In a bit of a quandary....

So, I know, I know.... It's been a long time since I posted here. But, people are still reading and leaving comments of thanks to my posts.

....Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.

I am in a bit of a quandary right now. So, I am turning to the blogging world for a little bit of advice.

For the past 2 years, my whole self has been off - it's been very hard to explain, but most of it centers around my periods. I am okay....up until ovulation (since, I am in fact, ovulating!). Once that hits, I am a totally different person: moody, combative, overwhelmed by noise (including from my boys), unable to concentrate, forgetful, disinterested, eating everything in sight....the list goes on. The 3 weeks or so before ovulation is fine - I exercise, eat right, lose weight. Then, ovulation hits and I am out of commission for 3 weeks.

....This is getting really O-L-D....

I spoke to Dr. D at my annual last year - I opted to go up to 15 mgs. Lexapro. That worked for about 2 months...then it's been downhill from there.

I went for my annual yesterday with Dr. D (in his new posh office closer to my work - farther from my home) and I told him what has been building up for 2 years now. He said, guess what:

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pmdd/AN01372

Great...just great. Another disorder to add to my growing list!

**Thud**

He said there are a few options, of which some I have already tried and did not work, like the Lexapro increase (and I WILL NOT allow myself to go to 20 mgs. and have it not work after 2 months again!). There is one option which he said would most likely work:

....a minipill.

**Thud** **Thud** **Thud**

What am I supposed to do here? I have the MTHFR gene mutations....which can lead to clotting, right? And, what are one of the risks of the pill? You guessed it....clotting.

What the hell do I do now?

I need to get my life back here. I am losing time with my family...the family I fought for. But, at the same time, I don't want to risk my life over possible medical complications (and, yes, we have a will in place).

...I know I need to talk more with Dr. D....which I will do next week. He explained that this would be a non-estrogen pill, so it a much lower risk for clotting. That makes me feel a little better. I go for my annual physical next week, so I will have time to talk with Dr. M about this too.

I am just so unsure what to do right now. None of the conventional treatments have worked thus far, not even knowing this is what I am dealing with. I could use some input from anyone else who is dealing with the MTHFR issues right now....

Thanks.

Five years ago today....

...my world was breaking apart.

I was going through my second miscarriage today - well, at the time, I thought my first. I can't believe five years has already passed. It still feels, in many ways, like it was yesterday. And, here I sit, no one on my real life remembering, what this day means to me.

And, today, the day has been just as hectic and void of sanity as it was five years ago. But, that is another story I will save for much later.

Although I am so very grateful for what I have today, my heart still breaks for what never could be. I love my angels with all of my heart and soul, and still mourn all of the "what if's" that will never be fulfilled and realized. I wonder what my angel would be doing now...what Chris and my angel would be like together.

But, for what little time you were in my life, I know I could not be here as I am today without your short time. I needed you as you were...not what you should have been or could have been. You changed my life for the better, and for that, I am grateful. Someday, Chris and Gabriel will find out about you...and know more. For now, I will light my candle tonight for you and hold you in my heart for a while...

I love you, little one...

Coming back...soon...

Dear blog - I have neglected you for quite some time. For that, I feel terrible.

But, I needed time to decide what to do with you. I am still not sure where I am going per se with this... However, one thing I want to be clear on is that, although life has not been easy, I will not:

• whine
• complain
• insult
• take for granted anything

about my life on this blog. I can't - that would be insulting to anyone who finds this blog.

More coming soon....

October 15th: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day again

For all of us who have lost our precious angels...



May we find a little bit of peace today while we remembers our angels.

I will be lighting my candle tonight for:

Angel #1: Lost 9/19/04
Angel #2: Lost 11/22/05
Angel #3: Lost 3/21/06

I am always thinking of you...through the joys and the difficulties of every day...

