My Many Blessings

In a bit of a quandary....

2011-11-10T14:56:00.004-05:00

So, I know, I know.... It's been a long time since I posted here. But, people are still reading and leaving comments of thanks to my posts.

....Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.

I am in a bit of a quandary right now. So, I am turning to the blogging world for a little bit of advice.

For the past 2 years, my whole self has been off - it's been very hard to explain, but most of it centers around my periods. I am okay....up until ovulation (since, I am in fact, ovulating!). Once that hits, I am a totally different person: moody, combative, overwhelmed by noise (including from my boys), unable to concentrate, forgetful, disinterested, eating everything in sight....the list goes on. The 3 weeks or so before ovulation is fine - I exercise, eat right, lose weight. Then, ovulation hits and I am out of commission for 3 weeks.

....This is getting really O-L-D....

I spoke to Dr. D at my annual last year - I opted to go up to 15 mgs. Lexapro. That worked for about 2 months...then it's been downhill from there.

I went for my annual yesterday with Dr. D (in his new posh office closer to my work - farther from my home) and I told him what has been building up for 2 years now. He said, guess what:

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pmdd/AN01372

Great...just great. Another disorder to add to my growing list!

**Thud**

He said there are a few options, of which some I have already tried and did not work, like the Lexapro increase (and I WILL NOT allow myself to go to 20 mgs. and have it not work after 2 months again!). There is one option which he said would most likely work:

....a minipill.

**Thud** **Thud** **Thud**

What am I supposed to do here? I have the MTHFR gene mutations....which can lead to clotting, right? And, what are one of the risks of the pill? You guessed it....clotting.

What the hell do I do now?

I need to get my life back here. I am losing time with my family...the family I fought for. But, at the same time, I don't want to risk my life over possible medical complications (and, yes, we have a will in place).

...I know I need to talk more with Dr. D....which I will do next week. He explained that this would be a non-estrogen pill, so it a much lower risk for clotting. That makes me feel a little better. I go for my annual physical next week, so I will have time to talk with Dr. M about this too.

I am just so unsure what to do right now. None of the conventional treatments have worked thus far, not even knowing this is what I am dealing with. I could use some input from anyone else who is dealing with the MTHFR issues right now....

Thanks.

Five years ago today....

2010-11-22T15:19:00.003-05:00

...my world was breaking apart.

I was going through my second miscarriage today - well, at the time, I thought my first. I can't believe five years has already passed. It still feels, in many ways, like it was yesterday. And, here I sit, no one on my real life remembering, what this day means to me.

And, today, the day has been just as hectic and void of sanity as it was five years ago. But, that is another story I will save for much later.

Although I am so very grateful for what I have today, my heart still breaks for what never could be. I love my angels with all of my heart and soul, and still mourn all of the "what if's" that will never be fulfilled and realized. I wonder what my angel would be doing now...what Chris and my angel would be like together.

But, for what little time you were in my life, I know I could not be here as I am today without your short time. I needed you as you were...not what you should have been or could have been. You changed my life for the better, and for that, I am grateful. Someday, Chris and Gabriel will find out about you...and know more. For now, I will light my candle tonight for you and hold you in my heart for a while...

I love you, little one...

Coming back...soon...

2010-10-15T09:40:00.002-04:00

Dear blog - I have neglected you for quite some time. For that, I feel terrible.

But, I needed time to decide what to do with you. I am still not sure where I am going per se with this... However, one thing I want to be clear on is that, although life has not been easy, I will not:

whine
complain
insult
take for granted anything

about my life on this blog. I can't - that would be insulting to anyone who finds this blog.

More coming soon....

October 15th: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day again

2010-10-15T09:29:00.001-04:00

For all of us who have lost our precious angels...

May we find a little bit of peace today while we remembers our angels.

I will be lighting my candle tonight for:

Angel #1: Lost 9/19/04
Angel #2: Lost 11/22/05
Angel #3: Lost 3/21/06

I am always thinking of you...through the joys and the difficulties of every day...

The scariest day

2009-10-05T12:46:00.007-04:00

It has been some time since I posted anything here - not sure why, except I am rather addicted to Facebook at the moment. ;)

Anywho, I think I have had, by far, the scariest day of my life last week - and one I would not want to repeat if I can help it.

