My mind is elsewhere today

I should be catching up on work today... I was out sick for two days, and I have A LOT to catch up on.

But, I am not.

Instead, I am on FF, looking at my own chart (what there is of it anyway), cruising through the March due dates threads that are starting. I am blog surfing. Reading. Commenting. Good practice, though, for the Comment-a-thon coming up (I am committed to 50 posts!).

Daydreaming...

Hoping...

Yeah, hoping... What's that??

Not working.

I feel terrible. The student I hired as a program assistant is working her fanny off, getting some things done for me that I have not had time to do at all here. She comes in with questions. Jobs done.

And, I am wasting time.

This whole "I ovulated on my own" thing has me in unchartered territory... Well, at least for me anyway. It is making me uneasy. Not angry. Not scared (well, maybe a little scared). Just, well, unsure of what is to come. I am not used to my body working like it should. I am used to winging it: Guessing when I might get a period. Dealing with weeks of PMS and biting Hubby's head off before a period shows. It's so strange for me to sit here and think I have had three cycles in four months. I am not used to it...and I am afraid of getting used to it, in case it stops.

In my wasting time session today, though, I just realized something: My FF "test date" is on June 27th - by second angel could have been one year old. How's that for irony. I'm okay with it, though. Really. Maybe it will bring this surprise cycle a little luck.

I am not going to wait that long to test, though. I don't have that luxury. I need to know as soon as possible so my endocrinologist can up the Levoxyl and give me the best possible shot at this working - if I get a positive, that is.

In some ways, I feel like such a "newbie" again. It feels good in a way...reminds me that, even though I have learned a lot through my experiences, I still don't know everything. It's humbling.

I better get my work groove on... I have a report to file that is overdue (not by my fault, thank goodness!) and grant money is riding on it!

The follies of Dr. McC's staff, part....Uh, well, who knows!

I'm home again from work... Sick again. With what, you ask? We "think" strep throat, but since I actually never got swabbed for it, it is just speculation and I am on antibotics for it.


Please, let me back up and explain from the beginning...


I finally got over the sinus/double ear infections as chronicaled in Whish, whish... Ring, Ring... Took a while for the Levaquin to work, but it finally did and I was able to get back to walking, work, life, etc.

But, then, things started to go down-hill on Tuesday night. While putting Christopher to sleep, I fell sound asleep too. So asleep, there was no way in hell I was going to take my make-up off (I did manage to at least pry out my contacts, though). Of course, falling asleep like that is not uncommon these days because of the Hashi's...so I didn't really think of it, until...

I woke up Wednesday morning with a rip-roaring, raging sore throat. Could barely swallow. I couldn't see anything red in there, the pain was too low in the throat at that point.

Despite the pain and burning, I went in to work. I pulled the full day, but as the day progressed, I started to get achy, tired, feverish. By the time I was at my mother's house to pick Chris up, I wanted to just get home. Once we did, I made grilled chicken, rice and peas for dinner - I was lucky to get some peas and rice down my throat.

To try to head things off at the pass, especially since I had just finished antibiotics for the last adventure, I called Dr. McC's office and left a message explaining what was happening. I barely slept the entire night - every time I fell asleep, I woke up with my throat screaming and burning.

Thursday morning, I called out sick from work. My MIL came to pick up Chris to take him around the corner so I could get some rest. But, despite my best efforts to not breathe on him, Chris was already getting a fever.

Crap.

By 10 o'clock in the morning, I still hadn't heard from Dr. McC - and, Chris puked up the milk he had a little while before. His temp was way up, and he didn't puke up his breakfast, so I think the fever was what caused the puking. My MIL gave him motrin since tylenol didn't so a damned thing, and he was beginning to perk up within a half hour.

I decided to call Dr. McC again to see what he wanted to do...had to leave another message. Then, the follies began...

One of the nurses called back around 11 o'clock and said that, since I left in my message that I could potentially be pregnant, Dr. McC didn't want to treat anything without knowing. He wanted me to go for a beta. So, I tried to clarify with the nurse that I was only 4 DPO and that a beta test would absolutely come back negative right now - I wanted to let him know that I could potentially be PG and to give me something safe so if it turned out I was, I would begin to feel better without hurting anything. She put me on hold and explained to him what I said - he still insisted on the beta.

So, off I went to his office, half in a coma, to pick up the lab slip. It was CLEAR from the nurse on the phone that he wanted me to have the beta done at the lab down the street to do the test - they could not do it in his office. When I got there, I asked the nurse that, since I was there anyway, did he want to take a look at my throat - by 1 o'clock, my tonsils and eppiglotis was swollen, huge and scarlet red, and white spots were forming all over the place. NASTY!!!! She said no, he wanted the beta done.

I walked out with the slip, went to the lab, had the worthless beta drawn, and went home. Hour by hour, my throat was getting worse - I couldn't eat anything other than sherbet, and drinking was very difficult. I figured out this morning that I managed to lose about 3-4 pounds from the illness-induced diet). More phone called passed between me and Dr. McC's office staff - I was miserable, Chris puked a second time at my MIL's house (after his afternoon nap, when his fever spiked again - but, he kept his lunch down, only barfing the milk he drank a little while before), and I just couldn't help my son while he was sick.

Finally, around 4:30, I spoke to Dr. McC's office again (have I mentioned yet that I still HAD NOT talked to Dr. McC myself yet???) and asked could they call my ob/gyn and ask him what he would suggest? I couldn't keep going on like this.

Hubby called me around 5:15 to ask if Dr. McC's office had called back - I said no. So, he called Dr. D personally to ask him what to do. A few minutes later, Hubby called back and said to watch for a Dr. K to be calling - Dr. K is the head of the practice that shares space with Dr. D. He also had been listed several times in New York Magazine's Top Doctors list:



He called me around 5:45 and asked me what was happening - what my throat looked like (nothing short of a horror movie at this point), if I had been swabbed for strep yet, etc. I explained to him that Dr. McC was insisting on this beta, which I KNEW would come back negative right now since it just wasn't long enough past ovulation to show anything. I was miserable and could barely keep my head up, between lack of sleep and lack of eating.

He then asked me, quite jokingly if my GP refused to treat women for anything for two weeks out of every month just because they could be PG?? He said that if this was strep - which it certainly sounded like to him, but of course we could never be sure since the swab was never done - that it was WAY more important to treat it now than to let it go waiting for a beta that would not show positive yet. So, he asked for my pharmact number and called in a Z-pac for me immediately.

What a nice guy - it is no wonder now that Dr. D moved into the same office space with him.

I started the antibiotic last night. After I took my first pills, Dr. McC's office called again to ask me where I had the beta done. Uh, WTF question was that???? The girl said Hubby had called in between sometime and had thought it was done in his office. I told her, no, I was told to go to the lab and have it drawn - and, while we were at it, I told her I KNEW it was going to come back negative because impantation doesn't occur for 5-7 DPO, and it takes a little time for the HCG to show. But, she replied with this is what Dr. McC wanted. So, I responded that she might as well tell Dr. McC not to worry about it now - I had the Z-pac and I had already started it.