The scariest day

It has been some time since I posted anything here - not sure why, except I am rather addicted to Facebook at the moment. ;)

Anywho, I think I have had, by far, the scariest day of my life last week - and one I would not want to repeat if I can help it.

People say, as you are TTC and/or are expecting, that you will never understand how strongly you will feel when your child is ill or injured. How your mind will just turn everything off except to focus on what is happening to your child and what it will take to make sure he/she is well.

Gabriel was hospitalized last week for a few days for a severe asthma attack.

Hubby and I were up all night with him Monday night because he was flippy while trying to sleep - barely sleeping, really, the entire night. We had given him a nebulizer treatment earlier in the evening because we knew he was having issues with his breathing - this has happened several times before already (last week was the fourth and most severe episode to date) and we knew what to do when he was starting to have issues. But, even with that treatment, he was still having some issues.

Tuesday morning came and his breathing was still rough - not too bad, but not what we had hoped to hear from the night before. Not knowing what I should do, I gave my MIL all of the meds he would need so she could do a nebulizer treatment that morning and told her to call me if he was getting worse or not getting better at all - I would call his pediatrician. She called me several times and each time, he seemed to be getting worse - even with the treatments. So, I called his pediatrician and got an appointment for right before lunch.

At 10:45 am, I flew out my office so I could pick him up and get him to the doctor's office. I am not sure how fast I was driving - but, making it from my office to my MIL's house to the pediatrician's office should NOT have taken me an hour. I shaved about a half hour off that time.

As we approached his office, I started to feel like I should have gone straight to the ER with Gabriel - but, not having ever really dealt with a child with asthma before, I also didn't want to be labeled the "overreactive parent." We parked the car and got Gabriel in to the building - and the office staff had us come right in, past all of the others waiting in the office. Once there, the doctor took a listen to him and immediately asked for meds to put in the nebulizer for him. He noted to me that, with a reaction this bad, we should have gone directly to the ER.

So, remind me to NEVER second guess that instinct.

After the treatment in his office, Gabriel seemed a little better - wheezing still, but not having very visible issues of struggling. He had us go home and immediately do another treatment - and, if by 3 pm, the wheezing was not gone or greatly lessened, he wanted us to go straight to the ER.

We got him, did the nebulizer, and waited. Called Hubby to come home. Waited.

3 pm came - and the wheezing was not any better - and you could see he was breathing fast and he was trying to breathe in so hard, you could see his skin tugging and pulling around his collar bone and ribs. I called the doctor and off we went to the ER.

With the Hubby in the car next to Gabriel, I was not as aggressive driving to the ER - it also helped to know that the doctor was calling ahead to the ER so they knew what was coming.

Once we got to the ER, nurses and residents and doctors were checking him and rechecking him, got the nebulizer going, had chest x-rays ordered, and IV started. After a few hours, we were told he would be admitted, and finally we were up in a room in Pediatrics around 9:30 pm.

Gabriel stayed in Peds for 2 days (meaning I didn't shower for 2 days either...ewwww!) - nebulizer treatments every 2 hours for the first 24 hours and finally that time began to stretch as h the wheezing became less and the tugging for breathe slowed. He was finally cleared to go home on Thursday afternoon when there was more risk of him picking up another virus at the hospital.

He is officially diagnosed with asthma now - and we have our Asthma Action Plan, so we know what to try before we have to head to the ER again. The Asthma Action Plan accompanies his Allergy Action Plan since we found out in late August he has food allergies too: Egg (which was causing his constant eczema), Tree Nuts, and Peanuts (a Level 4 food allergy requiring an EpiPen), as well as some of other environmental allergies.

We are hoping we can get our house sold before the winter really hits so we can find somewhere newer and easier to clean for him - our house is so old that no matter how much we clean, it is never going to be good enough for him.

Anyone who has experience with asthma in children and food allergies, comments and advice are welcome! We don't want Gabriel - or us - to go through this again.

