February 29th: A Special Day to Remember

Calliope at Creating Motherhood came up with the idea a while ago to make today, February 29th, a very Special Day to Remember for the babies we have lost. Please go over and visit Calliope's blog, and the other blogs who are banding together today to remember the babies we have lost too soon.

It has not been until now that I have finally begun to enjoy this current, surprise PG. Every waking second, every appointment, every milestone in this PG has been overshadowed with what I have come to know all too well: Great betas (well, this one is directed to me specifically since I never got past the betas with any of my m/c's), first detection of heartbeats, great growth patterns, first kicks and punches does not mean a baby will come home with you at the end of those precious 40 weeks of pregnancy.

There has been so much loss lately....the reality of what can happen and what can go wrong is overwhelming. And, it is hard to ignore, even if the risks of something going wrong are "relatively low". I mean, recurrent miscarriage is supposed to only happen to a small percentage of women: about 4% of women to experience two losses; 0.16% of women to experience three losses.

How did I end up in that 0.16% anyhow? That wasn't supposed to happen.

I think that is what made enjoying this PG - one that seems to be progressing "normally," much like my PG with Chris did - hard to do up to this point. If I could be a part of that "elusive" club of recurrent miscarriers - that "elusive" 0.16% of women to experience three losses - who's to say this PG would result in a live sibling for Chris?

I dream of going to the jeweler and adding a new shoe charm in June for this little boy I am carrying to my bracelet I wear every day:



But, I push the dream aside sometimes because, well, will God allow me to bring another child home? The thought of adding another angel charm scares the hell out of me...and prevents me from partaking in the naive dreaming I once did during my pregnancy with Chris, when miscarriage was not yet a part of my vocabulary.

I guess what has been weighing on my mind lately is that the anniversary of my last m/c is coming up very soon...in 21 days. This loss was the hardest hit for me. The one that really knocked me down, heart and soul. I never imagined another miscarriage could ever happen. That I could be so sick with morning sickness and the baby could already be gone. That God could allow this to happen for a third time...and take another baby away from me.

I lost so much of myself on March 21, 2006... It has taken so long to find my way back - and it hurts me so much to see others losing themselves in this too.

Losing a baby is not supposed to happen. Not to me, not to anyone.

Latest updates on E2

We had another growth scan this morning...at 7:30 am. Can you say, WOW that's early! Even for me, who gets up at 5 am to primp! But, it is nice to go in to the appointment on time, get out ahead of time, and get into work before you expect to (not that I WANT to be here, but it is less time I have to make up somewhere else).

Anyways, E2 is measuring perfectly for 24 weeks - and is currently about 1 lb., 10 oz. with a heart rate of 140 bpm. I have no idea what Chris was estimated weight-wise at 24 weeks...so, I am not sure how that will predict (or as close to predict as possible) birth weight. That remains to be seen (or, felt, really).

E2 is currently breech - completely sideways across my abdomen and face down. It's no wonder why I get jabbed where I do right now if I move a certain way (he doesn't like it if I twist side to side)! Not really worried about it right now though... Little Angelina was breach at one point too. I am sure he will move eventually (although, I am spoiled since Chris was always face down at scans or appointments). But, I did tell DH that if E2 choses not to move and breech is still a possibility closer to delivery...I will opt for the c-section right away. I will not have an external cephalic version (ECV) done. Have you ever seen them on shows like Birth Day??? They are SCARY as hell when they show you how they do it on TV! And, its painful. And, it only works half the time.

...I think I'd rather have the incision scars.

E2 was being a little ornery today... Although the tech and the doc got good pics of the vital organs, he refused to move his hands away from his face. Figures. So, I am not even going to scan the pics today - none are clear, even though the tech tried to clear one or two of them. Next scan is not until April 17th...so, hopefully he will be a little more agreeable then.

...I'm telling ya... I'm starting to get scared of his personality already. My mom better stop telling me that this one is going to have a completely different personality from Chris - I like Chris' funny, laid back nature. For example, E2 likes to kick when I am standing or walking around (especially when I am doing my make-up and hair in the morning) - Chris never, ever did that! I had to sit or lie down for his beatings. E2 likes to punch and kick low....I can feel it in my bladder and intestines like he's kicking a soccer ball. Chris liked to spar with the ribs - think karate (which he will be starting very soon). And, I mean ALL-THE-TIME.

Sure hoping this one is NOT like my older brother... Will be in major trouble if he is!

Alas, since I am not scanning any pics today (well, maybe I'll scan the best one and post it later tonight - depends upon the guilt laid on here for new pics)...I'll post one from his Level II in December where you can really see the features of his face:



Enjoy!

24 weeks and...Ding Dong! The witch is dead!!

...and I don't mean the AF witch...or anything to do with pregnancy, TTC or miscarriage. I mean THIS witch!

So, the "situation" with the wing-nut Associate Director (which was dug much further than what I had posted back in August) is finally resolved as of today...after much red tape and hoopla (you know I work for a State University...to get someone fired here requires much "i" dotting and "t" crossing). She is officially suspended without pay - starting 4:3o pm today through her "official" end of her appointment on May 30th. She was asked to clean out her office, which is done sometime before this morning (probably overnight with her DH...which was not uncommon to see things moved in her office in the matter of a few overnight hours). Her e-mail is being forwarded to our Assistant Director to review - that is, of course, if there is actually anything work-related in there, which is highly unlikely. She is being removed from every inch of our web site and mailing lists - the number of hits on our web site is more than cut in half already!

PHEW!!!! The drama is now over...and we can regroup and begin to work again in a cohesive manner. And, find a new Associate Director who actually wants to do the job hired for.

However, of course the matter may still not be "over." Depends upon if she gets the hair-brained idea of suing us for unlawful termination. She won't win that - there is too much documentation of the havoc she caused for the staff, the work she didn't do, the un-related, personal research she DID do on University/work time, and the bad-mouthing she chose to do with "colleagues" from the moment she started working here in June 2007. So, it would be pointless to sue us...but, then again, she is a totally unstable molecule and only time will tell if that will happen.

Luckily, my bosses will "shield" me from it if 1) it happens at all and 2) if I am named at all in it. They don't want the stress of the mess she made for me in August or thereafter affect this PG. I am grateful for that.

So, I am officially 24 weeks along today... Next growth scan will be Thursday. E2 is already turning out to have a different personality than Chris - he likes to kick me when I am standing up, which is something Chris never did. And, the nurse at my ob's appointment last week had to chase him around with the doppler because he didn't like it at all (took her a few shots to get him to lie still to get the heart rate). I will post pics and belly pics (well, belly pics as soon as they are taken anyway - have been really lax on that) later in the week.

I noticed today how bad I have been on posting here recently... I never even finished documenting the Vacation 2007 series, which I promise to do before E2 arrives in June. I don't want to forget the good time we had on vacation.

But, time has just been very short, between work, finally getting Chris' services in place (more on that later), the IL's house (which was officially boarded up on Valentine's Day - nice, huh?), preparing for maternity leave, having a cold that lasted for more than 2 weeks (which Chris now has and made himself puke Sunday night because of the coughing)...and so on and so on.

I am waiting for the slow-down...hopefully that will be soon so I can really get back to blogging.

