Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Why do Butterflies follow me?

I have noticed that, for a long time now since I started taking my two mile walks at lunch, I seem to have a very specific type of butterfly "walk" with me as I go. The butterfly (or -ies, since I cannot be sure if it is can be the same one every time - they do have a relatively short life span) that accompanies me often looks like this:

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It seems that every time I am out walking or just taking in fresh air, whether it be at the track at work, walking around campus, playing with Chris in the back yard or playing at the shore by the ocean, this same type of butterfly is there - and it is nothing I have ever experienced before.

So, it prompted me to take a look on Google to see if I can find a symbolism to why this butterfly (or -ies) follow me.

I came across the following web page: Khandro Net. According to the web sites intro, it is
a premier site unique in situating Tibetan Buddhism within a wider context, it has topics ranging from Acts of the Buddha to Symbolism including that of Animals, and of Deities such as The Dakini. Practitioners will also find Prayers, Practices, Announcements and Teachings.
Below is a list of the symbolism that can be found on this site about what it means to be accompanied by butterflies. Not sure which meaning I like...although, some that I prefer are: Spiritial Evolution (since I seem to be coming to acceptance of what life has given me so far), Blood (since butterflies can be considered spirits of fertility), and Prosperity (re. the Irish Blessing).

Intersting that, when I decided to spend the $$$ to create a custom skin for my blog (thanks, again, Ro at Caio! My Bella!), the image I picked was to be a peaceful angel...who just happens to have butterfly wings... Was a drawn to this for a reason beyond my understanding? Maybe...

Full reading of this can be found here: The Butterfly. It was very enlightening.
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As Uncaring as a Butterfly

The usual, Western, view is that the butterfly is a carefree creature. HH the Dalai Lama explains that, rather than carefree, it is uncaring: "The butterfly never meets its mother. It must survive independently and remains a stranger to affection. An animal nurtured by mother's milk, however, is dependent on another for its basic survival. A child who grows up in a cold and detached home environment is similar to the butterfly, in that kindness is sparing. Once an adult, it will be very difficult for that person to show compassion."

"Human affection is a very, very important element. At a young age, compassion is very crucial not only for survival but to establish these very important human values." ~ Jessica Hawley (The Bandera Bulletin, Nov. 23/05) reporting on the address at University of Texas at Austin's Frank Erwin Center on Sept. 20/05.)

The Butterfly Lovers

North of Dali not far from the current Tibetan border, in Yunan province on the slopes of Changshan, are three graceful Buddhist pagodas (the tallest, built in 836 CE, measures over 69 meters) and Butterfly Spring (Chi. hudie quan). In the 4th lunar month, when the trees blossom, thousands of butterflies of twenty or so species emerge from their chrysalises to flutter over the water and hang in colourful clusters from the branches. The event is associated with the legend of the Bai maiden named Wengu, whom a local ruler of the Nanzhao Kingdom [729-1253] wanted as his concubine. To escape the grasp of the powerful lord, she and her lover committed suicide here by drowning, but they are said to reappear every spring in the form of a pair of butterflies.

Spiritual Evolution

The butterfly exists in four distinct forms. Some consider that so do we: The fertilized egg is planted in our mother's womb. From our day of birth we are like the caterpillar which can only eat and creep along. At death we are like the dormant pupa in its chrysalis. After that, our consciousness emerges from the cast off body, and some see in this the emergence of the butterfly. Therefore, the butterfly is symbolic of rebirth after death.

In ancient China, this role is played by the cicada. An amulet of jade in this form was placed in the mouth of the corpse of a noble person. Some examples exist from the Han dynasty (206 BCE - 220 CE.)

In the Americas: In the 1600s, in Ireland, killing a white butterfly was prohibited since it was believed to be the soul of a dead child.

In the town of Bath, England, is the Theatre Royal built in 1805 that is home to several ghosts. Besides a mysterious grey lady, who regularly appears in her own box, spectators in 1948 first reported a phantom that materializes as a butterfly at Christmas pantomime time.

Releasing butterflies to celebrate an event: For Christians, the butterfly's three steps of metamorphosis -- as caterpillar, pupa and then winged insect -- are reminiscent of spiritual transformation. The caterpillar's incessant crawling and chewing reminds us of normal earthly life where people are often wholly preoccupied with physical needs. The chrysalis (cocoon) resembles a tomb and empty, can suggest the empty shroud left behind by Jesus. Therefore, a butterfly represents the resurrection into a new condition of life that is free of any material concerns.

In images of the Garden of Eden, Adam's soul is symbolized by a butterfly, or drawn with butterfly wings. In paintings of Mary and her Child, the presence of butterflies stands for their care for human souls. The Gnostics depicted the Angel of Death by showing a winged foot stepping on a butterfly.

Since the insect is so fragile it can be torn apart by a hard rain, the butterfly stands for human frailty, both moral and physical. Also, as its life is not a long one, it is also a symbol of the ephemeral nature of physical existence. A butterfly with a torn wing is the icon for a North American charity that benefits disabled children.

The butterfly is also a symbol of woman's delicacy. It can serve as a reminder to treat her with gentleness. In Japan, a beautiful woman wearing a kimono is often compared to a butterfly. Favoured as a family emblem (ka-mon) or crest in Japan.

Fire

In mythology, the butterfly is rarely distinguished from the moth, so since the moth is irrevocably drawn to a flame, both are related to Fire. Also, since the source of the flame makes no difference to a moth -- in fact it can be the cause of its death -- then it is also a symbol of inconstancy and even promiscuity or indiscriminate sexuality.

Transfiguration

In America among the Aztec and Maya, the god of cosmic fire, Xiutecutli, is symbolized by a butterfly. Fire is considered the element of transformation, as in cookery and the smelting of metals. This association is borne out in traditional psychoanalysis where a dream or drawing of a butterfly is taken as a symbol of the client's imminent transformation.

The ancient Greeks depicted the spirit of a person as a winged stick figure. Interpretation of that symbol gave rise to the idea of the "soul" or psy.cheh as a butterfly.

Later, long-suffering Psyche, bride of Cupid (Eros,) was compared to a butterfly. It was her use of firelight to get a glimpse of the true nature of her mysterious sleeping husband that led to her downfall, and a series of dire trials that eventually led to her transfiguration.

English translation of Lucius Apuleius' Cupid and Psyche (2nd century CE.)

A Symbol of Symbolism

Sophistication can be defined as the ability to read and manipulate symbols. Since range of meaning is linked to one's culture and level of education, symbolic references can also be the source of misunderstandings.

Once, I gave a present of a framed iridescent blue Morpho butterfly to a good friend, who had watched over my home while I was traveling. She was not particularly pleased by the gift, interpreting it as an indication that in my opinion she was superficial -- a "social butterfly." At the time, I was not wholly aware of the reason why, whenever I saw butterflies on my trip, I began to think of her. Not long afterwards, she and her family were involved in a horrible traffic accident in which only she survived. I think I had unconsciously tried to prepare and console my friend through the gift of a butterfly.

The Caterpillar

In mythology and art, the caterpillar -- the larva (immature form) of a butterfly or moth -- is not usually distinguished from the worm, which is associated with rot and disease. However, only a caterpillar spins itself into a cocoon, where the mysterious transformation takes place during the time of "retreat" known as the pupation period.

Sometimes, our daily period of sleep is viewed as a time of pupation, so that when we dream our minds seem to roam free like the butterfly. The Pikuni and T'suuT'ina (Blackfoot and Sarcee, of Alberta and Montana,) like ancient Greeks and Romans, associate the butterfly with the wandering consciousness that seems to occur during the dream state.

In the Canadian Pacific northwest, the Haida depict Butterfly as the companion of Raven the Creator-Trickster, perhaps acknowledging the unpredictable and unreliable nature of "flights of fancy" and dreaming.

The Anishnabe (Ojibway, Western Cree) relate that the first children would not try to get up and walk until there were butterflies:

In the beginning, the animals took care of the first Anishnabe children. The animals provided everything for these babies — food, warmth and companionship. While the larger animals guarded the children and kept them safe and warm, the smaller animals played with the children, kept them happy and made them laugh.

The children in return imitated the animals, their protectors and playmates, and crawled around on all fours. In fact, the children neither knew of nor tried other ways to get around.

One day, Nanabush watched these children laugh, roll and tumble with their friends. He knew it was time for the children to know who they were, to know that they were Anishnabe, to grow up. Nanabush scooped up a handful of pebbles and cast them into the air.

The pebbles turned into butterflies — butterflies of all sizes, of all colours, fluttering here and there. The children looked up and saw the beautiful celestial winged creatures. And for the first time, they stood up on their legs and ran laughing, chasing the butterflies.

Keeshig-Tobias, Lenore. The Trickster: Running for the People, Carrying Fire for the People. RCAP, 1994.

Blood

Butterflies can leave behind droppings that resemble blood. Before 1553, when Gosse discovered this source of "red rain," people who lived in the paths of migrating butterflies must have seen this as a bad omen, indeed.

In some circumstances, the butterfly will drink blood. The Udmurt (or, Votiak) whose homeland is in the Urals, consider butterflies spirits of fertility. A large percentage of the population is ancestor-worshiping, and they still follow the old ways. If the crops are failing, they go out to capture white butterflies in a white cloth. They bring them back and introduce them to a sheep carcass in the expectation that they will enjoy the offering and bless the crops.

(Other gardeners, on the other hand, might take small white "butterflies" for grain moths or white-cabbage moths, whose caterpillars tend to consume the crops.)

Prosperity

An Irish blessing goes: "May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun, and find your shoulder to light on. To bring you luck, happiness and riches today, tomorrow and beyond."

The Hopi (southwest USA) have a ceremonial butterfly dance called Bulitikibi which they perform to do homage to the butterfly so that it will confer prosperity.

Flutterby, Butterfly

Some say that the word "butterfly" is a sort of joke that entered into English when Shakespeare transposed the letters in the original word, flutterby. It is not so, for the designation has been botter-fleoge at least since Old English, according to the Oxford English Dictionary.

However, it is amazing that, unlike most animal names, the word for this insect is so different in the various languages. (See William Beeman's "Elusive Butterfly" linked above.)