....Especially on the topic of how do you get your MIL to NOT smoke in her own house so Gabriel can be there? We were told he should be in no environment where there has been smoke - and he is over at my MIL's house 2-3 times a week, at least! How do you tell someone they can't smoke in their own home???

Another year older...but another year wiser??

Well, today is my 36th birthday...

The number just doesn't seem real to me - and I suppose I am in denial of being so close to 40 years old.

Crap.

Why is it, when you are in your teens, or college even, that you just NEVER think you would be this old?

Anyways, I have neglected here for almost 2 months - sorry, lots of stuff going on that I will try to elaborate on and vent about over the weekend. To sum up: I am surrounded by sick kids and family members who only can think of themselves - and unload their baggage on me. It's bringing me down big time...and making the anxiety levels go up. Not a good combination when I am trying to spend the little time I have with my boys and am awaiting a promotion at work.

...Where's my xanex...

I feel like my year and half of therapy is down the toilet and I am back where I started again.

Even bigger crap...

I do want to thank everyone who responded to my HPV questions in December. I since had a colposcopy (12/29) and the results were normal. SIGH!!

Dr. D gave me the various scenarios on how I could have ended up with this - and we will never be able to pin it down since this is the first time I as screened for it with a PAP. In the end, I feel that I don't think Hubby is straying - although I am still very hurt when I found a receipt in November from a local strip club for the amount of $250 that was visited the date of my first d&c (second miscarriage in November 2005). It was a very hard blow - one that I really let him have it over since I was crying my eyes out that day as he was whooping it up at the girlies (he claims it was for business...but, whatever). Anyways, I now have to make sure I have the annual PAP - no matter what.

Since my plans for tomorrow are no non-existent (part of my venting that is coming), I will try to log on to post a real update.

Until then...I guess I will have some cake tonight after we visit Hubby's grandfather who is on a rehab facility up here by us (yes, he is one of the "think only of ourselves" people).

Uh, I need some information

Apparently, Dr. D's office called on 11/19 (for which I didn't get the message until this past weekend when I cleaned out the old messages - Hubby never deletes old messages off the machine!) regarding my PAP test from my mid-October.

The PAP was normal, thank goodness.

However, the nurse mentioned I tested positive for the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV).

Uh, how???

I mean, I know how HPV is transmitted. But, does anyone know how long this could lie dormant and undetected? It has never come up in a PAP before - and, well, the only other person I had "been with" was back in 1995 (and protection was used).

...And, Hubby and I just celebrated 10 years of marriage in October, KWIM??...

How is this possible NOW??

Missing you, my second Angel Baby

Unfortunately, I am a day late on posting this, my baby Angel. I am sorry for that...but time for me is becoming less and less available these days.

However, what DID happen yesterday, in your honor, of sorts, was to have my new template uploaded for my blog.

My new template - thanks, Courtney! - includes my two angels I hold every day here, my three in heaven that I hope to hold someday..., and my Hubby in a setting that is the most peaceful to us. The beach.

I have a little moving around in the lists to do yet...but, overall, it is just perfect.

I miss you and miss all of my angels. But, I do carry you every day with me, as well as Christopher and Gabriel, on my charm bracelet. Whenever I hear that twinkle as the charms hit each other with the move of my hand...I remember.

I'm published in an article!!!

Wow! I was published!

I was approached in early October about an article on iParenting that was to be about couples who are experiencing infertility who seek professional counseling. I was sought out via Mel's Peer Infertility Counselor list - and was quite honored to be asked to assist with this article.

The article is now published...and I hope that everyone will give it a read and find some hope (and courage to dive into counseling, if you think you need it) in it:

Counseling Infertility:
Professional Help for the Emotional Side of Conception

Mel: Look how far your blog reaches! I am so glad to be a small part of it, even if, right now, my time is a little more limited. It is such a wonderful thing!

Missing you, my Angel Baby Girl

Today would have been my third angel's second birthday...