A revelation on my faith

That church I pass on the way to work had another good saying this week...

"Faith makes things possible...
Not easy."

Well, if that isn't a reality check...

Not that I was ever expecting my faith to be easy - I wasn't. I never have, especially having chosen the faith I did. But, I could never allow myself to understand why the God I had faith in would take three precious lives away from me...and I think something has clicked.

Enjoying this pregnancy - and having faith this it would continue on this far - has not been easy. But, it is possible...and preparing for that possibility is starting to take form, happily.

I am at peace with that faith now.

I will post updates soon. I know I have been a little neglectful of my blog, but there just hasn't been a lot of time between work, potty training Chris (which was a challenge in the beginning, but we are doing very well!), and trying to figure out the IL's housing situation.

To that end, until I can get back for a real update, please keep my IL's in your prayers. They are moving out of their home of 35 years this weekend, moving in temporarily with Hubby's aunt and uncle across the street until they can decide what the next move will be: Move in with us and fix up the attic to accommodate them, or prepare for the possibility that they may be able to buy their house back as a "new buyer" instead of trying to salvage the mortgage that was foreclosed on. It is a strong possibility that they will be able to buy the house back...hence the temporary move in with Hubby's aunt and uncle. We would love for them to be back in that house...so we ask for some prayers that might make that a possibility.

How to celebrate your 35th Birthday in style....

So... I find myself at 20 weeks pregnant today...

Yeah, I can hardly believe it either! But, that is what my FF ticker says...and my doctor's chart. I promise to post a belly pic soon...probably this week. It is amazing how much bigger I am this time around. I LOOK like I am pregnant - never really did until the very end with Chris. So, this is turning into some fun now. :) I.E., I am finally enjoying this PG...especially with the inner-boxing sessions that put my mind at ease.

The "down" side, of course, is I turn 35 years old tomorrow...and officially receive the "Advanced Maternal Age" moniker at the doctors' offices now. Yeah me! I know, a number is a number. But, the new label - although not as bad as Habitual Aborter - is one I never really planned on having...

...But, God doesn't always like plans, now does He?

So, how does one celebrate one's 35 th birthday in style???




Having the in-law's move in, that's how!




Okay, to backtrack a little bit...

My FIL was a very, very sick man starting in 2002.

He is a Type II diabetic - and, for a very long time, chose to ignore it and not care for himself properly. His diabetes has led him to lose feeling in his feet - so, he did always take one precaution as to wear shoes or slippers all of the time.

...Except, of course, one fateful day in the early fall of 2002.

We had finally finished our post-Honeymoon "love nest" (aka, our new, hand-built apartment to save money instead of renting one) on my IL's home in early 2001 - Living room, kitchen, bathroom which added on above my IL's kitchen and bathroom. We kept DH's room growing up (one of the two only bedrooms in the house) as our bedroom (which was all we had for the first few years of our marriage - talk about me being accommodating!), which opened up to the kitchen. It was all we really needed at the time - having children was not really on the radar in the first few years of marriage.

The addition was done on our own - my FIL, DH, myself and anyone else who was handy with a nail gun and drywall helped with demolition and construction. It took a long, long time to get done, as you can probably tell: We married in 10/1998 - and the addition was started shortly before then. It was finally finished in early 2001...and we settled in. And, we thought everything was cleaned up from the construction - all scraps of wood, siding, nails, etc.

Except, we missed some construction staples.

My FIL walked out in the very early Fall of 2002 into the backyard with no shoes on to turn off the pool filter - and he stepped on a construction staple. But, since he had no feeling in his feet, he never felt it....and it remained there for 2-3 days until my MIL noticed it. And, of course, it was already infected - eventually spiraling him into a series of infections, including a massive MRSA infection, which caused him to lose the toes on his right foot. The wound, until just last year, refused to close... So, it has been years of doctors, surgeries, antibiotics, disability, unemployment for my IL's.

...And, years of doctor's bills, inability to pay the bills, and inability to pay the mortgage on the house they owned since 1973.

So, two years ago, a foreclosure notice was given...although never pressed. My FIL was employed by the town as a Lead Abatement Inspector for a federal governmental agency in the Summer of 2005 - and his ability to pay the bills and mortgage came back. So, we thought the house could be saved and the foreclosure lifted...

...But, that changed on January 7th, 2008 - when the mortgage company decided not to play nicey-nicey anymore...and an eviction notice was issued for them to be out by February 8th.

So, after 35 years of owning this home, they have to be out. Our early marriage memories will be gone now...as will all of the memories they have invested in that house. And, there is nothing we can do about it.

Long, drawn-out story, isn't it?

So, the past two weeks has been spent helping them pack/move/store all of their belongings (they plan to be out completely this weekend) - and pack/move/store all of the things DH never cleaned out since we moved into our home around the corner in June 2003.

The past couple of weeks has also been trying to help them figure where to go - move into DH's aunt's house across the street from us for a little while, find an apartment, etc.

My MIL does not want to move into her sister's house - it is very loud and busy and cramped as it is, since DH's grandmother is also living there (she had moved into our old apartment when we bought her house in 2003). BUT, it would be the most economical move for them to do that - no rent, no utility bills - so they can save money and straighten themselves out financially. Since she doesn't want to do that, that forces them into renting an apartment for $1500 or more (NJ is expensive)...but, that would not allow them to save money, pay bills off. It would force them into renting for probably the rest of their lives.

So (and you can call me a SUCKER later), I got into a discussion with DH about it was a shame we didn't have our third floor (full attic) finished yet - it would be more than enough room for them to live in for 6-12 months, until they could get themselves on their feet again. Living with them again would be a hard adjustment for all, especially with a new baby coming - but, we have done it before with much less room...and we could probably do it again for a short period of time.

I guess, what I am having a hard time justifying is the $$$ they will have to spend on rent - and not be able to save anything.

Anyway, conversation was continued last night with my ILs over for dinner - since my FIL works for the town, he has access to many contractors. And, these contractors can discount the work for him...and get the attic done (insulate, sheet rock, wire, install a small bathroom above the only bathroom in the house, finish/paint) in a fairly quick amount of time.

...The only concession we would make is we would switch our bedroom with Chris' current room since the stairway to the third floor is from our bedroom and, well, do you want your IL's coming through late at night??? Changing the rooms is no big deal - the thought had been there anyway, and the rooms are relative the same size (just different shape).

So, that is how I will be celebrating my 35th Birthday...preparing for construction and the IL's to invade our house for 6-12 months until they can either be in a position to buy something on their own or we can find a real 2-family in a town we would like to settle in a year or so from now (which was a plan we had in mind anyway).

Sound fun?

My therapist is going to have a field day with this tonight at our first session of the New Year!

Rainbow bridges

Well, that church on my way into work had another good saying this week... Something that I am going to try to live by now:

"Don't let yesterday get in the way of living today"

I have been thinking about this quote all week... Thinking about how I have spent the past 18 weeks or so of this pregnancy living in the "yesterday" - my past of loss, worry, fear. Thinking about how I have kept relatively quiet on my blog, in my BGs and in my real life about this pregnancy, in fear that I would have to go back and un-tell everyone...in fear of replaying history and puncturing another hole in my heart.

