Update on Chris' evaluations

Well, Chris' child study team evaluations are finally done - one more step to go (the child study team observing Chris in his nursery school setting this coming Wednesday) before the IEP is finally formed and we begin to review it.

Finally, some progress!

Chris has the child study team evaluation done of Tuesday. In sum, they requested that he have a occupational and P/T done (which happened yesterday) because 1) we had some concerns about some things he does (like how he walks up stairs) and 2) they were afraid that with their findings alone, he might not qualify for services.

Not what we were expecting after weeks of delays and frustrations.

We were told that he is very advanced IQ wise (he was identifying several words on a page and saying what they were; counting above 22; identifying all shapes, colors, etc.). The psychologist said she needed to add the numbers up because he was just getting things correct left and right (and answering quickly). But, he was showing deficits in language that we have been seeing at home (not in vocabulary, but in receptive-expressive language, although there is major improvement from the neurologist and speech evals in August). Of course, he did minimal hand-flapping for them (figures!) - but, was covering his ears at several points. The ear covering is very new (in the past 2-3 weeks) - and we are not sure if that is a noise sensitivity or a "I don't want to listen" sensitivity. They gave us flash cards to use with Chris that shows how actions work (like putting a hot dog on a stick, heating the hot dog over a fire, then eating it) to help him, since that seems to be the primary speech deficit area.

The occupational and P/T eval done yesterday also showed very borderline for needing services - basically, he cannot cut with scissors, string beads, button buttons, open a Tylenol-like bottle...but, I never thought a three year old should be doing that stuff anyway! I don't recall learning how to use scissors until I was in kindergarten. And, quite frankly, I am not sure I want him knowing how to open bottles like that yet! It was really up to us on whether an occupational and P/T recommendation got in to the report - and, I told them to add it. He is a total of 6 months behind for his age - which is something he could easily catch up on with just increasing our home time of them. But, I would rather see things addressed now, instead of using a "wait and see" attitude. I was given recommendations to help - mainly, bring him to as many parks as possible to play and to use some simple which I copied for the grandmas'.

Oh, and we did find out how much Chris LOVES trampolines!

We're in trouble with that one!

He does need some help - but, it does not appear to be that much...at least, that is what the child study team is letting on.

We took him to a new speech therapist on Tuesday - she is much closer and also specializes in autism-spectrum disorders (she works at a specialized school that ranges from K-12). She knows what he needs (how to categorize actions and how to help him play with others in a more "natural" fashion - right now, he seems to have "rehearsed" ways of communicating). He really liked her - and so do I! She actually answered on question we could not find an answer on: What do we do with Chris' hand flapping? She suggested that not to stop it completely, but try to get him to modify it to something more socially appropriate (which he is doing already - flapping with his hands at his sides, more out of view) - and, once he gets that idea of adaption, then we can begin to get rid of it completely through speech. Since he has already made one modification naturally on his own, he is getting the idea - and using his speech more.

So, this should be a good fit for him.

Now, the child study team wants to observe him in his nursery school setting to see how he responds in class and with the other kids, especially because his teacher there has noted a marked improvement over last spring. So, that will take place this Wednesday.

After that, we hope to have the recommendations and an idea of placement and IEP.

I am just hoping that part of the process goes a little smoother than the first. If not, we have a friend who is an attorney who specializes in education - who knows the background of all of the delays and is willing to help us out.

And, why were we pushing for an eval for Christopher??

Sunday morning:

Chris: "Take the drink out of your ear." (If you watch the Wonder Pets, you will get the reference)

FIL: "Take the drink out of your ear."

Chris: "Uh, what'd you say?"

Today:

Mom: "Chris, I made your noodles for lunch. After that, we will have dessert."

Chris: "Oh. the suspense is killing me!"

....And, why exactly have we been pushing for the Child Study Team evaluations, finally set for tomorrow morning??? They are going to think WE have a screw loose!

Wish us luck tomorrow... Tomorrow morning's eval will determine the program he will be in.

I will be back to finish the vacation posts...and a great post about our Day Out with Thomas trip over the weekend...

My, my, my....how 20 years flies!

Well... I met my hubby 20 years ago today...

My, my, my.... How 20 years flies!

I can't believe we have known each other for that long...and I owe it all to my friend, C (yes, I know I still owe you a phone call...and a package! It will be out this week).

In keeping with Mel's (Stirrup Queens) Happiness Challenge: Here is how we met (documenting something that led to Chris):

C and I met on the school bus, I believe, the third day of school (she believed I was a senior, and I believed she was a senior - too funny we thought the same thing!) and she talked me in to going to the Freshman Welcome Dance. I was not planning on going - I willingly decided to attend an all-girls Catholic high school because I hated boys at that time (when guys don't know what developing boobs are supposed to be when you are 12 years old, you get made fun of - A LOT!), and guys were not on my priority list. But, she asked me to go - and I decided, what the hey! I might as well have some fun.

We met at the high school that Friday night (I am very sure it was a Friday night - who remembers 20 years ago anyway???) and C brought a friend who did not attend the school. We danced and talked for a while, the school gym smelling of Aqua Net holding up all of the hair, the school gym blaring the liked of Janet Jackson, Madonna, Human League, Bananarama, The Bangles, and so on, and the guys we thought were cute or hot scoping out the pickin's of an all-girls Catholic high school...

And, I was in the outfit I bought for the dance: A white miniskirt and white matching shirt (quarter-length sleeves, sweat-suit material, since it was WAY IN for 1987) - the white shirt had a silver/black leopard print on it (and shoulder pads too!). I got the outfit from Mandee's - the "hip local for clothes here in NJ in the '80's. Did I mention the green eye shadow too boot (very Human League-esqe)? Of course, I had my jelly bracelets and as big hair as I could get for someone who has thin blond hair!

C noticed this guy (J) towards the middle of the night - she HAAAAAAAD to meet him and dance with him! We watched him for a little bit... C just couldn't go up to him herself - we, being so mature at the time, needed our "representative" to do the job - so, she asked if I would go up to him and ask him to dance at the next slow dance...

...Almost all meetings had to be done during a slow dance...

So, since this WASN'T for me, I agreed and went up to him and asked him. I explained my mission, showed him who she was - he, being rather happy at being scoped out, fluffed himself up and agreed --- if, that is, I and our other companion would dance with his two friend.

...And, then I thought, of brother! What did I get myself in to!

But, I agreed and I went back with the message that yes, he would dance with her at the next slow dance.

We waited...

And then Survivor's "The Search is Over" began...

Then the armada of J and his two friends arrived.

C and J went off to dance - and that left me, C's friend who I didn't really know, Hubby and J2 standing there like a bunch of dorks. Finally, after a few awkward moments, Hubby grabbed my hand and asked if I want to dance. I said sure - he was much cuter than J2 (and more talented in the dancing department as well) - and we went off.

From there, Hubby bought me a soda, showed me pics of his cousins (then 6 and 4 - NOW 26 and 24... YIKES!), talked. The talk was rather easy - especially for one who was rather turned off by guys at the time. We danced and talked some more.

....Then, I made the BIG confession...

...Told him what I didn't want him to see...

Horrors! I wore glasses!

Of course, he could care less - especially because I could actually SEE him with my glasses on. Actually, looking back at that, I am surprised I didn't scare him off with that move. But, we danced and talked some more.

At the end of the night, Hubby gave me his phone number - and, me being the traditionalist I can be, told him that I would prefer he call me (DORK!) and gave him my phone number. I said goodnight to C, Hubby walked me to my parents' car, introduced himself to my parents, patted me on my shoulder (double DORK!) and said he would call me.

...And, the rest is history.

So, in honor of him (and the nice flowers he sent to me today - pics are coming) - here is a special song we dedicated to each other at our wedding almost 9 years ago... It sums up our relationship - and how we are truly happy to be stuck with each other.

Stuck with You

Huey Lewis and the News

We've had some fun, and yes weve had our ups and downs
Been down that rocky road, but here we are, still around
We thought about someone else, but neither one took the bait
We thought about breaking up, but now we know its much too late
We are bound by all the rest
Like the same phone number
All the same friends
And the same address

Yes, its true, (yes its true) I am happy to be stuck with you
Yes, its true, (yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
cause I can see, (I can see) that youre happy to be stuck with me

We've had our doubts, we never took them seriously
And weve had our ins and outs, but thats the way its supposed to be
We thought about giving up, but we could never stay away
Thought about breaking up, but now we know its much too late
And its no great mystery
If we change our minds
Eventually, its back to you and me

Yes, its true, (yes its true) I am happy to be stuck with you
Yes, its true, (yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
cause I can see, (I can see) that youre happy to be stuck with me

We are bound by all the rest
Like the same phone number
All the same friends
And the same address

Yes, its true, (yes its true) I am happy to be stuck with you
Yes, its true, (yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
cause I can see, (I can see) that youre happy to be stuck with me
(yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
Im happy to be stuck with you
Happy to be stuck with you.