I miss you, my little Sarah. Thank you for spending your short time with us.... You are remembered always.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day: October 15th

It is a shame for all of us to have to post this year after year... But, for all of us who have lost our precious angels...



May we find a little bit of peace today while we remembers our angels.

I will be lighting my candle tonight for:

Angel #1: Lost 9/19/04
Angel #2: Lost 11/22/05
Angel #3: Lost 3/21/06

You are always in my heart, for the rest of my life and forever.

A year of incredible changes

My Hubby pointed out a few nights ago how much things have changed in one little year. Let's start from October 1, 2007:

• 10/07: We are working on evaluations, placements, therapy for Chris' PDD-NOS diagnosis

• 10/1/07: I tell hubby I am pregnant, after Chris mentions something about a "baby sister" and I set up to donate Chris' baby stuff

• 10/1/07: Hubby is laid off from his job after only 3 months

• 1/08: My IL's find out they are losing their house

• 5/08: My IL's get their house back

• 6/16/08: Gabriel is born

• 9/08: Hubby is offered a new job, after a few other offers he declines from other firms

• 9/29/08: We take Chris to a new pediatric neurologist and he tells us there is no way Chris is on the Autism spectrum (more on that to be posted this week)

• 10/1/08: Hubby starts new job...and it is a year from finding out about my PG with Gabriel

It certainly has been a year of ups, downs, endings and beginnings.

And, I am pleased now...with all of it. I am grateful because without the downs, there could not have been the ups.

I guess this is what acceptance truly feels like. It is so good to be here, finally.

...and what the future holds, take two

Hubby and I were talking about my desire to be a stay-at-home mom the other night. He mentioned that he wasn't so sure I could be happy being a stay-at-home mom...that I might get bored, or need something to help me "identify" myself other than being a mom.

...Hummm...

...Well...

Now, I don't totally agree with him. I LOVED being at home with the boys over the summer - and, I may be more inclined to organize more things around the house if I were home all of the time. I could be around more for school stuff. Make some of the extra efforts I have to cut because of time.

However, being home without a "full time" job outside of raising my boys would give me a chance to do some things that, up until now, I have not really been able to do:

Volunteer.

I have always wanted time to volunteer time to some worthy cause(s) - to give back and help those who are going through the things I have gone through.

Long ago, I had thought of volunteering at a hospital in the pediatric/maternity area - if there is such a thing. Rocking the babies that need to be held. But, as idealistic as that sounds, I think my experiences through loss have refocused my thoughts on this...

...back to something I left behind about 13 years ago.

My psychology bachelors degree.

You see, I never was able to find a support group in my area to turn to for help when I needed it most. I was blessed to find Dr. P - from since I have "graduated" to not having to see anymore. He gave me that elusive male-perspective on my losses - and dug deeper into things that were not necessarily connected to the losses. However, what I lacked, save for the people I met though blogging and FF, was a connection to someone who had really been through what I had.

When Hubby and I were at the birth refresher class back in May, we had to go around and introduce ourselves to the class - explain our backgrounds, how many children we had, what complications we had.

There were a few with IF issues present.

...But, I was the only one who had been through recurrent miscarriage.

We kinda felt like the elephant in the room that evening.

I would really like to begin some kind of support group in my area - bring women together who need it through advertising in local ob/gyn offices and hospitals. Advertising in areas that are the most obvious for us who have been through a loss to look.

How to begin that? I am not sure. (Ideas are always welcome. *wink* *wink*)

I am going to start with calling the counselor who now has business cards in Dr. D's office (where was she three years ago???). And, calling Dr. P to see what he recommends (he is an Associate Professor at a local university).

I have not felt this strongly about something in a very long time.... I just hope that I will have the opportunity to be able to do it.

Remembering...and what the future holds

I lost my first baby angel four years ago today...my first inkling of what my future held, both good and bad.