...And, there are times now when the fear is still there.

In early December, I had a small e-mail exchange with Mel about moving my blog from the "Pregnancy Loss" list on her blog roll to "Pregnancy After Infertility or Loss." It was a big step at the time...as I just entered the 2nd trimester - a time when that nagging fear of loss should be gone. But, it wasn't gone for me at the time. And, although the fear was still present, I had to take small steps to accepting that maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't lose this pregnancy after all.

With the "perk" of being high-risk (do we really want to call it that?) and getting the 3D u/s done yesterday (covered through insurance, thank goodness!), something changed that I can't quite explain.

...Maybe it was seeing this baby - the baby I feared so much talking to, rubbing my belly for in fear I was dooming his/her fate if I emitted any hope at all - as a real person for the first time yesterday: his face, heart, hands, toes, legs...everything in its right place, doing what he should be doing. Sure, I had u/s pics of Chris during his PG - but, never the 3D u/s pics where you could see every detail of what he will look like. That rush to my heart is without words...kind of akin to Dr. D announcing Chris was a boy when he was born almost 4 years ago...something I can always look back on fondly as E2 grows up.

...Maybe it was partly the most perfect rainbow I got to see on my way into work earlier this same week - start to finish - similar to this pic:

I never in my life saw any rainbow this perfect...this bright and beautiful...from beginning to end. It reminded me of another quote I saw shortly after I found out I was PG again...

"After the storm comes the rainbow"

The rainbow and the quotes had perfect timing... The rainbow, a perfect bridge from the sorrow I felt from losing my babies to the baby that refuses to let go, and the reminder that I can't allow myself to live in the past any longer. I need to celebrate what I have now...to be thankful, to dream, to live in the here and now.

I am hoping to archive from now on some of the good points of this pregnancy, as it goes on, now that I am finally becoming comfortable with it all. A good start would be actually showing what I look like now...about 10-12 pounds heavier with a tummy starting to show. I promise to do that sometime over the weekend...finally. It was something I had been avoiding.

Great things come in...

...Blue packages.



Yep, you guessed it. I will be outnumbered in my house:






But, we have healthy...growing perfectly on target for 18 weeks, 2 days with ten fingers, ten toes, perfect heart, perfect everything. We are happy....and so relieved, halfway through this pregnancy.

Now, we have to think about names... "C's" and "K's" since that is what we have in our little family. But, we have time for that...and won't decide specifically until he arrives into this world. However, it is a shame I can't reuse "Christopher" since, looking at the u/s pics, this little boy will look just like him (especially in the second pic):







And, here is a pic from when Chris was only six weeks old:



And, at 3 1/2 years old:



The resemblance is rather uncanny...even for siblings.

The one thing, though, that is left for worry is that although my cervix via u/s is nice and closed and measuring perfectly in length, the doctor at the MFM clinic wants me back in for another u/s in two weeks for a re-check. He could see via the u/s "trauma" to the cervix and asked if I had had surgery in the past. When I told him I was induced with Chris (Cervidil and balloon catheter to get to 4 cm's, then Pitocin to get to 10 cm's) and had two d&c's (which requires service dilation), he said it should be re-checked. So, I will be back for another view on 1/24. Thank goodness for insurance...it will be nice to see the little man again.

I think, finally, I can have some comfort in this pregnancy... E2 (or Elvis 2, since we called Chris "Elvis" while pregnant with him because we didn't find out the gender in that pregnancy) is perfect. He is healthy.

I couldn't ask for more, now could I?

Holding on...

Sorry to be so MIA - Blogging has been such an amazing outlet for me since my last miscarriage and not being able to get on here to vent (which, by the way, a major one is coming in this post!) has been a huge detriment. I can't believe I have not posted in almost a month. Things are just very crazy right now...and I am not sure when it will all come to an end.

Thanks to those who have e-mailed me to ask me how things are going and what's been happening. I appreciate immensely your thoughts and well wishes. Thank you for taking the time to check in.

Where to begin... where to begin...

The pregnancy is going just fine... At my last prenatal appoint on December 12th, the heartbeat was 144 bpm on doppler, which is about where Chris' heartbeat was from the second trimester forward. Not sure if that is a sign pointing toward gender or not...but, I will take it. Healthy and happy is all I want. My next appointment (Level II u/s) is not until January 10th - 8 days from today. That has become a major source of stress for me as of late, especially with the holidays and everyone now knowing what is going on. Going a whole month without any check-up has really thrown me (although it really shouldn't) and made me stress about every little normal thing. The fear of losing this baby has not left me, even with the very tiny kicks I am already feeling. I have yet to enjoy this pregnancy...and I just hate myself for it. I am 17 weeks, 1 day today - and I just don't feel connected. Every time something comes out of my mouth about the pregnancy - whether it be about when I plan to take maternity leave, what I want to do for the baby's room, what toys we need to refresh for a second use, what we need to borrow - I feel like I am dooming this pregnancy to fail. All I want is to enjoy this - love this baby as he/she deserves to be. Yet, I feel like I am watching this pregnancy pass through the eyes of a third party - like my pregnancy is taking place through someone else and I am only seeing glimpses of it. How much reassurance is it going to take for me to finally be able to enjoy the new beat-up sessions in the middle of the night? To be happy about finally beginning to show a little bit? To dream about how Chris will be as a big brother and how they will grow up together?

I should have moved on to being happy and secure in this pregnancy by now, but it just isn't happening and it is not fair. This pregnancy is the biggest miracle and wish come true, and it feels like it is slipping out between my fingers.

...And, although I am happy to be gaining the weight from this pregnancy, I am NOT happy with the fact that I gained 10 pounds already! If I keep cruising at this speed, I am going to gain the full 40 lbs back that I lost. I gained a healthy 27 pounds in my pregnancy with Chris, and I wanted to try to hover around that weight. But, it has been very hard keeping food away from my mouth this time around - it has been a very different pregnancy with less nausea and way more cravings... I am hoping that the weather warms up a bit soon so I can get out and walk a little of the weight off!

Work is also turning into a major worry:

First, we still have that crazy Associate Director here...albeit sporadically. Allegedly, her middle child had a major infection in the bone and had to be in the hospital on IV antibiotics for two weeks to clear it - this, after she took two weeks off for no reason until my Director sent her a letter telling her that she was to take this "leave" without pay and that she had to return on December 10th or her job would be terminated...then the "leave" turned into "doctor's orders" for either anxiety or high blood pressure. She is yet to produce the proper medical documentation about her child's illness...or her own. I hate to ever think that someone would be crazy enough to lie about their child's illness... If her child was in fact really sick, I pray that he is okay. But, the lies and tall-tales on her part keep coming...and the rest of us are left to pick up the work she is choosing not to do. But, we have to have all of our ducks in a row in order to terminate - and my Director is desperately trying to do just that.

Second, my Center Administrator is set to retire at the end of June - while I am out on maternity leave. This scares the hell out of me for several reasons: 1) She has been the ONLY Center Administrator here for the entire time I have worked here (9 1/2 years, plus a few months as a temp over the summer of 1996) and she knows how my programs run and is such a priceless back-up for me, and 2) Her replacement that she is proposing is someone I have heard from several people cannot be trusted and is very hard to work for; AKA, you cannot tell her anything personal or else she will use it against you with other people in the office.