I am feeling slightly better, but not by much yet.

Of course, I finally get a call from Dr. McC himself at 8:15 this morning... He said the beta was negative (SHOCKING!) and that he would call in an antibiotic. So, I asked him if he got a message from the nurse last night. He said no, why? I proceeded to tell him I already had the Z-pac from my ob/gyn's office and that I didn't need it.

Then, the irony of it all statement happened:

Dr. McC said, "That's good. I would have preferred your ob/gyn handle it."

Uh, WHY, oh WHY didn't you SAY THAT at 11 am yesterday??? I could have had the freakin antibiotic hours before!!

Oi! I am beginning to wonder if I should look for a different GP practice.

So, I am not pregnant...at 4 DPO. Anyone surprised about that?

ETA: My strep and Chris' was confirmed on Saturday. Chris' pediatrican swabbed my throat after saying "EWWWWW!" when he looked at it. Chris is on antibiotics now (his first time!). I just finished mine. Let's hope we ALL stay healthy!

For the first time in a long time, things feel like they are lining up correctly

I have received a few comments here, on my BG's and in my e-mail about whether we DTD or not after my post on Saturday.

Yes, we did.

For the first time in a long time - really, since my only cycle that went "right" when I got PG with Christopher in August 2003 - I feel like things are lining up correctly. I feel like we made the right decisions at the right times for the right reasons. No regrets. No second guessing. No fear of the outcome (being pregnant/not pregnant, I mean. Fear of another m/c is still a right I think is owed to me).

I am speachless - and in awe.

Remember all of those questions I had about when I would learn to be patient? When I would learn to trust God's plan for me? When I would learn to let go of the control and trust things will be granted to us at the right time?

I think I am finding it...

...And, it only took me two years to get the message. What a dork.

I feel, first of all, that I have to craft an Ode to Levoxyl at some point. It seems that, since I started this med for the Hashi's in March, so many things have changed: Many symtoms are gone or lessened, like the major fatigue that has prevented me from staying awake past 9 pm for months, feeling like I had a fever all of the time, having a sore throat all of the time. My anxiety levels, even coming off Lexapro (today starts the alternating of 0 mg and 5 mg for two weeks - then I am off it), are not nearly as bad (then again, I have learned how to manage stress much, much better. The symptoms are still present on very high-stress days [of course, which sends me into a mini-panic until I can talk myself out of it], but are more manageable without meds.). I have gotten three visits from the Red Storm in four months - completely UNHEARD OF for me, except when on BPCs. I feel physically more like I used to prior to TTC #2 in July 2005, with the added bonus (so far, anyway) of being on a "regular schedule." And, let's not forget this wonderful, clear ovulation I just had! This was something I longed for in my entire infertile life - even if the cycle is a bust. I aways wanted to have just one cycle where I could hope that my body worked, and not have to be on meds to produce the ovulation. It is a wonderful feeling for me, for the first time in my almost 35 years on this planet, to finally feel what it is like to have my body do what it was supposed to do! I feel not as broken anymore...

...I just hope that, if this cycle is, in fact, a bust, that the next cycle will produce an earlier ovulation on Clomid.

There are some other, more "karma" things going on lately that seem to be falling into place:

My St. Gerard candle that Hubby bought me in October 2006 from the St. Gerard Feast just WILL NOT LIGHT ANYMORE. My candle, pictured here with my St. Gerard statue in October 2006:



blows out every time I try to light it now. This candle has been lit more times I could ever count: on terraversaries, during my yoga sessions, when others needed prayers, just when I needed to light it. Now, even though there is still wax and a wick visable at the bottom (about an inch or so), it blows out the second I light it. Of course, the candle could be blowing out because there is not enough oxygen available to burn at the bottom of such a tall, glass-encased candle (science is a wonderful thing, isn't it?). But, could I have used up the prayers this candle had to offer? I feel like I should make the donation to St. Lucy's for a new one, and hold onto this one.

Christopher keeps mentioning he wants a baby brother. From time to time, we talk about wanting to have another child with him and how his angel siblings watch over us - not that he really understands it, but since Angelina is here now, it was a good time to introduce him to the idea of another baby in our house. Whenever the topic comes up, he always mentions wanting a baby brother, not a baby sister. And, he is emphatic about it. He was so, so empathetic towards me when I was going through the last two miscarriages, sometimes I wonder if he knows more than I do. I do believe that good spirits live in our house (those of Hubby's great-grandfather and great-grandmother) - maybe there are more around than we first thought, and they communicate with Chris? He seems to have a special intuition too...

My butterflies are back on my walks. Back in September, I posted Why do Butterflies follow me? They are always playing in the same patterns: One playing alone, two playing together, and three playing together. Hubby is seeing a woman who does hypnosis and alternative therapies, in addition to seeing the new counselor (who is really helping him!). He had mentioned to her last week about my experiences with the butterflies, and she feels they are sending me a message - one that I know, but needs reinforcing. She believes in these messages, and feels I need to listen. She indicated to Hubby that she would like to talk to me about it - she knows someone with similar experiences and messages. I have not opened up that line of communication yet, though.

I just cannot shake the idea that June was the RIGHT month to start TTC - regardless of the outcome of this cycle. A strong, clear ovulation - one that I never really had unless on meds except for the one time in August 2004 after Chris was born (and resulted in my very first m/c - but, even that ovulation wasn't as strong as this one) - was given to us as a gift, a miracle. It was SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO YOUR BODY strong (CM, OPK's, physical symptoms and strong ovulation pains matching perfectly). Maybe this Miracles bracelet I wear every day is really doing something? This ovulation was given to us right in line with my intuition about June - an intuition that is as strong as it was when I second-guessed my decision to TTC in my September 2005 cycle (I just knew something was going to be wrong with that cycle, yet my impatient self went on with it and my second m/c resulted from that decision). How could we not take advantage of that gift?

Hubby and I felt such a connection this past weekend - like the one we had when we first met, the one we had when we married, the one we had when Chris was conceived, the one we had when Chris was born. That connection - that deep bond, that sense of things being right and perfect - just wasn't there in the two years since we started TTC #2. (This is not to saw our marriage was strained to the point of breaking apart - although, I guess it was strained a bit as I tried to sort through my feelings after my miscarriages. What I am talking here about is the overwhelming sense of things feeling " just right.") We looked at each other and just knew it was right to try, despite our conversation earlier that day about using birth control. We lived in that moment. We cried together, like we did when Chris came into the world. It was special, simply put.

There are more "karma" things going on, I just can't remember them all at the moment (plus, I really need to get some work done here... Oi! Talk about playing hookie!). Strange how a "plan" comes together...

...and it feels right.

Of course, I am nervous about what is to come... I would be lying if I said otherwise. Specifically, if we get a BFP out of this, will I miscarry again? But, even knowing that miscarriage will always be a possibility for me, I am not stressing about the outcome as I have in the past with TTC #2. I have worked hard to start treatment for my medical issues, I am eating well, excerising regularly, living happy. In a way, I feel somewhat "blissfully ignorant" about this cycle - despite knowing I need to start testing as early as possible so that if I do end up pregnant, my Levoxyl doseage can be upped immediately for the best chances of a pregnancy being successful. I feel like my emotions and the science behind TTC are balanced again. I haven't felt like that since TTC Christopher.