Have had it up to here with incompetance!

You know, we have been working so, so hard to get the things Chris needs for his PDD-NOS diagnosis, I feel like we are just banging our heads against the wall - and no one is listening.

I have just about had it.

When we returned from vacation, Hubby called the CST on 9/10 to find out what the hell was going on - from the post Our progress with getting Chris into the correct program, we all know our town is in violation of state law for getting this process done. We thought we were making progress - we had our initial meeting with the CST on 9/13. We went over our concerns, what eval tools would be used, what kind of program we were looking for, inclusion for Chris with peers, etc., etc. It seemed we were all on the same page - and we were told that Chris would be the first child evaluated, and it would be either 9/18 or 9/25.

Then, we heard nothing about 9/18...

And, our town is not closed for Rosh Hashanah...

So, Hubby called again yesterday - and the eval date then turned into either or about 9/25, 10/2 or a little later in the month of October.

Uh, excuse me???

So, I told him to call them back and ask why??? I told him that 1) NO WAY is this eval going past 9/25 - why are we waiting after their fuck-up; 2) I want to know WHY the date got pushed back and 3) make it clear to them that if something doesn't happen soon and if Chris has to wait until January to be placed, there will be legal action.

Their response?

Well, they are in the middle of moving their offices (which, I would have LOVED to have seen any signs of that since I saw no boxes packed or things down from cubicles when we were there last week) and some budget issues with the state.

Know what???

NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM!!!

So, I am waiting for a call back from the Interim Director of the CSTs in our town - if I get no response this afternoon, I am going above her head, and so on.

This is just ridiculous - and Chris is the one waiting for services. I can't believe what a mess this is turning into.

Chris started private speech therapy last week - and, although he is doing well in it, I am rather concerned about the place and the therapist. Apparently, they have a neurologist in the practice now - and her group is making LOTS of noise, right through his therapy session. My MIL called me earlier to say how unpleased she was about it because the therapist said he was distracted by the noise.

Uh, wouldn't you be too? Without PDD-NOS???

So, my MIL is going to sit in on the session Thursday - and, if it just as bad, I will be calling the therapist while looking for a new place.

The good thing is - Chris' hearing is 100% fine. We had the test done on Thursday, which he was not really pleased with. What a test THAT was!

Is it really, really that hard to do a freakin eval??? Really?

Hubby is calling a friend of his - who we forgot was an education attorney. We're going to see what he says to do now...

UPDATE: The CST finally called and we are a go for Chris' eval on 9/25 - finally!

Vacation Chapter 1. Psychic Watch 2007: A "surprise" in store for 2008

Back in September 2006, I posted my first vacation chapter about the visit to the Boardwalk psychic. Well, since we were at the shore - and, at what other time am I going to waste $10 to do this - I had to go back to the boardwalk psychic.

To recap my 2006 reading, psychic #1 (Diana - I am distinguishing here because, well, I wasted another $10 later down the boardwalk to talk to psychic #2, Christine. Sorry, I wanted two opinions here!) mentioned several family things outside of children: long marriage, issues I needed to help my mom with, etc. She then went on to ask me "You have had several pregnancies, right?" I responded yes. She asked, "Several were not successful?" I responded yes. She asked, "How many living children do you have?" I responded 1, out of 4 pregnancies. She then said, "You are meant to have 3 living children. Don't give up, as you have the best care you can get."

At that point, she never mentioned a time frame - just that I would have three living children. Obviously that has not happened...

...at least not yet.

Hubby and I went out to dinner on Friday night, September 7th while my IL's took Chris to an ice cream parlor where they do a musical show as you eat. So, we had a lovely seafood dinner at one of the popular spots in the area and then headed to the boardwalk to walk around like we used to prior to having Chris. Of course, Hubby knew I wanted to get another reading done - as did he. So, Diana was the first stop.

I went in first. The reading started as it did the last time - she took my hands and begins to examine them, front, back, front, back... The first words out of her mouth is that I have a nice, long life-line - and a long life ahead of me. I would also be married a very long time, happily, to the same man.

So, that's good for stability for me - and consistency for her.

She then went on to say that my husband, however, had some "troubles." He has - but nothing too terrible. So, I mentioned that he just started a new job and is trying to sort some things out financially for us. She said, okay, but that was not what she meant. She said that we had some tension between us - not anything wrong with our marriage, but stress from the events of the past couple of years that has been taking a toll on us. She said we are moving past that now, and that happiness is coming.

The big thing is she sees another child or children in our future (she vacillated between 1-2 more children for us) - very future. She said that I needed to stop trying - needed to stop asking for doctor's intervention, or asking for any intervention at all. She said I will be calling her around November to say she was right - I will be pregnant after a happy 'oops' event. She felt so strongly, she gave me her card and told me to call her when it happens...

...Now, of course, this could be the carrot to get me to spend more $$$ at her winter digs NW of where we live. But, I suppose, if it happens, I will give her the call she said I would be making.

Hubby decided to go in after me - about 10 minutes later. She said very similar things to him - and more - in his session (he paid a little more $$$ for more than a standard palm reading). So, at least she agrees among our readings.

Then again, she could have figured out we were together. She was sitting outside watching for people walk by...and could have seen us walking together.

Anywho, after the reading, we compared notes while we walked down the boardwalk, trying to decide what we wanted to do next. We headed in to Luck Leo's to "gamble" for points. After a little while, we got board and walked the boardwalk again...

...And then came to the next psychic's storefront (uh, there are three on this particular boardwalk). I told Hubby I wanted to do another reading - this time with the Christine (I am fond of the name - could you guess?).

So, I went in and she was standing in the doorway of the storefront, as if she were just waiting for me to come in. It was weird - unlike Diana, who was just sitting there waiting for a patron. It felt like she just knew I was coming in.

Her reading started like Diana's - she took my hands and begins to examine them, front, back, front, back... I guess this is part is the same with all psychics.

First, she asked how long I was with my partner. So, I asked her did she want years of marriage or years together. She said she wanted years together. So, I mentioned we would know each other twenty years this month. She, too, said I have a nice, long life-line - and a long life ahead of me. And, she said based on how long we have been together, Hubby and I would also be married a very long time, happily. I was kinda "stuck" with him. She laughed at that.

She, too, mentioned the tensions between us - again, not anything wrong with our marriage, but stress from the past couple of years that has been taking a toll. However, she sent on to specify that I needed to start keeping things to myself - that, in sharing how I felt to "all of the world," that I was being talked about and in a round-about way, sabotaged. She then went on to specifically mention that I needed to stop sharing so much of myself with my IL's - really, my MIL. Not that she is a bad person or using the information in the wrong way, but she does talk to other family and to my husband - and that she butts her 2 cents in too much. She felt that if I filtered what I told her and kept some things more private, life would be a little less stressful for me.

Now, I know she does talk - based on how she talks about everyone else. Again, it is not really in a malicious way, but just to put her 2 cents in. So, I know Christine is right on that.

She also mentioned that things regarding an immediate family issue would be resolved in about 2 weeks of the reading she was doing. When she said that, I immediately thought of the evals we are trying to get done for Chris and getting him placed in the right program.

** The ironic thing from this is that 1) Chris had a great first speech therapy session yesterday - the therapist told my MIL she wanted to know where the child in the eval went because he was so greatly improved in a month without therapy and 2) We have made a lot of progress this week with the child study team in town (we meet with them tomorrow) and other private services we have inquired about in two days of being home from vacation. We seem to have a good handle on what is going on for Chris and hope we will know what he will be going into over the next two weeks.

She said I had a rough summer at work - and that I handled myself gracefully and everyone knows the truth of what happened. But, I need to learn to stand up for myself and stop being everyone's go-to person - i.e., I have to stop allowing myself to be used. I need to get my confidence back in my work and learn to say "no" to things.

Also, she mentioned that financially, we have been working to really get things stabilized for a better future. She said that would happen around February 2008 - and that there would most likely be property transaction in the mix.

She said an unexpected trip in November is going to be taken. No mention of where or how far. But, I'm up for almost anything to get out of work!

And, she said that 2008 and 2009 are going to be very happy years - the sorrows of 2005-2007 are all in the past now, where they need to be, and things are lining up nicely for a happy family and financial future.

Last, but certainly not least, she mentioned the issue of children.

She said that she saw four pregnancies - and asked how many children I actually had. I told her I had one child - and three miscarriages after him. She told me that she sees me very, VERY pregnant come this spring. She specifically sees one boy (Chris) and one girl (the child I would be pregnant with in the spring) - I was meant to have two children: no more, no less. She was so matter of fact about it, I felt like she was reading it in a history textbook.

