Song for the moment: Surrounded

Surrounded
by Dream Theater

Morning comes too early
and nighttime falls too late
And sometimes all I want to do is wait
The shadow I've been hiding in
has fled from me today

I know it's easier to walk away
than look it in the eye
But I will raise a shelter to the sky
and here beneath this star tonight I'll lie
She will slowly yield the light
As I awaken from the longest night

Dreams are shaking
Set sirens waking up tired eyes
With the light the memories
all rush into his head

By a candle stands a mirror
Of his heart and soul she dances
She was dancing thru the night above his bed

And walking to the window
he throws the shutters out against the wall
And from an ivory tower hears her call
"Let light surround you"

It's been a long, long time
He's had a while to think it over
In the end he only sees the change
Light to dark
Dark to light
Light to dark
Dark to light

Heaven must be more than this
When angels waken with a kiss
Sacred hearts won't take the pain
But mine will never be the same

He stands before the window
His shadow slowly fading from the wall
And from an ivory tower hears her call
"Let the light surround you"

Once lost but I was found
When I heard the stained glass
shatter all around me
I sent the spirits tumbling
down the hill
But I will hold this one on high
above me still
She whispers words to clear my mind
I once could see but now at last
I'm blind

I know it's easier to walk away
than look it in the eye
But I had given all that I could take
And now I've only habits left to break
Tonight I'll still be lying here
Surrounded in all the light

Can't wait to shake this jittery feeling

Finally, my GP's office got it right - the thyroid scan and uptake is scheduled for 9/13 at 8 am. But, it just seems so far away to have any answers....and so long before I can get rid of (or really lessen, at least) the anxiety and jittery and shakiness I have been feeling for months now. I am so tired of waiting for things to happen...

I think I am ready for the MFM appointment tomorrow.... A little more than 24 hours from now, some of the questions I have been waiting so long to have answered will (hopefully) be answered. All I have to do is print out my charts from after Chris was born until now, so I have them on hand (in case they want them).

Vacation is just around the corner - I CAN'T WAIT!!!! If I can make it to Saturday without wanting to "hurt" my Director, it will be all good. :)

Not that I dislike my Director or anything - he has been so wonderful to me during all of the losses and struggles of the last year or so, I can't imagine working anywhere else. But, I just can't handle the workload right now - I panic when he throws things my way now, which has never been a problem in the past for me. I am afraid to open my e-mail in the morning to see the barrage of e-mails from him of things that have to get done (and here I sit on Blogger! Haha!). Guess I just need to try to slow down a bit now...not that I can right now. We have so many projects coming up, and not enough staff to handle it all. I hope the week or so off will refresh me a bit...

Will post an update tomorrow after the MFM appointment...

Getting ready for D-Day - MFM Clinic Consult

....Only 7 more days until D-Day.... our MFM Clinic consult.

There are so many things to ask... So many concerns to bring to the table. I hope they are ready for us! Haha! Dr. D has the knowledge that I am a planner - and a researcher. He is always prepared for my questions and research when it is appointment time for me. Hope he warned Dr. W I am coming!

Dr. D's office confirmed this morning that the referral for the consult is already faxed over to the clinic, and they will be faxing all of the bloodwork over when they request it (which should be within the next few days). So, all I need to do is show up with my questions in hand. At least one doctor's office has it completely together!

So, here starts my list of questions to ask. Any comments or suggestions are welcome - Just post them to the Comments.

• How will the treat the MTHFR mutation and resulting high homocysteine levels? How soon do I start treatment? How often do they follow-up pre-conception to make sure the levels are evening out and holding steady? Should we consider baby aspirin or Levonox or a combo of both?
• What about the new fibroids found? If they are internal, or will affect getting and staying PG, should we consider removing them?
• How will we manage hyperthryoid, if the tests turn out to indicate that it is in fact a problem?
• What would they suggest about the next IF protocol? Try Clomid one more time, or change the protocol totally?
• Why do they think I am spotting mid-cycle now (except on the BCPs)?
• How often would I be seeing them in addition to Dr. D, once I get PG? Who do I call first for a beta - or a + HPT?
• How do I manage the mega-nausea I had with Chris, when I do get PG? With the prospect of so many meds, I want to ensure I can take them and keep them down.
• What are my real chances of miscarrying again?
• What are my increased risks of harm to the baby with these medical conditions together? How much higher are the chances of birth defects, specifically, ones that would be a life-long struggle and pain.
• Should we consider no longer TTC?
  

I wonder how long of an appointment I DO have!?!?! Haaahaaa! With all of these questions....I hope there is enough time to answer them. :)

Restoring some much needed faith

Had my physical done today with Dr. McC - and a good chuckle with him since he decided it was time for a baseline EKG. When did I become old enough to warrent the need for an EKG at a physical??? Am I really getting that old? Haha!

So, here are my bloodwork results so far:

Homocysteine levels:

• from May: 10.8
• from August: 15.3
• average range limits: 3.3-10.4

Thyroid levels (T4 specifically, since this is the level in question):

• from July: 12.1
• from August: 13.6
• average range limits: 4.5-12.0

Vitamin B-12 and Folate levels fall well into the normal range.

Cholesterol levels (which has been a constant battle for me for years now):

• Total: 227 (should be under 200)
• LDL (bad cholesterol): 133 (should be under 130)
• HDL (good cholesterol): 60 (which is higher than normal, and balances out the LDL)

So, now I have to schedule the thyroid scan to see what is happening with the gland itself. There is something going on - but which is the real cause (MTHFR or thyroid) is yet to be determined.

