13 weeks... And I can't seem to shake the fear

I am 13 weeks today... Officially (or unofficially, if you are a strict mathematician and go by being exact with 13 weeks, 3 days) into the second trimester. Officially "out of the danger zone" for miscarriage.

But, I am still having such a hard time being happy about this pregnancy....

...No, no. I don't mean not happy - I am happy. But, I am still having a hard time being comfortable about this pregnancy. Feeling comfortable... Feeling safe...

I have had repeat betas, all goods one. I have had three u/s's, all showing (and hearing) heartbeats, on-target growth, fetal movement. I cannot wear my regular pants anymore. I have felt what felt like movement already, last week later at night while trying to fall asleep (that percolating feeling, which I know from my PG with Chris is not gas).

But, none of this seems to alleviate the fear that, with everyone knowing about this pregnancy (which is getting rather hard to hide now anyway), something is going to go wrong. That I am going to have to un-tell everyone...again...the hardest to tell being Chris.

Days before each appointment are spent in an anxiety-ridden panic state:

• Sleep is minimal for days leading up to the appointment, which brings on additional nausea.
• I begin to make up scenarios in my head of how will I react to finding out the baby has died. Will I cry or be angry? Will I be able to drive home? How will I tell everyone? How will I face everyone? How will this loss end?
  
• I get short with the Hubby, nit-picking such little things he does, when he has been so great taking care of things I don't have the energy to do myself.
• I recoil from Hubby as he touches my tummy, talking to the baby growing in there.

Then, after the appointment ends and we leave with u/s pics in hand, I feel guilty for the things that I am preventing myself from doing:

• Talking to the baby myself in those days leading up to the appointments, in fear of getting to attached and having my heart ripped out again.
• Allowing Hubby to have his time with the baby...telling him/her the stories and singing the songs he used to tell and sing to Chris when I was pregnant with him.
• Feeling the joys of carrying another life with me every day.

After my last m/c in 3/06, I remember feeling such guilt for not praying enough for that baby to stay with us. I talked with my therapist about it - how I always carry this guilt that maybe if I had hoped and prayed enough for that baby, instead of feeling so guarded toward the PG to protect myself from the pain again, that maybe the baby would have stayed with us. I know the guilt is irrational... That there was nothing I could have done to save that baby.

Yet, here I am with that same fear...and that same guilt for feeling that same fear... Even with knowing that up until now, this baby is doing just fine. He/she is growing and thriving...and, has a much greater chance of surviving and being born.

All of the doctors involved are so positive, so reassuring that things are going to progress just fine. Why can't I allow myself to feel that?

I have built such a strong defense mechanism for myself...and it is so impenetrable, that I am having a hard time living one day at a time, enjoying the time I have with this pregnancy.

I miss my naiveness I had when PG with Chris. It was a time when I felt nothing could go wrong...that loss could never possibly factor into my world. When morning sickness, as awful as I felt at times, still meant that I would bring a child home in the end. That m/c could never happen to me.

I know all too well now that anything can happen... That just because God has allowed this PG to happen, the "natural" way, does not mean I will bring a baby home. That just because I felt like I was going to puke at any moment, the baby may not necessarily be alive.

I wish I could find that total optimistic side of myself again... I used to always think the cup was half-full. I feel so different now...always waiting for the world to fall in on me.

Maybe these feelings will change once I start feeling movement consistently...have a little reassurance between appointments that he/she is moving around. That won't happen for a few weeks more...

Until then, what do I do?

I want this baby more than anything... To finally give Chris the sibling I always wanted him to have. To finally give the grandparents another grandchild to spoil. To finally give our family the gift of a new life.

How do I stop myself from fearing the worst?