I miss you, sweet one. Even though your time with me was the shortest of all, you are still remembered and held in my heart. You were a part of us - and that is something I will never forget.

I have learned so much in these past four years of joy and loss - not to take life for granted, to try not sweating the small stuff, to live in the moment and be grateful for what I have. To live my life again and let go of the hurts while remembering the impacts on my life.

As much as I miss all three of my angels and the anniversaries that surround you all still sadden me, I am thankful for the lessons you have taught me. Without those lessons, my family as it is now would not be here.

I have taken quite a hiatus from posting here...not sharing much from my three months off with the boys. I apologize for not sharing. And, I will get back to posting pictures and stories soon. However, I needed that time alone to reconnect with Chris and savor the new light in our lives, Gabriel. I wanted to horde my time with my boys for just me - rather old fashioned, I know. But, I wanted to be able to look back on those three months in my own way, like embracing an old photograph with the memories that are only yours. I worried for so long about going through another miscarriage, hardly enjoying the gift of this last pregnancy - I needed to have something for myself, that I could always treasure and enjoy and celebrate.

...Now, as I await the new template for my blog, I am trying to figure out where this blog will be going.

I don't want this blog to babble on about the "woes" of my life...especially about the difficulties of balancing two children while working. That would be a slap in the face to those who are going through their own journeys of of infertility and/or loss. And, it would be an even greater slap in the face to my own angels and experiences.

But, where is my blog going? I am not totally sure.

Now, there may be talk in the future of a third child - a big confession for me to be making right now, especially since Gabriel is still so young. And, especially because I didn't think I could put myself and my family through the uncertainty and nervousness of another 9 months. But, the thought is not our of our hears yet. We feel, right now, drawn to the thought of a third child - can't quite explain the draw, but it is there. And, surprisingly more on Hubby's part than mine. However, that "draw" depends a lot on finances and where we are emotionally. Whatever we decide, we will not "try" - it would be a more "let us live our lives and see what happens" thing. The one thing I cannot do is to put pressure on myself to TTC. If it is meant to be, it will be when the time is right - just like how Gabriel blessed our lives at the right time.

Other than that, I am trying to figure out where I am going...

The only thing I am sure of right now is of my #1 goal - to be a stay at home mommy sooner than later.

We have refinanced our mortgage - not an easy feat to do since we had soooo much paperwork to submit and sign. With that refi, we payed a lot of debts off, closed quite a few credit cards and paid off my Subaru. That leaves us now with our mortgage, one credit card and Hubby's big law school loan to pay off.

...And, Hubby starts a new job (finally!!!) on 10/1 with a big law firm in Roseland - higher pay, good health benefits, retirement plan, and eligibility for a pay raise already in January.

If we can save money now and Hubby can do well at this new job, then I hope to at least cut back on work to part-time sometime in the next 1-2 years.

From there, we will see where life - and my blog - takes us. I hope I can share that with all of you and still give those who are going through their journeys now some support.

After all these years

Hubby and I met 21 years ago today...high school sweethearts all the way...through so many bumps and turns in the road as naive sweethearts and seasoned life-partners.

As we stare down 10 years of marriage in October - with the good, the not-so-good and the just plain bad - here's to you, honey.

...I could not have made it through all the sadness without you. May we show our boys what love is all about.

After All These Years
by Journey

A faded wedding photograph
You and me in our first dance
Our eyes are closed
We're lost in one sweet embrace
Since those days the world has changed
But our love remains the same
God knows we've had our share of saving grace

And I'm proud of all the blessings
You have given me
The mountains we have climbed to get this far
You've learned to take the laughter with the tears
After all these years

You make it feel brand new
After the fires that we walked through
Against the odds we never lost our faith

In our house we've made our home
Where our children all have grown
Precious moments time cannot erase

Make a living up and down the gypsy highways
Seasons that we've had to share apart
Somehow in my heart I always keep you near me
After all these years

After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong
Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years

After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You've sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong
Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years

Please be patient....