It is still not clear who will be doing my work over the summer, especially with the unknowns going on with said Associate Director above. I have to begin looking at new insurance plans because my current insurance of 9 1/2 years is bring disbanded by the State...and I have to pick carefully because there are so many doctors involved in my pregnancy care, and of Chris and his PDD-NOS diagnosis. And, I am really tiring of the hour commute in/out of work after these 9 1/2 years...a commute that should only take 35 minutes without traffic - people are just freakin crazy driving in NJ.

Thinking of trying to change jobs right now is really impossible - I don't know what I want in a job, except I want closer to home and maybe the ability to work from home a couple of days a week (which my bosses promised when I returned from my leave with Chris, but had to rescind because of someone else in the office). And, now that we are in the New Year and my due date is practically in five months, trying to find a new job now is just not likely to happen. I am trying to keep my game-face on here, despite the hurdles, because my Director and Center Administrator, and the entire staff (minus the crazy Associate Director who, to my knowledge, doesn't even know about this PG) have just be wonderful through it all. I like working here, although I would much rather be a full time, stay at home mom. So, I am trying to stick it out until the fall, and then decide what to do.

Then, there is the issues still rolling around about what to do with Chris and school and his diagnosis of PDD-NOS. Hubby (which I will rant about very shortly) dropped the ball BIG TIME on this. I wanted our response in to the Child Study Team by mid- to end of November since we had the draft IEP and we had finally seen the placements offered first-hand - he did not send the response until December 20th, essentially guaranteeing no movement in his placement for January, which would have been a very natural transition from one program (his nursery school) to another. I kept asking Hubby about the letter - when was I going to see a draft of it, when was he sending it - and progress came in spurts until we got a letter from the child study team stating that they would close Chris' file unless they heard from us within 15 days of that letter. I blew my top at Hubby with that - HE wanted to write the letter, outlining all of the issues we had with the school district, the placements offered, how the choices of placements were extremely inappropriate because HE wanted to document the laws and how their suggestions in no way fit the laws. So, the letter finally got out...and, of course, there was no way we were going to hear from them over Christmas. We did get a request for a meeting with the child study team on Friday...which is good. But, there is more to go...and we are wasting Chris' precious time!

Luckily for us, Chris has made sooooo much progress with private speech therapy once a week - he is talking in complete sentences now, is jumping/hand-flapping less (except when extremely tired), is initiating conversations about things at school he does. It is wonderful to see how much he has grown up in the 4 months he has been in speech therapy. But, it is still not fair to him to make him wait this long...and I am pissed with Hubby on it.

....And, then there was the holidays....and the lack of rest and time with Chris, thanks to the Hubby.

Hubby is a wonderful man - in the grand scheme of things, he is the best of husbands and confidants and friends. But, as of late, since losing his last job in October, he is sliding and I don't recognize the man I married anymore.

Along with the long delay on getting the child study team letter done for Chris, I know he is not really pursuing finding a new job nearly as hard as he should be - he is waiting for the guy he worked for in between the last job and the one prior to that to make a good, permanent offer. BUT, I am just not sure I trust the guy...and that he will pay Hubby enough to justify the long hours and the still very long commute (a true hour from our house). Hubby has been on one - yes, ONE - interview since losing that last job, and the interview came from a job reference from a fellow attorney. He is not looking - I know he is not, and he doesn't seem to think I can see through the facade and the stories he has created for himself.

Also, I have been asking Hubby to get things finished in the new addition in the house for weeks now - since before Thanksgiving, when the majority of the work was done: like, the flooring in the new part of the living room, the flooring in the now-smaller front porch, the painting of the new front porch. And, you know what he did - despite knowing he is on the internet late a night or watching movies to all hours? He left it ALL for the weekend right before Christmas. Despite my asking him NOT to do that.

So, my house was torn apart for three days prior to Christmas, while my in-laws managed to arrange for the family piano to be delivered to our house over that same weekend without really asking me first...after which I had to clean from the mess of the work, clean the rest of the house, make sure Hubby got rid of his piles and piles of crap (he is a major pack-rat), make sure the rest of the Holiday shopping was done, try to prepare for my family coming over for dinner on Christmas. I was touching up painting he did in the front porch an hour before going to his aunt's house for Christmas Eve.

All of this last-minute work should not have happened.

The Christmas holidays were a blur...save for the pictures that are sitting in my e-mail right now that I will eventually post (there were some bright spots in there...of Chris and the other kids).

Of course, my brother from Texas - whom I have not spoken to in well over a year for various reasons, most specifically, his comments about my losses - just HAD to call Christmas Day and spread his "holiday cheer." He was, as usual, going on and on about how he is a better parent than his ex (although, his actions are what spurred the divorce in the first place) and how he has found God and how he can forgive but not forget - Uh, doesn't forgiving mean forgetting? So, I cut him short with the fact that I am expecting again and how I need to go since our parents were coming over for dinner and I needed to finish cooking...and a very half-hearted promise to call him sometime... Like that will happen any time soon.

Then, we had the post-holiday clean-up and preparation for a holiday dinner with Hubby's friends this past Sunday and the New Year's Eve party at our house. The New Year's party was so-so - had so much food, yet half the people who were supposed to come never bothered to tell me that they were now NOT coming....and then Hubby's family decided to skip out on New Year's Day at our house, which means I am left with food that is going to spoil.

I have ended up so frazzled because of it all, that I had an anxiety attack after everyone had left New Year's Eve night - alone at 2 AM, trying to sleep on the futon in the back bedroom so I didn't wake Chris, feeling like I was going to puke my brains out. ...And, I was not able to take the Xanex that has always worked to stop it.

...I am still recovering from it.

And, on top of it all...Hubby's car died on Interstate 78 on his way home from work before the New Year's Holiday last week. His engine blew in his 1993 Escort, essentially making it useless. So, we now have to find him a newer car while he is borrowing either my car on my carpool days or his father's. We knew we had to replace his car eventually...but not this soon.

I got one quiet day with Chris in the entire holiday break...and I am so upset and hurt about it and with my Hubby, I am without words. That should not have happened at all.

I know Hubby is depressed about his job situation - and the fact that he does not really want to be an attorney. This isn't the first time he has acted this way - just no to this extreme, to the point of having the stress affect me so much physically and emotionally. However, I had offered to him twice now to let us invest the money into getting him out of this career - there are a number of firms that can help attorneys get into new fields. Yet, he has not done that, nor has he been actively looking for a new job.

I have told him he needs to go back to his therapist - which he stopped going to after he got his last job. He has not done that either. So, I am making an end-run and asking my therapist to call his (they are colleagues) in the hope that a session can be set up soon...and maybe Hubby can start getting things back together.

I am so tired of trying to carry it all - the worry of this pregnancy being successful, taking care of the house, taking care of Chris and trying to get him the right services, working full time, balancing the holidays and the get-togethers, trying to make sure the bills are paid when he is not. He is not pulling his weight...and anything I have said, whether it be calmly or screaming like a banshee or in tears Christmas morning, is in one ear and out the other.

