What has been keeping me away? Well, first,
Work!!
Now, I truly love my boss. He has been so very supportive of me, and of us as a family and wanting to deperately add to this family. BUT, the workload - not just for myself, but for almost all of us here - has been just insane. Everything is a priority these days - and everything is an exception. There are no more "standards" in how things are handled any more, so I get slapped with special projects and urgent things constantly. It just feels busier than ever.
But, at least I can say that I have been handling the stress and deadlines with WAAAAY more grace than I have been in the past year - no wanting to bite people's heads off, no bursting out crying in my office, no feeling of pressure in my chest. So, I guess that is a good thing. Haven't even taken my Xanex!
I just don't know how my boss does it - he's my dad's age (63) and I get e-mails from all times of the night of things that need to get done... And, I can't stay awake past 9:30 at night!
Anyways, it feels like the Levoxyl is really taking hold now - some of my symptoms of the Hashi's seem to be fading a bit, like the feeling of a sore/full throat, the constant fatigue day and night (now really only appearing later at night). So, it is nice to be feeling a little better physically. I did fax over to Dr. S my laundry list of questions today I had about treatment now and through pregnancy - including bloodwork back from my RLP that actually showed me boarderline for the antibodies (Dr. D never picked that up, with the 2.910 TSH level). So, we will see what she has to say about my questions. I want to make sure I am doing my best to control this before TTC in the summer.
Hubby is rather depressed lately - his job just sucks right now and he sees no way out of it. I swear his boss is Biopolar and doesn't want to hear that he is: one day, he's Hubby's best friend, the next he's a raving lunatic bitching if I call him just to see how his day is going. (But, we did get a fancy-shmancy new Uniden coardless phone system for the house since he couldn't use it for the office.) Hubby sent out a huge 200-piece mailing of his resume a few weeks ago that was put together by a recruiter, and he has either been on interviews or going to go on interviews - but no offers yet. I am hoping he gets an offer very soon - no matter where it is right now. He really needs to get out of there - so much so that I told him that maybe he could sell his "toys" from when he was in high school/college (things he doesn't look at at all and are stored in tubs at his parents house right now) and if he gets enough money from it, then maybe he could just quit and look for something new. He needs to get out of there before he really let's the guy have it. Hope it is soon - or else I might have to go up to that office and give him some hell myself!
Chris is being a complete nut, as usual. He refuses to talk about school (although I know he is having a good time there), but will talk endlessly about the buses/trucks/fire engines/police cars he sees while in the car. Definitely a guy's guy! Especially since he has figured out how to make himself burp, and then say "Nice Burp! Excuse me!" in the back seat of the car. How lovely. I am still going to ask about speech therapy at his three-year check-up next week - he has improved soooo much with speech, but I think he could use a little more of a push. I do have to get back to my Christopher Friday posts - I had a great time posting them, and everyone seemed to have a good time reading them. Since my boss is not gone for about a week, I might have time to post a new one amongst trying to catch up with work.
The preparations for Chris' third birthday party are in full swing now! We are doing a Go! Diego, Go! theme this year - since he carries around his Diego buddy everywhere now. So, I am designing a birthday cake free-hand this year (I'll post pics of how good or bad it turns out to be!). Please pray there is no rain on May 5th - or else I'll have 9 screaming kids running around in my not-yet-expanded living room! Then again, since I seem to have forgotten to put WHERE the party is on the invitation, maybe we won't have that many kids after all!
We visited with E&T over the weekend - finally for Christmas! Talk about poor timing there (neither of us could find a weekend that matched up until now!). But, it was nice - we exchanged gifts for the kids, took Chris and Katie out to this really nice playground down in Brick. It was just fabulous! Huge, nicely cushioned with recylced tires. Then, we headed out for dinner - both kids were very well behaved. And, then we headed back to their house to visit for a while.
Hubby and E were in the kitchen with coffee, T and I were in the living room with the kids. Somehow, we got on the topic of TTC again - and was a rather interesting conversation, and rather honest on her part.
T's older sister B got married the day after Hubby and I did in 1998 - E&T were both in grad school in South Dakota at the time, and since E was in our wedding and T was in both weddings, we had to plan the weddings on the same weekend. B and her (now ex-)hubby started TTC about 2 years after getting married and nothing happened. She went through so many tests, and no one could figure out why she wasn't getting pregnant. Fastforward a few years and they end up divorced anyway - blessing in disguise, right? Well, maybe...