Gingara

In Mae Hong Sorn, the northwestern province of Thailand, live the Shan people, whose roots are in northern Myanmar (Burma.) They celebrate the end of the rainy season retreat at full moon of the 11th lunar month, as instituted by the Buddha, with a ritual re-enacting the myth of Gingara. It is thought that this tradition comes from Himalayan Buddhism, where Gingara (Skt. gangara) is a figure of power and good fortune. (Also, the Ghaghara is a tributary of the Ganges.)

The inspiration for the festival derives from the verse: "And at the end of the retreat period the Buddha told Indra that he would descend to the world of humans himself to celebrate the end of this season." Tradition holds that the Buddha descended to earth by means of a ladder made of jewels in order to be with all living beings.

Gingara is sometimes shown as a garuda, a mythological creature that is half human and half bird. In Thailand, it has the head of a woman and the body of a peacock. In the festival, three creatures represent this and form part of the costume of the Gingara: the Lion, the butterfly and the serpent.

The lion, as we have seen, is a solar symbol and one of the four vehicles of Buddha. The serpent represents the energy of the earth and its water. The butterfly represents the air.

Butterfly Dogs

In the 1600's, a dwarf spaniel was developed that is named for its broad, erect, and feathery ears, ie. the Papillon, (aka Continental spaniel) which is the French word for "butterfly."

In 1861, Queen Victoria was given a Pekingese dog by Captain Hart Dunne. Known in east Asia as the Butterfly Lion, the Peke was considered a kind of spirit-dog and it is one of the breeds associated with Buddhism. One of the many myths surrounding its ancestry concerns a lioness who suffered under the brutish attentions of her natural mate. The gods took pity on her and arranged that she consort with a butterfly. Her offspring was the Pekingese, which has the heart of a lion, but the grace and delicacy of a butterfly.

Rumer Godden. The Butterfly Lions: The Pekingese in History, Legend and Art. 1978.

Science

What Has 2 Wings But Is Not a Bird?

Moths and butterflies belong to the family Lepidoptera. In mythology and iconography, for the most part, no distinction is made between the moth with its fat furry body, and the butterfly, which is generally more delicate and colourful. That is not surprising, since many people even mistake the bats (often 5 in number) that appear as a motif in Asian textiles and other crafts, for butterflies.

The Butterfly Effect

This is an aspect of chaos theory. It is often misunderstood, especially when the expression is intended to refer to a "sensitive dependence on initial conditions." For example, the way a seeming insignificant event can cause dramatic consequences. It is incorrectly described as the disturbance of the air caused by the movements of a butterfly's wings that can, over time and with changing circumstances, become a hurricane. (That notion is, rather, tied to one of Poincarre's mathematical ideas concerning the importance of minute variation.)

The Butterfly Effect is, in fact, a pattern with the form of a butterfly (ie. bi-lobed) that appears in the mathematical plotting of meteorological or other random or chaotic distributions. It was first noticed when barometric pressures were charted. As Michael Cross shows, Edward Lorenz first used the seagull as his metaphor. In any case, the butterfly has now become a symbol of extreme sensitivity to the slightest change, and as such has been co-opted for use by a major software company.

Resolution to make October 15th the Official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day will be voted on today!! ** UPDATE**

*** AS AN UPDATE***

The resolution was passed last week! October 15th is now the Official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day!!!!

Thanks to all those who helped!
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The resolution to make October 15th the Official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day will be voted on today!!!



A total of 51 Representatives are supporting this Resolution... Let's keep our fingers crossed that this October 15th is the first OFFICIAL Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Crap, crap, crap...

...I just noticed I lost 2 tiny diamonds out of the ring Hubby had made for me for our anniversary 3 years ago.

CRAP!

They are replaceable...not a big deal in the grand-scheme of things. But, this is a one-of-a-kind ring and I hate going without it. At least it wasn't the center sapphire! That would have been a doozy!

Guess we will be off to the jewelers this weekend...

Monday, September 25, 2006

Autism Speaks: Annual Walk for Autism Research

For anyone who has been touched by Autism, Autism Speaks! is getting ready for its annual signature event, Walk for Autism Research.

My friend C (who was involved with my meeting Hubby 19 years ago) has a son who was just diagnosed with Autism this year, after so many other medical battles in his relatively short life. She and her her husband T are taking part in the Annual Walk for Autism Research:

Image hosting by Photobucket

To send a donation:

Click here to get to the Scholz personal page and make a secure, online donation.

Or, you may make a check payable to Autism Speaks and mail your check to:

Timothy Scholz
5171 86th Ave N
Pinellas Park, FL, 33782-5352

Your donation will get where it needs to go - directly to Autism Research. Thank you!

Looking back to how far I have come since July 2005

I decided today to look through some of my past posts... To see how far I have come since TTC #2 and figure out how much farther I have to go in reclaiming my life, and to move beyond the pain of the last year.

First and foremost, I can't believe I have actually stuck it out and continued to write for seven months straight! I have been totally honest with myself - and for the first time, not been afraid to show the hurt that has been in my heart to the outside world. This has been one of the hardest things for me to do - I, unlike my Hubby, am not good at verbalizing how I feel. I usually acknowledge to myself my hurts and hide them from the rest of the world. But, through "journaling," I am really learning how to talk about my pain, and allowing it to make a positive turn in my life.

Second, the anger I have had - whether obvious or subtle through my past ramblings - seems to be fading into the background. Even though I have more "anniversaries" to get through (meaning more hurts to overcome), I feel like I am more at peace with how events have unfolded over the past year. I feel like powers beyond my control are guiding me to the right time to start TTC again - that 2006 was not the right year to bring another life into our family. And, I am accepting that now.

Third, I am getting my humor back, learning to enjoy some of the things I used to enjoy way before TTC ever ruled my world, and focusing on the things that matter most in my life: My family and friends. It has been a long time since little things like swinging with Chris on a swing at the park or calling one of my girlfriends has truly made me happy... It is a nice feeling to be comfortable in my own skin again.

And, last and something that is very important to me - I am finding my faith again. As many of you know, my faith has been very lacking over the past year (see post on Has anyone seen my faith?)... I tried going back to church again, I tried listening to and reading things that should have brought me closer to the faith I once had, and up to this point, not much had worked. I have envied how others, through their own struggles, could keep their faith and I could not. But, I do feel that my losses have brought through some new hope in a new life (see How my miscarriages have brought forth new life) and I am finally at peace...and have some faith again.

As TTC again looms in front of me - I can finally acknowledge that I AM scared of what is to come. I AM scared of miscarrying again. I AM scared of the cycles just not working. I AM scared that I won't be able to conquer my fears. But, I think I am better able to face these fears now...and work through them.

...And, yes, I will still continue to see my counselor through TTC again. ;)

I know I am getting the best care I can through Dr. D and the MFM clinic, and any future pregnancies will be watched more closely. I know I have a great emotional support network in place - and know who I can count on if another loss is enevitable. I know I am physically healthier (well, almost - still working on the stomach stuff here!) and in much better shape to hold another pregnancy. And, I LIKE looking in the mirror and seeing my old shape back!

I am ready for this - I am ready to try to conceive again. I will not look back at past cycles and compare them to current ones anymore. I will not be charting, except for meds, OPKs (if I even have to do them) and procedures like IUI. I am ready to accept the "What will be, will be" and truly live it that way.

Maybe that has been my lesson all along...and only now am I able to see it, accept it, and let it go.

So, in honor of beginning to let go...

Fly
By Celine Dion

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless Journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace all one word
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet.

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly, where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light.

Chapter 4: How a two-year-old can scare the crap out of her parents (and hosts!)

Last we left off, Chris was battling his cold...

We had arranged with friends of ours (M&J) to come down Labor Day day and stay overnight with their daughter, Kaila. They arrived around 11 am Monday morning...just in time to see the Dover Township Emergency Response Team (ERT) unit at our house. Not to worry - this was a social visit! The sergeant is a client/friend of Hubby's and he brought the ERT unit over with his liutenant so Chris could take a tour of it (pics to be posted in the next chapter since my MIL is still holding them for randsom!).

Anyways, we had a very nice time with M&J down for the day - unfortunately, we missed boardwalking with them and our other friends who live in the area because Chris decided to take a 3+ hour nap. Oh well...wasn't like he WOULDN'T get to the boardwalk, right?

Monday night was a trip trying to get the kids to go to sleep - they just fed off each other, so we let them play until about 10 pm (which Chris never gets to do!).

Tuesday ended up being rather rainy, so we decided to hit the beach in between showers (pics still held hostage) and when it did rain, stay indoors and play. Chris loved the water - Kaila loved the sand...can you say match made in heaven!

...Then, it was time to pack up and our guests to head home...and here is where the fun begins!

Kaila is a darling little peanut - she is as tiny for her age as Chris is a moose for his. She will be 2 years old in early December, yet she just hit 20 pounds. However, her strong-willed personality (and I mean EXTREMELY stong-willed!) would make you think she was a little brute - not the peanut she really is.

As her parents were gathering up the bags and such, she was "teaching" Chris how to open and close the doors to all of the rooms - except, she wasn't betting on the locks on the doors. Around 6 pm, as she closed the door to the room they stayed in, she flipped the lock and locked herself - and only herself - in the room. She began to scream bloody murder as she realized she couldn't get out of the room - and she was trying!

So, as she screamed from the inside, M, my FIL and Hubby were taking the door handle apart. I was trying to keep J calm, because she was just crying as much as her daughter was. Finally, Hubby got the door handle off on the outside, and pushed the doorhandle off to the inside - but, the lock still wouldn't unlock. Kaila, being the smart cookie, picked up the doorhandle and kept trying to push it back in to try to open the door. Finally, after about a 20 minutes, Hubby got the door opened, and Kaila came rushing out!

Kaila was fine....and much calmer than her mom. But, everyone recovered well...and, after they left, we taped the door locks with duct tape so Chris wouldn't get the same bright idea.

Amazingly, my MIL slept through the entire incident! Not sure how that happened - but, thank goodness she did! Otherwise, I have a feeling we would have been replacing the window screens out of our security deposit!

Friday, September 22, 2006

Monitor On Psychology issue dedicated to TTC/Infertility

Thanks to Drea on C-Moms, she pointed out that September's issue of the Monitor On Psychology is dedicated to TTC/Infertility. I encourage everyone to check out these articles - they were very helpful:

  • Battling the Self-Blame of Infertility
  • Does Stress Hinder Conception?
  • How to Handle a Stubborn Stork
  • Private Loss Visible
  • They are So Wanted


Here is the journal and articles link:

http://www.apa.org/monitor/sep06/toc.html

Hope you find these articles helpful too.