So, for now, I am going to just enjoy life and not worry about this until next week. If I start to worry, then my world has the potential to fall like a house of cards. And, I have worked too hard through therapy, meds and self-exploration to allow that to happen again!

Of course, positive vibes are always welcome... :)

What would you do??

I am on CD 18. Guess what I got this morning???









Take a guess!









Something I never expected to see without meds....









I am without words...and so is Hubby, who took the pic to save this special moment for me!














Holy Cow! Yippeee!!! That is the most positive OPK I have ever seen since the TTC cycle that brought Chris into our lives!

I am utter shock at the moment. Although, I probably shouldn't be too surprised because I had EWCM for three days now. But, I can't judge by CM alone, since it always psychs me out at some point...

Anyways, I am not sure what to do here. Should we DTD? Should we wait?

I am cutting Lexapro back to the 5 mg/0 mg weaning stage starting Tuesday, so I could assume it is safe. I won't be on a full load of meds...

And, I am still so, so drawn, thanks to my intuition, to TTC in June...and things have lined up better with this cycle than the past 2 m/c cycles ever did.

But, I am so afraid to do this too... The only time I ever ovulated on my own (at least that I knew of anyway since charting at all) turned out to be a m/c.

Should I follow my intuition, the butterflies who are back dancing when I walk during lunch, and the four-leaf clover I found in my lawn while pruning Mommy's Garden on Thursday night:



and just go for it? Or, should we wait it out, knowing that at least I will have a new cycle by the end of the month and start the Clomid/IUI then??

I wish I knew what to do...

ETA:

Here is my OPK from 4 pm today...



Actually, more positive than the one I did this morning at 8 am... Yipee!

ETA #2

Got this at 8 am this morning...



I still can't believe my body finally figured out for once what it is supposed to do!

Isn't it ironic....

Don't you think?

So many of us blog about not being able to have children, whether it be because of infertility issues, miscarriage or a combination of the two... whether it be our first child or seventh we are trying to conceive...

Well, how ironic is this story for all of us, which I saw on Good Morning America before heading into work this morning:

Cash for Kids: Japan's Employers Offer 'Baby Bonuses'

Apparently, Japan is facing a rapidly aging and now shrinking population - the number of elderly citizens is surpassing the number of children being born. This is mainly attributed to the rising costs of raising their young (well, hell, we have that too!) and career goals/lifestyle of child-bearing-aged women.

I can't shake the feeling that this news story is beginning to parallel the measures society was taking in the book Children of Men (see my post on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade #2: Children of Men, with links to the Barren Bitches Book Brigade tours) - they are taking "extreme measures" to try to ensure the population does not die off.

See, Mel, how your book tour is transcending your initial hopes of infertility education!

The Japanese government and many private industries are beginning to make parenthood a "lucrative" proposition...paying a few hundred dollars to the couple who has one child, and upwards of $40,000 for five or more children!

Hell, with that kind of cash, I could take almost a full year off of work!

But, what is the United States doing wrong??? There are so many of us who desperately want a child, and we are fighting like hell for someone to cover it. I am in a very small minority with my infertility coverage: My employers pay for by health benefits 100% (not only for me, but for Hubby and for Chris), and that coverage has extensive IF coverage (six medicated IUI's per successful pregnancy, 4 IVF cycles lifetime, managed-care high-risk pregnancy programs). The chances of me having to mortgage my life to have a child are few - and I am forever grateful for that.

But, imagine living in a country where they would PAY for the infertility treatments?!?! I think there would be a huge wave of US immigrants to Japan for coverage like that!

And, let's not also forget to mention the benefits Japanese companies are adding on AFTER the child is born: free on-site daycare (emphasis on the free here), longer maternity leave, in addition to the money they are paying to have the child in the first place.

Again, I am lucky because my mom and MIL watch Chris while I am at work, so I don't have to worry about who is caring for my child and how much it will cost - but, yet again, I am in the minority here.

Oh, I was also able to take three months maternity leave on full pay because the policy here is you have to use all of your sick time before going on disability - and I had three months worth of sick days to blow through. But, next time I need to take maternity leave (how optomistic is that statement!), I won't be so lucky - I don't have 5+ years worth of sick time accrued now.

It is sad that these women (and men, since it does take two to tango) don't want children - but, I do have to give them credit for being honest about their decision and not having children just because society says so. I think their honesty in that decision could have a positive affect on the youth in the long run...

Isn't it ironic...

Don't you think?

Damn it, Anxiety! I will NOT let you win!

So, I am down to 5 mg Lexapro solid right now...and I start coming off completely next Tuesday.

...Except, I am now starting to get physical glimpses of how the anxiety affected me all of 2006... I am getting that sore throat, that achy feeling all over my body, the stomach tightening, the racing heart. It is not as bad as it was...

....But, I am not happy about it, as you can well imagine.

I am determined to NOT let anxiety win this time. Damn it, I worked too hard to heal. I worked too hard to accept my life as it is. I have worked too hard to get to a comfortable place with TTC again.

Damn it, Anxiety! I will NOT let you win this time!

Come hell or high water, I will be off Lexapro. I will get to TTC again. I want this now more than ever. I deserve another chance, even if it doesn't work out in the end. I am finally ready to try again, and I want my chance!

I bought my OPK's (the 20-strip Answer package, just to see if I might be ovulating on my own for a change) and HPT's (just for the hell of it...although those I will hoard until the actual TTC cycle). I faxed over the go-ahead to Dr. D last week. I am emotionally ready...

...Just trying to kick the physical me into shape!

The first step-down from Lexapro is complete

Well, I am holding a mini-"graduation" of sorts this week...

I am officially down to 5 mg Lexapro - my dosage of 10 mg is now cut in half from when I started it in December.

And, you know what? I feel pretty good - despite still being sick (uh, how long is Levaquin supposed to take to work, anyway???) and finally seeing the Lady in Red off for (hopefully) another month.

Not bad!

I got through so many gatherings, working on the garden, the workload from hell here at my job, being sick and having AF (and the insomnia that accompanies her) over the past few weeks without being off my rocker (or, as Hubby puts it, not being homocidal). No anxiety, no worries (okay, minimal worries, really). It is a nice change to be "normal" again... It's been a very long time: two years come July, actually, when I got on the ride to TTC #2 in July 2005. I know now that this was when I lost my footing...and my m/c's after that is what finally made me completely fall down.

Funny that we are hoping to get back on in June/July, all things considering. I just can't shake that instinct to proceed...

Hubby and I agreed to purchase those dreaded OPK's because, well, if I am going to get visited more often by AF (go Levoxyl! You rock!), I probably should do something to check to see if I might actually be ovulating. Right? I do refuse to temp - that is out of the question. And, I tried my hand at checking CM again and, well, that was just futile. So, I will try the OPK's this cycle just to check. But, we will hold off on the actual TTC until the next cycle starts (if my thryroid check comes back good, that is) and then start the ovulation induction/IUI game again.