BUT, I have a path to follow now, which is great. The Librax is a "patch" until we know what the real culprit is, and thank goodness it is working! I have some moments of anxiety, heart racing, stomach upset, etc. But, I'll take it over the past few weeks when it was impossible to escape it. I can eat again, and I have gained 2 pounds back in a week.

Dr. McC did promise me, though, that he will be in contact with Dr. D to make sure he is completely up to speed on what is happening - and that Dr. D gets this information to the MFM clinic for next week's consult. We may not have the full picture yet, but he said there is no reason to delay the process and postpone that appointment. Yeah! He wants them to give an opinion on treatment options - and work with them to make sure the care is managed well. Finally, I have the docs on my side.

He said he personally sees no reason why I can't go on to a healthy pregnancy...and hearing that right now feels so good. I won't get my hopes up too high just yet - I need to hear what the clinic has to say about m/c and birth defect odds first. But, it is a little faith that I need right now.

...Now, if I can only get my boss to STOP dumping more work on me!

Balancing the emotions I feel

One of the ladies in my long-term FF BG's PM'ed me on Friday to ask how I was doing...and, you know, I am not sure anymore. It took me several days to truly figure out how I felt...and it wasn't easy to write the response back because I just can't say how I feel anymore.

I feel like I have a misbalance of emotions, like I am ping-ponging between being optomistic one moment to feeling like everything is going to cave in the next...

• I feel so down in the dumps sometimes, I can't imagine how I am going to dig out of it.
  
• I feel like I am reliving the "Who shot JR" saga on Dallas - the events of the past year seem like a dream and I am not connected to them at all.
• I feel angry because of what has been robbed from me - from us as a family. I should have been a mommy of two children two times over by now, and I still have another EDD to get through in October. Things should have been so different right now, and I am angry and feel robbed.
• I feel guilty for the toll the losses have taken on my relationship with Hubby. Thank goodness he is a very understanding and supportive man - he has been my rock too many times over.
• I feel like the proud and happy mommy I should feel like whenever I get that "Hi" and big smile from Chris when I come home from work. Chris has been the best thing through all of this...and it saddens me that I have lost precious time with him over the past year.
  
• And, interwined in all of these emotions, I feel like such a hypocrite for it taking me so long to get over these losses - I have my Chris, and I thank God every day for him. But, one of my friends has endured 3 IVF cycles, one unmedicated FET that resulted in a m/c and currently going through a medicated FET. She lost her only child a little past 5 weeks of pregnancy. She has been trying for over 4 years now. When I talk with her, I can't help but think I am feeling sorry for myself and should just get over it already. Why should I feel so angry and upset when I have my Chris to kiss goodnight?
  

How do I balance these feelings? I am just not sure.

I know that part of the balance will come once I have a full picture of what is going on with me medically, and it is finally corrected. My ups and downs have been so frequent over the past months, but I know now a lot of that has to do with very raging hormones (or, horrormones, in my opinion). I just haven't felt like me in a long time - happy-go-lucky, independent, content, happy. So, until I am through the testing completely for the thyroid issues and Dr. McC looks at everything together, I have to deal with the symptoms (racing heart, anxiety, shaky hands, dizziness, stomach issues, weight loss) without medical correction. I just haven't had more than a weeks time in the past 8 months where I haven't felt completely healthy - and it sucks. It grates on your very last nerve.

The rest of the balance will come once I know if TTC again will really be in our future. TTC is riding on my health right now - which has been waxing and waning like the tide - and I hate it. I can't TTC again if the chances are not good for a healthy child - I cannot play God with another person's life just to have another baby.

Even at my worst, I have not abused my body to the point of ill-health. Sure, I partied a bit in college, and at times have eaten without thought of the consequences on my health. But, I never truly abused my body - yet, here I am with so many things going wrong in a one year period. Why? I can't even blame familial genes for the MTHFR and potential thyroid issues - I am the only lucky winner there! Then, why?

And, on top of all the medical crap, we still haven't addressed what med protocol we will use in the next TTC cycle, if there is one. I just can't see continuing on Clomid alone or at all, given the poor responses I have had with it this year. Although, I suppose that can change with the 35 pounds I have lost over the past year (if I don't gain them back, of course). So, my doc and I have to really sit down and figure out what we are going to do - if we are going to take the chance again, I want to ensure the best possible ovulation I can get. I know no one can guarantee me that this will work, but I need the best shot I can get for it to work.

...Back when I was young, I had several goals for my life: to go to college and get an education (the first in my family), to find the right guy and be happily married for the long-haul (and I was grateful to meet him early on in high school!), to be financially stable (not rich, but comfortable knowing the bills were paid), and to be a the best mommy to 2-3 children I could be. Up to this point, I have attained everything I wanted, except for the last, and most important, goal. I know I am a good mommy to Chris, but I never wanted him to be an only - and now I am really staring down that decision that he may in fact be an only. Not that being an only is bad - it didn't screw up DH. But, I WANTED 2-3 children, and I am just heartbroken that I might never have that.

...Maybe I am just being selfish...

There are so many things stacked against us now, and I just don't know if I can take the chance again. One medical complication alone wouldn't be so bad (okay, it can be) - but, with the MTHFR mutation, possible thyroid issues and the additional fibroids together, I feel like I am just setting myself, and my family, up for more losses and more heartache. I just don't know what to do. I can't put myself and my family through another loss (or losses) just to fulfill my goals and dreams. But, I so want another child. Is that too much to ask for?

It has been hard to be in such a different place in my life than most of the ladies on my BG's on the various sites, and I haven't wanted to bring everyone down. There is so much joy to share in our children, and the children yet to be...after a while, I feel like I am going on and on and depressing everyone.