People say, as you are TTC and/or are expecting, that you will never understand how strongly you will feel when your child is ill or injured. How your mind will just turn everything off except to focus on what is happening to your child and what it will take to make sure he/she is well.

Gabriel was hospitalized last week for a few days for a severe asthma attack.

Hubby and I were up all night with him Monday night because he was flippy while trying to sleep - barely sleeping, really, the entire night. We had given him a nebulizer treatment earlier in the evening because we knew he was having issues with his breathing - this has happened several times before already (last week was the fourth and most severe episode to date) and we knew what to do when he was starting to have issues. But, even with that treatment, he was still having some issues.

Tuesday morning came and his breathing was still rough - not too bad, but not what we had hoped to hear from the night before. Not knowing what I should do, I gave my MIL all of the meds he would need so she could do a nebulizer treatment that morning and told her to call me if he was getting worse or not getting better at all - I would call his pediatrician. She called me several times and each time, he seemed to be getting worse - even with the treatments. So, I called his pediatrician and got an appointment for right before lunch.

At 10:45 am, I flew out my office so I could pick him up and get him to the doctor's office. I am not sure how fast I was driving - but, making it from my office to my MIL's house to the pediatrician's office should NOT have taken me an hour. I shaved about a half hour off that time.

As we approached his office, I started to feel like I should have gone straight to the ER with Gabriel - but, not having ever really dealt with a child with asthma before, I also didn't want to be labeled the "overreactive parent." We parked the car and got Gabriel in to the building - and the office staff had us come right in, past all of the others waiting in the office. Once there, the doctor took a listen to him and immediately asked for meds to put in the nebulizer for him. He noted to me that, with a reaction this bad, we should have gone directly to the ER.

So, remind me to NEVER second guess that instinct.

After the treatment in his office, Gabriel seemed a little better - wheezing still, but not having very visible issues of struggling. He had us go home and immediately do another treatment - and, if by 3 pm, the wheezing was not gone or greatly lessened, he wanted us to go straight to the ER.

We got him, did the nebulizer, and waited. Called Hubby to come home. Waited.

3 pm came - and the wheezing was not any better - and you could see he was breathing fast and he was trying to breathe in so hard, you could see his skin tugging and pulling around his collar bone and ribs. I called the doctor and off we went to the ER.

With the Hubby in the car next to Gabriel, I was not as aggressive driving to the ER - it also helped to know that the doctor was calling ahead to the ER so they knew what was coming.

Once we got to the ER, nurses and residents and doctors were checking him and rechecking him, got the nebulizer going, had chest x-rays ordered, and IV started. After a few hours, we were told he would be admitted, and finally we were up in a room in Pediatrics around 9:30 pm.

Gabriel stayed in Peds for 2 days (meaning I didn't shower for 2 days either...ewwww!) - nebulizer treatments every 2 hours for the first 24 hours and finally that time began to stretch as h the wheezing became less and the tugging for breathe slowed. He was finally cleared to go home on Thursday afternoon when there was more risk of him picking up another virus at the hospital.

He is officially diagnosed with asthma now - and we have our Asthma Action Plan, so we know what to try before we have to head to the ER again. The Asthma Action Plan accompanies his Allergy Action Plan since we found out in late August he has food allergies too: Egg (which was causing his constant eczema), Tree Nuts, and Peanuts (a Level 4 food allergy requiring an EpiPen), as well as some of other environmental allergies.

We are hoping we can get our house sold before the winter really hits so we can find somewhere newer and easier to clean for him - our house is so old that no matter how much we clean, it is never going to be good enough for him.

Anyone who has experience with asthma in children and food allergies, comments and advice are welcome! We don't want Gabriel - or us - to go through this again.

....Especially on the topic of how do you get your MIL to NOT smoke in her own house so Gabriel can be there? We were told he should be in no environment where there has been smoke - and he is over at my MIL's house 2-3 times a week, at least! How do you tell someone they can't smoke in their own home???

Another year older...but another year wiser??

2009-01-23T15:09:00.003-05:00

Well, today is my 36th birthday...