We have five months to get things together financially - I go out on maternity leave in early June and this leave will be unpaid except for the 6 weeks disability I am entitled to and two weeks sick time I have accumulated since my maternity leave with Chris. With that, if we want to stay on my insurance, we need to pay COBRA to keep it in effect for those three months. Only five months for him to settle either into a new job or straighten things out with the attorney he is working for right now - and, Hubby is just not seeing the urgency in that.

I don't know what to do about it now...and the stress it is putting on me. I can't take the Xanex right now...and my doc would prefer that I not go back on Lexapro to manage the stress...

...But, I have been through so many nights of insomnia now, and this anxiety last attack on New Year's Eve night, which I have not had since I started Lexapro the first time in mid-December 2006 - it is taking its toll on me. Eventually, this stress is going to affect this pregnancy...and I am so scared of that and what could happen because of it.

I can't make him do anything....especially where counseling and jobs are concerned. But, I am coming to my wits end with this, so much so that I was not a very pleasant person to be around when we went out to dinner with Zia and S last Friday night. I know dinner was a little uncomfortable that night...and I feel bad about it.

I am trying to hold on, but is getting harder and harder to do when Hubby is not trying at all, and everything is falling to me to try to scrape together. Everything is whirling past me right now...and I am enjoying nothing, especially this precious pregnancy and Chris.

We Hold On
by Rush

How many times
Do we tire of all the little battles
Threaten to call it quits
Tempted to cut and run

How many times
Do we weather out the stormy evenings
Long to slam the front door
Drive away into the setting sun

Keep going until dawn
How many times must another line be drawn
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

How many times
Do we chaff against the repetition
Straining against a fate
Measured out in coffee breaks

How many times
Do we swallow our ambition
Long to give up the same old way
Find another road to take

Keep holding on so long
'Cause there's a chance
that we might not be so wrong
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

How many times
Do we wonder if it's even worth it
There's got to be some other way
To get me through the day

But we hold on

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting - 2007

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting will be held this Sunday, December 9th. Held annually the second Sunday in December, The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe as they light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.





As per the The Compassionate Friends web page, The Worldwide Candle Lighting is believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe - It creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

As history, The Worldwide Candle Lighting started in the United States in 1997 as a small Internet observance but has since swelled in numbers as word has spread throughout the world of the remembrance. A memorial message board is available during the event at TCF's USA website www.compassionatefriends.org. Hundreds upon hundreds of postings are received each year from all over the United States, as well as dozens of other countries. Some messages are in foreign languages.

Here in the United States, publicity about the event is widespread, being featured in the past in Parade Magazine, Ann Landers column (where my mother found out about it), Guideposts magazine, Annie’s Mailbox, and literally hundreds of U.S. newspapers, dozens of television stations, and numerous websites. Information on the Worldwide Candle Lighting and planned memorial candle lighting services is posted on the TCF website at www.compassionatefriends.org each year as the event nears.

The United States Senate has, for many of the 10 years of the Worldwide Candle Lighting, joined in the remembrance by unanimously passing resolutions declaring the second Sunday in December of each year National Children’s Memorial Day to coincide with The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting.

The Worldwide Candle Lighting gives bereaved families everywhere the opportunity to remember their child . . . that their light may always shine!

13 weeks... And I can't seem to shake the fear

I am 13 weeks today... Officially (or unofficially, if you are a strict mathematician and go by being exact with 13 weeks, 3 days) into the second trimester. Officially "out of the danger zone" for miscarriage.

But, I am still having such a hard time being happy about this pregnancy....

...No, no. I don't mean not happy - I am happy. But, I am still having a hard time being comfortable about this pregnancy. Feeling comfortable... Feeling safe...

I have had repeat betas, all goods one. I have had three u/s's, all showing (and hearing) heartbeats, on-target growth, fetal movement. I cannot wear my regular pants anymore. I have felt what felt like movement already, last week later at night while trying to fall asleep (that percolating feeling, which I know from my PG with Chris is not gas).

But, none of this seems to alleviate the fear that, with everyone knowing about this pregnancy (which is getting rather hard to hide now anyway), something is going to go wrong. That I am going to have to un-tell everyone...again...the hardest to tell being Chris.

Days before each appointment are spent in an anxiety-ridden panic state:

• Sleep is minimal for days leading up to the appointment, which brings on additional nausea.
• I begin to make up scenarios in my head of how will I react to finding out the baby has died. Will I cry or be angry? Will I be able to drive home? How will I tell everyone? How will I face everyone? How will this loss end?
  
• I get short with the Hubby, nit-picking such little things he does, when he has been so great taking care of things I don't have the energy to do myself.
• I recoil from Hubby as he touches my tummy, talking to the baby growing in there.

Then, after the appointment ends and we leave with u/s pics in hand, I feel guilty for the things that I am preventing myself from doing:

• Talking to the baby myself in those days leading up to the appointments, in fear of getting to attached and having my heart ripped out again.
• Allowing Hubby to have his time with the baby...telling him/her the stories and singing the songs he used to tell and sing to Chris when I was pregnant with him.
• Feeling the joys of carrying another life with me every day.

After my last m/c in 3/06, I remember feeling such guilt for not praying enough for that baby to stay with us. I talked with my therapist about it - how I always carry this guilt that maybe if I had hoped and prayed enough for that baby, instead of feeling so guarded toward the PG to protect myself from the pain again, that maybe the baby would have stayed with us. I know the guilt is irrational... That there was nothing I could have done to save that baby.

Yet, here I am with that same fear...and that same guilt for feeling that same fear... Even with knowing that up until now, this baby is doing just fine. He/she is growing and thriving...and, has a much greater chance of surviving and being born.

All of the doctors involved are so positive, so reassuring that things are going to progress just fine. Why can't I allow myself to feel that?

I have built such a strong defense mechanism for myself...and it is so impenetrable, that I am having a hard time living one day at a time, enjoying the time I have with this pregnancy.

I miss my naiveness I had when PG with Chris. It was a time when I felt nothing could go wrong...that loss could never possibly factor into my world. When morning sickness, as awful as I felt at times, still meant that I would bring a child home in the end. That m/c could never happen to me.

I know all too well now that anything can happen... That just because God has allowed this PG to happen, the "natural" way, does not mean I will bring a baby home. That just because I felt like I was going to puke at any moment, the baby may not necessarily be alive.

I wish I could find that total optimistic side of myself again... I used to always think the cup was half-full. I feel so different now...always waiting for the world to fall in on me.

Maybe these feelings will change once I start feeling movement consistently...have a little reassurance between appointments that he/she is moving around. That won't happen for a few weeks more...

Until then, what do I do?

I want this baby more than anything... To finally give Chris the sibling I always wanted him to have. To finally give the grandparents another grandchild to spoil. To finally give our family the gift of a new life.

How do I stop myself from fearing the worst?

This baby is finally becoming real...tangible...

I wanted to post these yesterday... but, the NT scan the appointment took a LONG time, then I had to go shopping for a birthday present for a party tomorrow, and then my IL's and I took Chris to the Turtle Back Zoo to see their Holiday Lights Show.