...as I am awaiting a new blog template to be designed. As you can tell, my old one is now removed since the designer went by-by - and it looks horrible right now.

I will begin posting again once my blog is up and running...

Watching over us for another year, our second angel

Besides it being my mom's birthday...today should have been your second birthday as well, our second baby angel.

How my heart misses you... But, with the new set of eyes in our house and so much wonder and knowledge passed through them, I know you are here with us. Protecting our baby Gabriel and our family.

Happy birthday, little one. I love you...and I will never forget the time you were with us.

I truly believe in miracles...

...because my miracle is finally here.

I must apologize for the lag in posting the birth announcement... Time had been short with visitors, getting to know our new baby, and adjusting to life with two children. But, honestly and more importantly, I have been cherishing every second I can get with my boys and the idea of anything regarding the internet or anything else has been the furthest from my mind.

So, on to the news. :)

Gabriel John was born on Monday morning, June 16th at 7:34 am after a rather "rapid" response to the labor induction. He weighed in at 7 lbs, 14 oz and 21 inches long (very close to Christopher's stats at birth: 7 lbs, 13 oz and 21 1/2 inches long). And, he is just perfect.


Gabriel right after birth...poor thing scratched his face up because of his way longer than mommy's nails!


Chris meeting his baby brother for the first time (excuse my appearance! No make-up allowed for labor induction! And, man! Do I need a haircut!)


My boys...


Chris holding Gabriel at home for the first time. I think this will be forever my most cherished picture of my boys.

To document the wild ride...because, for me, it was... I am going to write out the entire birth story like I did for Christopher. So, I will always remember this very special day...

If you recall, I was told on June 9th that my induction, if labor did not start by June 16th, would take place the night of June 16th. I was to call on June 11th for the details since it had to be put in the L&D schedule at the hospital (they were trying to get me a private room for the induction so I could have Hubby there this time around - see Chris's birth story on my roommate for that part of the induction...). So, I called on June 11th and was told I would get a call back that day - L&D had not put me in to the schedule yet. Friday afternoon, just as I was about to call my doc's office to find out what was going on, I finally got the call back and was told to report to the PET unit on Sunday night, June 15th at 8 pm - one day earlier than we had planned. So, I had to make some phone calls Friday afternoon to change around babysitting duties for Chris.

We spent a quite weekend with Chris...and Hubby and my FIL putting up our fence for the back yard (only took them a year and several threats to do it!). I casually packed my bag...finished some last minute things. And, we were ready!

On Sunday, June 15th, we brought Chris around to my MIL's house at 7 pm for his "sleep over." He was a little upset with us leaving...for which I felt my heart ripping out (this would be the first time away from him for more than just an overnight). I called my MIL about 5 minutes later from the car to make sure he was okay -- he was playing with my FIL and having a snack. So, luckily, that episode was very short lived...and I could calm down with leaving my baby for several days.

We arrived at the hospital and I was admitted to the hospital at 8:00 pm to start the induction (of course, one of the Indiana Jones movies was on in the PET unit as we arrived...a clear sign of things to come for us!). Medical history was taken (which puzzled me a bit since I had figured my medical records would have been transferred from the MFM clinic in the hospital to the PET unit before I got there...and they were not)...and I was checked. Surprisingly, I was 1 cm dilated at arrival...so, there was "some" progress made on my own. A fetal monitor was strapped to my stomach, the IV was started (to prepare for the Group B Strep antibiotics later in the night and the pitocin for the second stage of induction later in the morning) and I had a balloon catheter inserted laced with Cervidil at 10:00 pm. I was offered a sleeping pill so I could rest (which I was not offered in Chris' induction)... I wasn't going to take it, but then thought better of it. ;) Even though I did not sleep like a baby, I was able to rest and sleep during the earlier contractions from this stage.