...and, a BIG thanks, Drea!

Oh, while I am at posting articles, here is one from Conceive Magazine on miscarriage:

http://www.conceiveonline.com/miscarriage.pdf

...Lets keep the good news a'rollin' in!

Just got back from my endocrinologist appointment this morning...and Dr. S confirmed what the radiologist told me Tuesday - there appears to be no thyroid problem. YEAH!!!!

So, why exactly was my T4 elevated, you ask?....











....Because if the damned birth control pills!

Can you believe it! I go on the BCPs to try to regulate my cycles (which, of course, it has not done), and on the back end, they create more stress and worry. Please remind me to NEVER make that decision to go back on them again!

Dr. S explained that Dr. R and Dr. McC ran the thyroid bloodwork for TSH, T3 and T4 - but, not FREE T3 and T4, which gives you the true level of the hormones in your body. What they ran shows you T3 and T4 with proteins attached to the hormone - and, because I was on the BCPs for a few months, the BPCS were causing more proteins to run through my system, elevating the T4 readings. Which explains why the T4 levels kept increasing over the summer from being completely normal in the Recurrent Loss Panel in May...I was on the BCPs from mid-May through the very beginning of August - and the last T4 level (the highest one I had) was run on August 22nd, not allowing enough time for my body to flush out the proteins and extra T4 attached to them. Now, that I am almost 2 months off the BCPS, the bloodwork she ran today should show normal FREE T4 levels.

As a precaution, she is also running a Thyroid antibody screen - she said you can have thyroid antibodies in your system, which may or may not make you develop a thyroid problem, but can certainly affect your chances for additional miscarriages. So, I will know those results next week sometime...but, she said it is unlikely the bloodwork will come back with a positive for thyroid antibodies (she is sure Dr. D must have run that in the Recurrent Loss Panel).

....and, I am STILL 151 lbs! Yippeee! Can you say, Gap! Watch out! Here I come! Mommy needs some new clothes for the fall!

What does all this mean for the future now? Hope, for sure. Peace, absolutely.

I am finally being treated for the MTHFR/homocysteine issues, so we will know in November if the Folgard is working well. I have had little problems now with my stomach...although, I have yet to see what happens when I come off the Librax (hopefully, the stomach issues will not return so strongly). I have kept the weight off, and am physically in a better place to TTC again. And, I have finally, truly, come to a peaceful place about the losses - to a place where I can remember, but not feel angry, upset or alone.

I just have to keep the weight off now...and see what Dr. D will do about getting me knocked up again. I still have reservations about using Clomid, since the last 3 tries have not produced stellar responses...but, now that I am 35 lbs lighter (and weight less than I did when I get pregnant with Chris on 50 mg Clomod), maybe it will work better and I just need to trust and try it again. That conversation comes up on 10/23 when I go to see Dr. D for my annual...

I think I have come to a point where I can begin to close this chapter of my life and look toward the joys of the future. I know I will still have bad days ahead - especially, when I am TTC and finally pregnant again, and the worry of another miscarriage will creep back in - but, with Dr. P's help, I think I will be able to face it better.

Until then, I am going to enjoy life for a while!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Chapter 3: The Boogey-Nose Imp (Christopher, of course!)

...Now, onto Chapter 3 of vacation...which, now, seems like it happened a year ago (damned work!).

My mom calls me Friday to mention that Chris has been sneezing like crazy...which I also had noticed Thursday night. So, I figured, maybe he was just having some allergies again - it certainly was starting to feel fall-like, and when I have an allergy flair-up, so does he.

WRONG!!!

Friday night, someone opened the faucet that is his nose and forgot to turn it off!

Poor thing... He was sneezing, nose running, mild coughing - not quite a good way to begin vacation. But, he is a trooper! He slept like a log Friday night (after aiding him with some Children's Tylenol Cold) and was very chipper Saturday morning (just with a runnign boogey-nose).

After we made it down to the shore through Hurricaine Ernesto, and he (and I) took a 3 hour nap (can you say heavenly...except when I woke up and realized my contacts were sticking to my eyeballs), he just chilled for the day...not much to do when it is pouring rain.

The weather started to clear a bit in the very late afternoon....so we decided, let's take him to The Music Man Ice Cream Shop! The Music Man Shop is an ice cream store where you get seated, order your ice cream and when all of the orders and served, the wait staff presents a half hour performance - We called and made reservations for 5 (the place is VERY busy!) for 6 pm.

When we arrived, we had to wait outside a little bit (they were finishing up a private party), and during that wait, you could see Chris was starting to get a little icky....he was whiny (which is NOT his style), eyes getting red and he just looked tired. Once the party cleared, we went in and got seated...then we could really see he just wasn't feeling good. So, after about 10 minutes of sitting at the table, looking over the menu, I made the decision to take him back to the house and call it a night. We apologized to the wait staff...and they genuinely felt bad that he was feeling so crappy and hoped we would come back when he was feeling better.

My IL's stayed a few minutes and bought take-out ice cream (which, we did give to Chris at home - helps a sore throat, right??), while we got him settled into his jammies. He didn't sleep that well Saturday night - even with the Tylenol. But, once he woke up Sunday morning, he was ready to go again....sleeping it off (as best he could, anyway) did make him feel better.

Of course, there was some residual boogey-issues through Thursday of vacation...but, he felt much better after Saturday. And, amazingly, NO ONE caught that cold!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The Lo-down on the Thyroid Scan and Uptake...Good News!

This is yet to be confirmed by the endocrinologist on Friday morning, but it looks like I may not have a thyroid problem at all!

I went over to St. Barnabas Hospital early Tuesday morning and arrived around 7:15 am... After registration with the outpatient test area, I headed up to the 1st floor radiology area. Radiology has several areas...so, once I found out where I really needed to be and followed the HUGE maze, I finally found Nuclear Medicine...

Step one was to do a brief history with the tech supervisor. Once all medical information was confirmed, I got to swallow this lovely green and white capsule - taken out of 2 different storage containers since, well, it is radioactive. Not sure if I was glowing after I swallowed it...

Then I headed home for a few hours to allow it to run through my system... During that time, I started my marinara sauce for dinner (yummy!) and did some major fall cleaning out of clothing. Now, I have room for some new skinny clothes!

I headed back for the uptake and scans at noon...thank goodness I decided to leave early, as it took me 15 minutes to find a parking spot (nothing like letting outpatient testers have complimentary parking). Then, I headed back through the maze to Nuclear Medicine.

After 15 minutes of waiting (and watching all of these elderly people being left on stretchers in the hallways while they were waiting for tests to be run), I was called in (still no glow, at least not that I could see). After reviewing the medical stuff with the tech doing the actual test (nice, older fellow...very personable), I was taken to the uptake area. I had to remove my necklace so it would not interfere with the test - that was fine, as long as I didn't have to remove the tiny hoop earings I wear! Those hoops are the worst to get back in!

The uptake test is quick - they point a gun-like device at the base of your throat and leave it there for a few minutes, then do the same on your leg for a comparison. Not bad. Took only 5-10 minutes.

Then, we headed over to the scan area... Yozers! My neck hurts today! I was asked to lie down on the gurney and place my neck on a triangular pillow, which tilts your head back in a total craning position (I had a GREAT view of the old tile ceilings...maybe I should tell them they have a small water leak?). After that, he put another triagular pillow under my knees to keep me from moving around (the knee pillow was comfy!). I had to stay in this position for about 45 minutes straight! Each scan took about 8-10 minutes to complete (3 scans are done - thyroid gland head-on, and then a scan from an angle on either side), but the adjustments between scans also take time so he can scan the gland clearly. During that time - you CANNOT move! I think I fell asleep for a while...what else was there to do?

After the scans were complete - and I was no longer light-headed from the craning position - the radiologist came in to review what he saw in the tests:

Uptake (or how your thyroid works) is perfect, and the scans only show that one side of the gland is enlarged, which is very common and not an indicator of a problem. Also, the radiologist said that if it were a real thyroid problem, I should have 2 of 3 levels elevated (T3, T4 and TSH) - my only elevated level is T4. He did say some of my symptoms sounds like a hyperactive thyroid...but by the tests alone, he sees no problems at all. He said, sometimes there can be a small glitch triggered by pregnancy, miscarriage, medications, etc. that make it look like you might have a thyroid issue, but will correct itself on its own. This may very well be what happened to me.

Talk about good news! So, keep your fingers crossed - this may be off the problem list on Friday!!!

Please Support October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

To any woman reading this blog who has either experienced one miscarriage or several, or has supported someone through a loss - or to any man reading this blog who has supported someone (whether it be spouse, fiance, girlfriend, sister, daughter...) through a loss...

Please support the work trying to be done to make October 15th the Official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day:



I am trying to do my part by calling and faxing my Congressional Representatives. I also have on my car an official Support October 15th magnet on my car and am wearing my support band.

We need 50 total Representatives to support this Resolution, but we need 11 MORE to support it! Please try to do your part as soon as possible... We have one more week to get this done!

As many of you know, October is a big month for me... I learned about my second miscarriage when I started bleeding on October 30, 2005 - and the ultrasounds and bloodwork started on October 31, 2005 began to confirm the Blighted Ovum. The baby I miscarried in March 2006 would have been due October 30, 2006. Making October 15th an official rememberance day for babies would be a very healing step.

Thanks so much to all of you...

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

....and 2 years ago today...

...I had my first miscarriage.

After Chris was born in 2004, I opted not to try BCPs after pregnancy because I had hoped that, because of the pregnancy, my cycles might regulate. They did - for about 2-3 cycles, then it was downhill again from there.

In my first real (and charted) cycle after Chris was born, I had a clean ovulation...and at 15 DPO, realized that AF was not here (nor were the AF symtomps). It was a Sunday - the day of the baptism of a friends' son.

So, I decided I better test...and lo and behold, it was a BFP! I was shocked - scared - excited!

I didn't say anything to Hubby at the time because we were leaving to head to Toms River for the baptism. But, I brought the + HPT with me in a baggie to show him later.

But, during the baptism and the party afterwards, I started cramping - badly. Then, about a 1/2 hour before we left the party, AF showed - and with a vengance.

I was disappointed, for sure. But okay with it - I figured that the test was probably just defective, or I read it wrong. So, when I got home, I threw the test away in the trash... That was it. It was over.

