Friday, February 29, 2008

February 29th: A Special Day to Remember

Calliope at Creating Motherhood came up with the idea a while ago to make today, February 29th, a very Special Day to Remember for the babies we have lost. Please go over and visit Calliope's blog, and the other blogs who are banding together today to remember the babies we have lost too soon.

It has not been until now that I have finally begun to enjoy this current, surprise PG. Every waking second, every appointment, every milestone in this PG has been overshadowed with what I have come to know all too well: Great betas (well, this one is directed to me specifically since I never got past the betas with any of my m/c's), first detection of heartbeats, great growth patterns, first kicks and punches does not mean a baby will come home with you at the end of those precious 40 weeks of pregnancy.

There has been so much loss lately....the reality of what can happen and what can go wrong is overwhelming. And, it is hard to ignore, even if the risks of something going wrong are "relatively low". I mean, recurrent miscarriage is supposed to only happen to a small percentage of women: about 4% of women to experience two losses; 0.16% of women to experience three losses.

How did I end up in that 0.16% anyhow? That wasn't supposed to happen.

I think that is what made enjoying this PG - one that seems to be progressing "normally," much like my PG with Chris did - hard to do up to this point. If I could be a part of that "elusive" club of recurrent miscarriers - that "elusive" 0.16% of women to experience three losses - who's to say this PG would result in a live sibling for Chris?

I dream of going to the jeweler and adding a new shoe charm in June for this little boy I am carrying to my bracelet I wear every day:


But, I push the dream aside sometimes because, well, will God allow me to bring another child home? The thought of adding another angel charm scares the hell out of me...and prevents me from partaking in the naive dreaming I once did during my pregnancy with Chris, when miscarriage was not yet a part of my vocabulary.

I guess what has been weighing on my mind lately is that the anniversary of my last m/c is coming up very 21 days. This loss was the hardest hit for me. The one that really knocked me down, heart and soul. I never imagined another miscarriage could ever happen. That I could be so sick with morning sickness and the baby could already be gone. That God could allow this to happen for a third time...and take another baby away from me.

I lost so much of myself on March 21, 2006... It has taken so long to find my way back - and it hurts me so much to see others losing themselves in this too.

Losing a baby is not supposed to happen. Not to me, not to anyone.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

I haven't visited in awhile because for some reason everytime I come to your blog, my computer locks up. I have finally gotten caught up and I am glad to hear that both Chris and E2 are doing well.

I am sorry that the anniversary of your miscarriage is approaching. I hate these anniversaries, and I hope that the day will go as well as possible.