Then, the wait began until the 6:00 am check to see how far along I was. Since I was not in active labor yet, I was not in Labor & Delivery - Dr. D did, however, swing the private room for induction and Hubby was able to stay. YEAH! We watched some TV, talked, breathed through some contractions, chastised Hubby for snoring, slept....much better than my last induction experience! Was able to rest up for, well, what was to come...

At 5 am, I woke up very quickly to some very, very strong contractions - all very low, around the intestinal area. As I started breathing through them, I noticed they were very, very close together: about 2-3 minutes apart and they were getting stronger. I woke Hubby and asked him to start helping me out...the contractions were getting way more intense than I had expected, more frequent, and were worse than what I could feel with Chris' induction.

I was examined at 6:15 am - at which time the balloon catheter fell right out and I had achieved, to the surprise of everyone, 6 cm! Orders to move me to L&D were given...and, after a half hour delay, I was finally moving to Labor and Delivery. However, transitioning from the bed to the wheelchair was not easy - the contractions were still getting stronger and closer together. But, I made it and was on my way.

When I got to L&D, well, things get a little hazy here:

...I kept asking for the epidural and kept getting promised it was coming.

...A doctor came to check me and break my water - what her name was, I have no idea. But, I told her to get lost because the contractions were about 1-2 minutes apart and extremely strong and I was NOT moving for her at that time!

...Another doctor came in (Dr. M) and started his "talk" and asking questions...to which I yelled at Hubby to answer them for me.

...I am still waiting for the epidural.

...I am laying on my left side, holding on to the bed rails for dear life as each contraction starts.

...I asked for one of those little pans because, well, I thought I was going to puke from the pain (and praying every second I wouldn't do it). Luckily, I didn't - puking is MUCH worse in my world than anything else!

...I begin to feel a WHOLE bunch of pressure, and realize, well, baby's head is coming out - and I freak and start yelling that, well, "something" is coming out!! Well, neeerrr! How about the baby's head???

Dr. M realizes what is happening and checks me real quick - and pages Dr. D, who is prepping another patient for a scheduled c-section at 8:00 am. He gets the page and can't figure out why it is coming up since I was not in the computer system as being at L&D. He calls in and is told to get down to L&D because I am about to deliver...like, now!

Dr. D's arrival to my L&D room was basically put on the gloves, run over to reach me and deliver Gabriel's head. YIKES!

About all I remember with the pain of the contractions was Dr. D grabbing my hand, putting my left knee in it, and telling me to hold my leg and push...and Gabriel's shoulders and body was delivered. Placenta quickly followed with no pushing.

All happened so, so fast, I don't remember all that much.

Hubby did clue me in to the fact that the epidural showed up as I was delivering Gabriel's head...and the anesthesiologist just turned around and left the room. Lovely.... Did I mentioned my MIL is having an epidural Tuesday to block the pain she's had for 6+ months so she can start physical therapy? How fitting.

And, Gabe, baby... Thank you for being so kind to your mommy (was Chris whispering in your ear???). You forced your way out with no tear or episiotemy required. Thank you, thank you! You were very kind to your mommy. :)

In the end, however, pain aside.... When I saw Gabriel for the first time, I felt like I was in heaven. Those eyes felt like I knew him forever...that he was always meant to be here with us. I am in love, plain and simple. As I held him (all of the staff left us alone for a long time after his birth), Hubby and I pondered names...as we thought of a name, we asked Gabriel if he liked it. We went through quite a few - most that were "in the running" - and he just looked at me. When we came to Gabriel, he gave me the most peaceful, blissful smile...and we knew we had his name.

Early Wednesday morning, after the few days in the hospital resting peacefully (except for the free-for-all in getting my IL's to be on board with the plans I had made for Chris and Gabriel coming home - soooo glad the nurse suggested the sleeping pill that night!), Dr. D came in to go his final check...and visit for a while. We chatted for about a half hour - about care for me, for Gabriel's circ, etc. But, more importantly, we chatted about how we got here in the first place (aside from, well, DTD)...and how he was so happy for us after the losses we had to go through.