...Now, 2 years later, I know this was my first miscarriage. Am I sad about the loss? Absolutely. Am I devastated about the loss? Unfortunately, no...and maybe that is because I didn't realize at the time it was in fact a miscarriage. Do I feel guilty for that? Definitely.

I chose to take 6/27 and 10/30 off for my EDD's not to be...to try to remember them on the days that they should have been born. Funny how I ended up off today anyway, since my thyroid scan and uptake test had to be rescheduled from last week because of Dr. McC's office staff error. I am glad...I can give this angel his/her own special time.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Chapter 2: Escort down the GSP with Hurricane Ernesto

The start of our vacation - after the minor fender-bender involving my carpool buddy's car on the way home from work the day before - was interesting. Not bad, just amusing in some ways.

Of course, there was the requisite packing the night before...and packing....and packing... In the third vacation with Chris in tow, it is getting a little lighter - no swing, bouncer, pack-n-play, etc. to pack! But, there is the HUGE storage tub to pack with all of his fav toys (the tub, BTW, seconds as a bathtub since the house we rent only has showers). I got to do all of it - except for Hubby's stuff. He's a grown-up and can figure out what he needs. Done packing around 11 pm Friday night...not bad!

However, my MIL drove us nuts for 2-3 days prior to the trip because of the reports of Hurricane Ernesto... Rain, more rain... Flooding in the roadways...flooding at the shore. Beach errosion. What are we going to do with the trip down to the shore? I told her, we are going, rain or shine! Just travel slow!

So, Saturday morning, we got up early and did the usual routine: showers, breakfast, etc. DH packed up the Forester (filled to the gills, but at least I could see out the rear-view mirror this year) and we were on our way around 10 am, just behind my IL's, who left about 20 minutes before us... I think this was our BEST packing and loading time EVER.

As we headed south on the Garden State Parkway (GSP), the rain and wind wasn't too bad... Needed the wipers, but it wasn't pouring. Then comes MIL cell phone call #1:

"Be aware there is a tree in the roadway around Exit 135."

Okay...we are approaching Exit 135 (which is approximately Clark, for the NJ folk). No tree...no back-ups, which are bound to happen on the GSP with a tree in the road. I think my MIL took too much Effexor or something.

We called my MIL back... "Where was the tree? There is no tree."

"It was on the side of the road...in the shoulder."

Uh, duh. Like that was going to matter for traffic.

The rain still isn't too bad... Then, we hit the Driscoll Bridge (which, for tri-state area residents, is known as the break between "the city" and "the shore". As we are going over the bidge (which is very elevated and wide), you could feel the car swaying (especially with the "clam" - or storage tub mounted on the roof of the car - decreasing the eurodynamics of the car).

About halfway over the bridge, MIL cell phone call #2 arrives:

"Be aware we just called the troopers."

"Why?" we asked. "Accident?"

"No. But the lawn chairs bungied to the roof of our car just flew off at the end of the bridge. We called for the troopers to pick them up. Watch for them so you don't hit them."

"You didn't stop?" we asked.

"No, figured there was no way to get them back."

We start cracking up at this point... Never, in all the years we have collectively headed to the shore for vacation, have they EVER lost anything off the roof of the car. And, knowing my MIL, I am shocked she didn't make my FIL stop to get them.

As we head in the area where the chairs should have been...none were to be found. Either the troopers were really amitious and picked them up...or someone just stopped and got some free chairs. Personally, I think the aliens took them - who else would stop in heavy rain and wind for old lawn chairs? But, that's just me.

A few miles up the road, we see a 3-pack of paper towels on the shoulder...so, we just HAD to call them to bust on them about the chairs.

"So, we didn't see your chairs," we said.

"No?"

"But, did you lose some papertowels?" we asked.

"Uh, very funny."

The rest of the trip was relatively uneventful - usually, you can expect a few idiots to drive like maniacs (or, like its 80 degrees and sunny), but I guess they stayed home. The rest of the trip was peaceful...with Chris singing his heart out to the Backyardigans CD playing in the stereo.

We arrived at the house around 11:30 am - which is great timing! Usually takes about 1+ hours to get there from the 'hood (or, Irvington). Time to stretch!

The men did the car unpacking....yeah! No wet hair for me! The ladies did the room settling...and the Chris prep for lunch and nap. We were settled in by 12:30 - Chris had lunch, and mommy took a nap with him afterwards...

Not bad for the start of vacation. :)

19 years ago today....

...I met my Hubby. Phew! Has it been that long already! Amazing how so much has changed in almost 2 decades....yet, we are in a small way, still the same.

I wasn't planning to go to my high school welcome dance... It was a Friday, after the first week of school (okay, the first week of High School!) at an all-girls catholic school (this was my choice, since the boys in grammer school were, to say the least, mean to a girl who "developed" early). The change to high school was enough for me that week - I didn't feel like subjecting myself to meeting a whole slew of high school boys. But, a friend (C) I met on the bus earlier that week wanted to go....and she insisted I go with her.

I met up with C after my parents dropped me off at the door (wow, were we lame or what!) at 8 pm. We went in (and, like high school freshman, we were the first to show up - even lamer!) and the music just started. We had a good time meeting up with others from our class, seeing the guys show up, and scanning the guys to see who was "cute" and who were nerds.

Around 9 pm, C saw this guy (Joe) and "wanted to dance with him." But, she just couldn't ask him herself (insert eyes rolling here - as, years later when we were 22 years old, she was chasing male dancers around at the clubs!). So, off I went to ask him to dance with her at the next slow dance. Joe agreed - but only if I and a third friend we met up with would dance with two of his friends.

Ding! Ding! Ding! WARNING LIGHTS!!! What we do for friends, right?

So, I agreed and about 10 minutes later, the next slow dance comes up and the three guys head through the crowd like a Navy armada.

C and Joe walk off together to dance, leaving myself, our other friend and two guys standing there like dorks. Finally, the one guy breaks the ice and says, "Come on...lets meet each other and dance." He takes my hand and off we go.

Here is the song that was playing...

The Search Is Over
by Survivor

How can I convince you what you see is real
Who am I to blame you for doubting what you feel
I was always reachin', you were just a girl I knew
I took for granted the friend I have in you
I was living for a dream, loving for a moment
Taking on the world, that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever, the search is over
You were with me all the while
Can we last forever, will we fall apart
At times it's so confusing, these questions of the heart
You followed me through changes and patiently you'd wait
Till I came to my senses through some miracle of fate
I was living for a dream, loving for a moment
Taking on the world, that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever, the search is over
You were with me all the while
Now the miles stretch out behind me
Loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie victims of the game
Then good luck it finally struck
Like lightning from the blue
Every highway leading me back to you
Now at last I hold you, now all is said and done
The search has come full circle
Our destinies are one
So if you ever loved me
Show me that you give a damn
You'll know for certain
The man I really am
I was living for a dream, loving for a moment
Taking on the world, that was just my style
Then I touched your hand, I could hear you whisper
The search is over, love was right before my eyes

We didn't talk until after the song was over.... He asked if I wanted a soda (gotta love high school dances!), and escorted me to the cafeteria (did I mention the dance was in my high school gym?).

It was there that he introduced himself as "Nek" - that is Ken spelled backwards, drop the "c". Oi! What a lame line that was....but, so sweet, I couldn't leave. We talked for 2 hours...about his cousins (who at the time were 4 and 6 years old - now, the 4 year old is getting married and is expecting her first baby!), about school, about what we wanted to do with our lives... The time went by so fast...yet it felt like I knew him for years.

Then, I had to make a confession to him.... I took him over to where my purse was and dug out my glasses: Yes, I wore glasses! He laughed himself to tears! He thought I had some "deep, dark secret" that was going to scare him off. He still makes fun of me about that now. I always respond that it was a good thing he was good looking...my vision isn't great without glasses!

At the end of the dance, he gave me his phone number. Me, being the traditional type of girl, gave him my phone number and asked that he call me - I wasn't going to chase him, I wanted him to chase me. He escorted me out to my parents car, said hi to my parents, and shook my hand (my mom laughs about that, even now!).

He called the following Sunday night...and we talked for about 3 hours straight...and the rest of history.

The night I chose to go to that dance was the smartest choice in my life. He has been my rock so many times...and every road really did lead back to him. Sometimes, fate has a funny way of working...

Friday, September 15, 2006

Vacation Chapter 1: The Psychic visit

The boardwalk psychic visit actually happened on the last full day of vacation...so, this will be out of "time-sequence," if that really matters!

I walk into her "storefront" (really, a larger room followed by a smaller room, separated by a red curtain) and she tells me to sit down...she needs to "clear her mind" (sure thing, since our friend S just had a reading done a few minutes before). After a few seconds, she tells me to come in to the small reading area...

She takes my hands and begins to examine them, front, back, front, back... The first words out of her mouth is that I have a nice, long life-line - I should live well into my 80's. Phew! So, we will have to see what is happening around 2056! Although she didn't mention anything specific about how long I would be married, she did say I was happily married to a supportive man. So, Check #1 for her.

She then beigns to ask me about my mom...

She says my mom is very stressed and sad. Did someone pass recently that she was close to? I replied no. Check subtraction #1. Then, she tells me that I am very different from my brother and sister - I care about people's feelings and minimalize the meaning of "stuff" in my life (meaning, materialistic things), whereas they are "stuff" oriented and everything is always about them. They only "care" about you when it is convenient for them. Check #2 for her! She said they are a great source of stress and sadness for my mom...and that I need to be her rock to get through it. She says my mom is not a well woman (Check #3 for her, since my mom does have several autoimmune diseases, anxiety and stomach problems), and that being her sounding-board will help her to reduce the stress and be well. She also said my mom takes such pleasure in Chris when he is there for the day (Check #4, since I didn't tell her my mom watched him) and that the arrangement is very good for her.

Then she tells me that a move is being planned for the future... I respond yes, but not the very near future - it was in the very early "planning" stages. So, she asks how close my parents and in-laws live to me - and I told her my parents live a town over and my in-laws are around the corner. She tells me to keep that kind of distance - not to move everyone closer. Not because no one gets along - we all do. But, such a close arrangement could cause stress for us (meaning Hubby and I) in the long run. Check #5 for her, since I didn't mention until after she said this that the plan was to try to find a three-family house (or some sort of arrangement like that) to have everyone close. She said, absolutely, don't do it. Humm...