The next u/s went very well - baby's heartbeat is still around 150 bpm, he/she is moving around and measuring right on for where I am. Phew!!

I won't know results from the NT Scan (risk of Downs, trisomy 13 and 18) until the b/w comes back next week and that is compared with the scan. From there, we decide if we need to do an amnio. We met with the genetic counselor prior to the u/s and we basically decided that if my risk of chromosome issues is low (say 1/900, etc), I won't do the amnio. But, if my odds are higher than the m/c rate of the amnio (which is 1/300), then we will do it. So, that is for next week and will be continued then.

Meanwhile, the MFM clinic is checking my homocysteine levels (Dr. D didn't think it was necessary, but the clinic wants it done). I am scheduled for a Level II u/s on 1/10/08 at 18 weeks (they will check cervix then due to induction of Chris and the d&e/d&c history) and after that, I will go back to them for about 2 more u/s's to check fetal growth due to thyroid issues. All the while, still going to Dr. D for normal prenatal checks.

One of the best parts is that according the the MFM clinic scale, I weight 2 pounds less than I did at Dr. D's office 2 weeks ago! YEAH! I am getting worried about my weight (not because of how much I lost, but because I am eating SO MUCH, SO OFTEN!). So, we will see what Dr. D's scale says in 2 weeks!

Here are the u/s pics from yesterday:









I am still so, so guarded about this pregnancy - always scared of the next u/s, the next doppler check, etc. Thinking the rug is ready to be ripped out from under me... That I am going to find out this baby is going to leave us too.

It has been so hard for me to think positively...to be happy...to enjoy this time. I want to. And, I am trying. I want to enjoy when Hubby talks to the baby, whispering how much he loves him/her already. I want to be happy when Chris pats my tummy, saying hello to his younger sibling. I want to glow when people start to notice I am growing into maternity clothes.

But, I think it is finally starting to sink in now that this PG may very well work. I am closing the door to the first trimester now - and, it has been very uneventful. I think we are looking at bringing a baby home in June...finally, a sibling for Chris to love and protect.

I want so much to believe...

A bittersweet Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving Day...a rather mixed bag for 2007.

As we celebrate the beginning of the holidays with both sets of families, we get to announce today the new, unexpected addition to the clan.

But, as we break the news to the family that doesn't know, we are also remembering that two years ago today, we lost Angel #2.

It will be a different experience, getting to tell the bulk of the family at 11+ weeks pregnant, since I was able to hide this pregnancy (for the most part). The lack of the mega-nausea has been nice.

But, while I am very happy to finally share the news, I still miss, very much, my second Angel. Life changed so much for us - for me - two years ago. This loss brought me way down emotionally to a point I never thought I could reach. Losing this baby was my first major fall, followed in March 2006 with the fall even further of losing Angel #3. It has taken me so, so long to recover from losing these babies...

Although I am still having a hard time feeling comfortable with the idea of this baby staying with us, and making it to June, I am beginning to feel hope and faith that my body will do its job. I haven't felt this way since my pregnancy with Chris. It feels nice...it's been a while.

I am so very thankful today - for so many things: My Chris, my marriage, this new blessing, my family and friends...and the chance to learn from, remember, honor and cherish always my angels, who I know are watching over us.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. May this holiday season bless everyone.

Prayer request for a friend's son

My friend, C's, son is having surgery tomorrow on the artery on his trachea.

James has been in and out of the hospital since birth - for so many things, including serious, recurring sinus infections. He is such a fighter. And a great little boy (although, because of C living in Florida, we have never met him).

I ask that all of you say a little prayer for him for his surgery tomorrow... He could really use it...as could his family.

Thanks. :)

Beautiful things

In my Women Who Do Too Much calender today, I received this:

"To be surrounded by beautiful things has much influence on the human creature; to make beautiful things has more."
- Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Well...I am making something beautiful...

And, it is amazing.

My EDD is now changed (by one day) to June 10th - I am measuring perfectly from the u/s done on 10/24: 10 weeks, 1 day. I am also getting kicked and punched like a massive soccer ball...might have to talk to this baby about it when I start feeling the movement in the weeks to come. Heart rate is about 150 bmp.

And, I gained no weight from the last appointment three weeks ago - very good, since I am eating like a cow right now!

Everything looks so perfect...so right.

It is so amazing right now. But, it still feels so, so unreal - two years ago this Thanksgiving Day, I had my d&e for my second m/c. This Thanksgiving, we will be sharing very different - very good - news at just a few days shy of 12 weeks pregnant. It is hard to wrap my head around that. I am having a hard time, still, feeling happy. I am - I am elated! But, I have - and probably always will until this baby is born - that cautious voice in the back of my head. I am trying hard to ignore it...but, knowing how bad things can go now, it is rather hard to ignore it.

I am taking it day by day... And praying day by day...

My IF and RPL Story

From when I was a very young child, my dream was always to be happily married, financially well off just enough that the bills were paid without worry, and to be a stay-at-home mom to several children. As I grew older, most of that dream remained...although the details of it became a little hazy with going to college, getting a degree, starting a job, marrying later than I had hoped to, and starting a family later than I had ever planned on. The attempt to start a family later is when my dream began to really fall apart...and so did my heart. No one ever expects Infertility. No one ever expects Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. Why was this delivered to OUR doorstep? What did we do wrong in our lives to deserve this? Why did I have to become a part of that 12.5% of the population experiencing infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss...which, statistically, ranks right up there with so many other medical "epidemics."

I have gone to three ob/gyn's in my lifetime - but, only Dr. D (my third and current ob/gyn) was ever concerned about my long, erratic cycles I had lived with all of my life - by Jove! Someone was finally concerned! He did some preliminary testing, but could not really find anything wrong that would be causing them. So, we just waited a bit with the caveat that 1) when we were ready to TTC, that I call him and let him know when we were going to start trying so he could re-run the testing he had done and 2) that whenever we started getting frustrated if things were not happening, that I call him (even if it was under the 12 month TTC wait for someone under the age of 35 years old) so he can really start running the full IF testing. We started TTC in January 2002 - by November 2002, nothing was happening and I had probably 4 cycles in that time period. So, we called and scheduled the TTC consult that month...and testing began immediately. By June 2003, all testing was complete - problem was ovulation, as in I wasn't at ovulating at all and was told that if I did finally ovulate in a very long cycle, that the chances of the pregnancy being viable would be slim to none since the uterine lining would be too old to support a healthy PG, making miscarriage inevitable. Hearing that the chances of me ever conceiving naturally just broke my heart. For someone whose dream was essentially to be a mommy, it was the worse news you could receive. After that, we started our first Clomid/IUI cycle in July 2003 with Dr. D - and, so thankfully, it worked and Christopher was born in May 2004.