I miss the simple times...the naive times. Then again, maybe that is the point of my journey... Maybe I need to find my way, through whatever it takes.

Mutiny on the Body

I am starting to think my body has decided to scale a full-fledged assault on me now...why? I would LOVE to know!

Dr. McC called me at 9 pm tonight - b/w is back from Tuesday already! Wow! Talk about getting answers fast!

Good news: My Folic Acid and B-12 levels are normal. Yeah! But, he is going to re-run the homocysteine levels that Dr. D ran in May to see how different they are now. Should be back by Monday.

Bad news: My one thyroid level went up from the original b/w in July. CRAP!!! So, he is arranging for a thyroid scan now and an appointment with an endocrinologist so we can see exactly what is happening. He said this could explain the anxiety, the weight loss (bummer), the lack of concentration, the stomach issues.

Luckily for me right now, the Librax I started on Tuesday seems to be working - I am upset, but I am not off my rocker over it. It had definitely eased the anxiety a bit, and has calmed the tummy so I can eat now.

I am just so frustrated now... Ever since we started TTC again in 7/05, it has been down-hill from the second we started. I am beyond pissed off that my body just doesn't want to cooperate for the one thing I have wanted in my life: another child.

But, I am trying like hell not to really freak out - I can't, until I have the full picture in front of me...

....How long until 2006 is over?

Finally getting the answers I need!

After a loooong lull in the posting here on my blog, I am finally getting the answers I need to why I have felt sooo crappy for so long! Here's the skinny on my medical crap for the moment:

Met with my counselor on Monday - when I explained what has been happening with the ongoing stomach issues and how they seemed to revolve around weekends and meeting up with friends, he said that they do not sound like true panick attacks, since they are predictable. However, there is definitely an anxiety response going on that needs to be addressed to the events I am avoiding.

He has some theories on it...

1. If you subscribe to the Freudian school of thought, he said I could be unconsiously making myself feel how I would feel right now if I were still pregnant. Since some of the symptoms mimic how I felt with my PG with Chris (pressure in upper stomach, which felt like Chris' feet constantly in my rib cage; nausea, which I had constantly for the first 4-5 months of PG with Chris, and on-and-off throught the rest of it), I could, in my mind, be making myself still feel PG. Now, my counselor does not believe in the Freudian school of thought, so he said just take it as a theory and take it for what its worth. But, I suppose there could be some truth to it, since your mind naturally goes on to think where you would be in the PG as the EDD approaches.
   
2. What he DOESthink I could be doing is unconsiously allowing myself to avoid situations where talking about the losses would naturally come up - and, I think he got some validation to his theory when he asked how I have been about the losses recently: I just started to cry all over again, which I haven't done in weeks. It seems the people we have to cancel out on because I don't feel good ARE the people that have been the most helpful through the losses and are the most likely to bring the subject up. Now, we just need to figure out the WHY of the avoidance behaviours behind it.

My counselor does think I could benefit from an anti-anxiety med, so after I saw Dr. McC (my GP), he wanted me to call him and let him know whats going on. But, he said since my thyroid panel had come back elevated (more on that below, since elevated seems to be relative to each doc!), he said I should make sure that we know what is going on with that before jumping into anti-anxiety meds since hyperthyroid can cause anxiety. Makes sense to me!

I saw Dr. McC yesterday and, after listening to what has been happening over the past 7 months or so and reviewing all of the tests Dr. R (the upper-GI doc in the office that Dr. McC had me see when this all started) ran, gave me something called Librax, which is a smooth muscle relaxer for the stomach, to take about 30 minutes before I eat dinner - he is hoping that it will control the "spasms" my stomach is doing, which accounts for the pressure that I have been feeling in the area and the inability to eat, especially at dinner time. Librax has a secondary anti-anxiety effect, so he is holding off on giving me any kind of anxiety med (which he thinks I do need for a while). We will see how this works through this week and when I go in for my physical on 8/22, we will see if he needs to switch it.

Dr. McC was rather annoyed that Dr. R niether addressed the stomach pressure issue with me (since this has been going on since April/May), nor clarified the bloodwork he ran that turned up the "elevated thyroid" panel. He said my one panel was .10 over the normal mark and the other was completely normal, so he is re-running it just to make sure it is okay, which it probably is.

He is also running b/w for folic acid and B-12 levels - apparently, there is a disorder called Pernicious Anemia which is a form of anemia due to very low levels of B-12, which can cause the stomach issues I have been having - and goes hand-in-hand with the MTHFR mutation Dr. D found back in May. Finally, someone is listening! If it turns out my B-12 levels are really low, he will have to order B-12 injections once a month until my levels get to normal. He does, however, want to see what the MFM clinic says on 8/30 about suppliments for Folic acid/B vitamins before he would start the injections so I am not going over what I need.

The medication really did work last night - I was able to eat without feeling sick afterwards, and I was able to sleep all night. So, I am hoping this will work. Only downside to it is I absolutely have to be off it when TTC because it is very harmful to a fetus - but, by the time we get there, I am hoping this will be all over anyway.

....And, I also am down to 148 lbs! Yikes! I was trying to lose weight (I wanted to get down to 155 lbs, which was my wieght when we got married), but not this way! I keep getting comments now that I look "grey" or "too thin." Thanks for boosting my confidence, people! Good thing is, I will probably gain some of it back as soon as I start eating again!

So, I am hoping this is the start of me feeling BETTER! I am so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And, I want my LIFE BACK!

I am so grateful to Hubby for being so understanding and helpful - and pushing the docs to try to find out exactly what is going on with me. So many things have been on hold for us, and he has been so patient. I am forever grateful for that - I am sure most men would have thrown in the towel by now!