The number just doesn't seem real to me - and I suppose I am in denial of being so close to 40 years old.

Crap.

Why is it, when you are in your teens, or college even, that you just NEVER think you would be this old?

Anyways, I have neglected here for almost 2 months - sorry, lots of stuff going on that I will try to elaborate on and vent about over the weekend. To sum up: I am surrounded by sick kids and family members who only can think of themselves - and unload their baggage on me. It's bringing me down big time...and making the anxiety levels go up. Not a good combination when I am trying to spend the little time I have with my boys and am awaiting a promotion at work.

...Where's my xanex...

I feel like my year and half of therapy is down the toilet and I am back where I started again.

Even bigger crap...

I do want to thank everyone who responded to my HPV questions in December. I since had a colposcopy (12/29) and the results were normal. SIGH!!

Dr. D gave me the various scenarios on how I could have ended up with this - and we will never be able to pin it down since this is the first time I as screened for it with a PAP. In the end, I feel that I don't think Hubby is straying - although I am still very hurt when I found a receipt in November from a local strip club for the amount of $250 that was visited the date of my first d&c (second miscarriage in November 2005). It was a very hard blow - one that I really let him have it over since I was crying my eyes out that day as he was whooping it up at the girlies (he claims it was for business...but, whatever). Anyways, I now have to make sure I have the annual PAP - no matter what.

Since my plans for tomorrow are no non-existent (part of my venting that is coming), I will try to log on to post a real update.

Until then...I guess I will have some cake tonight after we visit Hubby's grandfather who is on a rehab facility up here by us (yes, he is one of the "think only of ourselves" people).

Uh, I need some information

2008-12-03T11:25:00.006-05:00

Apparently, Dr. D's office called on 11/19 (for which I didn't get the message until this past weekend when I cleaned out the old messages - Hubby never deletes old messages off the machine!) regarding my PAP test from my mid-October.

The PAP was normal, thank goodness.

However, the nurse mentioned I tested positive for the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV).

Uh, how???

I mean, I know how HPV is transmitted. But, does anyone know how long this could lie dormant and undetected? It has never come up in a PAP before - and, well, the only other person I had "been with" was back in 1995 (and protection was used).

...And, Hubby and I just celebrated 10 years of marriage in October, KWIM??...

How is this possible NOW??

Missing you, my second Angel Baby

2008-11-23T12:06:00.002-05:00

Unfortunately, I am a day late on posting this, my baby Angel. I am sorry for that...but time for me is becoming less and less available these days.

However, what DID happen yesterday, in your honor, of sorts, was to have my new template uploaded for my blog.

My new template - thanks, Courtney! - includes my two angels I hold every day here, my three in heaven that I hope to hold someday..., and my Hubby in a setting that is the most peaceful to us. The beach.

I have a little moving around in the lists to do yet...but, overall, it is just perfect.

I miss you and miss all of my angels. But, I do carry you every day with me, as well as Christopher and Gabriel, on my charm bracelet. Whenever I hear that twinkle as the charms hit each other with the move of my hand...I remember.

I'm published in an article!!!

2008-11-13T14:16:00.007-05:00

Wow! I was published!

I was approached in early October about an article on iParenting that was to be about couples who are experiencing infertility who seek professional counseling. I was sought out via Mel's Peer Infertility Counselor list - and was quite honored to be asked to assist with this article.

The article is now published...and I hope that everyone will give it a read and find some hope (and courage to dive into counseling, if you think you need it) in it:

Counseling Infertility:
Professional Help for the Emotional Side of Conception

Mel: Look how far your blog reaches! I am so glad to be a small part of it, even if, right now, my time is a little more limited. It is such a wonderful thing!

Missing you, my Angel Baby Girl

2008-10-30T13:46:00.002-04:00

Today would have been my third angel's second birthday...

I miss you, my little Sarah. Thank you for spending your short time with us.... You are remembered always.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day: October 15th

2008-10-15T10:55:00.001-04:00

It is a shame for all of us to have to post this year after year... But, for all of us who have lost our precious angels...

May we find a little bit of peace today while we remembers our angels.