Dr. D, after Chris was born, had told us that when we were ready to TTC #2, to let him know immediately - since I have the erratic cycle history and documented ovulation issues, that I would not have to TTC for 12 months before he could intervene. So, we contacted him in June 2005 to start TTC - and my dreams began to crumble when even what worked to conceive Chris didn't work now. Our first cycle in July 2005 of 50 mg Clomid never even produced an ovulation. Our second cycle in September 2005 of 100 mg Clomid finally produced an ovulation - but, so poorly and without warning even on u/s, we scrapped the IUI. But, I ended up getting PG, only to start bleeding a week after my BFP... Three weeks later, a blighted ovum was finally confirmed 100% and a d&e was done on 11/22/05. The Thanksgiving weekend was the worst in history...facing the family was horrible. I couldn't escape the pity in their eyes...and the total lack of mentioning what had happened, for fear I would break down at the beautifully decorated table. In an attempt to "recover" from the loss, we pushed forward into the next cycle in January 2006 - yet again, 100 mg Clomid and IUI. But I never made it to the IUI because I couldn't recover from the stomach virus DS had gifted to me. The IUI was canceled. When I finally felt better, I found I did ovulate (checking OPKs and temping) - Hubby and I made due, and DTD. Two weeks later, I got the BFP. This time, I felt PG - so, although very guarded, we went into the first u/s with joy and laughter...only to be swatted down again when no heartbeat was discovered and the baby was measuring more than a week behind. I had a missed m/c...although I still had all of the symptoms. Of course, my doc did another u/s a few days later to confirm...and I asked for the d&c right away. I was just devastated... This was now my third loss total. How could that be, after having a perfectly normal, successful PG with my DS? I ended up spiraling into anxiety for more than a year...and only with counseling and medication did I finally begin to learn how to deal with it all and accept where my life was going.

The most amazing thing - and I know I am in a very small the minority for this - is our insurance coverage came through with flying colors during all of our experiences of heartbreak and joy. I am a State Employee in NJ - and the medical benefits makes working full time so worth it. The ONLY things not covered by my insurance were OPK's and HPT's. All of my IF testing (loads of b/w, HSG, pelvic/trasnvaginal u/s's, etc.) with the exception of the prerequisite co-pays ($5 in 2002 - $15 now); the IUI cycle that resulted in my PG with Chris, including the semen wash/semen analysis and the monitoring u/s's; all of the prenatal checks and birth expenses of Christopher, again with the prerequisite co-pays and with the exception of the additional cost of the private room I wanted; both the d&e in 11/05 and the d&c in 3/06, along with the genetic testing of the fetal remains removed; all of the recurrent pregnancy loss testing (viles after viles of b/w and other tests); and, finally, all of the care (so far) of this very surprising, high-risk pregnancy - ALL of it was covered. I cannot even fathom how much money all of these tests, procedures, medications and care would have cost me out of pocket. My insurance covered it all, except for the simple co-pays. I don't think DH and I could have come this far without the coverage - coverage that, quite frankly, if mandated correctly by the States of this country, should be available to all of us. I was able to get IF testing done earlier because of coverage - so, it did not take me nearly as long as some women TTC to get PG because the resources and money were there. I was able to get RPL testing done much earlier with my coverage - saving us from longer-term disappointments and heartache, not to mention, allowing me to be TREATED for the medical conditions I have that will affect me later in life. Our coverage, in the end, not only saved us financially...but also gave us peace of mind that we didn't need to worry about the expense of it all during our journey. Less worry = less stress.

It is heartbreaking - and unfathomable - that couples in the US have to risk it all to have a child. Having a child is a natural part of life - or should be made as natural as humanly possible with the appropriate resources and coverage. But, with a statistic of 12.5% of the population experiencing infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss...insurance coverage needs to step up and start helping people become families. IF and pregnancy loss is not only a physical condition - but, eventually, they become emotional conditions as well resulting in lost hours with family and at work. The coverage I have - which includes 4 IVF cycles lifetime (which I wish I could gift to someone who could really use it) - should be the model for all States to copy from.

Helping out a fellow Stirrup Queen

Mel over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters sent out the following call for assistance.

Go on over and give Mel a huge assist with this! It is for a good cause we all, unfortunately, share in.
==============================================================

So you're receiving this because you are a stirrup queen and I am a stirrup queen and I need your help. I was nominated for an award and at first, I was just touched and it was really nice. Then, Flicka wrote her post this week (http://vacantuterus.typepad.com/vacantuterus/2007/11/you-should-see-.html)
and it gave me an idea. Do I want to win? Hell yeah. But do I see a larger thing we could do with this? Yes.

This award thing will probably get press and I've certainly seen a rise in hits this week since it was announced. Flicka wrote about drafting a letter that people could use. I'd like to win this and use the glance that the general population will give to the winner to draw attention to the IF/pg loss blogosphere. To our issues (especially in an election year). To the reality of IF. Not a letter about how hard it is, but the reality of what it is like to have to pay thousands simply for a chance to get to the parenting starting line. What we need in terms of mandated coverage or job leave. The facts of IF (in numbers and statistics) laid bare.

And then post this letter if I win. Post it even if I don't win, but the winner will be announced at the end of the week/this weekend (I think) and we would need it ready to go up when the most people would be looking. With the blogroll list highlighted (take a look at 1000 stories if you need faces on the issue).

So the help from you--if you can give it this week--is two-fold. Flicka, if you can spearhead this, can you organize anyone who wants to participate (hit reply to this email and I'll compile the list of email addresses and pass them along to Flicka) and get multiple people to do research at once. And start writing this (I'll help you). We just need to finish it by Thursday-ish.

The other thing I need you to do is to ask you to use your blog to get other people to vote. It's three clicks (click on the link, click on Stirrup Queens, and click off the site) and you can vote once every 24 hours. The link to the voting site is http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-blog-1.php. Voting goes until November 8th. I'm posting this letter regardless, but if we want to take advantage of the general population's attention, I have to actually win.

So, um...begging for your help since I feel like my blog is a community space regardless. It is, after all, your virtual living room/bar...minus the pee bucket. If you know of other people who
would want to participate and you're not sure if they got this note (sorry, did a BCC because I'm squeamish about privacy and don't like sending out other people's email addresses unless they say it's okay), pass it along. We just need to move quickly.

Wow...I feel like an activist. Just in time for National Infertility Awareness Week!

Mel

Halloween 2007

Figured I would have some fun today (since I am half-asleep at my desk...and I can't seem to concentrate on my work anyway...) and post some Halloween 2007 pics.

Enjoy!

The first pic in full costume.


Ahoy, matey!


Arrrr! Check out my hook!


Uh, ma? Do you think this is big enough for all the candy?


Christopher's class party:


Trick or Treating:


Visiting the Great Pumpkin:


Chris and Angelina:


Chris kissing Angelina:


All right, ma! Enough of the kissing Angelina pictures!


Hubby's Cuban uncle as a Sumo Wrestler:


The "rear view". Smashing, no?


Sumo with Angelina:

Coincidences...bringing me to acceptance

Today would have been my third angel's first birthday...and today was also the first sign of my second miscarriage.

Amazing how anniversaries sneak up on you...

But, I am not very sad today. So much has changed, it is rather hard to describe the lack of sadness. Sadness seems to have been replaced with calm. With gratefulness. With lessons learned (the rather hard way).

I am realizing this current pregnancy is revolving around quite a number of coincidences...all that refer back in one way or another to anniversaries of all three of my miscarriages:

1. 9/19/07 was my approximate ovulation date with this pregnancy...and also the third anniversary of the loss of my first angel on 9/19/04.
2. My second angel should have been due in 6/06...and I find that I am yet again due in June 2008.
   