T had been complaining for a while that B never came to spend time with Katie - B at most has spent maybe 10-15 hours in the past 16 months with Katie (including the baptism), and always finds a way to get out of coming to visit. T is upset because she would like to see Katie have a relationship with her aunt - but her sister keeps side-stepping it. T's mom said - as have I - that maybe she isn't comfortable with being around Katie because of her infertility and now divorce. T for a while had agreed - T also had problems getting pregnant and finally did get PG after being diagnosed diabetic and using injectables/IUI. But, you know how you should not always read a book by it's cover?? Turns out there is another reason for her absence - and one that I had not ever expected to hear:
Turns out B had a partial-birth abortion at 4 1/2 months PG with her now-fiancee around the time Katie was born.
Uhhh....can you say I was rather stunned and, well, cold at hearing that? I know B fairly well - she can be bitchy, but has always been pleasant towards me. She is smart (if she uses it) and pretty (if she allows herself to be). Never in a million years did I think she would do something like this, especially after having tried so long to try to conceive with her ex.
I am in the minority of knowing this now - only E&T know, and now me and Hubby. T's mother doesn't even know. T decided to tell me about it because 1) it has been bothering her for a very long time, 2) I understand more about IF and the emotions that go with it and 3) she is so disgusted with her sister over it. E&T apparently had offered to take the baby and raise it as their own if B and her fiancee didn't want that the baby (her fiancee told her he didn't want children, and she figured she couldn't have children, so the baby was really a surprise). She said it would have been tough to do it - but, they would have managed raising two children and would have been willing to give custody back if B and her fiancee ever changed their minds. But, B was apparently more concerned about herself and her relationship with the fiancee (who said he would break things off if she didn't terminate the pregnancy) to take them up on the offer, and chose to terminate the pregnancy.
I was rather upset hearing it - and T told me that she expected I would be, and she was sorry to spring it on my on Saturday. But, she needed to talk, and couldn't talk to really anyone about it. I was glad, though, that she told me because the discusssion turned into much more than discussing the newest ghost in someone's closet.
T went on to tell me that E wanted another baby - which I kinda knew from my own catching of hints for a while from E. But, T isn't so sure she wants another child now. As I mentioned, T had to use injectables/IUI to get PG with Katie - Clomid never worked for her. And, considering how careful she needed to be with the diabetes in PG and what means she had to go through to get PG, she just isn't sure she wants to do it again - and take that time away from Katie.
...And, she isn't so sure she can love another child as much as she loves Katie.
You know, that is something I never really thought about in TTC another child?
Now, she is coming from a very broken home - her parents are divorced, her father remarried when she was about 10 years old and has a son with the new wife (whom T is actually very close with - very nice woman!), her mother is a BEOCH from Hell (so much so that she refused to be in pictures at their wedding with her father)! Her mother always chose men over her daughters (hence her sister's actions) and never set a good example for her children. Her mother favored one over the other at various points in their lives for any given reason - so, it is very hard for her to understand that you can actually love two (or more) children equally.
So, I told her that 1) she is younger than I am, so really, she has time and doesn't have to make a decision to have more children right now. She can take her time with that and not rush into it. And 2) she should talk to moms she admires and ask them about how they love more than one child. I told her that I think it is absolutely possible to love two (or more) children equally. But, I also think that that love can be different because each child is different. For example, I love my neices and nephews equally - but differently because their personalities are very different from one another. Does that make sense?
I also told her that I think, unless she was to get PG by accident (since her cycles have kinda regulated after having Katie - lucky her!), she needs to really want another child to get back on that bandwagon. Her hubby can't force her into that - nor should she force him into wanting another child if he didn't want another child. They need to be in as much agreement on what they want as they were when they were TTC Katie. I told her that I WANT another child - to share my life with, to share my family's lives with, and to give Chris a sibling to grow up with. And, so does my hubby, as long as the next try doesn't hurt my emotional state any more than it already has. I don't think I am/we are being selfish in that need. I feel like my family isn't quite complete yet, although I do truly love and miss my angel babies and they will always be a part of our family. And, if this next attempt at another child really doesn't work out (meaning I have another miscarriage that is the result of my body backfiring), then I will have to come to accept my family IS complete as it is.
She said she truly appreciated my input - and my understanding of how she feels. So, we will see what happens for them... They have turned into wonderful parents (especially E) - despite fears of their relationship when they first got married. I think out of the many couples that we have known that have gotten married, E&T are the ones that surpised us the most - got their act together and have a rather happy marriage and life.
...The story to continue the next time we get together with them...