And, I am so grateful to my friends, both IRL and who haunt my blog. All of you have been so good to me, lending a listening ear - I could not have made it through this without all of you!

Facing some issues head-on, before they get worse

In talking to my mom yesterday, after a few days of utter chaos with my stomach (Thursday into Saturday, I am 99% sure, was yet another stomach virus that I caught from sweet Chris - thanks, sweetie!), I am coming to the realization that, yes, I do believe I have the lovely Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS - for when the doc finds nothing else wrong with your GI tract!) that my mother, sister and aunt share, along with the very lessening symptoms of GERD. So, I suppose this is something life-long now, and who knows when things will flair up or not. Yuck!

But, on top of that, the big IBS attacks seem to be getting very situational - before baby showers (like yesterday morning...see the elaboration below), baptisms, birthday parties, gatherings of larger groups of friends, simple stops to the store, huge projects at work... So, my mom (and my dear Hubby) both asked me if maybe these "attacks" are actually turning into real panick attacks. My mom has them, so it would not be a surprise if I, too, would start getting them.

Here are some of those symptoms I found on-line (thanks, Dr. Google!):

Irrational fear or dread - Check! Who on Earth fears going to the check-out at CVS?
Muscle tension and headache - BIG Check!
Chest pain - Wouldn't call it pain, but pressure, yes.
Elevated heart rate/palpitations - Normally, no. But, starting the morning of an event, Check!
Insomnia - BIG Check!
Diarrhea/GI distress/IBS - BIG Check!
Nausea - Check!
A feeling of fullness or chest pressure/shortness of breath - Check!
Jumpiness/Irritability/Shakiness - Check!
Sudden changes in body temperature/Hot flashes - Check!
Tearfulness - Check!
Depression - Probably...

An example of this is the baby shower I went to yesterday for a friend of mine from my old job. Originally, I was going to stay with her and her sister while the shower was going on - she is in bed-rest with twins because she has an incompitent cervix. But, he doc gave her clearance to attend under MANY restrictions (like, staying a wheelchair all day) and that changed the plans on Saturday.

So, I was up all night on Saturday night with what I throught was a bad upset stomach (yet again). But, during that time, I kept ruminating on what the baby shower the next day was going to be like: Who was I sitting with; how was I going to handle being around my PG friend who is due 2 weeks after when I should have been due with the last miscarriage; what was traffic going to be like (heading to the Jersey Shore early on Sunday is not always the wisest thing!); was I going to lose it during the shower as everyone oggled over her and the gifts; was Chris going to nap while he was with Hubby; was Hubby going to do the things I needed him to do for me to get ready for work the next day; how long was it going to take me to get home; what were we doing for dinner (not that I was hungary anyway)....etc., etc., etc. You get the picture.

These thoughts are SO STUPID! So TRIVIAL! Yet, I can't shut them off!

When I got up Sunday morning, my stomach was still a mess.... So, my thoughts turned into Do I go, do I not go?, over and over again. I needed to decide by 11 am so I could let the hostest know... But, I finally bucked up and left at 12 noon for the 1 pm shower - and, of course, I was fine (except for the THREE pregnant reminders of the baby I was not having in late October/early November - but, that is for another post). And, although my stomach was not perfect, I was calmer and able to eat and socialize.

So, what does this all mean now? Another phone call to the doc, of course (Hubby was doing that one, since he has the magic touch getting a hold of our GP!). Long-term, if this is really what this is all going to boil down to, I don't know.

Do I need meds - probably. Although, I really didn't want to start anything now since we wanted to start TTC again in January. But, as I really see these behaviors in myself, along with those who are closest to me seeing them (and telling me about it), then it is probably wise to start thinking of taking something now before this gets any worse. I have to put my family (and myself) first before trying attempt to have an addition to the family.

I can't believe my journey of loss has brought me here... Makes sense, I suppose. But, where did I really lose it? Or, it is just genetics taking advantage of the situation? Who knows... And, yet again, the control freak does not have answers...just more questions.

Uh, gee. Thanks for the reminder of what I am missing, BabyWeekly

After I found out I was going to miscarry my June angel on 11/7/05 after the second u/s showed an empty sac, I went through and deleted - or at least I THOUGHT I deleted - my e-mail address from all of those lovely e-mail lists on pregnancy and what you should be expecting week by week. I did this so fast, along with deleting everything pertaining to the pregnancy in my siggies on Fertility Friend, Connected Moms and Fertility Family, because I couldn't stand looking at the reminders of what wasn't going to be.

But, low and behold! Look what pops into my e-mail - not my spam file, but my e-mail this afternoon:

BabyWeekly Tips – Week 6

Managing Cradle Cap

If your baby develops a yellow, hard crust on his or her scalp, don't worry - this is called cradle cap and it's very common. If your baby develops a yellow, hard crust on his or her scalp, don't worry - this is called cradle cap and it's very common. To soften the flakey skin, try rubbing a small amount of vegetable oil (such as olive oil) on your baby's scalp, leave it on for about 15 minutes, and then use a fine-tooth comb or soft brush to gently brush the flakes off. However, be careful not to brush too harshly; your baby's scalp is delicate and can get sore and red if brushed in the same spot too long or too hard. Make sure you wash your baby's scalp after applying the oil; leaving the oil on can cause the flakes to stick even more. To help dissolve all the oil, leave the shampoo on for a few minutes before rinsing off.


Uh, gee. Thanks for reminding me how old my angel baby would have been today.

This is one of the hardest parts of having had the three miscarriages - the small, "incidental" reminders of what was not to be that sneak in. Just when you think you are beginning to accept and move on, something like this comes along to slap you in the face and sets your whole mindset back a few steps. Dammit.