She, too, said that I needed to stop trying to conceive - I needed to stop asking for doctor's intervention, stop trying to monitor my cycles, stop adding stress on myself to make the timing perfect and allow this to happen when it should. I wouldn't need any help - I will be pregnant all on my very own.

I need to stop trying - and start living and let this happen.

That is one of my biggest wishes in this world - to get PG all on my very own. To prove that my body is capable of doing what it should.

When the reading ended, I gave her my $10 and she wished me the best of luck. She hoped that

I walked out to meet Hubby. He asked me if I thought she was right on her reading - but he didn't even give me a chance to tell him what she said. I told him, yes, I did think she could be right. She, after all, agreed with and elaborated on things Diana mentioned earlier in the night.

So, he decided he would go in too (of course, not just for a palm reading but an aura reading - SUCKER!!!). About twenty minutes later, he came out absolutely astonished. He never spoke except to say what reading he wanted and to pay her - she told him all about me (details about my m/c's I just never shared with her - I only told her I had three total) and how my sorrow had ruled me for so long. She told him about how well our futures looked - both family wise and career-wise. She told him how the things he has been working toward will finally pay off - as long as he doesn't lose confidence in himself.

She basically agreed with three other readings in the same night - and then some.

Of course, again, she could have figured out we were together. But, I am very, very sure she didn't see us together - and there were a few people waiting to see her that night, which made it hard to tell who was with who.

Do I believe what two psychics are agreeing on? That I might get PG on my own, without trying? That, if I stop planning - which is how I spent my entire TTC life, including when TTC Chris - the right time, around events in my life, that this might happen finally?

I don't know. I don't think I can live my life fully based on $20 worth of storefront psychic readings.

But, they are right that I need to start living and stop planning - which is really soooo my nature.

So, maybe - just maybe - they could be on to something.

For now, I am going to take these "insights" - that two independent women agree on - and use some of it for positives in my life. I am going to live for a while, focusing on Chris and the things I am interested in; I am going to stop charting completely (I threw out my left over OPK's this morning) and only chart periods; I will re-evaluate the whole TTC thing in the new year, once we know Chris is progressing well; I will stop focusing on the fact that I will be 35 in January and that it is not the TTC time-bomb I keep making myself believe it is.

Maybe - just maybe - living my life happily will bring what I am supposed to have into my life...

...Our lives.

Happiness Challenge 1: Chris' birth story

Here is my first post, in honor of Mel's (Stirrup Queens) Happiness Challenge: Chris' birth story.

I wanted to post some of the special memories I have from when Chris was a infant/baby so that, should we never have another child, I can always have somewhere to go to remember such a special - and truly happy and joyful - time.

Unlike my past pregnancies, my pregnancy with Chris was completely and utterly uneventful. I had a few momentary times where I had some brown spotting - usually associated with too much activity or growth of my belly. But, everything was fine - and Chris was very active, which was always a comfort.

My only "complication" at the time was the fibroid I have at the top of my uterus: As my very healthy pregnancy progressed, my fibroid grew larger. Dr. D always reminded me at check-ups that I was at risk for pre-term labor and/or for a c-section, since fibroids can sometimes impede labor (i.e., uneven contractions that would not produce enough force to push the baby out). So, Dr. D finally decided I needed to leave work early: the hospital was over an hour from my job and he didn't want me that far away if I went into labor early. So, my last day of work was April 2, 2007. However, pulling me out of work early ended up being a huge joke because I ended up being a week late! I had a check-up with Dr. D around April 26th - at that appointment, my blood pressure was a little high. Not alarmingly high, but higher than what was recorded the entire pregnancy. So, he decided that, if I did not go into labor by my due date of April 29th, that I would be induced the following Tuesday (his surgery day) - unless, of course, I went into labor before then.

Of course, I didn't.

Night after night, Hubby and I would sit in the living room, or on my bed, talking to Chris - asking him to finally make his appearance on his own. But, he would just wiggle and move in response - kind of like his first F-U to his parents.

I had no contractions in my pregnancy - not even Braxton-Hicks contractions. And, prior to induction, at most I was a 1/2 cm dilated. So, when I say nothing was happening to start labor - nothing was happening.

Chris, or as we called him Elvis at the time, didn't want to leave the building.

On Monday, May 3rd, we calmly left our house with bags in tow and relatively little family fanfare, and I was admitted to the hospital at 8:00 pm to start the induction. The goal was to get me from one-quarter cm dilated to four cm. A fetal monitor was strapped to my stomach, the IV was started and I had a balloon catheter inserted laced with Cervidil at 9:00 pm. Then, the wait began until the 4:30 am check to see how far along I was.

Since I was not in active labor yet, I was not in Labor & Delivery - I was in a shared room in the maternity ward with another patient of Dr. D's, also being induced because of Preeclampsia. My husband was not allowed to stay with me overnight - I was not told that until after the dilation process began. I was very upset, as was he, since no one told us. I really could have used him too. So, he stayed in the family lounge in case I needed him - and he made sure the nurses knew where he was so he could be found. When he left, he gave me our favorite Beanie puppies for support while he couldn’t be there.

Those were the longest seven and a half hours of my life! I was not able to have an epidural, as that "would slow down the progress" – I was only given two Tylenol. Taking Tylenol - which I requested around 1 am - was completely futile. The very beginning of the process wasn't too bad - some cramping and some bleeding for about the first hour or so. I could have slept through that, but I chose not too since Hubby was still there. However, after Hubby left, the pain started to get bad - the only way to describe it was that I was having very strong, half hour contractions with about a 1-minute rest in between. I was holding on the bed rails all night long, trying to do my breathing I learned in my birth class!

I say trying, of course, because I had in the room with me the Hyperventilating Queen of 2004! The girl in the room with me - who barely said hello when we came in - could not handle the process at all. At the start of every contraction, she began to cry, yell for the nurses, and hyperventilate. The nurses were constantly coming in during the night to try to calm her down, get her to breath, etc., etc. She was sooooo, soooo distracting to me - every time I tried to start breathing, she would start her flailing, getting me distracted and uncomfortable.

I felt bad for her - to a point. I was going through the same thing too, after all.

By 2 am, I was wide awake, feeling like I had to use the bathroom every twenty minutes or so - which meant disconnecting me from the fetal monitor, rolling in my IV pole with me and nothing happening except for the bleeding I was seeing. I would roll myself back, hook myself back up and try to get comfortable... Then the hyperventilating from the other side of the curtain would start again, I would get uncomfortable and need to move.

I did get chastised by the nurses for constantly disconnecting the monitor to use the bathroom - but, how could I not move with the pain and the drama on the other side of the room?

I also got chastised for laying on my right side - every time I laid on my right side, there would be a dip in the monitor. So, the bulk of the night was spent on my left side - which, whomever said that that laying on your left side during pregnancy is more comfortable is full of shit!

As the 4:30 am dilation check approached, I felt like I was about to puke because I was so worn down without sleep and the pain of the contractions were just getting to be too much.

In retrospect, I probably could have slept a bit during the night if 1) Hubby had been there and 2) I was not in a shared room with the Hyperventilating Queen. But, alas, that was not meant to be.

BTW, I did find out from Dr. D at my 6 week post-delivery check-up that the girl in the room with me ended up having a c-section. She never made it past 2 cm's - and, she got so bad, she wouldn't let anyone touch her and she wanted them to stop labor. Um, not likely, honey. Her husband finally convinced her to let them do the emergency c-section - which happened right before Chris was born.

Finally, for me at 4:30 am on May 4^th, I was examined - at which time the balloon catheter fell right out and I had achieved 4 cm! I was immediately brought to Labor and Delivery (YEAH!!! Private room!), where I finally received an epidural and the beginning of the Pitocin drip.

The anesthesiologist had a little trouble getting my epidural in - not because he didn't know what he was doing, but because I am just too damned ticklish! Every time he touched my lower back, I would squirm! So, it took Hubby and two nurses to hold me in place so that when he touched the area to insert the epi, I wouldn't move. I guess that means getting a tattoo in that area will be out for me!

Once the epidural took hold, from about 5:00 am, I was very comfortable...certainly as compared to the previous night. I was able to finally sleep and rest up. I would watch a little TV, nap, talk, nap, watch TV, nap...and so on, and so on. I still had to lay on my left side - but, since I couldn't feel my legs at all, it really didn't matter all that much.

Our labor nurse was wonderful! Great personality - and very responsive. Technically, I was only allowed two people in the room: my husband/coach and one other person. I opted to only have Hubby with me since I didn't want my MIL offended if I had my mom in the room the entire time. However, our nurse did an end-run for us and, with the open pass, my parents and in-laws kept rotating shifts staying with us. It was great to have them all there at different points - especially the grandmas, since everything was so high-tech as compared to when they had their children.