I will be lighting my candle tonight for:

Angel #1: Lost 9/19/04
Angel #2: Lost 11/22/05
Angel #3: Lost 3/21/06

You are always in my heart, for the rest of my life and forever.

A year of incredible changes

2008-10-01T10:11:00.004-04:00

My Hubby pointed out a few nights ago how much things have changed in one little year. Let's start from October 1, 2007:

10/07: We are working on evaluations, placements, therapy for Chris' PDD-NOS diagnosis

10/1/07: I tell hubby I am pregnant, after Chris mentions something about a "baby sister" and I set up to donate Chris' baby stuff

10/1/07: Hubby is laid off from his job after only 3 months

1/08: My IL's find out they are losing their house

5/08: My IL's get their house back

6/16/08: Gabriel is born

9/08: Hubby is offered a new job, after a few other offers he declines from other firms

9/29/08: We take Chris to a new pediatric neurologist and he tells us there is no way Chris is on the Autism spectrum (more on that to be posted this week)

10/1/08: Hubby starts new job...and it is a year from finding out about my PG with Gabriel

It certainly has been a year of ups, downs, endings and beginnings.

And, I am pleased now...with all of it. I am grateful because without the downs, there could not have been the ups.

I guess this is what acceptance truly feels like. It is so good to be here, finally.

...and what the future holds, take two

2008-09-24T09:38:00.004-04:00

Hubby and I were talking about my desire to be a stay-at-home mom the other night. He mentioned that he wasn't so sure I could be happy being a stay-at-home mom...that I might get bored, or need something to help me "identify" myself other than being a mom.

...Hummm...

...Well...

Now, I don't totally agree with him. I LOVED being at home with the boys over the summer - and, I may be more inclined to organize more things around the house if I were home all of the time. I could be around more for school stuff. Make some of the extra efforts I have to cut because of time.

However, being home without a "full time" job outside of raising my boys would give me a chance to do some things that, up until now, I have not really been able to do:

Volunteer.

I have always wanted time to volunteer time to some worthy cause(s) - to give back and help those who are going through the things I have gone through.

Long ago, I had thought of volunteering at a hospital in the pediatric/maternity area - if there is such a thing. Rocking the babies that need to be held. But, as idealistic as that sounds, I think my experiences through loss have refocused my thoughts on this...

...back to something I left behind about 13 years ago.

My psychology bachelors degree.

You see, I never was able to find a support group in my area to turn to for help when I needed it most. I was blessed to find Dr. P - from since I have "graduated" to not having to see anymore. He gave me that elusive male-perspective on my losses - and dug deeper into things that were not necessarily connected to the losses. However, what I lacked, save for the people I met though blogging and FF, was a connection to someone who had really been through what I had.

When Hubby and I were at the birth refresher class back in May, we had to go around and introduce ourselves to the class - explain our backgrounds, how many children we had, what complications we had.

There were a few with IF issues present.

...But, I was the only one who had been through recurrent miscarriage.

We kinda felt like the elephant in the room that evening.

I would really like to begin some kind of support group in my area - bring women together who need it through advertising in local ob/gyn offices and hospitals. Advertising in areas that are the most obvious for us who have been through a loss to look.

How to begin that? I am not sure. (Ideas are always welcome. *wink* *wink*)

I am going to start with calling the counselor who now has business cards in Dr. D's office (where was she three years ago???). And, calling Dr. P to see what he recommends (he is an Associate Professor at a local university).

I have not felt this strongly about something in a very long time.... I just hope that I will have the opportunity to be able to do it.

Remembering...and what the future holds

2008-09-19T08:50:00.008-04:00

I lost my first baby angel four years ago today...my first inkling of what my future held, both good and bad.

I miss you, sweet one. Even though your time with me was the shortest of all, you are still remembered and held in my heart. You were a part of us - and that is something I will never forget.

I have learned so much in these past four years of joy and loss - not to take life for granted, to try not sweating the small stuff, to live in the moment and be grateful for what I have. To live my life again and let go of the hurts while remembering the impacts on my life.

As much as I miss all three of my angels and the anniversaries that surround you all still sadden me, I am thankful for the lessons you have taught me. Without those lessons, my family as it is now would not be here.

