"Don't let yesterday get in the way of living today"
I have been thinking about this quote all week... Thinking about how I have spent the past 18 weeks or so of this pregnancy living in the "yesterday" - my past of loss, worry, fear. Thinking about how I have kept relatively quiet on my blog, in my BGs and in my real life about this pregnancy, in fear that I would have to go back and un-tell everyone...in fear of replaying history and puncturing another hole in my heart.
...And, there are times now when the fear is still there.
In early December, I had a small e-mail exchange with Mel about moving my blog from the "Pregnancy Loss" list on her blog roll to "Pregnancy After Infertility or Loss." It was a big step at the time...as I just entered the 2nd trimester - a time when that nagging fear of loss should be gone. But, it wasn't gone for me at the time. And, although the fear was still present, I had to take small steps to accepting that maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't lose this pregnancy after all.
With the "perk" of being high-risk (do we really want to call it that?) and getting the 3D u/s done yesterday (covered through insurance, thank goodness!), something changed that I can't quite explain.
...Maybe it was seeing this baby - the baby I feared so much talking to, rubbing my belly for in fear I was dooming his/her fate if I emitted any hope at all - as a real person for the first time yesterday: his face, heart, hands, toes, legs...everything in its right place, doing what he should be doing. Sure, I had u/s pics of Chris during his PG - but, never the 3D u/s pics where you could see every detail of what he will look like. That rush to my heart is without words...kind of akin to Dr. D announcing Chris was a boy when he was born almost 4 years ago...something I can always look back on fondly as E2 grows up.
...Maybe it was partly the most perfect rainbow I got to see on my way into work earlier this same week - start to finish - similar to this pic:
I never in my life saw any rainbow this perfect...this bright and beautiful...from beginning to end. It reminded me of another quote I saw shortly after I found out I was PG again...
"After the storm comes the rainbow"
The rainbow and the quotes had perfect timing... The rainbow, a perfect bridge from the sorrow I felt from losing my babies to the baby that refuses to let go, and the reminder that I can't allow myself to live in the past any longer. I need to celebrate what I have now...to be thankful, to dream, to live in the here and now.
I am hoping to archive from now on some of the good points of this pregnancy, as it goes on, now that I am finally becoming comfortable with it all. A good start would be actually showing what I look like now...about 10-12 pounds heavier with a tummy starting to show. I promise to do that sometime over the weekend...finally. It was something I had been avoiding.
2 comments:
I consider myself to be somewhat of an expert on rainbows. My favorite saying is "there can be no rainbow without a cloud and a storm."
I know from my life those storms have made the rainbows all that much sweeter.
I love the saying the previous commenter wrote and that you reflect in your post. And it's so true. I look forward to the belly picture, I'm sure you look wonderful.
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