At least I listened tod my guarded heart in February when I found out I was pregnant again - I never signed up for any of these e-mails. So, at least I won't get slapped again later in the year when I pass through my not-to-be EDD on 10/30.

Am I grasping at straws here?

Hubby and I, along with our in-laws, took Chris down to the Jersey short for the day yesterday, since Hubby's aunt (Cookoo for reference here - long story on the name, but is such a great person!) and uncle (Tio) were renting a place for the week. We had a great time...lots of sun, pooling and boardwalking with Chris. We won him his own little guitar (mini version of Hubby's) on the boards and he's been strumming it ever since.

Here is where the trip gets a little bit interesting:

There is a psychic down on the boardwalk that Cookoo (and Hubby by extension) has gone to for years and, despite the hoopla of psychics, is VERY accurate. Dianna is her name. Cookoo talked my MIL into going to see her yesterday while we were on the boardwalk because my FIL has had a rough go with his health for a long time. MIL spent about 20 minutes with this Dianna and, among things directly associated to my MIL, Dianne described my situation to a "T" without my MIL even saying a word to her before hand.

Dianna told her that her daughter (she knew my MIL referred to me as daughter not daughter-in-law) had a healthy and happy son, but is going through a very hard time right now due to three recent miscarriages. She said I was going through a round of situational depression and therapy because of the miscarriages, and a whole bunch of medical issues have come up since the last miscarriage, which is making me question whether TTC will just be put on hold or if we will not longer try again.

Dianna told my MIL that, without a doubt, she will be a grandma again to 2 more children. Since Hubby is an only, that would mean these two grandchildren would be our children. Dianna was very exact and matter-of-fact about the news.

My MIL wasn't sure if she wanted to tell me or not, but decided that she should. Not sure if this is helping me or not, but considering my MIL did not lead Dianna on with ANY information, Dianna just knew TOO MUCH for her predictions not to be wrong.

Hubby later went to Dianna for a reading (the last time he was there was in 1999), but I don't think she made the connection to my MIL because Hubby really favors my FIL in looks and he didn't let on to anything either. Dianna told hom the same information and added to him that I need to let the pain go and work on getting physically better...and, come December/January, return to TTC again with a clear head. Fits right into my time frame, considering we were taking a break until January anyway. He did not tell her that until after she said it first.

Despite this coming from a boardwalk psychic, Dianna was just too accurate with when things happened. How could she have known? She didn't suggest things and get my MIL or Hubby to answer for her - she just said it outright, so there has to be something real going on with her predictions.

I plan to go see her myself in early September, when we are on vacation for the week. I didn't want to "contaminate" the situation by going myself on the same day as my MIL and Hubby. So, it will be interesting to see what she says to me in 5 weeks...

Of course, I can't allow myself to dwell on this or expect this will be the outcome...but it really does make you wonder about how this will all work out in the end. Guess we will just have to wait to see what the future brings...

Maybe it is time to really read the writing on the wall

The upper GI doc FINALLY called back last night to go over the results of the findings from 2006 - The Year of the Ongoing Medical Adventures.

Here is the good news: From CT scan, he said the gall bladder, bile duct and the kidneys are all fine.

Here is the not-so-good news:

1. From the CT scan, he said he could see multiple fibroids (one internal in the uterus). The one I knew of was at the top and outside. So, I have to call Dr. D to see if he wants copies of the film. To my knowledge, no other fibroids than the one I had from before I was PG with Chris were present before my last miscarriage - if they were in fact there before the miscarriages, then this is an added complication we have to deal with in TTC and carrying to term.
2. Since everything internal seems fine, he said my stomach issues are a combo of GERD (which really has been under control now, thanks to the Aciphex!) and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (which my mom, sis and aunt all have). Yippee! Which means, there is no quick fix for this...and it is a life-long thing to deal with.
3. From the b/w, he found my calcium level is up (probably due to all of the Tums I've been chewing, and no big deal) and my cholesterol is up (a chronic problem for me, so I have to try yet again to alter my diet - yippee again!).
4. Also from b/w, my thyroid panel was elevated. The thyroid is a shocker since Dr. D just ran a completely thorough thyroid panel in the Recurrent Loss Panel and all was fine! So, I am having my GP's office fax over those results to Dr. D today. My MIL, who's 20+ week m/c of twin boys was completely attibuted to hyperthyroid, told me last night that results in thyroid screenings can change very quickly, hence Dr. D's panel not detecting it back in May. It should be checked every 3-6 months.
5. The upper GI doc does think, although my urine analysis and b/w say otherwise, that I may have a UTI since I have been running a low fever and have chills like crazy since Friday... So, he is calling in cypro for me to take for a week.
   

So, in addition to the MTHFR complication (which has yet to be addressed in treatment), I now have to look at the complications of additional, and more serious, fibroids AND a possibility of a thyroid disorder with TTC.

Maybe it is time to really start reading the writing on the wall... Maybe Chris is our one true miracle and we need to accept that he will be our ONLY true miracle. We started thinking about this in March after my last miscarriage...maybe it is time to really face the truth and accept TTC may very well be over for us. There is nothing wrong with having an only child - hubby is one himself. But, this is not what I wanted - I wanted a sibling for Chris.

MTHFR, fibroids and thyroid disorders have so many complications in and of themselves in PG and PG outcome...and, mixing them all together, who knows what will happen. I could not live with myself if, out of some selfish need to have a #2, something medically terrible happened to a potential child - something that would make life hard to live through for that potential child. I can't play Russian roulette with a potential child's future just to fulfill my own wishes - that's not fair.