She also says that my job has been stressful lately...that I work with the public and the work I do affects those who attend the events. Check #6, since she didn't ask what I did until after she said that. She said, try to stay out of the politics of the office - it would only cause more stress than I need right now. On that, she is kinda wrong (Check subtraction #2) as the politics of my office have gone away since the departure of my "fav" ex-co-worker (psycho) Maria...but, then again, she could mean the University itself, which in that case, she would be right. So, I will take that at face value for now...and keep it in the back of my mine.

Then, she finally came to the issue I was hoping she would....children.

She asked, you have had several pregnancies, right? Check #7. I responded yes. She asked, several were not successful? Check #8. I responded yes. She asked, how many living children do you have? (Now, as a psychic, she should know that, right? But I will let it slide for now...). I responded 1, out of 4 pregnancies.

She holds my hand and says, "You are meant to have 3 living children. Don't give up, as you have the best care you can get."

Now, this falls in line with what she told my MIL in July, and what she told DH in July and after my reading (he went in after me again). So, maybe that can be true? Only time will tell.

However, what does bother me is that she told S that she will have 3 children as well (although the 3 for her includes her m/c'ed angel in 8/05)... So, children come in 3's to her?

In the end, she got a lot right - way more than I was expecting for $10 and 10 minutes time, and not coming forth with informatin to "aid her" in her reading. But, at the same time, there were generalizations that could be applied to just anyone she meets... Again, only time will tell...but, considering how well the MFM appointment went, maybe she will be right...

My amazing vacation....broken into "Chapters"

Since so much went on during vacation (mostly good, some not so good...), I am going to break down the events into "Chapters:"

Chapter 1: The Psychic visit (coming first, since everyone is waiting to hear about the results of it!)

Chapter 2: Escort down the GSP with Hurricane Ernesto

Chapter 3: The Boogey-Nose Imp (Christopher, of course!)

Chapter 4: How a two-year-old can scare the crap out of her parents (and hosts!)

Chapter 5: Peace found by the ocean

Chapter 6: Play time and other funny Christopher moments (pics will be included....which is why this is later in the chapter list!)

Chapter 7: Some sad news to accompany the last night of vacation

Chapter 8: The return to reality - Work, doctor screw ups, unexpected weddings!

I will try to post one or two chapters per day...I hope!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

How my miscarriages have brought forth new life

I am back from vacation (and, a FANTASTIC vacation it was!)... There is a lot of work I have to catch up on here at work (shocking!), so posting the details of my vacation and pics here on the blog and saying hi to everyone on FFriend, FFamily and C-Moms won't be possible until the weekend. I apologize for the lack of communication...I am lucky I get a chance to eat lunch right now!

Until then... I have to share an event that has brought such peace to my soul...

Through all of the heartache of the past year, I have searched and searched for a reason for why I have miscarried my three angel babies - and I don't mean medical reasons (I know at least part of that now), but more spiritual reasons. And, it has not been an easy journey. It is hard to smile or laugh when all you want to do is hide from the world and cry.

Thinking back to the 18 months it took to TTC my Chris, I was angry and upset and felt worthless that my body could not do what it should naturally - ovulate and conceive children. But, finally, the answer to all of the hurts and questions during that time was born on May 4th, 2004....and all of the pain was washed away in one second when they laid my beautiful Christopher in my arms. It was (and still is) an amazing time...

But, as I have tried and tried to heal from the losses of my three angels, I have not been able to find those "answers" to explain the losses. I am a "scientific" thinker - I need an answer to move past the hurt, which is a hUGE flaw of mine. I feel that as I make small steps in healing, I am always knocked back down again with what to some would be miniscule reminders - but to me, are stabs in the heart. But, that has now changed...

Tuesday evening, Chris and I decided to wait outside for Daddy to arrive home from work - and Chris could watch the cars and airplanes go past the house (he LOVES it!). As we were waiting (as Hubby was late coming home), Hubby's aunt (Cookoo Auntie - who lives across the street from us) waived "hi" as she answered her door to get the pizza she ordered for dinner. A few minutes later, she and Hubby's cousin (Suzi) came out of the house and made their way over to our house....which is not unusual, since they LOVE to play with Chris.

When they got to us, Suzi said "she had news."

Okay....I'm in the dark here! Fess up, girlie!

She holds out her left hand and announces she is engaged.

YEAH!!!!!

But, in that moment, I did think it odd she was engaged because she had JUST gotten back together with Mike in late July. After 3 1/2 years of dating, Mike was in a bad spot - no direction to his life, working at a Jersey Mike's deli for little pay and no working car. Suzi decided she needed some space in March-ish and started dating other people (Mike knew) - and she felt Mike needed some time to decide what to do with his life. She went round and round until she realized she missed him....and he realized he needed to make more of his life. So, they got back together in late July.

Okay....so I am thinking loooong engagement. Very pretty ring (it his Godmother's). She looked happy.... I am happy for her. He's a nice guy at heart.

The Suzi says "...but, there is more news.... Chris is going to have a cousin."

At that moment, I am thinking her friend is pregnant again (Kier got pregnant and ended up with a "shot-gun" wedding at town hall in 2004). No big deal, right?

But, then I realized it was SUZI who was pregnant! I was speechless...

Now, I am not close-minded by ANY means - my sister and brother both had children before they got married to their ex's (and my brother's son was in his!), so this is nothing new to me! I was just shocked that she, of all people, would end up in this situation.

She and Cookoo Auntie explained how Mike was getting his act together well, she has a potential better job lined up for herself, that they had a plan in place - They are getting married on November 12th, will live with her parents until they can afford an apartment and be ready for her EDD of April 3rd.

Then, she asked if I would be in the wedding (she was in mine) and if Chris would be in it too. Cool! Another wedding! And, Chris in a tux - double cool! So, I agreed...and I am happy for them.

But, I had to ask her if she was okay with all of this - that she wasn't rushing into marriage just because she was pregnant, that she was sure of her decisions about the baby, that she was ready to be a mommy. And, what she said to me has really put my aching heart to rest...

She said that when she realized her period was late, she stalled to test by a week - she was in denial. When she finally tested, she was in even more denial about the result she got. So, she talked with her parents, and with Mike, for hours one end... She considered abortion and adoption... If she had this baby, all of her plans and dreams for her life would change dramatically. She wanted to start a career, have fun (she is only 23 years old), have a nice wedding...ane eventually have children, just not now.

...But, as she talked with everyone and thought about how this baby would change things, her mind kept settling on ME and what Hubby and I have been through loosing three babies that were wanted so desperately...and not easily conceived. She thought about the hurdles it takes me to get pregnant in the first place...and the monitoring it is going to take to make sure any future baby will be healthy - and stick. She asked, how could she take a life away before it has a chance to begin, when she has watch me cry and cry for the babies that were taken from us - from me? She asked, how could she chose to terminate a life when I had no choice in the termination of three? She asked, how could she sleep at night with a decision to terminate a life because it didn't fit "the plan" when I can't sleep at night thinking about how different my family should have been three times over. So, she decided that she would accept this gift of life - even though it was not conceived at "the right time" - make the best choices she can to raise this child right.

Her consideration of what Hubby and I have been through over the past year just took my breath away...and has, finally, given me the answers to why these losses had to happen. My emptiness and sadness of never being able to hold my angels has opened the door to a new life - a life that will be greatly appreciated and loved. Her decision - their decision - has brought such peace to my heart, I just cannot describe the feeling right now.

My miscarriages have brought forth new life.... What more can I say? My heart can finally begin to heal knowing that my three angels were not taken from me for no reason...and I am grateful. The weight on my heart is really beginning to lift.

(I just hope the pregnancy vibes rub off on my come the New Year....)

Meme about Christopher

ME tagged Christopher

3 Things That Scare Me
- Loud, sudden noises
- Loud concerts
- BIG dogs or dogs that like to lick

3 People That Make Me Laugh
- Daddy
- Cookoo Antie (Hubby's aunt)
- Zia (our frient S)

3 Things I Love
- Snuggle time with Mommy & Daddy (or anyone willing to snuggle that is not a stranger)
- Singing
- Mommy coming home from work

3 Things I Hate

- Mommy leaving for work in the morning
- White Rice
- Green beans (I changed my mind on this one...I used to like them)

3 Things I Don't Understand
- Why mommy has to leave for work every day
- Why I can't splash like crazy in the tub (cleaning up the water is such a trivial thing, isn't it?)
- Why some other kids are so grabby of my toys and won't share their toys

3 Things On My Desk/Table (or my highchair)

- Thomas the Tank Engine trains
- Jay Jay the Jet Plane planes
- Books galore!

3 Things I'm Doing Right Now

- Not sure (mommy is at work)...probably napping though
-
-

3 Things I Want to Do Before I Die (don't like the thought of that- changing this to- Before I'm 3 yrs old:)
- See the BIG trucks at the quarry where PopPop works
- Fish with Papa
- Do whatever daddy does (include wrestling, acting, signing, playing guitar, etc., etc.......)

3 Things I Can Do
- Sing any song played for me
- Jump in place until I am out of breath
- Give great hugs and kisses

3 Ways to Describe My Personality
- Humorous
- Stubborn
- Smart and inquisitive

3 Things I Can't Do

- Read books (although I know all of my letters and numbers!)
- Walk well on slippery tile floors with non-skidproof socks on
- Go up and down the stairs without mommy or daddy watching (how dare they be cautious!)

3 Things I Think You Should Listen To
- My singing...
- My singing...
- My daddy's guitar playing (with my singing)

3 Things I Think You Should Never Listen To

- Anyone fighting - it's scary
- Grandma trying to sing Opera (don't worry, she knows she's not good at it either!)
- Gwar (the heavy metal rock band...although they are really funny to watch)

3 Absolute Favorite Foods

- French fries
- Ice Cream
- Cereal

3 Things I'd Like to Learn

- How to wash and dress myself (I am learning!)
- How to play the instruments I like (like piano and guitar)
- How to swim

3 Beverages I Drink Regularly
- Water
- Iced Tea (decaf, of course!)
- 1% Milk

3 Shows I Watched as a Kid
- The Wonder Pets
- Pingu
- Thomas the Tank Engine

3 Babies we will tag:

- Paco
-
-

Friday, September 01, 2006

We're goin' on a trip... We're goin' on a trip!

We are off tomorrow (with Tropical Storm Ernesto in tow) to the Jersey shore... YEAH! The Subaru Forester will be packed to the gills, but the trip isn't too long.