PARTY!!!

Buuutttt, here's my newest thing to worry about, though.

Dr. D is going to start hating me soon, I fear, for double-checking everything...

Some of my bloodwork came back from last week - specifically for the Anticardiolipin AB levels. Here are the current levels:

Anticardiolipin AB, IgG (the one I am worrying about):

• 7 on 5/9/06 (negative below 10)
• 13 on 5/23/07 (which puts me in the Indeterminate level pf 11-19 - not positive by any means, yet not negative)

Anticardiolipin AB, IgM:

• 9 on 5/9/06 (negative below 10 - this is the level I was originally questioning)
• 6 on 5/23/07 (negative below 10)

Anticardiolipin AB, IgA:

• below 6 on 5/9/06 (0-12 considered normal)
• 6 on 5/23/07 (0-12 considered normal)

So, is this something I need to worry about now? I already have a clotting-like disorder. Should I fax this over to Dr. D and press on this? My understanding is that these can fluctuate on any given day, and that we would have to monitor for increases. Am I right on that?

Anyone? Anyone?

(Insert STOP OBSESSING HERE! I have to use my head and stop it.)

I don't want to obsess...so any input is appreciated on this one.

Whish, whish... Ring, Ring...

Do any of you hear this sound????

Whish, whish...

Ring, Ring...

Whish, whish...

Ring, Ring...

Well, that is about all I hear in my right ear right now. Lovely, no?

I have been sick with Chris' cold since last Tuesday - yep, a full week of this crap, and I don't see it getting any better on it's own. Luckily for me, I need not suffer alone: My MIL, FIL and Hubby's grandmother all have it too.

How is Chris, you ask? Well, relatively fine except for a minor cough here and there (only lasted for him about 4 days...although he likes to "pretend" that he still is when I get in the middle of a hacking session - how's that for empathy!).

So, I am off to the doctor's today to see if he can help. My head is so plugged up, as is my right ear, and I am still achy, cold, and exhausted.

SUCKS!!!

And, I am at work.

Double SUCKS!!!

But, I did have a good laugh for myself over the weekend. We had a yard load of company yesterday after Chris' parade debut for the nursery school he is in and I ended up timing my 24-hour urine test to check my iodine levels (yep, this was MY request - what a moron!) on the same day. Have you ever had to explain why there was a cooler in the bathroom before?? It was highly embarassing to have to tell people who asked about it that I had to pee in a container and then chill it for 24 hours so the lab could run the test. Then again, I guess I shouldn't be that embarassed about it...they were dumb enough to ask!

Hopefully Dr. McC can DO something for this!

Oh, did I mention that The Lady in Red is still here too? I am happy - really - because I have managed to go through a bag of maxi pads in less than 2 months. Quite the record for someone who normally doesn't have to invest in them more than twice a year. But, well, the timing just triple sucks. But, I'll take it!

ETA: The verdict is in: Sinus infection and double ear infection! Just haven't started feeling anything yet in the left ear! Lovely. So, I am on Levaquin for 5 days and Nasonex to try to relieve the congestion. So far, they have done zippola in the feeling better department... Impatient, no?

Christopher Fridays: One of the reasons I want to do this all over again

Dawn over at Back to Square One mentioned in her 10 Months post on May 19th

"Sometimes I still can't believe they are mine."

Well, I was home sick yesterday (with Christopher's cold from last Friday), and I had one of those rare instances where I could really sleep in. When I woke up to take my DayQuil, I got to gaze at this...

...very happily...





This time reminded me of this pic:



...one of the first I took of him sleeping peacefully in with us.

Makes me wonder what this pic will look like when Chris is 15 years old and big enough to be a quarterback... Yipes!

There ARE times when I still can't believe he is mine.

...And, this is one of the reasons I am willing to put myself through so much to do it all over again.

The things they never tell you when TTC a child

It is 7:09 am...

Wanna guess what I am doing right now???

Take a guess...

Well, okay, okay, besides posting here...

...And watching GMA...

Oh, and updating my FF chart (can you believe AF is on her way again! WooHoo!)...

It won't be what you think...







Did you know there are over 3,000 ways posted on Google to remove the glue from the label on a 2 liter soda bottle???

Yep, I am trying to remove that freakin' glue from the label of a 2 liter soda bottle right now...

Oh, now, and at 11:00 pm last night...

Aaaand, not to mention, several parts of the day on Monday...



What in the hell does Coca Cola and Pepsi USE on these freakin bottles??? Why can't Band-Aids stay on like this???

I have soaked this fucking bottle in Dawn and hot water, used nail polish remover, pure acetone, Skin-So-Soft....and my MIL just suggested peanut butter (the chunky kind!). It is FINALLY coming off!

I feel like I have carpel tunnel syndrome now.


This is for a NURSERY SCHOOL project for Chris! A two-day a week nursery school! I just CAN'T WAIT for kindergarten!

Ah, the things no one tells you when you are TTC a child...

Anyone got any other stories like this?

Major, MAJOR rant ahead about unwarrented "advice"

Well, I have a major rant to post... And, luckily for anyone reading this today, I have had about 24 hours to calm down about it - so, the language should be a little less, well, colorful today.

Hubby and I are trying to improve the outside of our house by doing different gardening projects each weekend (yes, yes, I am still going to post about Mommy's Garden...eventually...). so, of course, projects like this require multiple trips to gardening centers, home improvement stores, etc., etc. Yesterday morning, our "mission" was to get additional mulch for the garden, look at new sheds and buy railroad-tie-like pieces of wood to designate the flower beds that we are planting in the front and side of our house. Easy trip, no? Well, yes...




...Until you run into someone you don't even know who has "advice" to offer....on something COMPLETELY unrelated to gardening!

When we arrived at Lowe's, we managed to find one of those nifty race-car carts - Chris loved it the second he saw it (usually the are all taken - we stalked a family who was leaving for it), grabbing the play steering wheel before we could get his feet inside the cart. Once we got him buckeled in, I put his travel bag next to him (the cart is designed for two kids), gave him his drink and told Hubby to head into the store - I would follow as soon as I looked at the flowers outside the store (I was looking for additional Aster's). I looked around a bit, didn't see the Aster's, then decided to go inside to find the boys...

As I entered the garden center, this older woman stops me and asks, "Was that your son with your husband in the cart?"

Uh, well, could have been mine I suppose... There were A LOT of families in the garden center at eleven o'clock in the morning!

So, I resonded with "I suppose, although there are a lot of husbands with kids in the store right now. Why?"

"Oh, sure, well, is your son autistic?" she asked.

My jaw literally hit the floor. I was looking around quickly for a stong shovel to pick it up!

What the HELL kind of question is that to ask someone when 1) she isn't sure the child she is talking about is even mine and 2) she doesn't know us!

I asked her, "So, why exactly do you think he has autism?"