So, over the next 5 weeks, I really need to push for more answers to these new complications before I see the MFM clinic on 8/30. If I am told at that pre-conception consult that our odds of a healthy child are significantly lowered due to these three complications to gether, it is time for us to walk away and thank God for the blessing we have. What a decision to have to make now...when all I wanted in my life was to be a GOOD mommy to 2 or 3 children.

How do we walk away from this dream and call our family complete?

Proverb of the Old Chinese Farmer

While in my therapy session yesterday, the topic of returning to TTC came up.

He said he thinks that my ideas of how I want to have things work out with TTC again are basically going to cause me another breakdown if it does not work out the way I planned. In order to get me to understand how I need to change my focus, he shared with me the Proverb of the Old Chinese Farmer and it goes something like this:

An old Chinese farmer was in his barn attending to some tasks. A young traveler stops in and says to him, "I have some bad news for you."

The Chinese farmer asks what the news is.

The traveler says to him, "Your prize stallion has run off and now you have no horse to attend to. Isn't that terrible news?"

The farmer replies, "Perhaps."

The traveler leaves, rather puzzled by the response.

A week later, the traveler stops by the farm again and sees the farmer in his barn. He says, "I have some fantstic news for you!"

The farmer asks what the news is.

The traveler responds, "Your prize stallion is back, and has brought with him 3 wild stallions. You have your prize back and potential for more. Isn't that fantastic news!"

The farmer replies, "Perhaps."

The traveler is puzzeled yet again, but leaves.

A week after that, the traveler yet again stops by the farm and stops the farmer to speak to him. He says, "I have some horrible news for you."

The farmer asks what the news is.

The traveler responds, "While your son was out in the fields trying to tame one of the three wild stallions, he was thrown off the horse and has broken his leg. He won't be able to help you with the farm, nor will he be able to help you with the stallions. Isn't that horrible?"

The farmer replies yet again, "Perhaps."

The traveler is very agitated now, as all of his stories seem to have no affect on the farmer. He leaves in a hurry, not sure what to think.

Another weeks goes by and the traveler stops by the farm again, ready to relay more news. The traveler says, "Sir, I have some dreadful news for you."

The farmer asks again what the news is.

The traveler responds, "Our village is now at war with the neighboring village. The leaders are trying to put an army together to fight, but because your son's leg is broken, he will not be chosen to fight for our village. Isn't that aweful news?"

The farmer replies once more, "Perhaps."

...The moral of this story is, no matter the outcome or the news, sometimes it is better to let the news roll off your back because we don't know (nor may never know) the outcome of the events before us.

What my therapist would like to see me do is ultimately:

1. Set limits on how far Hubby and I are willing to go in this (which we already have)
2. Let be what will be
3. Remember what I do have in my life, and let that be the focus while TTC again

I think my mind is beginning to really think this way...slowly, of course. I have to give up my expectations of what I want and just live. This is very hard to do, though, when you don't have the ease of just getting pregnant. But, I am trying to find balance there.

Why do I listen to unwarrented advice?

Had a good weekend - quiet stay at home Saturday, and off to visit our friends yesterday. It was some great quiet time with the family. Although, I have a MAJOR beotch session about the visit yesterday to get off my chest...

We visited with Hubby's friends from grammar school (M, who is married to J and has K1; and E, who is married to T and has K2 - see post Dinner With Friends about E&T) yesterday.

T is a special ed teacher...and is very open about what she does at school (always has, like she should get a Girl Scout patch on her sash for all of her "saves"). She truly is good at what she does, so she should be proud of her accomplishments...except when they cross over the line and she starts making comments about what just isn't there.

M put on Jack's Big Music Show for Chris later in the day because all of us were indoors due to the heat (and M&J's lack of pool, since they were having a problem putting it together in time for us to come up for the visit). When Jack is on, Chris likes to dance around, sing, and act like an all-around 2 year old goofball. You could see T is watching him closely - not out of enjoyment, but with that analyzing look to her. She proceeds to make a comment about half-way through the program about Chris' toe-walking...basically saying, you know, I think Chris could be autistic.

Now, I KNOW what the warning signs are of autism and I KNOW how important it is to diagnose this early... My best friend's neice has benefited so much from early intervention, and I know several others who DC are just now starting out on their own journies through autism. But, Chris occasionally toe walks! Who cares? Hubby toe-walked when he was a toddler. Hubby's cousin toe-talked as a toddler. Our ped mentioned the toe-walking to us at his two year check-up...and proceeded to say, don't worry about it. The worst that can happen is he will have flat feet (as does my Hubby and cousin...see the GENETICS working here?).

But, this single comment from someone who probably only sees Chris about once every two to three months now has Hubby in a tizzy... He, like I, wants to make sure if there are problems with Chris, we get them addressed early. He is worried now really over nothing now.

To alleviate his mind a bit, I went on-line looking for signs, etc. of autism for him. According to sites like Autism Society of America, Autism Speaks, First Signs, and Cure Autism Now, here are the major behaviors that signal further evaluation is warranted for autism:

1. No big smiles or other warm, joyful expressions by six months or thereafter
2. No back-and-forth sharing of sounds, smiles, or other facial expressions by nine months or thereafter
3. No babbling by 12 months
4. No back-and-forth gestures, such as pointing, showing, reaching, or waving by 12 months
5. No words by 16 months
6. No two-word meaningful phrases (without imitating or repeating) by 24 months
7. Any loss of speech or babbling or social skills at any age

Chris has not displayed ANY of these signs. Chris is just a normal kid who likes to toe-walk.