To start the trip off with a real "bang" - I got to be involved in a minor car accident. Our system administrator's at work (we carpool to save $$$ on the gas) was driving his wife's car and this idiot woman didn't notice were stopped at a red light and she hit us pretty hard. None of us were hurt...but now he has to get his wife's car fixed (which was JUST fixed from another accident).

No more thinking about doctors appointments, tests, losses....nothing. This is to be all rest, relaxation, fun...and a trip to the boardwalk psychic.

So... I will post when I can. But, I am going to enjoy my time with Chris, Hubby and my family.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

A new, positive outlook for the future... FINALLY!

I finally have a new, positive outlook for what is to come for TTC...finally, finally.

On first impressions alone, the MFM clinic had their act together - we were amazed from the second we stepped into the clinic. All we had to do was hand over our paperwork I completed ahead of time, they copied my insurance card and drivers license, and we paid my $10 co-pay. Plus, they validated our parking ticket, so we didn't have to pay for parking - spiffy! Less than ten minutes later, Dr. W actually came out to get us, personally, and led us to his office (which his walls were PLASTERED with diplomas and certifications...very reassuring we are in the best of hands). What a breath of fresh air that was!

...I must say up front that I am going to have some FUN with Dr. D next time I see him! Dr. W explained to us that he sees Dr. D at least 2-3 times a week, between weekly staff conferences at the obstetrics department in the hospital and consults while women are laboring/delivering - so, he assured us, he and "Tommy" (yes.... TOMMY!) will be in touch often about what is going on in our case, well beyond the formal "consult report" he will send over to Dr. D this week. What a nice reassurance that was... And, I am going to have a ball calling Dr. D "Tommy" next time I'm meeting with him. Heehee!

Now, onto the nitty gritty of the appointment...

After explaining the usual "stuff"of the consults they run through - how at least 70% of women will go on to have normal PG's after habitual m/c's, how nothing can really be done in the 1st trimester if a woman is going to m/c, how the "school of thought" is split on certain protocols of treatment (like progesterone, baby aspirin, etc.), yada, yada, yada - we went over family history. He said Dr. D did not send him everything from the recurrent loss panel he would have liked to see (i.e., the chromosome panels on both Hubby and I) - he wants to see it because of a case of CP and a case of Down's Syndrome on Hubby's side of the family. But, that is okay for now since Dr. D did not flag anything. He will request it from Dr. D after the appointment, just to verify Hubby's chromosomes are okay (Hubby is jealous that, technically, he can call me a "mutant" and can't - what a weirdo I married!).

He reviewed the genetic testing results from the d&e in 11/05 and the d&c in 3/06. Obviously, a gender could not be determined in the 11/05 d&e because there was really no baby to test. I knew that. But, he said that in the genetic testing from the 3/06 d&c, it showed a "normal female." I knew that too. He said that, honestly, there is really no way to tell the gender of that baby - at the stage of PG I was at the time of the d&c, there is a good likelihood that part of what was included in the genetic testing was specimens from me from the procedure, resulting in the "female" result. I knew that too - I have read up A LOT on how many errors in gender can be made on genetic testing from a d&c. But, in my heart, I know my last angel was a girl - and, he was kind enough to respect that.

He then asked the question "Why were we here?"

I explained that after Dr. D found the homozygous MTHFR mutation and elevated homocysteine levels, he urged us to come over for the consult before we considered getting PG again. Dr. W then said that he was glad it was Dr. D who suggested the consult, not us pushing for it and forcing the issue. The reason for his thoughts on that are, even though he knows we are scared and nervous about TTC again (as are many couples who have dealt with recurrent losses), our heads and hearts are in the right place to try again. He said when women/couples force their docs for the consult, especially after only one to two losses, emotionally they are not ready for this - and, in the end, they may not even have a problem that needs to be addressed. Not that being proactive is bad, in his estimation... He said that, even though we (really I) have had a hard time dealing with the losses, we (really I) are thinking logically and pushing to address the long-term issues of my healthy first - and THAT will make his role in this more successful. It is very nice to know he would like to see the long-term issues addressed first - can't have a healthy PG withouth a healthy mommy, right?

Then, we got into the specifics of why we were there...

Dr. W said, first and foremost, we HAVE to get the homocysteine levels way down. He said that, well beyond PG losses, the levels are not good for my overall, long term health (specically cardiac) and they have to be brought down now. So, he wrote a script out for Folgard to start immediately - then, since we are not looking to start TTC again until Janaury, he will retest the levels in early November. Of course, one of the other docs involved (either Dr. D or Dr. McC) can test it earlier if they want - just make sure a report is sent over to him to keep him updated. Once I DO get PG, then I will be seen very often in the 1st trimester for u/s's and check-ups at the clinic, in addition to Dr. D, since the 1st trimester is the most important for the condition. So, we should have many u/s pics to share, when the time comes. :)

As for the thyroid issues - he said that, until we know for sure if I really DO have a thyroid issue, he can't say for sure how things will go. Yes, my levels are elevated, but not HIGH - which means, either I am starting to go hyperthyroid or this could actually be a fluke and my thyroid could be normal (especially with no family history of the condition). So, he wants to see the results of the thyroid scan and uptake tests done on 9/13 and we will go from there. If I do have a hyperthyroid, I have four months to get it under control (which is plenty of time) - and, in his estimation, because it is not running rampant and it was caught early, I should just need oral meds to get it under control. For clinic purposes, if I am hyperthyroid, I would be seeing them often throughout the entire PG, checking for normal growth in the baby and thyroid levels. He said, yes it is a complication - but a managable complication as long as I am being seen regularly by them, my Dr. D and an endocrinologist (which I have to schedule today, just in case I need it).

He also said that he needs to request from Dr. D the thrombophila and autoimmune panels run in the recurrent loss panel from May - even though Dr. D said to me the results were normal, he wants to see them anyway to verify the results (not that he doesn't trust Dr. D's judgement - he assured me that Dr. D ran one of the most thorough recurrent loss panels a doc could run). If he sees anything that is on the high-end of "normal," he will consider also adding in the baby aspirin and/or heparin injections into the cocktail with Folgard.

Now...on to the part that pissed me off with Dr. R (the upper GI doc) and why I will NEVER, EVER see him again on purpose...

Not only did he not give the elevated thyroid levels urgency to me...
Not only did he not address the pressure in my stomach which was causing me to not be able to eat and feel sick to my stomach after what I did eat (chalking it up to good 'ol IBS)...

...He totally MISrepresented the CT scan results on the fibroids! I have worried for a month now that this was going to be an issue...and, depending on where they were located, I might have to have surgery to remove them. Turns out the report said I have one fibroid at the top of my uterus on the outside - which is the SAME ONE I KNEW I HAD FOR AT LEAST THREE FREAKIN YEARS!! So, I have worried for a month over nothing. I am pissed.

Dr. W said that, knowing this is the same fibroid I knew I had all along and that it caused no complications with PG and labor/delivery with Chris, that it should not cause any problems now. So, that takes fibroids out of the mix of complications to worry about. Yeah!

My goals for this week now stand at:

  1. Scheduling a much-overdue annual exam with Dr. D
  2. Scheduling an infertility consult appointment with Dr. D to see how he is planning to get me knocked up next time around
  3. Scheduling the endocrinologist appointment (just in case I need it)
  4. Calling Dr. P (my counselor) to update him on things, at his request, before my 9/11 appointment
  5. Finish up and pawn off my projects at work in prep for vacation - YEAH!
  6. and PACK!

Overall, I have nothing but hope for TTC again...finally. I still have the hurdle of the thyroid scan, but cannot worry about that now until the test is done.

So, for now, I am going to concentrate of LIVING again....and enjoy my vacation, and my time with Chris and my family. I am going to keep walking and feeling physically better. I am going to thank God for what I have in my life and take what is to come with some grace and resolve. I am going to live my life again. And, it is such a good feeling.

I do ask everyone to say a special prayer for my friend S... She had her FET done yesterday, and the procedure went very well (better than any of the previous transfers she has had done - BIG day for good news all around, huh?). She has gone way to long with infertility and it is her time to be called Mommy. Please pray that she gets that BFP she and her DH have been waiting for... They deserve this and it is their turn to get off the rollercoaster of IF.

I also ask everyone to say a special prayer for my sister's manager at work... He died suddenly between Tuesday night and Wednesday morning and wasn't found until his wife came home from an out-of-state business trip yesterday morning. They are suspecting a massive stroke and no one was there to get him to the hospital. May he find some peace....and everyone he worked with find a way to remember him as the nice guy he was.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Song for the moment: Surrounded

Surrounded
by Dream Theater

Morning comes too early
and nighttime falls too late
And sometimes all I want to do is wait
The shadow I've been hiding in
has fled from me today

I know it's easier to walk away
than look it in the eye
But I will raise a shelter to the sky
and here beneath this star tonight I'll lie
She will slowly yield the light
As I awaken from the longest night

Dreams are shaking
Set sirens waking up tired eyes
With the light the memories
all rush into his head

By a candle stands a mirror
Of his heart and soul she dances
She was dancing thru the night above his bed

And walking to the window
he throws the shutters out against the wall
And from an ivory tower hears her call
"Let light surround you"

It's been a long, long time
He's had a while to think it over
In the end he only sees the change
Light to dark
Dark to light
Light to dark
Dark to light

Heaven must be more than this
When angels waken with a kiss
Sacred hearts won't take the pain
But mine will never be the same

He stands before the window
His shadow slowly fading from the wall
And from an ivory tower hears her call
"Let the light surround you"

Once lost but I was found
When I heard the stained glass
shatter all around me
I sent the spirits tumbling
down the hill
But I will hold this one on high
above me still
She whispers words to clear my mind
I once could see but now at last
I'm blind

I know it's easier to walk away
than look it in the eye
But I had given all that I could take
And now I've only habits left to break
Tonight I'll still be lying here
Surrounded in all the light

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Can't wait to shake this jittery feeling

Finally, my GP's office got it right - the thyroid scan and uptake is scheduled for 9/13 at 8 am. But, it just seems so far away to have any answers....and so long before I can get rid of (or really lessen, at least) the anxiety and jittery and shakiness I have been feeling for months now. I am so tired of waiting for things to happen...

I think I am ready for the MFM appointment tomorrow.... A little more than 24 hours from now, some of the questions I have been waiting so long to have answered will (hopefully) be answered. All I have to do is print out my charts from after Chris was born until now, so I have them on hand (in case they want them).