Dr. D stopped in from time to time after 9 am when he could - somehow, he got slammed with 7 deliveries that day when he was only supposed to have me as an induction and one other scheduled c-section. So, he had to rely on the interns a bit more for me - which was fine, since they were all very nice and competent. He would joke with Hubby because he was hoping to have ordered pizza and have the two of them eat it in front of me the entire day - nice guy, huh?

As 12:15 pm approached, Dr. D came in again and found I was at ten cm dilated! All of the parental visiting was halted and at 12:45 pm, I started pushing. Due to short staffing with all of the deliveries that day, my husband ended up being a brace for me as well as a coach as I pushed. Even with turning down the epidural, I still could not feel when contractions were starting - so, we had to rely on the monitors to see when one was starting, and begin from there.

It took less than a half hour to finally bring Christopher Kenneth into the world – he was born at 1:13 pm (during Days of Our Lives, which I was watching in between pushing) at a healthy 7 lbs. 13 oz. and twenty-one and a half inches long!

Dr. D held him up and announced "It's a BOY!!!" I saw him ever so briefly in the air until he was whisked away to the pediatric area of the room - I was not told why at the time and felt like a stranded island for a while. Everyone left me to turn to him - and of course, I started freaking out. I was finally told, after screaming my head off, that he was okay. He apparently had a lot of fluid to be suctioned out that did not get pushed out through the birth process.

Just as Dr. D turned back to me after making sure Chris was okay, the placenta was delivered. He looked like a football player about to fumble the ball because it happened so fast - but, he made a good catch. Everything looked great - the placenta was completely intact and healthy.

Finally, I was able to hold my son. I was absolutely taken with the little man I was holding. He was perfect - pink, full head of dark hear, eyes wide open and looking around, eyes of sky blue. He was beautiful - and mine. He cried for a little bit, but when I spoke to him, crying with joy, he stopped crying and looked up at me. He just knew my voice from the second I spoke, as if to say "There you are!"

Hubby and I actually did not have a name specifically picked out for a boy - we were fully prepared for a girl: Elena Maria. But, for a boy, we had several names bantering around, but nothing specific. And, when we held Chris, none of those early names fit him at all. Christopher just came to us in an instant - he looked like a Christopher, and since he was our special gift, that had to be his name.

A little while later, my parents and in-laws came in to meet Christopher – their smiles and tears were all I needed to know that Christopher was already loved. Chris was passed around from grandparent to grandparent - even my father, who never held any of his grandchildren until they could sit up, held Chris for a while and spoke to him.

Chris was finally brought up to the nursery to get cleaned up and diapered and checked - I was transferred to a fully private room that became available (and was sooooo welcomed!). Of course, we had to pay $200 per night for the private room - the hospital is still not up to snuff on all private rooms in maternity - but it was my Mother's Day present for 2004. After about two hours, and my meal, Chris was brought in for a while - until it was circumcision time. Dr. D did the procedure that evening - and of course he came in afterwards to tell us Chris did really well and it was the "best job" he has ever done. Good for Chris when he is married some day - bad for us knowing the details!

Chris spent so much time during the day in that room while we were there - along with the visitors who came in during the day and evening. We had a few first-time parent mishaps, of course: Changing his diaper too soon to have him only need to be changed again a few minutes later, not swaddling him correctly, etc. But, he was alert and happy - and HUNGARY! It was rather relaxing...especially because Hubby was able to stay with me overnight.

This was the most amazing experience of our lives! And, I would gladly go through it again, if I could. For that moment in time, I was perfectly and utterly happy.

I'm baaaaaack!!

Vacation 2007 is over...too quickly, of course. It seemed to me that, once I finally was able to really relax, we were a day away from heading home. Crappy-crap. Oh well... At least I had the time off...and I didn't come back to an e-mail disaster this year!

It was a nice vacation, though. Much time spent with Chris - lounging, at the beach, or playing. What more could I ask for at this point on vacation, right?

So, I will get to posting the stories this week:

1. Psychic Watch 2007: A "surprise" in store for 2008

2. Have you seen my "Lou"?

3. Chris' BIG (and I mean BIG) Crush.

4. Various pics from vacation (beach, boardwalk, aquarium - as soon as I get them from my MIL!)

5. The In-Law snafu (AKA Hubby got no nookie)

6. The eBay Hack of Vacation 2007

7. The rather scary plans for Vacation 2008 (AKA I think I'd rather be working)

Until then, I hope to post the first in the Happiness Challenge stories between today and tomorrow: Chris' birth story.

What is MY happiness...and where did it go?

Mel over at Stirrup Queens is at it again....with her Happiness Challenge.

...You know, Mel, you are going to single-handedly get me fired one of these days with the ideas you come up with. :)

Anyways....

Mel posed the question of What is happiness? As in, what is your definition of happiness?

Well, honestly, I just don't know anymore. My idea of what happiness should have been for me - happy family, two children, being a stay-at-home mom, not having to worry about the bills, blah, blah, blah - has been blown out of the water and I am not really sure what is left yet.

...I am still trying to re-assemble the pieces...

...Again...

Like I mentioned in my post Illusions of Normalcy, my childhood ideas of where my life would be now are completely different than what the reality is....

...I suppose, though, we can all say that, can't we? Very few of us can say our lives are where we wanted them to be, right?

But, I don't think what I have wanted since I was a child was that much to ask for. It's not like I wanted millions of dollars, roses in my bedroom 24/7, maids and cooks to wait on me hand and foot, million-dollar parties with the finest silks and china in the world.

I wanted two children, and a little more time with them as they grew up.

That being said, what is happiness for me?

Not being on the verge of tears all of the time might be a really start.
(*** Insert sarcasm here ***)

Seriously, the only real, real joy I have right now is Chris...and my family as it stands now.

To that end, my ritual once a week is going to be two-fold:

1. I am going to create a post once a week that details specific memories I have with Chris that I want to preserve for the long-haul, so I never forget them. I will start with his birth story during the course of this week.
2. I am going to set aside time every Saturday or Sunday to do something special with Chris - only him and me - that does not involve chores or every-day things. Like, a special trip to the ice cream shop, or a quiet walk in the park.

I will see you all in a week.... We are heading to the Jersey Shore today and I plan to be out of internet contact the entire time! I need some time to think about things - and enjoy my time without thinking about work, TTC, and everything else.

Our progress with getting Chris into the correct program

This road of PDD-NOS has been already a bumpy one - not necessarily for Chris, but for us trying to get him the help he needs now.

We obviously have the diagnosis - and now have the actual report from the doctor. It was actually quite positive overall, with one or two things we don't agree with (but, we are not fighting it either because really, it was what he did at the time in the "sterile" setting). She feels that, with the right program now, he may very well not need any services by age 5. That was good to see in print - that we were not imagining she said it.

We also now have a speech and language evaluation - we had that done privately on 8/17. Overall, it too was a positive report. We know what we have to work on (expressive and receptive language, which spills over into his ability to carry on a conversation well) and have their recommendations for how many sessions a week would be appropriate (3 individual sessions in-school, 1 session in-school with another child for reinforcement, and 2 sessions with the speech center). He starts his sessions on 9/11 when we return from vacation, with the recommendation of continuing therapy for about a year (at which time they will reevaluate because they don't feel he will need more than that). Until then, the evaluator gave us some useful things to do at home with him, which we are ALL doing - and Chris is actually responding well to the changes.

Chris goes for a hearing test on 9/13 - his first one. Yipes!

We have inquired about private services with a disabilities center through the University I work for (have a phone conference with them on 9/11), with the Lovass Institute (we are setting up an in-home eval now), and another university near us - all centers provide home-based sessions for children, and parent training so we know what we are doing.

The nursery school teacher Chris had in the spring will be helping us as well in-class until we can get him into an appropriate program for the long term - we just have to provide her with a letter, signed by us, stating what she can and can't do (basically, allowing her to turn his chin toward her if he choses not to respond to her verbally). So, at least, until we get him into the right program, someone is willing to help on the "school level."

We have read so much, inquired so much through contacts of contacts - we have more to do, but feel we that, thus far, we are doing something. He is trying to say more, is visibly trying to stop himself from hand flapping a lot of the time already, and in the instances of certain toys that really provoke the behavior, those are now removed until we re-introduce them later to try again. He is trying to engage other kids at the playground now, instead of just watching them play, or him "inspecting" the playground.

So, all of the positives we were able to get done in two weeks now leads us to the school system...

....The severely fucked up school system....

Guess what????

Take a good guess????




...No, they didn't lose the paperwork we completed on July 9th. Thank goodness for that since we were never FURNISHED with that, after several requests for it (my bad for not asking in person - I always ask for stuff like that!).




...They forgot to enter him into the system!!!

You know what that means???

We could have had most if not all of the evaluation process done by now!

Hubby found that out yesterday when he called like a raving lunatic. The lady on the phone found the paperwork - and also found it was never entered, stated that she very well knows they are in violation of State law now (we should have been contacted within 20 calendar days of 7/9 to begin the eval process....it's more like almost 60 now!), and is going to "expedite things."