She responded, "Well, my neice's son is autistic. Your son was doing a behavior that her son displays."

Now, I know what behavior she is talking about - that is the hand flapping he does when he gets excited. But, hand flapping is a SECONDARY sign, not a primary. I have read several resources for signs (not to mention, I did study childhood psych in college...): His verbal HAS NOT regressed (he is improving constantly, although is still a little behind for his age), he is MORE THAN affectionate, he looks you right in the eye when spoken to or addressed, he follows commands easily...the list can go on. So freakin' what if he hand flaps when he gets excited! There is a HELL of a lot to see in a garden store, moron!

And, since starting nursery school, that behavior is getting less and less prominent...

So, still trying to shake the shock a bit, I asker her, "Uh, just how old do you think my son is?"

She responded, "Oh, four or five?"

"Try, he just turned three just two weeks ago."

"Oh, well."

"And," I replied, "my son is not autistic."

"Oh, sorry. I just wanted to try to give you some advice," she responded.

I walked away after that and went into the store to find my well-behaved, happy to see me son. If I had not, I probably really would have laid into her in the middle of the store.

What the HELL was this woman thinking? Does she go up to children in wheel chairs and ask their parents "was this from birth or a car accident?" Who is she to give advice based on her neice's son being autistic? I don't need her - a complete stranger - to give me advice on autism when I know people who's children are. If I had questions, I would turn to them and our doctors, not a stranger.

Who in the hell does she think she is???

I can't imagine what other families go through when their child is in fact autistic, or have other disabilities. People are so freakin stupid....in the "name" of "intelligence."

Now, I am waiting for an eval to be done - for speech - in August (that is a whole other rant...). This is a full neurological eval since that is what my ped wants first. If, and I say IF, the do find he is on the spectrum, then we will address it. But, I highly doubt he is - he just needs a push with his speech.

But, it is NOT this woman's business if he IS!

On a humorous note, a friend of ours stopped over at our house later on in the day (well after this incident) and he said it was too bad I didn't think fast enough on my feet. I asked him why, and he said I should have said to her:

"No, my son isn't autistic. But, I have Tourette's - FUCK YOU!"

Too bad I didn't think of that.

Looking for a Crystal Ball

Well, in between my work-load here at my job and redesigning the outside of our house (the Mommy's Garden post is coming soon!), I am trying to mentally and physically prepare for TTC again...

We are still on target for June/July - for right now anyway. But, of course, it is still up in the air until I get my two-month thyroid panel check done (I am going to the lab on Saturday morning and should have results sometime next week). I feel like the human pin cushion these days: I am trying to get my medical ducks in a row, making sure that everything I have been tested for that was questionable is being checked again - I don't (or better, can't) want to be blindsided again. Here is what I am waiting for or working on with my docs:

1. Two-month thyroid panel check to see if the Levoxyl is doing what is should be doing. My TSH needs to be below 2.0, so I am really hoping it is now. Most of my symptoms (except for the extreme tired at night) are gone...so that is a good sign.
   
2. With the thyroid check, Dr. S is also checking my iodine levels. Iodine is very important (especially in PG with a thyroid condition) and since I don't add a lot of salt to my food and I don't drink tap water, I want to make sure my levels are adequate. She agreed and it they are lower than they should be, she will suppliment.
   
3. I am scheduling an appointment with an ENT to see if the reason I have been getting dizzy so often since 7/06 is due to an inner-ear issue. It could be thyroid related, but I want to check it anyway. It is getting very bothersome.
   
4. I had another lower-lumbar x-ray done yesterday because my lower back has been really bad again. The x-ray showed no further deterioration in the degenerative disc I have in my lower back (that was found around 5/03) - which is good. But, I am still in pain from it. Dr. McC offered to prescribe prescription pain meds for it - but, I just don't want to take any more meds now (especially prescription pain meds!), so I am going to suck it up for now...
5. I am starting the process of coming off Lexapro. I have to alternate 10 mg and 5 mg for two weeks, then stay on 5 mg for 2 weeks, then alternate 5mg and none for two weeks. After that, I stop completely. So, I should be off Lexapro by the last week of June. So far, I seem okay with it - but, this is only my second day on the half-dose...
   
6. I asked Dr. McC to retest my Anticardiolipin AB levels. In my RLP from 5/06, I found that my Anticardiolipin AB IgM was 9 - the intermediate "danger" level starts at 10. He agreed that it was too close (even though Dr. D did not see a problem with it at the time), and is retesting. Since I already have the homozygous MTHFR going on, I want to make sure this is checked again. Not sure what it means yet if the level went up... Anyone?
7. Once I am cleared with all of this, I just have to make the decision of Clomid vs. injectables. I want Dr. D's opinion on what he thinks would work best (we have to meet again to discuss protocol again) - really, putting the ball back in his court because there are pros and cons to both and I just don't want to do (or, better put, I can't allow myself to obsess about it).
   

The good thing is with the prospect of TTC again: I am not obsessing (**yet** - you just never know in this game of chance). I am thinking about TTC in a much healthier way than I was in 2005/2006. I just hope that continues once I am off the Lexapro - I am a worrier by nature, after all.

I just wish I had a crystal ball - to see into the future a bit and get a sense of how things will pan out... I have this need to prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. Sucks, doesn't it, that we will never know until the day arrives?? That is life's uncertainty - the uncertainty I hate.

Crystal Ball
by Styx

I used to like to walk the straight and narrow line
I used to think that everything was fine
Sometimes I'd like to sit and gaze for days through sleepless dreams
All alone and trapped in time
All alone and trapped in time

I wonder what tomorrow has in mind for me
Or am I even in it's mind at all?
Perhaps I'll get a chance to look ahead and see
Soon as I find myself a crystal ball
Soon as I find myself a crystal ball

Tell me, tell me where I'm going
I don't know where I've been
Tell me, tell me, won't you tell me
And then tell me again
My heart is breaking, my body's aching
And I don't know where to go
Tell me, tell me, won't you tell me
I've just got to know

Crystal ball
There's so many things I need to know
Crystal ball
There's so many things I've got to know
Crystal ball

[extra verse used occasionally live]
If you should see me walking
Through your dreams at night
Would you please direct me
Where I ought to be
I've been looking for a crystal ball
To shed the light
To find a future in me...
To find a future in me...

Crystal ball
There's so many things I need to know
Crystal ball
There's so many things I've got to know
Crystal ball

My Blogs of Note: May 2007

Mel over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters had a great feature on May 4th called Name That Blogger and Thank Her in which you read her description of the blog and you try to guess which blog it is. I got 5 out of 12 right - not bad for a blogger who doesn't always get to post - and get to post this on my blog now:



HeeeHeee! I feel like a kid again!!!

Melissa: Hope you do this often! Really keeps us on our toes and reading!

Anyways, I decided that, based on Melissa's idea, each month I am going to write a special post about a blog I have linked in my ever-growing sidebar (if you note, I added a new section on Mommy's Garden - post will be up soon about my new "little" endeavor). I am going to write why I link to that blog and why that person may need the extra support right now. I hope that anyone who reads this post each month might share the love you have given me over the past year or so...