Vacation is just around the corner - I CAN'T WAIT!!!! If I can make it to Saturday without wanting to "hurt" my Director, it will be all good. :)

Not that I dislike my Director or anything - he has been so wonderful to me during all of the losses and struggles of the last year or so, I can't imagine working anywhere else. But, I just can't handle the workload right now - I panic when he throws things my way now, which has never been a problem in the past for me. I am afraid to open my e-mail in the morning to see the barrage of e-mails from him of things that have to get done (and here I sit on Blogger! Haha!). Guess I just need to try to slow down a bit now...not that I can right now. We have so many projects coming up, and not enough staff to handle it all. I hope the week or so off will refresh me a bit...

Will post an update tomorrow after the MFM appointment...

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Getting ready for D-Day - MFM Clinic Consult

....Only 7 more days until D-Day.... our MFM Clinic consult.

There are so many things to ask... So many concerns to bring to the table. I hope they are ready for us! Haha! Dr. D has the knowledge that I am a planner - and a researcher. He is always prepared for my questions and research when it is appointment time for me. Hope he warned Dr. W I am coming!

Dr. D's office confirmed this morning that the referral for the consult is already faxed over to the clinic, and they will be faxing all of the bloodwork over when they request it (which should be within the next few days). So, all I need to do is show up with my questions in hand. At least one doctor's office has it completely together!

So, here starts my list of questions to ask. Any comments or suggestions are welcome - Just post them to the Comments.

  • How will the treat the MTHFR mutation and resulting high homocysteine levels? How soon do I start treatment? How often do they follow-up pre-conception to make sure the levels are evening out and holding steady? Should we consider baby aspirin or Levonox or a combo of both?
  • What about the new fibroids found? If they are internal, or will affect getting and staying PG, should we consider removing them?
  • How will we manage hyperthryoid, if the tests turn out to indicate that it is in fact a problem?
  • What would they suggest about the next IF protocol? Try Clomid one more time, or change the protocol totally?
  • Why do they think I am spotting mid-cycle now (except on the BCPs)?
  • How often would I be seeing them in addition to Dr. D, once I get PG? Who do I call first for a beta - or a + HPT?
  • How do I manage the mega-nausea I had with Chris, when I do get PG? With the prospect of so many meds, I want to ensure I can take them and keep them down.
  • What are my real chances of miscarrying again?
  • What are my increased risks of harm to the baby with these medical conditions together? How much higher are the chances of birth defects, specifically, ones that would be a life-long struggle and pain.
  • Should we consider no longer TTC?

I wonder how long of an appointment I DO have!?!?! Haaahaaa! With all of these questions....I hope there is enough time to answer them. :)

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Restoring some much needed faith

Had my physical done today with Dr. McC - and a good chuckle with him since he decided it was time for a baseline EKG. When did I become old enough to warrent the need for an EKG at a physical??? Am I really getting that old? Haha!

So, here are my bloodwork results so far:

Homocysteine levels:

  • from May: 10.8
  • from August: 15.3
  • average range limits: 3.3-10.4

Thyroid levels (T4 specifically, since this is the level in question):

  • from July: 12.1
  • from August: 13.6
  • average range limits: 4.5-12.0

Vitamin B-12 and Folate levels fall well into the normal range.

Cholesterol levels (which has been a constant battle for me for years now):

  • Total: 227 (should be under 200)
  • LDL (bad cholesterol): 133 (should be under 130)
  • HDL (good cholesterol): 60 (which is higher than normal, and balances out the LDL)

So, now I have to schedule the thyroid scan to see what is happening with the gland itself. There is something going on - but which is the real cause (MTHFR or thyroid) is yet to be determined.

BUT, I have a path to follow now, which is great. The Librax is a "patch" until we know what the real culprit is, and thank goodness it is working! I have some moments of anxiety, heart racing, stomach upset, etc. But, I'll take it over the past few weeks when it was impossible to escape it. I can eat again, and I have gained 2 pounds back in a week.

Dr. McC did promise me, though, that he will be in contact with Dr. D to make sure he is completely up to speed on what is happening - and that Dr. D gets this information to the MFM clinic for next week's consult. We may not have the full picture yet, but he said there is no reason to delay the process and postpone that appointment. Yeah! He wants them to give an opinion on treatment options - and work with them to make sure the care is managed well. Finally, I have the docs on my side.

He said he personally sees no reason why I can't go on to a healthy pregnancy...and hearing that right now feels so good. I won't get my hopes up too high just yet - I need to hear what the clinic has to say about m/c and birth defect odds first. But, it is a little faith that I need right now.

...Now, if I can only get my boss to STOP dumping more work on me!

Monday, August 21, 2006

Balancing the emotions I feel

One of the ladies in my long-term FF BG's PM'ed me on Friday to ask how I was doing...and, you know, I am not sure anymore. It took me several days to truly figure out how I felt...and it wasn't easy to write the response back because I just can't say how I feel anymore.

I feel like I have a misbalance of emotions, like I am ping-ponging between being optomistic one moment to feeling like everything is going to cave in the next...

  • I feel so down in the dumps sometimes, I can't imagine how I am going to dig out of it.
  • I feel like I am reliving the "Who shot JR" saga on Dallas - the events of the past year seem like a dream and I am not connected to them at all.
  • I feel angry because of what has been robbed from me - from us as a family. I should have been a mommy of two children two times over by now, and I still have another EDD to get through in October. Things should have been so different right now, and I am angry and feel robbed.
  • I feel guilty for the toll the losses have taken on my relationship with Hubby. Thank goodness he is a very understanding and supportive man - he has been my rock too many times over.
  • I feel like the proud and happy mommy I should feel like whenever I get that "Hi" and big smile from Chris when I come home from work. Chris has been the best thing through all of this...and it saddens me that I have lost precious time with him over the past year.
  • And, interwined in all of these emotions, I feel like such a hypocrite for it taking me so long to get over these losses - I have my Chris, and I thank God every day for him. But, one of my friends has endured 3 IVF cycles, one unmedicated FET that resulted in a m/c and currently going through a medicated FET. She lost her only child a little past 5 weeks of pregnancy. She has been trying for over 4 years now. When I talk with her, I can't help but think I am feeling sorry for myself and should just get over it already. Why should I feel so angry and upset when I have my Chris to kiss goodnight?
How do I balance these feelings? I am just not sure.

I know that part of the balance will come once I have a full picture of what is going on with me medically, and it is finally corrected. My ups and downs have been so frequent over the past months, but I know now a lot of that has to do with very raging hormones (or, horrormones, in my opinion). I just haven't felt like me in a long time - happy-go-lucky, independent, content, happy. So, until I am through the testing completely for the thyroid issues and Dr. McC looks at everything together, I have to deal with the symptoms (racing heart, anxiety, shaky hands, dizziness, stomach issues, weight loss) without medical correction. I just haven't had more than a weeks time in the past 8 months where I haven't felt completely healthy - and it sucks. It grates on your very last nerve.

The rest of the balance will come once I know if TTC again will really be in our future. TTC is riding on my health right now - which has been waxing and waning like the tide - and I hate it. I can't TTC again if the chances are not good for a healthy child - I cannot play God with another person's life just to have another baby.

Even at my worst, I have not abused my body to the point of ill-health. Sure, I partied a bit in college, and at times have eaten without thought of the consequences on my health. But, I never truly abused my body - yet, here I am with so many things going wrong in a one year period. Why? I can't even blame familial genes for the MTHFR and potential thyroid issues - I am the only lucky winner there! Then, why?

And, on top of all the medical crap, we still haven't addressed what med protocol we will use in the next TTC cycle, if there is one. I just can't see continuing on Clomid alone or at all, given the poor responses I have had with it this year. Although, I suppose that can change with the 35 pounds I have lost over the past year (if I don't gain them back, of course). So, my doc and I have to really sit down and figure out what we are going to do - if we are going to take the chance again, I want to ensure the best possible ovulation I can get. I know no one can guarantee me that this will work, but I need the best shot I can get for it to work.

...Back when I was young, I had several goals for my life: to go to college and get an education (the first in my family), to find the right guy and be happily married for the long-haul (and I was grateful to meet him early on in high school!), to be financially stable (not rich, but comfortable knowing the bills were paid), and to be a the best mommy to 2-3 children I could be. Up to this point, I have attained everything I wanted, except for the last, and most important, goal. I know I am a good mommy to Chris, but I never wanted him to be an only - and now I am really staring down that decision that he may in fact be an only. Not that being an only is bad - it didn't screw up DH. But, I WANTED 2-3 children, and I am just heartbroken that I might never have that.

...Maybe I am just being selfish...

There are so many things stacked against us now, and I just don't know if I can take the chance again. One medical complication alone wouldn't be so bad (okay, it can be) - but, with the MTHFR mutation, possible thyroid issues and the additional fibroids together, I feel like I am just setting myself, and my family, up for more losses and more heartache. I just don't know what to do. I can't put myself and my family through another loss (or losses) just to fulfill my goals and dreams. But, I so want another child. Is that too much to ask for?

It has been hard to be in such a different place in my life than most of the ladies on my BG's on the various sites, and I haven't wanted to bring everyone down. There is so much joy to share in our children, and the children yet to be...after a while, I feel like I am going on and on and depressing everyone.

I miss the simple times...the naive times. Then again, maybe that is the point of my journey... Maybe I need to find my way, through whatever it takes.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Mutiny on the Body

I am starting to think my body has decided to scale a full-fledged assault on me now...why? I would LOVE to know!

Dr. McC called me at 9 pm tonight - b/w is back from Tuesday already! Wow! Talk about getting answers fast!

Good news: My Folic Acid and B-12 levels are normal. Yeah! But, he is going to re-run the homocysteine levels that Dr. D ran in May to see how different they are now. Should be back by Monday.

Bad news: My one thyroid level went up from the original b/w in July. CRAP!!! So, he is arranging for a thyroid scan now and an appointment with an endocrinologist so we can see exactly what is happening. He said this could explain the anxiety, the weight loss (bummer), the lack of concentration, the stomach issues.

Luckily for me right now, the Librax I started on Tuesday seems to be working - I am upset, but I am not off my rocker over it. It had definitely eased the anxiety a bit, and has calmed the tummy so I can eat now.