Damn right, they are!

So, I faxed over this morning a 15-page fax with a three page cover letter stating all WE have done on our own so far (and what the child study team has not), what evaluations we had, what programs we have already looked at, a request for all forms to be faxed to us, for a list of all of the programs available be faxed to us for our review and a demand that his evaluation be done ASAP. We even said that we will come back from vacation to get these evaluations done and we wanted a very specific answer by tomorrow.

Hubby was going to call this afternoon to roll heads again (it does pay to be married to an attorney from time to time....especially when he can twist things to get a better response than I can), just to make sure his file is not collecting dust.

What a headache! I was already nervous about Chris being in this school system - now I am terrified. I can't believe that we have to hold their hands through this - when they do it all of the time.

To say we are disgusted already with the town's educational system is putting it mildly.

Keep your fingers crossed this part finally gets off the ground... I do not want to see him having to wait until January to get into a school-based, integrative program!

Just when we think we have all our ducks in a row...

....Everything shifts.

Yep, that was the quote for today's Women Who Do Too Much calendar.

....And, ain't it the truth in my world. Humphh.

Well, I'll post later today about where we stand with helping Chris work through and overcome his issues... We have found some very wonderful people to help us - and have also hit some major stalls in the process too (AKA - our school districted fucked up BIG TIME!!). It has been a bumpy ride already.

Seeing things with eyes wide open

So, I've come to a decision over this past weekend...and it has taken into account several things. It has been a decision that has come with much sorrow, many tears, and still some lingering doubts. But, it is a decision I should have probably made this time last year, when I didn't want to realize that my body probably just doesn't want to do this TTC/pregnancy thing anymore.





...I have decided to get rid of all of the baby stuff that has accumulated in our house over the past three years - clothes, toys, stuffies, bottles. All of the things that Chris doesn't use anymore or is just too big for now, and would only be used if there was another infant in the house.

Along with the baby stuff, I have also decided to get rid of all of my maternity clothing.

I am going to ask Hubby's aunt, who works at a major hospital in a very urban city five minutes away from us, about how to donate it all. I was going to try to sell it - but, eBay is jam packed with toys that won't sell, the second hand place near us wants you to sell items on consignment (and she doesn't always contact you when something sells - which means she makes all of the profit), and I am just not up for having a garage sale (I think I would end up crying too much through it at this point). So, I figure there are families out there who are really down on their luck, and who need these things now...especially the clothing. So, I might as well get rid of it that way.

I just want all of it out of my house now. They are reminders of what is probably never going to happen for us now...at least not that I can see.

There are several reasons, very logical and probably, in the end, time saving as well.

First off, we have absolutely NO ROOM to move in our basement and attic. It is full of storage tubs of clothing, toys and other accumulated crap that belongs to neither Chris or I. We want to finish the attic when we return from vacation (it is so large, we can make two bedrooms out of it - we are going to opt for one bedroom and a half bath at this point). Finishing the attic will add value to the house, and help us organize our life a bit. How would we work with all of that stuff up there?

Secondly, moving to a town with a much better school system will probably be a must, so it is just easier to have the crap streamlined now. Hubby is the ultimate pack-rat - if I don't do this now, we will be moving it all in less than two years! So, if I can address it now, then there would be less to move - and less to pay to move. To his credit, Hubby has been selling stuff on eBay - like his wrestling figures, light sabers, hats, guitars he never plays, etc. ...the things that just sit there and do nothing but collect dust. So, some cash is coming in that we can nest away...but he has sooooo much more to go (like a basement and attic-full at his parent's house as well)! It is overwhelming to me.

Third, and probably most importantly, I just don't think my body can handle TTC and pregnancy now. I really, really don't. So why keep these reminders in the house? They are doing nothing but taking up space and collecting dust...and until I know they are gone, they are always there to remind me what I have lost and probably won't get to experience again.

My endocrinologist called and left me a message yesterday - my thyroid b/w from Friday is just perfect. So, how I have been feeling - tired, exhausted, achy, cold - is probably all stress...

...and anxiety.

Ah, the "A" word again... What I had hoped would be an easy fix with an upped dosage of Levoxyl is not. So, that of course means I am going to have to bite the bullet and transition back onto Lexapro. I can't live feeling like this...but being on Lexapro means no TTC. However, I need to be "with it" right now for Chris, and I am not. So I already called Dr. McC about going back on it. He should be calling tonight. I don't think I need the dose I was on previously - but something to help me get back to a semblance of normal.

I finally did get my period last Thursday - Spotting for one week, very light/kinda spotty on Wednesday, then heavy for two days on Thursday and Friday, then light for two days, now nothing. Not quite normal for me - which means either stress is to blame, or I might really have to worry about scarring since thyroid is not the issue. So, I will be calling Dr. D to discuss checking on that as well today. Not that I will be TTC...at least not anytime soon. But, it would be nice not to have to deal with this as well.

I feel like such a quitter. But do I have a choice really? Every time we come close to starting a cycle, the door gets slammed in our faces...or really, MY face.

Hubby has been so supportive on this - and is willing to do what is best for me. His line of thinking is that, if I changed my mind later this year or a year or so down the line and want to try again, we can always borrow the things I want to give away or buy it new as a fresh start. I am not holding out my hopes for that, but at least there is a back-up plan.

I have been thinking back to two things I said around the time I was PG with Chris - and they really haunt me now...

When I was about 5-6 weeks PG with Chris, my nausea was kicking into super-high-gear - I couldn't move without feeling like I was going to puke (which, ironically, I only dry-heaved twice the entire time...). We were trying to get out of the house to spend a few days with my IL's at the shore, since they rented a very small place for the week. I remember sitting on the bed, afraid to move because I felt like I was going to get sick - and saying to Hubby "I don't think I could ever do this again..."

Then, when I was at my six-week check up after Chris was born, I remember joking to Dr. D that I never gave him a run for his money when I was PG - even Chris' birth was scheduled since I wasn't going into labor on my own. And now, if I were to actually get PG again, it would not be the "easy road" I had with Chris.

....Talk about two comments that were a foreshadowing of what we are going through now. I wish I could take those comments back...

Maybe it is too soon to make these decisions...but I can't help but believe that these are the best moves for right now and for the future.

We are leaving for vacation on Saturday...so I have a week to really think about this. But, I think there will be a major clean-out starting in our house when we return on the 8th. I just hope that whomever gets the items we are giving away really enjoys them as much as we did.

I am just so disappointed...and sad that I can't seem to give Chris a sibling to grow up with. I just don't see it happening now.

Illusions of normalcy

Someone from a buddy group of mine sent me a really sweet e-mail over the weekend (besides the comments posted here - thank you all for your kind words) that really affected me - but not in the way I think she had hoped it would:

"I just wanted to say that I really admire the way you are handling the situation. I'm sure it's not easy, but so many parents fall apart or go into some sort of denial that their child has any sort of problem."

You see, I have a much better facade than most people think...

I rarely fall apart in public. Or, to family and friends. Or, to the Hubby. Although, as my boss has mentioned to me, my body language is usually what rats me out eventually...

I choose to suffer in private most of the time - which is what probably triggered the anxiety issues of the past. I don't like to cast my sorrows, fears, anxieties onto anyone else...although I am not afraid to have anyone cast theirs on me.

Guess I have learned martyrdom or stoic-ness well.

I know, logically, Chris' prognosis with PDD-NOS will be good. He is very smart, very affectionate, very willing to interact with others and be a normal little boy. He just needs some help to stop the behaviors that make him "different" and to help him to verbally express himself (which will, in turn, also help him to stop the behaviors that make him "different"). The doctor herself feels that, with the right services now, he will do extremely well.

...And, I know that we have a great support system. Everyone wants to learn what will be his new routines (although someone in particular in that mix needs a blow to the head every once and a while as a reminder that she doesn't know it all). Everyone wants to help beat the challenges he faces.

...And, I also know that eventually he will have the right services to address his needs. I just need the right combination of persistence and patience.

But, the problem is for me right now, besides getting Chris into the programs that he needs to be in, is the impact this diagnosis is going to make on the things that I WANTED for my life.

Very selfish...isn't it??

But, you see, from when I was a little girl, all I ever, EVER wanted out of my life - more than my education, more than my health, more than the things I could acquire in my lifetime - was to have a great marriage, a loving family, to have to two or three children to make my family "complete" and to be able to stay at home with those children and raise them myself.

I do have a great marriage - to a kind man who is willing to put up with my moods and irrational moments, and to support me when I need it most. I can even forgive the pigsty he would have no problem living in, if I weren't on his butt to clean up all of the time.

And, I do have a loving family - especially a son who means more than everything to me. Chris is the best thing in my life - which is driving me so much to get him in the right place, with the right services.

But...

But...