Today's "innaugural" post will be for one of my BG members (Dianne) whose Leah Ann was born to heaven on October 5, 2006. Dianne's blog is It's My Life.

Di is new to blogging here on Blogger (although she had one on MySpace for a while) - so, she is just learning the "ropes" of it. But, she is not new to infertility and pregnancy loss. She was a huge support through my own losses, and I would like to see her get some support in return. Leah was born too soon due to a cord accident: Her umbilical cord was wrapped tightly around her tiny little neck four times. Leah's loss has been devastating, to say the least, especially because everyone has forgotten seven months later, except for her. Di has been TTC again and she just went through another failed cycle (sorry, Di - I was soooo hoping that was not going to be the case). She could use some support right now - for the failed cycles, but more importantly, for her loss of Leah. It is hard to work through loss alone.

I hope some of you could pop over and give her some support.

Christopher Fridays: Family

I wanted to get back to the Christopher Friday posts (and, what better way to do that when working from home! Less interruptions!). Here's to getting back to the weekly uplifts!

We have a "dirtly" little habit in our house....















Chris does NOT fall asleep on his own.

I know, I know... It is probably a bad thing that could bite us in the ass later on. BUT, it is our time to unwind with each other as a family - especially since I work outside the home (with rate exceptions like today).

So, after bathtime, we all curl up on our bed, read one or two stories with a small bottle (oh, yes, secret #2 - but Chris does brush after it) and when we are done, Chris announces "lights out!" and we all snuggle for a while. Sometimes I head downstairs for yoga time, sometimes I fall asleep (which is bad because on occasion, I fall asleep with my contacts in). It is just a nice bonding time for all of us - a special time to be with each other, share our day, and be silly or quiet while falling asleep.

Joke is on us, though - Chris does fall asleep for the grandmothers on his own...

Anyways, during this ritual of ours, Chris has been known to make Hubby and I kiss. He started doing that about a year ago - Chris is in the middle of us, and he grabs our heads and pushes us together to make us kiss. It is too cute when he does it - although we are not sure why he does it. But, it is nice just the same, and we always take him up on his offer.

The new thing he started doing yesterday is an extension of his making us kiss.

Now, he likes to grab anyone in the family and hug them while shouting, "Ah, FAMILY!"

I love it. And, I am happy for him that he has such a strong sense of what family means at such a young age. I don't recall having that at that age - and I know I really don't with my family now (with exception of my mom). It is so good for him to have that family bond - he will always have someone there for him, and he can grow up strong knowing that.

Today Show segment on Miscarriage

Someone on Fertility Friend posted a link to the Today Show segment from yesterday on miscarriage, in their series "I wanna have a baby!"

The segment (linked here) was, for me, not that informative medically since I have had the full Recurrent Loss Panels done - however, it was very validating of my feelings going through my own miscarriages.

It is an excellent segment for family, friends and those in the medical profession on HOW miscarriage should be handled. My doc is very similar to the doc featured in the segment (and my doc is not an RE) - I am lucky because even to this doc, there are too many doctors out there who either don't have the time to run the testing or are just not educated enough on the need for it.

I hope everyone can spread the word on this segment -- it is too good to pass by.

National Anxiety & Depression Awareness Week

May is Mental Health Month, celebrated throughout the country to raise awareness of mental illness and educate Americans about ways to find help if they think they may be suffering from a mental health problem. During the week of May 6-12, the ADAA and other mental health groups recognize Anxiety & Depression Awareness Week.

Opening up a dialogue about anxiety and depressiong is an important first step on the road to recovery. Below are tips from the ADAA for asking for help if you suffer from an anxiety disorder, and tips for helping someone you love.

Asking for Help

• While it may be difficult, be open and honest with your loved ones. They may not understand, but that doesn't mean they can't be helpful.
• If you're not comfortable talking about your problem, try describing your thoughts and feelings in a letter. It's a great way to open up communications.
• Try to explain what you experience in a way your loved ones can relate. For example, you might say, imagine crossing a busy intersection and suddenly seeing a speeding car barreling towards you. Think about how you would feel, how you would react. Then ask the person to imagine having those very same feelings while waiting in line to buy groceries, driving over a bridge on a sunny day or pricking up a phone to call a friend.
• When you need help, don't assume your loved one knows what you need. Be specific.
• Explain that the help you need may change from one time to the next. Such is the nature of the problem and should not be taken as a personal rejection.
• Work together to remain in situations until your levels of anxiety subside. If you must leave, try to go back as soon as possible.
• Ask your loved one to support you in feeling good about what you did do, not bad about what you did not do.
• Share your triumphs, no matter how small.
• Remind those trying to help that anxiety disorders are real, serious and treatable medical conditions. Having one is not a sign of weakness or lack of moral fiber.

Helping Someone You Love

• Recognize that the irrational feelings and thoughts experienced by someone with an anxiety disorder are different than the normal fear and anxiety responses that everyone feels from time to time.
• Acknowledge that you don't understand if you've never personally experienced a panic attack or other form of irrational anxiety.
• Appreciate that your loved one is aware that the thoughts and feelings are irrational, but feels powerless to stop them.
• Help set specific goals that can be approached one step at a time.
• Don't assume that you know what is needed. Ask how you can help. Listen carefully to the response.
• Accept that what may be helpful one time may not be the next. Don't take it personally. It's the nature of the disorder.
• Aim for positive reinforcement rather than judgment, criticism or blame.
• Understand that knowing when to be patient and when to push can be challenging. It's a fine line. Achieving the proper balance often requires trial and error.
• Remember, recovery requires hard work on the part of the individual, and patience on the part of the family. It may seem like a slow process, but the rewards are well worth it.

I hope everyone can be open-minded to the seriousness of anxiety and depression - acceptance, tolerance and a willingness to help or just be there are the keys to dealing and conquering it. I am lucky to have so many open-minded people in my life to help me with my own anxiety issues - but not everyone is as lucky.

Please remember someone suffering from anxiety or depression could be a sibling, a parent, a child, a friend, or a complete stranger on a train, restaurant or doctor's office. We suffer in silence - most of the time not realizing why we are suffering - until we are strong enough to acklowledge the problem. It took me almost a year before I was able to recognize my Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It should have not taken that long since others saw it before me.

Please remember words hurt - even if you are not aware you are saying something "wrong." If you have any idea that someone you are close to is suffering, just ask. Maybe you can save someone time in recovering.

A Happy Anniversary (of sorts) for my 200th Post!

I wanted to post my 200th post on May 4th, but work kinda got in the way of that... Humph! I gotta do something about work interfering with the important stuff...

Anyways, I wanted my 200th post to be special - so what better way to do that than to wish my Christopher a Happy 3rd Birthday!! Couldn't make for a better Anniversary, now could it? (for a change!) It was so nice to remember on Friday a time that was much happier in our lives - not clouded by the babies we have since lost. It was fun to be in my kitchen baking Chris' special birthday cake right at the time he was being born three years ago (1:13 pm). It was the best to have a little cake just for him Friday night before his big birthday bash the next day and snuggle up later that night while putting him to bed. This is the first year he will really understand what it means to have a birthday party...and I wanted to make it as special as I could for him for so many reasons. I wanted this party to be a cleansing, of sorts - to start off a time of stress while TTC with a better mind-set for all of us, maybe making the path to adding to our family a little bit better this time around...