Dr. D mentioned to me that his wife had two miscarriages in between their two sons - which is something he never mentioned to me before. I suppose he now felt comfortable telling me that...and it is sad yet comforting to know why I was treated with such respect and dignity while going through my own losses. He truly understands what we have been through, and how hard it must have been for me to trust that this pregnancy would result in Gabriel's arrival. He understands the apprehension at the thought of more children in the future - which is why he and his wife stopped at their two boys. He was so glad he could be there for us - through finding out I was PG by surprise, to all of Gabriel's development being right on course, and to his quick delivery. He wanted to make sure he would be there for Gabriel's delivery - for our special baby and for us. And, he was glad Gabriel decided to force his way out - if he decided to arrive during the scheduled c-section he had at 8 am, there would have been no way for him to get to us. He was aware that we were going to call TTC quits, and delivering this baby into the world made the troubles of the practice all worth it.

I am so grateful to Dr. D for all he has done for us...and the rest of the doctors involved in caring for me and for Gabriel.

I am very blessed.

Gabriel is a very special baby...he holds so much understanding in those little eyes. I am finally finding the peace I had longed for. He has not replaced the babies I have lost...but, he has helped heal the wounds that remained open for so long and has restored most of the faith I had lost for so long.

I am so very blessed.

Thank you to all who have stopped in at my blog. Your support through my losses and this pregnancy will forever be appreciated.

Only a little while longer...

...and E2 will be here.

I am 40 wks, 5 days today...and no sign of impending labor. So, I am heading in for an induction tonight...and E2 will be here sometime tomorrow.

Here is one last belly pic, taken this morning on the eve of his arrival:



I can't believe this time is here...and, as much as I would have liked to go into labor on my own, it is nice to be able to take my time in packing my things for the hospital, spending some last quality time with Chris as an only child, and thinking about how much things are going to change in this house in less than 24 hours.

I honestly never thought I would be here, waiting for another child to enter into our lives. Looking back across the almost three years we were TTC our second...and the babies we lost...it still feels unreal that E2 is almost here. He was so very wanted. So very needed. But, there is one thing I know in my heart now: His arrival was a lesson for me in patience, faith, letting go, yet always appreciating the time I did have with my angels.

Someone has posted on one of the FF boards how, after her loss, she longed to get PG again so she could replace the child she lost in her miscarriage. E2, as much as he is loved already, for me, is not a replacement for the angels that surround us. He can't be - My angels had their own souls, own time, own love to give, although their time with me was brief. E2 has come to us in the right time...when I was finally able to let go of the hurt I carried for so long and began to live my life again. I am not sure how possible another PG would have been without having truly dealt with my sadness, my anger, my loss of faith in everything. And, as months of worry and anxiety over whether I would make it this far come to a close, I am so thankful to those who helped me through it all (in my BG's, through the blogging community and those in "real life" who took the time to care). I could not have gone through this journey without you.

I will check in with pics and details as soon as I am able...I am hoping the hospital has internet access. ;)

Just like history repeating itself...

I have been sooooo bad at blogging lately...will catch up on the "why's" later this week while Chris is napping.

Apparently, the end of this PG is going to be like history repeating itself.

As of this morning's check-up at Dr. D's, looks like this baby will be induced just like Chris was. Actually, I was more dilated with Chris (1/2 cm) at this point than I am now! So, as of today, I am scheduled for induction Monday night (June 16th). I have to call Wednesday night for the details...and my doc is trying like hell to get me a private room to be induced in (unlike last time, when I had Ms. Hyperventilation next to me). Will have more details Wednesday...and he is going to haul me in Monday morning just to check to see if maybe, just maybe, I make some progress on my own...

Oh well, gives us a better chance to make sure Chris knows what is going on I suppose...