I have already had to sacrifice not being home with Chris. I had to work because of the second mortgage we have hanging over our heads - AKA, Hubby's law school loans (for a career that, quite frankly, he never wanted - it was his parents...er, his mother's...prodding for that). And, I had to work because Hubby just wasn't making enough to cover our expenses (i.e., credit card bills he accumulated in said law school that he hated). And, we needed the insurance coverage - of course, now more than ever.

But...

But...

Now I am getting hit with the fact that, in addition to being cheated out of my time home with Chris - MY chance to be the full time mother, caregiver, educator, boo-boo healer - I probably will never have another living child nor will I get the time at home with any child.

That really, really hurts.

With the real prospect of having to move to a better town with a much better school district vs. the original plan to put Chris in catholic school and stay where we are for a while (until we could save to move), that just about kills any idea of another child... I just don't see how we can afford another child now.

Besides, my chances are not that good as it is, with all of the medical crap I have going on.

And, Chris' health has to be our first priority.

I am trying not to host a pity-party - that won't help Chris in any way. But, the thought of him being an only AND me never having had the time with him at home except for the 2 months of maternity leave when he was a new born just burns a huge, gaping hole in my heart.

I am so, so glad that my mom and my MIL have had time with Chris - that is time they can always cherish, and build a great relationship on as Chris gets older. But, I just feel like I am a part-time parent. I get visitation rights on evenings, weekends and holidays. And, when I have him, there are other things that have to get done too - cook, clean, upkeep the house that we have to upkeep more to try to sell.

...All the while, Chris asks me to "Sit right here!"

That request to play and be happy with him rings in my ears every day. I don't always just get to sit and play. I have laundry to do, dishes to wash, floors to vacuum....things that I could be doing as he naps during the week days when I could have been home.

I know there are women who thrive on the challenge of it all - being a full time mom and a full time professional. I am glad that they can balance it all - and be happy. But, I can't. I don't. I would much rather be neck-deep in sand with Chris or vacuuming while he naps than having to arrange things for people who are going to bitch no matter how well you do it.

You know, I just feel like my God - the one I CHOSE to follow when I was 16 years old, back when I thought things were "hard" with my parents not getting along and school being challenging - really, really let me down. I have prayed so hard - not for monetary things, but for health, for another child, for time with Chris, for Chris' happiness and health, for a good marriage, for patience to let things come to us when they should and in God's time - so hard until my knees were red and numb.

Did he answer? No, not that I can really see that well right now.

Maybe I am expecting too much. Or, my prayers are misdirected in some way. Or, I just lost my faith completely now...thinking it was back when the Gods of Lexapro were in the house.

But, when I took my marriage vows almost nine years ago, I promised so many things - including and especially accepting children from God. Did I do something wrong? I am here, waiting - hands waving high enough, clenched so hard they are turning red - for those children God asked us to accept into our hearts to come.

For some reason, I am passed over. And, as I an passed over, Chris gets whacked with challenges he now has to face at such a young and innocent age, and three other children got called back too soon...were not given a chance to be here with us.

Is it too much to ask for one more child to love? To care for? To want to do anything for?

I mean, I knew friends in college who went home with a guy - every weekend after a party, and not necessarily the same guy. They didn't care about their grades. Didn't care about themselves, their dignity or self-worth. They partied hardy, and lived life on the edge. But, they now have at least two children - no problems getting pregnant, no problems staying pregnant. I knew people who got into all kinds of trouble - alcohol, whatever - and they had no problems having children, even down to the ones that the "didn't want." Even my own sister and brother have 6 children among them - and they were the ones who got into all of the trouble when we were young. Did I not whore around enough? Do I not have enough garbage in my background to now teach my children by example now? Do I not have enough lessons to teach?

Or, is it the other end of the spectrum? Was I not virtuous enough like the Dugger's to be able to give birth like bunnies and have a pack of children? Should I have not used curse words at all? Should I have not had a beer in college? Should I have not given the finger to the guy who almost took the front of my car off with Chris in the car? Should I have given more to the Salvation Army collection at Christmas time?

Yes, I am angry. And frustrated. And disappointed. This is NOT where I wanted my life to be - or Chris' life either - right here and right now.

What did I do wrong?

At the very least, God could have answered one prayer and left Chris alone - kept him perfectly happy and healthy. Why does he have to face these challenges now?

Why couldn't God have allowed me to protect the one precious, living child I was able to have?

It just doesn't seem fair.

Maybe, as Chris gets into the appropriate services, and he begins to improve, I will feel a little bit better about things. Come back to reality a bit more. Think a little more clearly and logically. There are so many things left unanswered right now because we are still waiting for the township's child study team to start their evaluation...all of my worries and upsets and anxieties are based on the things we don't know yet.

But, for right now, I am bitter and angry - not just because of the things that I feel robbed of, but because I couldn't shield Chris from this. I feel like I let him down. I couldn't protect the only living child I have from something that could affect his entire lifetime.

I feel like I have failed terribly at my vocation in this life.

Re-evaluating current priorities (Updated)

Well, I am going to have to re-evaluate my current priorities on TTC... I think at this point, Chris needs my undivided attention now more than ever. This means, of course, that I am probably going to have to put off TTC again (and, no, I have not heard back from Dr. D's office yet **UPDATED BELOW** - I am aggravated, but it is not high on my check-list today).

First off, I can honestly say our pediatrician really, REALLY let us down, and we are very unhappy. Hubby and I are very much in agreement that we will be finding a new one soon (certainly before he needs to go for his next check up at 4 years old). We have for the past year been concerned about his speech (not being able to express himself clearly) and some behaviors he has been displaying (hand-flapping or jumping when excited, not always responding when he is addressed) - every time we brought it up with the pediatrician, we were told to wait - it was probably nothing and he would catch up. They (it is a practice of two) assured us it was not Autism or autism-like disorder since he was very affectionate and was not regressing in speech (just a little behind).

So, we waited - we enrolled him in that nursery school program in February - he improved, but not to the point at what he should be doing verbally for 3 years old.

We went against their recommendations of waiting again in May at his 3 year check up and scheduled the neurological evaluation (we at least got the referral for a neurological eval back in May!). His appointment was this morning - which was a loooong time from May, but the earliest appointment we could get.

Chris was officially diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified this morning. It is an Autism Spectrum disorder, but the doctor told us it is not Autism or Asperger's specific.

The doctor was very positive about his potential - his gross/fine motor skills are very age-appropriate, he has not regressed in any way verbally, he is affectionate, smart, curious, funny, knows his shapes/letters/numbers/colors, happy. We just have to work on getting his speech in line with his age and teach him the appropriate venues for expressing himself. She feels that if we can really work on addressing this now and fast, that he may very well fall out of the diagnosis by the time he his 5 years old.

We are glad, so GLAD, someone has finally listened to us - and given us the path to helping him and helping him now. It is very frustrating when you know your child is a smart, good child but there is something holding him back and no one is willing to help.

So, when I got in to work today, my afternoon has been spent setting up his hearing test (for 9/10 - and, no, our pediatrician NEVER told us he should have one by age 3 anyway!), trying to see if the Child Study Team in our town's Board of Education could move along his eval (we registered him in early July and of course, they can't move up his eval, so we have to wait until mid-September for that - which delays us in getting him in to any specialized program), calling other centers suggested by the neurologist to at least address his speech until we can get him through the district, calling in personal favors (i.e., my boss' wife who knows the director of a particular speech center at another local university) to help fast track other avenues of help, and research the ABA recommendations so we can at the very least work with him on our own better than how we have been this past year.

So, I think it may be in Chris' best interest if we wait again to TTC for now - just a couple more months, until we get him in the right programs to help him on his way. We are setting up so many appointments now for him anyway, I am just not sure there is time to even TRY the monitoring for an IUI. Hubby and I still have to talk about that tonight...there wasn't time this morning since we both had to get in to work.

I will call Dr. D, though, tomorrow - today is surgery day (he is rarely in on surgery Tuesday) and since I got no phone call back yesterday, it is pretty clear Liz did NOT talk to him yet. So, I will call around 10 am tomorrow morning (when Lee, the good nurse, usually is the only one answering phones) and see what I can get.

I am not sure I can justify TTC right now with Chris just starting out on his path to a better future...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UPDATE: Lee (the nice nurse) called me back a few minutes ago. Dr. D had suggested just starting Clomid and doing an u/s in a week to see where things were. I told her that I really wasn't comfortable with that plan - I would personally like to see a new cycle start and try to verify that no scarring has developed from the d&e/d&c's done. She mentioned that sometimes he does let patients go about a month past the last Provera pill to see if something will start - but, she said to call in a week (and ask for her - yeah!) if I still don't have my period. We will then go from there.

I am okay with that, for now, since Chris has to be our first priority right now - and I told her that. So, it is an update and a temporary answer...we'll see if anything happens over the next week.