We'll see...

So, in honor of Chris' birthday and the cleansing of our spirits at home, I am posting pics from Chris' Birthday Bash on Saturday... Enjoy!

The invitation pic that started the festivities off (we had parents calling asking of funny headgear was required with this pic):


The "arrival" of the guest-of-honor (or, better put, chomping on chips post-2 1/2 hour nap - soooo glad I set the start time for 3 pm so all kids could nap before the party!):

Props to CooKoo Anty for making the Diego vest for Chris - unfortunately, he only kept it on for about ten minutes.

Getting wet and messy by the sand and water table:


The Great Balloon-Break of 2007 (Chris loves balloons), followed by the Diego Pinata (which I have to find a pic of...will add that one later after I remove the big-ass pics of the mommies!):


Post Great Balloon-Break (gotta love those motorized bubble makers! Entertains for hours!):


FISH!


Angelina makes her appearance (sorry for the fuzzy pic - Hubby took this one). I can't believe Chris was ever this tiny!


My "Masterpiece" - AKA, Chris' cake:


A series of pics demonstrating why cupcakes are always great at kids' parties:










A man and his cake - It's a wonderful thing! (Chris dragged a chair from one of the other tables up to his cake so he could eat it by himself!)




My yard: Single-handedly keeping the makers of Tide in business:


...And, finally, Mommy and Daddy's present the day after the party (so there was no fighting over who got to drive):


I am apparently making cakes of children's parties by request now... My Godson insisted that I make his John Deere cake for his June 2nd party. Will post pics of that cake when I make it.

A Pediatrician rant and getting back on the TTC horse...

Yesterday was one of THOSE days....and I ended up having to take a Xanex last night before bed because the pressure began to be too much to sleep off. Feel like a crumb for having to have taken it - I hadn't taken a Xanex in 2 weeks. I probably could have gone without it if I had really tried, but to be on the safe side and NOT feel worse, I took it.

Which leaves me the problem of how the hell am I going to be able to TTC in June/July (or TTC at all) if I still need to take Xanex here and there?

This sucks.

Anyways, on to the many reasons WHY of why I took the Xanex last night...

We had Chris' three-year check-up yesterday morning. Chris, being 98% daddy and 2% me, has a huge FEAR of the pediatrician (better yet, ANY PERSON involved in the medical profession: Nurses, lab techs, receptionists...anyone in scrubs!). Also being 98% daddy and 2% me, he KNOWS the pediatrician's building and starts crying the second he sees it from the car (light, a light away).

...Guess you can see where this is going, right?

Every trip is an adventure in anxiety and panic - for him and us.

MIL rode over with me because I wasn't sure if DH would make it (and we need 2 people in the room to calm him down and hold him down for vaccinations). After getting stuck in traffic, making us 10 minutes late for his appointment, we approached the intersection where the office building is. Chris was fine the entire time, throught the traffic - until he saw the building. Of course, the crying and breathing hard started from the back seat - mind you, this is not a temper tantrum, but a true fear of the office (which has since translated into fear of elevators and any building that may look like the pediatrician's building). We parked and got him out of the car - as we started to walk towards the building, Chris started crying harder and saying "No!!!" over and over again as he dragged his feet.

People must have been talking about us as they passed in their cars...

Poor thing - I feel like I am sentancing him to the electric chair every time we go there.

He cried all the way into the building, up the stairs, through the hallway and into the waiting room. After I signed in, Chris calmed down a little bit -- after I dragged out his toy school bus and some cars. Daddy then showed up - making us look like a fleet of worry-warts to the others in the waiting room. He was able to get Chris even more calmed down, to the point of laughing a bit.

...Then the nurse called his name, and the water-works began yet again.

We got in the room, and the nurse does the usual intake questions: Any concerns we have, vaccines he will be getting, height and weight. The nurse was very nice - and new! So, she actually attempted to calm him down - which she did long enough to get his height and weight done (40 inches tall and 47 lbs!! It's no wonder I can't lift him anymore!). After that was done, we waited for the doctor. Normally, we are asked if we have a preference of doctor: Dr. M (the older, male doctor Hubby had as a teenager) or Dr. A (younger female doctor). We usually like Dr. M because of experience and history of knowing the family. But, Dr. A was the only one there yesteday morning.

When the doctor (Dr. A) came in, Chris started up again. Immediately, she seemed annoyed. She started out explaining which vaccines he was getting and ask us what questions we had - MISTAKE #1. She should have gone over questions AFTER the actual exam so MIL could have shuttled Chris out the door. I went through my list: Potty training (not much info given so not much help there), speech (yet again, not much info give, and was told to wait about seeking an evan for another month or so) and allergies (just given a script for Clarinex - based on our story of allergies. WTF is that supposed to mean?). I pushed a little bit more on the speech issue - so, she gave me a phone number for a pediatric neurologist. More on that later.

After my questions were "answered," she did her exam - at which point Chris really started screaming and crying. Amidst the crying, she makes a comment "Does he always give you temper tantrums like this at home?" MISTAKE #2.

I told her he DOES NOT give us temper tantrums at all - that his is a FEAR of the doc's office! WTF? It is quite clear he is scared to death of coming here - wouldn't you if you were little and having to get shots?

After she was done with the exam, she was very rushed with us, trying to get to the next patient. We put Chris' shoes back on and as we were leaving, she made a comment that only my MIL heard and told me later on last night, "Now, that was over the top!" MISTAKE #3.

Over the top? My child is deathly afraid of you, and you think he is having a temper tantrum? How about you STOP explaining that this is his check-up and make an attempt at engaging him a little bit? If we had Dr. M in there, he would have been playing with the balloons my MIL was blowing up behind the doc's back to try to make him laugh. I guess we were just the circus in town trying to get Chris to calm down.

Someone told me once that smart kids cry when they go to the doctor - Chris better win a Nobel Prize when he gets older!

So, I called the pediatric neurologist - not waiting the month she suggested because Chris ends nursery school for the summer in June and I would like to see improvement vs. waiting for improvement in his speech in the fall when nursery school starts again - and the receptionist told me that I was calling the wrong place. If it was only speech we were concerned with, then we just needed speech pathology.

Sooooo, Hubby was calling Dr. M's office back this morning to talk directly to him about Chris' speech AND how we were treated yesterday. I know Chris is hard to handle with his fears - but at least make an attempt!

After the appointment was over, I drove Chris and my MIL home and left for work. When I got to work, it was downhill from there: Slammed with more travel reservations for a workshop we are running in South Africa in June (did I mention we have added Travel Agent to my job duties???), an ornery participant who didn't want to shell out the price for airfare and wanted us to make the reservations yet was not happy with the reservations he was getting, and trying to get other work done before my boss gets back tomorrow from his trip. Amongst that, Dr. D's office calls and says (in response to a message Hubby left for them last week about questions with TTC - isn't Hubby a dear for calling with his own concerns!) that he will not consider doing anything with TTC until I am done with Dr. S and the Thyroid appears to be under control.