3. 10/30/05 was the day my bleeding started with my second angel, rollercoastering into knowing that I would eventually lose that baby...and I find myself today trying to hold back the nausea from this surprise pregnancy while trying to get Chris to calm down during his flu shot.
4. 10/30/06 was my third angel's due date as well, rather impacting what the Halloween celebrations became...until now, as I look at the u/s picture of my beautiful baby.
5. Did I mention that, if we went by Dr. D's pregnancy wheel, I would be almost 2 weeks ahead of where I actually am, putting my due date at 5/28/08? My first angel would have been due 5/28/05.
   

So many coincidences...I am not sure what to make of it all.

I miss my angels immensely. There is no doubt about that. But, I am starting to believe, with all of the coincidences before me, that all three losses were my angels' way of saying to step back from the whole process...let things happen the way they should...eventually, when I learn to live again, everything will be right.

I have been living again...enjoying my time with Chris and DH again, really like I used to before we started TTC again in July 2005.

Makes me wonder...

- If I didn't go through these losses, how long would it have taken for us to find out about the underlying medical problems that needed to be addressed?

- Would my body have eventually figured out what to do on its own?

- Would I have let go of the idea of another child and stop charting, opening the door wide open to this baby's surprise?

I think I can finally say I have learned from my angels. I finally listened to what they wanted me to hear. I was too set on doing things in MY time to listen to them, or to anyone. When I finally stopped the obsessing, the controlling, the planning - things have happened the way they should have.

And, the joke was on us...with message provided through Chris mentioning something about a baby sister out of the blue on a simple Saturday night.

I am forever grateful for this lesson... I hope I can continue to learn, and to quit the controlling ways that have ruled my personality for so long.

I love you, my angel babies. I always will, no matter what. And, thank you. I know, with all three of you watching, the chances of this baby holding on and making it through are that much greater.

A beautiful rainbow....

We have seen the rainbow...

...And, it is beautiful.



















WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!!!

142 BPM.

MEASURING RIGHT ON FOR MY APPROXIMATE OVULATION DATE.

ABOUT 7 WEEKS...AND POSSIBLY A COUPLE OF DAYS.

I go back on 11/14 for another scan (doc suggested doing this to keep my mind at ease). Once that scan is done, I head off to the MFM clinic for check-ups as well. Had all of the bloodwork done. Got my hospital packet. Got my prenatals filled. Got my b/w schedule for thyroid testing throughout the pregnancy.

Looks like there will be a new baby in the house in June 2008.

ETA: Here is the u/s pic:



**Notes the EDD is off - the 8 weeks 6 days is based on my LMP of 8/23/07, not the approximate ovulation date that it should be.

I am without words right now... That baby is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Heart beating. Head forming. That sight only equals seeing Chris for the first time four years ago at his first u/s.

I am beyond happy... Seeing that heart beating still feels like a dream that I never want to be woken from for anything (well, except for a Christopher hug). I still feel, in some way, that that moment was unreal...

...But, it was real. And, I couldn't have asked for more today...despite the rain...and the headache from crying in the u/s room.

Sorry, I would have posted sooner, but I had to wait 1+ hours for Dr. D to get there. He was stuck in a meeting about a half hour away. He asked that I wait for him...he didn't want to push me off on one of the other doctors. He wanted to make sure he did my u/s personally. And, to finally get good news in that u/s room, after 2 years of disappointment and heartache, leaves me speechless.

I am so happy... Anyone wanna do my work today?

Between 6 weeks, 6 days and 7 weeks, 1 day - Don't care. Just scared.

Tomorrow is u/s day... I have it together pretty well so far, despite the beast that is nausea setting in with force over the weekend. Comparatively, it is still not has bad as I had it with Chris. But, it is getting close.

I can't say I am glad to see it show up - it still gives me no guarantee of a healthy baby. I had morning sickness pretty bad (similar to this) with m/c #3 in 3/06 (bad enough that the anesthesiologist gave me something in the IV line during the d&c so I would wake up without it). Obviously, the nausea didn't indicate a positive outcome...so, I am not sure what to think.

I figured, to ease my mind a bit - and document things for posterity, if this does prove to be a healthy PG in the end - I would list the milestones I have passed without incident (or, better put, the things I couldn't achieve in past m/c's):

1. I have made it past 4 weeks 1 day with a natural conception (my 1st m/c was technically a chemical conceived naturally...although my doc is counting it as m/c #1). I am somewhere between 6 weeks, 6 days and 7 weeks, 1 day now. This is way farther on a natural conception I have ever gotten...and only my second one at that.
   
2. As I indicated here, unlike the past 2 m/c's, my betas are much better this time - at least in doubling times (who's to say what DPO they really are...and I can't nickel and dime that now. They are still good either way.). So, at least the hormones are doing their thing the right way for a change.
3. I am between 6 weeks, 6 days and 7 weeks, 1 day today. No spotting. No cramping. Even after going out walking one mile a few times in the past 2 weeks. In m/c #2, I was bleeding at 27 DPO (or, about 5 weeks 1 day) and spotting often afterwards.
   

The big milestone to pass is tomorrow... The u/s:

In my last m/c in 3/06, I was only measuring 6 wks 4 days on u/s day - not the 7 wks 3 days it should have been.

If I can measure on-target tomorrow - between 7 weeks and 7 weeks, 2 days - and then measure on target again at the next u/s (whenever that is scheduled with the MFM clinic)... If we can finally see a heartbeat tomorrow, which I have not seen since my PG with Chris, then I think I can begin to feel a little more comfortable with the idea of this pregnancy.

There are so many hopes of mine riding on this surprise pregnancy...my therapist would have a field day with me if he was reading this!

• I am so thankful and blessed to have this pregnancy result from no less than an Oops! That has always been my wish...to get knocked up the good 'ol fashioned way. And, now that it has happened, I am so afraid of this blessing being ripped away from me.
• We finally have a real shot of making Chris an older brother...especially after him basically prompting me to test. I so want that for him. Now that we are a step closer, I am afraid of losing it...and him never knowing the closeness and understanding a sibling can bring.
  
• We have only told a select few about this...although my boobs are getting a little difficult to hide now, and a few people are suspecting. I don't want to have to go back and un-tell the select few who know, like I have done two times over. And, I don't want those who suspect what is happening to also suspect what happened again.
  

I know tomorrow's u/s is only the first step of many. I have a long pregnancy ahead of me, if this pregnancy is deemed viable tomorrow: at last monthly u/s's, double the prenatal checks (and time off from work for them), check-in's with the endocrinologist, b/w, b/w, b/w - and, me being on maternity leave during both of the 2008 summer programs I run (not that I feel guilty about that one!). There is no guarantee this pregnancy is going to make it by looking at the first u/s alone...

...But, it puts us one step closer...one milestone closer to achieving the family I had always dreamed of having.

I so want this to work.

The last time I was in that u/s room, I was confirming my 3/06 miscarriage... Dr. D's u/s room at this new office has nothing but negative memories (all of Chris' u/s's were done at his old office). I am not sure how I am going to react being in that room tomorrow. It has been a long time...