Sure, I am concerned about Chris' speech, as do most parents - he talks well and up to the standard for his age. But, he has gotten into the habit of pointing for things instead of asking verbally because, well, he has several people on my in-law's side that like to baby him and give him what he points to. Would you verbally ask for something if all you had to do was point and get it? It is laziness and stubbornness...which I need to train him out of. And, it may be something I will address privately after talking to our ped about it.

Our ped does very thorough Well Baby visits - I would think if he saw anything questionable, or throught of something based on our responses to his questions, he would have said something already to us.

I really hate when people start planting a seed like that when there is no problem - and she, of all people, should know better.

2006 - The Year of the Ongoing Medical Adventures

I finally received back from Dr. R (the upper GI guy) the results of my abdominal ultrasound on Wednesday... My gallbladder - the whole reason for this ultrasound - is 100% a-okay. But....and, of course, there is a "but" ...the ultrasound showed a dilation of the bile duct and that both of my kidneys are enlarged. "Probably nothing, but let's check a CAT scan and bloodwork," he says.

So, I am off for another bloodletting tomorrow morning...thank goodness LabCorp has Saturday hours so I don't have to take MORE time off for this medical crap this year!

Then, I am off for the lovely CAT scan on Thursday, July 20th (8 am, of course - the earlier, the better for me!). They will be doing a scan of both the abdomen and pelvis, through IV injection and PO solution - yippee! At least I don't have to fast more than 4 hours and I can still drink clear liquids.

On another medical matter, I made that appointment with the MFM clinic for August 28th at 3:30 pm (first available - but I was warned by Dr. D's office that there would be a wait for a pre-conception consultation, which is fine since I have these other possible issues to deal with now). Although I have to wait for the appointment, the clinic is quick! I already received the paperwork to complete before the appointment! Amazing! And, they said they would call Dr. D's office for the records they need - no need for me to do anything else other than get the referral and complete the paperwork.

So, I have more worry...and some hope. I just want to get off this stupid medical rollercoaster already. It's been non-stop since January (okay, really November, but who's counting now???). I used to be HEALTHY. I eat right, take my vitamins and exercise (okay, exercise was recently added to the mix, but I am not a couch potato either)... What the heck happened? I never used to have to deal with ongoing tests and such. Can we fastforward to January? I just want this year to end already. I am really getting tired of the poking and prodding...unless it is for a healthy pregnancy, then it's worth it!

Here it is... The new Blog!

Hope everyone likes the new blog... I am very happy with it!

BTW: Because Netscape can be fickle, please view this blog in IE or Firefox. Netscape doesn't want to play nicey-nice.

Tina

Like they say on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: Move the Bus!

Please be on the look-out for the reveal of the new appearance on my blog this week...

I am working with Ro from Caio! My Bella! Custom Blog & Web Designs on a new skin for my blog - none of the basic blog skins really fit what I wanted for My Many Blessings.

The new look is going to be just beautiful. Can't wait for all of you to see the big reveal. Now, move the bus!

Some resolutions of the PMS Beotch session from yesterday

To those wondering, yes I did get my Three Musketeer's bar last night - YEAH! And, I have a spare stashed in my lunch bag for a quick fix today. Thanks, Hubby!

My GP's office called last night - my u/s results are still MIA (they are probably in the office, just not reviewed yet). but my GP did look over the b/w from Dr. D. He does not feel this is something we need to address immediately for long-term issues since I am still rather young. So, he said just to contact Dr. D's office for setting up the consult with the high risk ob clinic and go forward with that when we are ready.

So, some resolutions...although minor.

PMS Beotch Session

Okay....AF is almost here for a visit this week, and she is making her appearance known quite well today. But, I can't complain since, really, because usually by July I only have had her visit about 1-2 times! So, I'll take her in for a while as long as it means she will leave the place in better shape than she found it at her arrival.

Anyways, I feel a PMS Bitch session coming on and, to save my Hubby from it since he had absorbed the brunt of the bitch sessions lately, I will start it here. Enjoy the ranting - this should be fun to read in a few months!

1. I am sooooo pissed off with my doc's office - not my ob/gyn but my GP. It has been 4 FREAKIN weeks since Dr. D faxed over my MTHFR bloodwork to his office and I have not even had one freakin phone call returned about it. Hubby called and left a nastygram with his answering service last night because HE has had it too. Okay, I am not on my deathbed here, but 4 weeks???
2. While we are speaking of doctors, I am sooooo tired of this GERD crap. Every day is an adventure - some days are okay, but then the next I am tasting in the morning what I ate last night for dinner. All I want to do is eat a whole order of Mozzarella sticks with gravy (or, marinara sauce) without being in agony... NOT to mention I want my "personal time" with Hubby back because, how can you DTD while you feel like your dinner is in your throat?
3. And, to continue the medical crap - how about inheriting a treadmill that works! The weather has been so crappy, I haven't been able to go out and walk. So, my IL's give us their treadmill with the replacement part for the track - what they fail to tell us is that it is downright impossible to fix it without something to pry back the tension springs. Uh, neither of us have Superman's strength here! Now, I have a crappy piece of furniture collecting dust in the spare room...and I feel like I am gaining my 25 pounds back! Crap!
4. I have had it with our friends J&E, well, for a variety of reasons. Mostly surrounding their son - our godson. M is only 3 years old, and they allow him to go into a 5 foot swimming pool with no floatation device of ANY KIND on last weekend! WTF? Hubby told me E was also going to set it up for M to intentionally screw up an evaluation so he couldn't attend a specific preschool program that the school district has. WTF? Are they insane?
5. My father is a complete boob! I didn't realize that sprained ankles are inevitable.... I thought they were consequences of a FALL! Idiot! So, now my mom has him home for 2 weeks (one week home with the freakin ankle and another week with vacation) and she wants to toss him out on his ear. Personally, I think there may be something medically wrong with him - which my mom will find out today since she is tagging along to his doc's appointment at my insistence - but then again, he is just not a smart cookie.
6. I hate other people being laid back about their jobs....especially when it pertains to mine! Now, I would LOVE to be at home with Chris, but while I have to endure working, how about you give me some respect and ANSWER EMAIL! Oy! The lady running the program out in Colorado for me took vacation last week - and never bothered to inform me of that. So, like a moron, I've been e-mailing her ALL WEEK, I am sooo not going out to Colorado on Sunday if this chick screws up.
7. ...and, I WANT MY THREE MUSKETEERS BAR from my last AF visit! I know DH at it on me....and I WANT IT!