Not what I needed yesterday.

Luckily, I am posting this today - I probably would have been waaaay more bitchy about Dr. D's call yesterday.

I was very disappointed with that call yesterday... It seems every time I MIGHT be getting closer to the horse, he bucks away. But, I am feeling more logical about it today - and am trying to really use my anxiety methods I have learned from Dr. P to NOT overblow the situation. I know that I cannot TTC until my TSH is below 2.0 - I have the retest around May 23rd (two months after starting Levoxyl). Dr. P answered all of my questions I had (and, yes, the 18 day cycle was probably triggered by the Levoxyl!) and is confident that my TSH will be down from the 3.3-ish it was in mid-March. So, once I get the b/w back, THEN I will know if I can put the saddle back on the horse and contact Dr. D.

Not necessarily a road-block - yet.

So, now I just need to decide the HOW I want to go about TTC again: Clomid or injectables. If you are on Fertility Friend, I posted a poll in the TTC over 12 months board:

What meds should I use in TTC again?

So far, 61% say I should move to injectables...which would mean the IF clinic at the hospital instead of Dr. D doing the cycle. I am still not sure what to do - trust that my body can figure itself out on Clomid now that 1) I weight a hell of a lot less than I did starting out TTC #2 in 7/05 and 2) the Hashi's is being treated and my body is already responding? Or, just push to the next level and ensure a GOOD ovulation from the start? Any ideas to help ease my mind? The cycle is totally up to me - I want to try to trust my body, yet I don't want to waste more time...

One Day

How much do your trust your instincts?

Last week, Melissa over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters asked for entries for her second Blilt: Waiting Blilt. My entry was "I prayed that I saw a BFN."

For a more detailed explanation of of the comment, see my larger entry on Melissa's blog about the cycle that led to my 11/05 m/c:

"When my ovulation was confirmed via ultrasound the day after I ovulated with no signs, I was given the choice to go through with a late IUI or do a natural cycle or abstain completely and wait it out. I turned down the late IUI, but I was on the fence about waiting or a natural cycle. My instincts said wait, but my impatient self said "go natural." So, we went with the natural cycle. As I was in the two week wait, I had this nagging instinct that I had made the wrong decision--I should have waited the cycle out. Of course, my instincts were proven right when I got that BFP then started bleeding shortly after. I should have waited... But, the mixed blessing in this is that I know now why I am miscarrying--had I followed my instincts, would I have found out why I am miscarrying?"

What I should have added to my explanation on her blog is that, when I was in the waiting room with DH for the u/s that confirmed my third m/c in 3/06, I had that same nagging, instinctive feeling again - after I finally allowed myself to feel some joy for the pregnancy - that something just wasn't right. As I sat there, laughing at Hubby as he was drawing funny pictures about the new baby in my notepad I take to doctor's appointments, I just had this feeling that things were going to fall apart again. I tried to squash it - I mean, how could God allow this to happen again to me, right? I tried to laugh with Hubby, Kathy (the nurse) and Dr. D all the way into the u/s room - but I had this monkey on my back that wouldn't let go of my shirt.

...Of course, the instinct was right again - the u/s showed a baby who passed the week before, no heartbeat, no movement.

Which leads me to the question: How much do you trust your instincts?

I ask this because as strong as my instincts were about not following through with the 11/05 m/c cycle and waiting for the u/s that confirmed my 3/06 m/c - my instincts are just as strong now, pushing me to TTC in June/July 2007. This instinct goes way beyond the coincidence of the three 77-day cycles back-to-back I just had (before my last 18-day'er).

Now, July is NOT the optimal time for me to be doing meds, u/s's, b/w, blah, blah, blah to try to get pregnant. I am running two summer programs this summer - the first from 7/18-7/24, the second from 7/19 to 8/4. Since we are not budgeted for a full-time student worker, I have more things to do on my own this year - amongst all of the other crap I have piled on my desk right now (which, by the by, I am ignoring at this very moment because I am not a happy camper with my boss suggesting I make hotel reservations in South Africa for 8 speakers for a conference we are having there in mid-June - uh, I DO NOT want to be responsible for 8 credit cards of people I don't know! Sorry, that idea is going to gets quashed like a BIG bug!). I really can't be out on program days - especially since my docs are over an hour away from my work.

BUT, this feeling won't leave me, just as my other instincts wouldn't leave me either. I keep getting drawn to June/July - like my angels are pushing me towards that time period.

The good side here at work, if I went through with it, is our new Workshop Coordinator is fantastic! So, if I needed someone to cover for me while I am out for a doctor's appointment (which I KNOW there will be many of since I will have to be monitored well in both TTC and PG), I know she can handle it with grace and style (and a great sense of humor) - unlike the last witch who was in the position. I can trust her with my work.

...And, I know my bosses will be supportive of our decision, even if it is not at the optimal time, as long as my work is done. Family comes first, and this is about family.

BUT, what if I miscarry again? Right during the time I am running these programs? I can't fall apart - I have responsibilities here at work and at home.

BUT, what if I ignore my instincts and miss out on what I am being drawn towards??

When Zia and I went to Westfield for our play day a few weeks ago, we went into one of those "earthy" stores where they sell spiritual items like energy bracelets, Tarot cards, meditation CDs, insense, statues, etc. We were looking at the Oracle cards - which are not quite like Tarot cards where they predict your future, but they contain messages of guidance (and, if you believe, the guidance comes from the angels that protect you). I found a set I was drawn to - Healing with the Angels Oracle Cards. My life, after all, has been predominately about healing over the past year, so the deck "called" to me. So, I bought them. I will pick up my set from time to time early in the morning when I think I need some kind of guidance. I don't do this every morning, just once and a while - and it certainly doesn't replace talking to God on my own (it has just become another means of communication for me). There are various ways you can use the cards, but the way I use them is just to pick one card from the stack after shuffling and think about something that is bothering me, or I need to make a decision about.

So, while I was thinking about this nagging instinct I keep having, I picked a card and this is the one that I chose this morning:

Children

Card Meaning: "You are asked to pay extra attention to your children or your inner child right now. New children may be coming into your life very soon."

Uh, wow.

And, my instinct before turning the card over was that it would have something to do with having children.

Of course, all of this blather is all dependant upon my b/w coming up in May to check thyroid levels and whether I can come of Lexapro/Xanex in May - I will not TTC if my b/w still comes back with my hormone levels uncontrolled nor will I TTC if I cannot get off Lexapro/Xanex. So, this instinct might be moot anyway.

I really want to trust this instinct that is driving me to June/July. I have apparently been right before, just not in a positive way. Could this be the change of tide for our family? Should I throw caution to the wind and allow myself to follow the messages and instincts I have?

It is just so hard to trust sometimes...especially when you have so much to lose...