Waiting on what to do

Waiting again...

*tapping foot*

I am 12 days past my last Provera pill... Still no period.

This is not right - at least for me, anyway.

*tapping foot*

Took another HPT, and the striking white of the test area is pretty clear that there is no pregnancy to speak of.

...of course, you kinda need the ovulation for that, and the lack of a strong test line proved pretty clear too that there was no ovulation on my own this cycle.

** tapping foot fast**

So, I called Dr. D's office this morning - of course, I got Liz (my not-so-favorite nurse) on the phone and told her what was going on: No PG, no ovulation, no period 12 days out of Provera (although I did have 2 days of very light spotting last week). I also mentioned that my periods over all the last few cycles have been lighter for me. Hell, my last period started with two days of not-quite-spotting but not-quite-period-bleeding!

WTF??

Liz's response was: Wasn't I supposed to come in for a TTC consult with Dr. D since we hadn't met since November 2006?

Apparently, she's working on a way-outdated newspaper... When I spoke to Lee (the faboo nurse and the one I trust since she has been there since I started going to Dr. D many years ago) in June, Dr. D's message was that when AF came, we would just start the Clomid/IUI cycle. So, I politely brought her up to speed on that one.

So, she took everything down (rather annoyed in tone, may I add - I am NOT happy about that one...then again, I am working on what should be my period hormones...) and told me she would call me back after she spoke to Dr. D today.

I know I am going to get the "you shouldn't have taken the Provera without my approval" speech - but, who knew I wouldn't get my period? Besides, I tested several times anyway to make sure I wasn't PG before I started it - I took the appropriate precautions there that I would have been told to do anyway.

So, where is my period?

I have a theory (thanks, Dr. Google for this one) - actually, I have a few. But, the most I am worried about (other than the current stress I am trying to swim through, or the possibility that my thyroid may be acting up again, or the possibility that maybe I stored the Provera wrong in the first place and it just wasn't as effective as it should be) is that I may have developed Asherman's Syndrome.

I really, really love Dr. Google for allaying my fears and anxiety...

Honestly, I have put my uterus through a work-out over the past three years: one live birth, one natural early m/c, one d&e for a m/c that wouldn't start followed up by one d&c less than 6 months later because I couldn't live with waiting for another m/c to start. And, the fact that I have cramping often (even without a period pending), that my periods seem to be lighter than they have been in the past, and my period has not shown up after Provera (which has NEVER happened), I am starting to really worry...

So, I am waiting to see what Dr. D has to say.

...and my cell phone will be glued to me until I hear back from him...

I have not had an HSG since 6/03 - maybe it is time to take a look in there and see what the heck is going on.

I am so tired of thinking in terms of worst-case-scenario... But, that seems to be how life has been the past 18 months of TTC again.

Murphy's law strikes again.

Damn it...all I want is one more child. Why do I keep hitting these roadblocks? Every time I feel like things are in place to try again, another detour pops up without warning.

...Maybe I should just start taking the hint and call this journey over.

Damn it.

So freakin frustrated...

Where the hell is my period??? It has been 8 - count it EIGHT - days since I finished the Provera, and I had two whopping days of minimal spotting.

WTF???

I have never, EVER had this happen? What the heck am I supposed to do now? I have taken a few HPT's just to make sure I didn't make a huge mistake - all of them were negative. So, I know I am not PG. Kinda need to ovulate for that, which didn't happen.

I am so bloated out the wazzuu, I am crampy, I am moody... And, nothing.

Nothing.

If I don't have anything by Monday, I am going to call Dr. D. This is just ridiculous.

All I want to do is get this cycle STARTED, and here I am sitting, waiting, again.

This is really pissing me off.

Uh, like I need this BS right now!

...Be prepared! This is a LOOOOOONG post!

So, I have mentioned a few times now how my work load has been off the charts, and how I can't keep up at work and that it is trickling down into my personal life because I am just exhausted when I get home (which translates into early bedtime for me and minimal communication with the people I care about).

Remember my magic wand???




...Apparently it is malfunctioning - BIG TIME!

Okay, okay... Let me start from the beginning...

I have been having a hard time at work lately (nothing new really since the more work I do here, the more work I get to do, and so on and so on.). It's been visible to a few people. How could it not? But, up until Thursday, no one really asked me to talk about it - which is fine, because I usually don't talk until I am ready. My Director (we'll call him "F" for now since he is references in the e-mails I am about to post) knows that, my Center Administrator knows that.

CrazyS (which is what I will call our new Associate Director - she started on June 1st with a less than stellar response from all of us on our staff here...I'll explain more in a bit) does not know that...and has now blown this current situation - and other things completely unrelated to me (which makes me feel a bit better - at least I know it is NOT me with the issue) - out of proportion and out of proportion via e-mail no less.

Real, real classy!

Let me back-track to the issues that started coming up... In a nut-shell:

• She wants everything spoon-fed to her instead of being resourceful and attempting to find things on her own. Not really going to work around here since ALL of us are overloaded. We all are able to find most things on our own on other people's machines - that is why Microsoft created FILESHARING!'
• She keeps asking for things that have been sent to her already - several times. And, then, she tries to make it look like YOU were the one who dropped the ball. It's as if she only reads e-mails that are "important" to her. And, I don't think she pays attention to the fact that I CC myself on EVERYTHING as a back-up! I KNOW when I sent something, damn it!
  
• Her e-mails about what she wants are in no way clear, nor are they kind most of the time (probably demanding is a better word). For example, here are some things she has sent me (hopefully you can see what I mean after extracting snippets of various e-mails):
  

"Here is the Epi Report with F's changes. Some formatting needs to be done again. It's almost done. Please print a copy for me and I will read it one last time for typos and then you can enter it."
**Notice NO reference to exactly WHAT formatting needs to be changed - or even if I am the one who needs to do it? And, the report cannot be entered until F sees it one more time - she can't make that decision to just enter it.

"I will make a directory on my computer called NSF-BioMath as soon as I

get in. We can still use Brenda's former directory system as a

repository, but I would prefer to work in my shared directory."
** Not going to work since my director wants all of the reports in one place - so that it is easier for me to work on them with 3 different associate directors. She agreed already in person with myself and the other 2 associate directors that she would not work from her machine - she would work from the main report repository.

"I'll take that document and discuss it with F briefly and only

then let's make the email lists and send out messages and all that."
** Say what? ONLY THEN?? That's a little rude.

• She spent more time this week bitching that the hotel vans were late (uh, hello? Did you realize there is RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC) than worrying about our main speaker almost passing out during his talks from low bloodsugar because he chose not to eat breakfast.
• She opted NOT to work on a report that was due 7/31 until the weekend before - even though I had it ready for her as she ASKED by the end of June. So, it then became an emergency for ME to get in at the last second so the NSF didn't slap us on the wrist for being late.
  

There is more to the list...it's ever growing.

She spent the bulk of the day Thursday telling me that the program was running "perfectly." It was a "huge success." PUHLEEEEZZE! It has been running just fine - I know that - I've run the freakin program for NINE YEARS now. I don't need her "reassuring" me like I am 2 years old. I know when things are going right or wrong. I just need her out of my office this week so I could somehow catch up on some of the work that has been piling up on my desk. She just wouldn't get the casual hints.

So, she took it upon herself after to talk to my Director Thursday because "I looked upset"...and then came into my office and closed the door so we could "talk." Quite frankly, I have been in such a bad mood for a couple of weeks now - so many deadlines to meet, not enough time to do them, too many stupid questions from people who should be smarter (book-wise anyway) than me - that I have been on the verge of either lashing out at someone (which I didn't want to do - I am better than that) or cry myself into a puddle of blubber. So, I said to her that I needed to talk to our Director, which I would do eventually when there was time, and I would talk to her later - saying in passing that I have a lot of work to do, needed to talk to him about how to prioritize things, and that there were some things at home bothering me, and I just didn't feel up to talking.

i.e. There is some personal things that she is just NOT privy to! I am NOT going to tell her that we are TTC again after three miscarriages. I am not going to tell her we are concerned with Chris' speech and his upcoming evaluation. These are things that are overlapping with the workload that only F and my Center Admin are privy to!

Apparently my hint didn't work... She marched right back into my director's office and met with him again.

So, I get this e-mail early yesterday morning:

"Hi T (me),

Hope you are feeling better after your discussion with F yesterday.

This morning I made the mistake of checking my email before leaving and there were so many emails, some disturbing, I couldn't get out on time. I'm afraid I won't get there in time to open the conference. I'll do my best, but most likely you'll have to do the honors. I hope you don't mind. I have an extremely tight schedule and I really try to avoid getting distracted, but sometimes it just happens.

Thanks,
S"

So, I responded to her saying it was no big deal if she was late - I could handle it, which I did. No problems.

