another pity-party

Well, I found myself hosting another (private) pity-party last night... Kinda felt like an ass afterwards, but I am sure I am not the only one who would have thought the same way yesterday if it had come up.

We are prepping for Suzi's baby shower on March 3rd. She is having a baby girl - which is great, except that knowing this baby is going to be a girl is now bringing up the reminders of the baby I lost in March 2006... A baby girl.

My MIL was showing me last night all the things she bought for the baby so far: Daddy's Litle Girl bibs, pink receiving blankets, pink onesies, pink sleepers, and so on and so forth. All very precious and beautiful and perfect, except for one small detail...

....I should have been the recipient of such gifts in October 2006.

Selfish, no?

My last miscarriage is the only miscarriage where a gender was determined. Of course, Dr. W at the MFM clinic said that testing on the POC (products of conception) in early m/c's can be incorrect when it comes to finding out the gender because maternal blood, etc. can be mixed in from the d&c and can be misinturpretted as a "healthy female." But, I feel in my heart that the test was right and the baby I lost was in fact a healthy female.

I hate these reminders.... And hate even more that they have to come up when they shouldn't - Suzi's family after all, and good family. I should be happy.

But I am not happy. I am jealous. I want two children - one boy, one girl, if possible. And, the longer I wait to TTC again, the farther that idea of hopefully having another child (and maybe a girl) seems.

This is going to be a long 2 weeks until the shower is over...

** Sigh **

I gotta stop thinking this way...

5 comments:

Amy said...

Lots of hugs going your way.

Val said...

Not selfish at all. Your feelings are your feelings - there are no right or wrong.

Lots of hugs your way.

Jessica said...

I understand how you feel. My pity parties have been coming on strong as my SIL is pg and it's just more in-my-face than any other pg ever. (ME is the first grandchild and all that). As you mourn your little angels, that I cannot truly understand. But what I do understand is mourning experiences that never happened. I often feel robbed of a lot of things.

It's a normal feeling and when it happens you need to let it out, like the last person said there is no right or wrong.

Dianne said...

I understand what you are experiencing. BIG HUGS! It stinks, because I am sure none of the people involved in the shower are even thinking about how it could be affecting you and that hurts just as much :( Right now I am dealing with newborns near me and one soon on the way- SIL's 3rd baby, 2nd little girl. geeez

dawn said...

Hugs Tina.