Thank goodness this week is my off-week for carpool driving! Haahaa! Those jaywalkers wouldn't like it when I am angry...

I've been Tagged...

Okay... I will have some fun and play tag. :) After all, can't have my blog be a total downer, right?

7 Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die:

1. Be a stay at home mom to my Chris and (hopefully) at least one more child
2. Actually HAVE that at least one more child someday soon
3. Finally decide where we want to live for the long-haul and MOVE there!
4. Go to Ireland, and the other countries that I have heritage (Ireland, England, Germany, France, Poland, Ukraine)
5. Do volunteer work
6. Be financially secure and leave no debts behind to my child(ren)
7. See at least my grandchildren be born

7 Things That I Can't Do:

1. Swim
2. Play an instrument (although I tried to play Flute in 4th grade)
3. Stop trying to control everything I can't logically control
4. Sing in public (although some have said I have a decent voice)
5. Get over the fact I can't stop others from doing stupid things to their children
6. Ovulate on my own
7. Drive a manual transmission car (nor do I want to!)

7 Things That Attracted Me To My Husband:

1. His sense of humor (how can you ignore someone who intros themself as "Ken, which is neck spelled backwards, drop the 'c' " ?)
2. His blue eyes
3. His guitar playing abilities
4. His concern for our relationship during hard times
5. His ability to admit his faults and try to work on them
6. His drive to start his own business
7. His pure adoration of our son

7 Books (or series of books) That I Love:

1. The Phantom of the Opera (Gaston Lerox)
2. The Once and Future King (T. H. White)
3. Coming to Term : Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage (Jon Cohen)
4. Miscarriage after Infertility : A Woman's Guide to Coping (Margaret Comerford Freda, Carrie F. Semelsberger)
5. --
6. --
7. --

7 Movies I'd Watch Over & Over:

1. The Phantom of the Opera (1920's b/w version with Lon Chaney)
2. The Phantom of the Opera (last version released in 2005)
3. White Christmas (with Bing Crosby, Danny Kay and Rosemary Clooney)
4. The Princess Bride
5. Spaceballs
6. Logan's Run
7. Dirty Dancing (that was the first movie I saw with Hubby)

7 People I'd Like To Tag (and if you don't do it, I totally understand): Since most of those I know in Blogger land have already been tagged, here is who I can tag!

1. Joy (El Mundo de Mamacita)
2. Lindy (Infertility 2.0)
3. --
4. --
5. --
6. --
7. --

Where have my musings gone??

I am sitting here on lunch thinking I haven't posted in a little while... Then I start to think, where have my musings gone? Anyone seen them?

Seems as I start to accept things for what they are, I lose some of my whit and ramblings...okay, maybe just temporarily! But, since Tuesday, I have been quite at peace with things (except for Hubby being a slob...but, that's just men) and am not sad, or lost. It is something quite unfamiliar right now...but it's nice.

So, for now, just posting a song that one of ladies in one of my BG's sent to me. There are parts to this song that ring quite true: like, when did my passion leave me? and I can't "fake" how I feel anymore.

Resurrection

Nicole Sponberg

I am at a loss for words

There's nothing to say

I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place

How did my heart become so lifeless and so cold

Where did that passion go?

When all my efforts seem like changing the wind

Ive used up all my strength and theres nothing left I can give

I've lost the feeling, and I'm numb to the core

Can't fake it anymore

Chorus:

Here I am, at the end

I'm in need of resurrection

Only you can take this empty shell

And raise it from the dead

What I've lost to the world

What seems far beyond redemption

You can take the pieces in your hand

And make me whole again

You speak and all creation falls to your knees

you raise your hand and calm the waves of the rageing seas

you have a way of turning winter into spring

make something beautiful out of all this suffering

Chorus:
Here I am, at the end
I'm in need of resurrection
Only you can take this empty shell
And raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world
What seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in your hand
And make me whole again

I will not fake how I feel anymore. I think that is what threw me for a spin in the first place with these losses. I had forgotten it is OKAY to feel sad, angry, hurt. And, when you forget that, you forget everything about yourself.

And, my passion I know left me last year when my first Clomid cycle failed to produce an ovulation - I EXPECTED things to work like they did when I got pregnant with Chris, and wasn't prepared for a failure. Now that I know where I list my spirit and passion, I can begin to rebuild it. The outer me is the start - wearing clothes that I haven't been able to fit into in years and color in my hair has really given me a peek into what I used to be before we started TTC in 2002. And, it is kinda nice to start getting back to that. The inner me still needs some work...but, I will get there in time.

Gee.... Guess I had a little more to write than I thought.

For those reading, please send a little prayer to the kind soul who sent me the song above. She has been so supportive of me through the past year, it is the least I can do to ask for some prayers to go her way. She is going through a rough time right now and could use some peace in her life too. If you can send a little positive throughts her way, I'd appreciate it.