I am just so frustrated now... Ever since we started TTC again in 7/05, it has been down-hill from the second we started. I am beyond pissed off that my body just doesn't want to cooperate for the one thing I have wanted in my life: another child.

But, I am trying like hell not to really freak out - I can't, until I have the full picture in front of me...

....How long until 2006 is over?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Finally getting the answers I need!

After a loooong lull in the posting here on my blog, I am finally getting the answers I need to why I have felt sooo crappy for so long! Here's the skinny on my medical crap for the moment:

Met with my counselor on Monday - when I explained what has been happening with the ongoing stomach issues and how they seemed to revolve around weekends and meeting up with friends, he said that they do not sound like true panick attacks, since they are predictable. However, there is definitely an anxiety response going on that needs to be addressed to the events I am avoiding.

He has some theories on it...

  1. If you subscribe to the Freudian school of thought, he said I could be unconsiously making myself feel how I would feel right now if I were still pregnant. Since some of the symptoms mimic how I felt with my PG with Chris (pressure in upper stomach, which felt like Chris' feet constantly in my rib cage; nausea, which I had constantly for the first 4-5 months of PG with Chris, and on-and-off throught the rest of it), I could, in my mind, be making myself still feel PG. Now, my counselor does not believe in the Freudian school of thought, so he said just take it as a theory and take it for what its worth. But, I suppose there could be some truth to it, since your mind naturally goes on to think where you would be in the PG as the EDD approaches.
  2. What he DOESthink I could be doing is unconsiously allowing myself to avoid situations where talking about the losses would naturally come up - and, I think he got some validation to his theory when he asked how I have been about the losses recently: I just started to cry all over again, which I haven't done in weeks. It seems the people we have to cancel out on because I don't feel good ARE the people that have been the most helpful through the losses and are the most likely to bring the subject up. Now, we just need to figure out the WHY of the avoidance behaviours behind it.
My counselor does think I could benefit from an anti-anxiety med, so after I saw Dr. McC (my GP), he wanted me to call him and let him know whats going on. But, he said since my thyroid panel had come back elevated (more on that below, since elevated seems to be relative to each doc!), he said I should make sure that we know what is going on with that before jumping into anti-anxiety meds since hyperthyroid can cause anxiety. Makes sense to me!

I saw Dr. McC yesterday and, after listening to what has been happening over the past 7 months or so and reviewing all of the tests Dr. R (the upper
-GI doc in the office that Dr. McC had me see when this all started) ran, gave me something called Librax, which is a smooth muscle relaxer for the stomach, to take about 30 minutes before I eat dinner - he is hoping that it will control the "spasms" my stomach is doing, which accounts for the pressure that I have been feeling in the area and the inability to eat, especially at dinner time. Librax has a secondary anti-anxiety effect, so he is holding off on giving me any kind of anxiety med (which he thinks I do need for a while). We will see how this works through this week and when I go in for my physical on 8/22, we will see if he needs to switch it.

Dr. McC was rather annoyed that Dr. R niether addressed the stomach pressure issue with me (since this has been going on since April/May), nor clarified the bloodwork he ran that turned up the "elevated thyroid" panel. He said my one panel was .10 over the normal mark and the other was completely normal, so he is re-running it just to make sure it is okay, which it probably is.

He is also running b/w for folic acid and B-12 levels - apparently, there is a disorder called Pernicious Anemia which is a form of anemia due to very low levels of B-12, which can cause the stomach issues I have been having - and goes hand-in-hand with the MTHFR mutation Dr. D found back in May. Finally, someone is listening! If it turns out my B-12 levels are really low, he will have to order B-12 injections once a month until my levels get to normal. He does, however, want to see what the MFM clinic says on 8/30 about suppliments for Folic acid/B vitamins before he would start the injections so I am not going over what I need.

The medication really did work last night - I was able to eat without feeling sick afterwards, and I was able to sleep all night. So, I am hoping this will work. Only downside to it is I absolutely have to be off it when TTC because it is very harmful to a fetus - but, by the time we get there, I am hoping this will be all over anyway.

....And, I also am down to 148 lbs! Yikes! I was trying to lose weight (I wanted to get down to 155 lbs, which was my wieght when we got married), but not this way! I keep getting comments now that I look "grey" or "too thin." Thanks for boosting my confidence, people! Good thing is, I will probably gain some of it back as soon as I start eating again!

So, I am hoping this is the start of me feeling BETTER! I am so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And, I want my LIFE BACK!

I am so grateful to Hubby for being so understanding and helpful - and pushing the docs to try to find out exactly what is going on with me. So many things have been on hold for us, and he has been so patient. I am forever grateful for that - I am sure most men would have thrown in the towel by now!

And, I am so grateful to my friends, both IRL and who haunt my blog. All of you have been so good to me, lending a listening ear - I could not have made it through this without all of you!

Monday, August 07, 2006

Facing some issues head-on, before they get worse

In talking to my mom yesterday, after a few days of utter chaos with my stomach (Thursday into Saturday, I am 99% sure, was yet another stomach virus that I caught from sweet Chris - thanks, sweetie!), I am coming to the realization that, yes, I do believe I have the lovely Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS - for when the doc finds nothing else wrong with your GI tract!) that my mother, sister and aunt share, along with the very lessening symptoms of GERD. So, I suppose this is something life-long now, and who knows when things will flair up or not. Yuck!

But, on top of that, the big IBS attacks seem to be getting very situational - before baby showers (like yesterday morning...see the elaboration below), baptisms, birthday parties, gatherings of larger groups of friends, simple stops to the store, huge projects at work... So, my mom (and my dear Hubby) both asked me if maybe these "attacks" are actually turning into real panick attacks. My mom has them, so it would not be a surprise if I, too, would start getting them.

Here are some of those symptoms I found on-line (thanks, Dr. Google!):

Irrational fear or dread - Check! Who on Earth fears going to the check-out at CVS?
Muscle tension and headache - BIG Check!
Chest pain - Wouldn't call it pain, but pressure, yes.
Elevated heart rate/palpitations - Normally, no. But, starting the morning of an event, Check!
Insomnia - BIG Check!
Diarrhea/GI distress/IBS - BIG Check!
Nausea - Check!
A feeling of fullness or chest pressure/shortness of breath - Check!
Jumpiness/Irritability/Shakiness - Check!
Sudden changes in body temperature/Hot flashes - Check!
Tearfulness - Check!
Depression - Probably...

An example of this is the baby shower I went to yesterday for a friend of mine from my old job. Originally, I was going to stay with her and her sister while the shower was going on - she is in bed-rest with twins because she has an incompitent cervix. But, he doc gave her clearance to attend under MANY restrictions (like, staying a wheelchair all day) and that changed the plans on Saturday.

So, I was up all night on Saturday night with what I throught was a bad upset stomach (yet again). But, during that time, I kept ruminating on what the baby shower the next day was going to be like: Who was I sitting with; how was I going to handle being around my PG friend who is due 2 weeks after when I should have been due with the last miscarriage; what was traffic going to be like (heading to the Jersey Shore early on Sunday is not always the wisest thing!); was I going to lose it during the shower as everyone oggled over her and the gifts; was Chris going to nap while he was with Hubby; was Hubby going to do the things I needed him to do for me to get ready for work the next day; how long was it going to take me to get home; what were we doing for dinner (not that I was hungary anyway)....etc., etc., etc. You get the picture.

These thoughts are SO STUPID! So TRIVIAL! Yet, I can't shut them off!

When I got up Sunday morning, my stomach was still a mess.... So, my thoughts turned into Do I go, do I not go?, over and over again. I needed to decide by 11 am so I could let the hostest know... But, I finally bucked up and left at 12 noon for the 1 pm shower - and, of course, I was fine (except for the THREE pregnant reminders of the baby I was not having in late October/early November - but, that is for another post). And, although my stomach was not perfect, I was calmer and able to eat and socialize.

So, what does this all mean now? Another phone call to the doc, of course (Hubby was doing that one, since he has the magic touch getting a hold of our GP!). Long-term, if this is really what this is all going to boil down to, I don't know.

Do I need meds - probably. Although, I really didn't want to start anything now since we wanted to start TTC again in January. But, as I really see these behaviors in myself, along with those who are closest to me seeing them (and telling me about it), then it is probably wise to start thinking of taking something now before this gets any worse. I have to put my family (and myself) first before trying attempt to have an addition to the family.

I can't believe my journey of loss has brought me here... Makes sense, I suppose. But, where did I really lose it? Or, it is just genetics taking advantage of the situation? Who knows... And, yet again, the control freak does not have answers...just more questions.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Uh, gee. Thanks for the reminder of what I am missing, BabyWeekly

After I found out I was going to miscarry my June angel on 11/7/05 after the second u/s showed an empty sac, I went through and deleted - or at least I THOUGHT I deleted - my e-mail address from all of those lovely e-mail lists on pregnancy and what you should be expecting week by week. I did this so fast, along with deleting everything pertaining to the pregnancy in my siggies on Fertility Friend, Connected Moms and Fertility Family, because I couldn't stand looking at the reminders of what wasn't going to be.

But, low and behold! Look what pops into my e-mail - not my spam file, but my e-mail this afternoon:



BabyWeekly Tips – Week 6
Managing Cradle Cap

If your baby develops a yellow, hard crust on his or her scalp, don't worry - this is called cradle cap and it's very common. If your baby develops a yellow, hard crust on his or her scalp, don't worry - this is called cradle cap and it's very common. To soften the flakey skin, try rubbing a small amount of vegetable oil (such as olive oil) on your baby's scalp, leave it on for about 15 minutes, and then use a fine-tooth comb or soft brush to gently brush the flakes off. However, be careful not to brush too harshly; your baby's scalp is delicate and can get sore and red if brushed in the same spot too long or too hard. Make sure you wash your baby's scalp after applying the oil; leaving the oil on can cause the flakes to stick even more. To help dissolve all the oil, leave the shampoo on for a few minutes before rinsing off.


Uh, gee. Thanks for reminding me how old my angel baby would have been today.

This is one of the hardest parts of having had the three miscarriages - the small, "incidental" reminders of what was not to be that sneak in. Just when you think you are beginning to accept and move on, something like this comes along to slap you in the face and sets your whole mindset back a few steps. Dammit.

At least I listened tod my guarded heart in February when I found out I was pregnant again - I never signed up for any of these e-mails. So, at least I won't get slapped again later in the year when I pass through my not-to-be EDD on 10/30.