But, I did not respond to the "Hope you are feeling better after your discussion with F yesterday" comment. That is NOT professional to say in an e-mail unless you were out sick the day before.

Then, I received THIS second e-mail yesterday morning from her, around 11:30 am (and, no, she was not here yet):

"T,

I'm sending you the message F sent me. I'm deeply dissapointed that you didn't share this with me before complaining to F. I've done everything possible to make things easier for you. I'm working hard just like you. Whenever you cannot or will not do something I simply say "okay." We've never exchanged one cross word. When you are upset I try to reassure you that everything is going well.

I'm sending you brief emails with itemized lists because you asked me to do that. You didn't want me coming to your office and trying to discuss things with you. There's only so much you can communicate over emails.

You never said a word to me and then to turn around and complain about me to the boss, just isn't right. I never would have complained about you to anyone without letting you know first and giving you a chance to fix things.

You and F are having a problem with your workload - you said this to me many times. It's not right to involve me in your conflict like this.

If F misunderstood then it is up to you to explain that to him. If I don't hear from F that he misunderstood the email I sent you, then I'll assume you complained about me behind my back.

S
_______________________


**Thanks for sending me a copy of the email you sent T. I think that part of the problem is the tone of the email. Of course, you sent it before you and I talked this afternoon. We have an atmosphere at DIMACS in which we treat all of the staff as professionals and as equals. Somehow, the wording in your email seemed like it was simply telling T what to do rather than discussing it with her. It would have been better to have your ideas come as suggestions as to how you might prefer to have things work or how T or anyone else might make changes in procedures. Also, since we all share jobs and exchange pieces of jobs, it is sometimes necessary to do things in a way that is better for others, even if it is more work. That may be the case with the report system. I do think that this will eventually iterate to a good solution that everyone is happy with. It just means we all have to work on it."

WTF?? How old are we? And, how exactly DID you get a PhD with this kind of "etiquette"?? This was rather immature and shitty of her to send. I chose not to respond - I gave it to my director to handle.

First off, there has never been a time I "did not want to do something." Asking for food to show up magically at 11:45 when IT IS 11:45 is just freaking IMPOSSIBLE!!! Unless, of course, my magic wand is working...or the food comes out of my ass.

I wanted e-mails of what she wants for MY protection - so, sending me e-mails instead of face-to-face conversations is true on her end. BUT, her e-mails are unclear or twisted, and I can't figure out what the hell she wants most of the time - or, they are just completely wrong. If I try to clarify, the answers are just as twisted. It's a no-win situation there. But, my plan of e-mails is working for MY protection now, thank goodness!

Yes, I did go to my boss about my issues first - mainly because the last time I tried to handle an office conflict on my own, it blew up in my face because the person did not like hearing what was REALLY going on...and I suspect the same would have happened here. As much as I am frustrated with F right now, he is a great, great person and has been there for me more times than I can count. We are very similar in work ethics - to a fault really since we both cannot say no to things and we want to make sure things go right on something we have done - and sometimes that will cause minor friction between us. In times like this current situation, I wanted to sound off what I was feeling about S before I spoke to her (I didn't want things misconstrued, which they are anyway and probably would have been had I tried to talk to her on her own) - and he thinks that was the appropriate channel to go through. I was planning on talking to her about everything yesterday - until that second e-mail came in. It is apparent she would not be reasonable about anything.

Oh, F and I HAVE no conflict! No deep-seeded issues! We get along very, very well - and we are in no way putting her in the middle. He and I get into not-so-eye-to-eye talks sometimes, but they always work out. F and my Center Admin get into the same situations at times too. It is the nature of the amount of work we are expected to get done. She can't figure that out because she just hasn't been here long enough to see how we all work together. But, she is insisting this is the heart of the issue - that F and I are just not getting along. That is not the case AT ALL.

And, what the HELL is she sending me a personal e-mail like that from F at the end?!?! F trusted her to use it wisely, she did not. She twisted it yet again...

...Although, I must say that my Director is a CLASS ACT! He was very diplomatic in that section of e-mail...which she could not see.

I come to find out after this second e-mail that she sent some VERY disturbing e-mails to F and our Center Administrator around the same time this e-mail came in to me. Things in no way related to me - but related to others in the office, like "someone wouldn't give her a copy code" (she never asked) and "someone didn't want to give her a parking permit (because it is her responsibility to GO GET A STAFF PERMIT FROM PARKING instead of doing an end-run to not have to shell out the cash for the staff permit!!). It was so bad, F called my Center Admin in to the office on her day off to call University Relations about what to do. I am not sure what was in those e-mails - and I don't care to know. All I know is the issue is WELL beyond just me.

F talked to her again yesterday for almost an hour - she stormed out of his office (which is across from mine) afterwards. He confronted her with a lot of the crap she had been slinging - and also suggested that she talk to me to straighten things out. She does not want to talk to me - she is too "upset" about it.

Pish-pash. She got caught in her own crap.

So, she sent this at 3:59 pm yesterday:

"It would be very difficult for me to handle tomorrow's events. Is it possible to get someone else to do it? I feel quite bad about not being there to see people off after getting to know them over the week, but I have my limits. I've worked every weekend for some time now and put in such long hours this week, I'm exhausted. So I would greatly appreciate if you found a replacement."

Uh, and what am I in the working the weekends department?? Chopped liver??? So glad she acts responsibly for the position of Associate Director.

When F saw that, he told me we would use the speaker to moderate today - and that he would give her the chance to change her mind and have her show up. BUT, when I checked my e-mail last night, I saw this response instead:

"I am sorry that this week has been so exhausting for you. These one-week programs are intensive and everyone works hard at them.

I have to say that telling me at 3:59 PM on a Friday afternoon that you felt you couldn't come in for the planned Saturday morning session of the Reconnect program was not acceptable. However, luckily, I have arranged for coverage so there is no need for you to come in tomorrow."

For F, them's fightin' words! F is the calmest person I know - I have only heard him yell at one person in the 9+ years I have worked here. It looks like she will be #2 soon enough.

I am not sure what is going to happen at this point - all I know is F and my Center Admin trust me and my work and my judgment. They feel I took the right steps to rectify this (especially NOT having talked to her on my own because it would have gotten twisted anyway), and she twisted and turned it to attempt to work in her favor - which it has not. My Center Admin thinks she just an outright cookoo clock and wants to see her go. F is a little more cautious because we DO work for a University and it is hard to fire someone without justification (although she is still in the 90 day trial period of employment - he can terminate without cause right now).

I think the heart of the matter here is she likes to do research, not administrative stuff. Writing reports and moderating programs is probably NOT what she expected out of this job - and she's not happy. She wants to write her papers...but that is not what the job is!

Which is not OUR problem, now is it?

She is still commuting from New York to get here - and she has less than 3 weeks to find a new place around here before she looses her lease on the current house. I think she has been stalling finding a new place (which would require finding a good school district for her 3 children) because she doesn't like her duties here - and was trying to find a way out.

She may have found that out - but not on her terms.

Well, at least the programs are over as of today...I am slowly beginning to dig out of my piles and come back to civilization and learning the Bass Guitar.

I am not sure what is going to happen with her... If she ends up staying, I hope we can come to some sort of workable truce... If she goes, then my workload will get heavier again until a replacement can be found.

I'll keep you posted...

The dangling carrot (** Edited at end **)

This time next week (give or take a few hours - the appointment IS in the afternoon), I will be getting this done with Zia:

Spa Pedicure:

Enjoy a relaxing whirlpool bath with a light salt glow massage for feet and legs. Sea Serum is used to soften the roughest of areas, which are buffed until smooth. Each foot is brushed with a marine masque and wrapped. This treatment ends with an aromatic oil massage for both feet and legs.

Ahhh.... One hour of total, mind-erasing luxury....after several hours of shopping and dining.

That's my dangling carrot for the week, since my magic wand will probably be broken by then.

I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Oh, can I mention how much my hubby ROCKS!! See what he sent me at work this morning, just because he knew I was having a hard time here:





All I wanted to do was cry this morning when I received them.

Me and my Magic Wand

See this?

This is my Magic Wand.

I can do ANYTHING with this magic wand.

Anything.





No, REALLY, I can!

I can...

...make a catered lunch appear out my ass about 45 minutes before it is supposed to show up from the caterers...just because the main speaker is hungry and forgot to eat breakfast.

...fly someone from South Africa back to the US under $200...after the guy screws up and leaves the US to attend a workshop there - violating his visa status and of course is not allowed back into the US (did I mention I can get him the new visa too?).

...reinvent the e-mail program we use for mailing list...just so our Director can just browse all of the e-mail addresses without looking at anything else that would waste time.

...summon my intuition...so I can come up with an international banking code for my Director's bank account for a payment from Ireland.

Funny, my magic wand seems to only work here at work... It seems to malfunction everywhere else - like, where I REALLY could use it.


....I think I need a new job...


I have just about had it working here.