I have taken quite a hiatus from posting here...not sharing much from my three months off with the boys. I apologize for not sharing. And, I will get back to posting pictures and stories soon. However, I needed that time alone to reconnect with Chris and savor the new light in our lives, Gabriel. I wanted to horde my time with my boys for just me - rather old fashioned, I know. But, I wanted to be able to look back on those three months in my own way, like embracing an old photograph with the memories that are only yours. I worried for so long about going through another miscarriage, hardly enjoying the gift of this last pregnancy - I needed to have something for myself, that I could always treasure and enjoy and celebrate.

...Now, as I await the new template for my blog, I am trying to figure out where this blog will be going.

I don't want this blog to babble on about the "woes" of my life...especially about the difficulties of balancing two children while working. That would be a slap in the face to those who are going through their own journeys of of infertility and/or loss. And, it would be an even greater slap in the face to my own angels and experiences.

But, where is my blog going? I am not totally sure.

Now, there may be talk in the future of a third child - a big confession for me to be making right now, especially since Gabriel is still so young. And, especially because I didn't think I could put myself and my family through the uncertainty and nervousness of another 9 months. But, the thought is not our of our hears yet. We feel, right now, drawn to the thought of a third child - can't quite explain the draw, but it is there. And, surprisingly more on Hubby's part than mine. However, that "draw" depends a lot on finances and where we are emotionally. Whatever we decide, we will not "try" - it would be a more "let us live our lives and see what happens" thing. The one thing I cannot do is to put pressure on myself to TTC. If it is meant to be, it will be when the time is right - just like how Gabriel blessed our lives at the right time.

Other than that, I am trying to figure out where I am going...

The only thing I am sure of right now is of my #1 goal - to be a stay at home mommy sooner than later.

We have refinanced our mortgage - not an easy feat to do since we had soooo much paperwork to submit and sign. With that refi, we payed a lot of debts off, closed quite a few credit cards and paid off my Subaru. That leaves us now with our mortgage, one credit card and Hubby's big law school loan to pay off.

...And, Hubby starts a new job (finally!!!) on 10/1 with a big law firm in Roseland - higher pay, good health benefits, retirement plan, and eligibility for a pay raise already in January.

If we can save money now and Hubby can do well at this new job, then I hope to at least cut back on work to part-time sometime in the next 1-2 years.

From there, we will see where life - and my blog - takes us. I hope I can share that with all of you and still give those who are going through their journeys now some support.

After all these years

2008-09-18T11:34:00.002-04:00

Hubby and I met 21 years ago today...high school sweethearts all the way...through so many bumps and turns in the road as naive sweethearts and seasoned life-partners.

As we stare down 10 years of marriage in October - with the good, the not-so-good and the just plain bad - here's to you, honey.

...I could not have made it through all the sadness without you. May we show our boys what love is all about.

After All These Years
by Journey

A faded wedding photograph
You and me in our first dance
Our eyes are closed
We're lost in one sweet embrace
Since those days the world has changed
But our love remains the same
God knows we've had our share of saving grace

And I'm proud of all the blessings
You have given me
The mountains we have climbed to get this far
You've learned to take the laughter with the tears
After all these years

You make it feel brand new
After the fires that we walked through
Against the odds we never lost our faith

In our house we've made our home
Where our children all have grown
Precious moments time cannot erase

Make a living up and down the gypsy highways
Seasons that we've had to share apart
Somehow in my heart I always keep you near me
After all these years

After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong
Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years

After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You've sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong
Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years

Please be patient....

2008-09-03T10:05:00.005-04:00

...as I am awaiting a new blog template to be designed. As you can tell, my old one is now removed since the designer went by-by - and it looks horrible right now.

I will begin posting again once my blog is up and running...

Watching over us for another year, our second angel

2008-06-27T21:03:00.002-04:00

Besides it being my mom's birthday...today should have been your second birthday as well, our second baby angel.

How my heart misses you... But, with the new set of eyes in our house and so much wonder and knowledge passed through them, I know you are here with us. Protecting our baby Gabriel and our family.

Happy birthday, little one. I love you...and I will never forget the time you were with us.

I truly believe in miracles...

2008-06-22T15:39:00.014-04:00

...because my miracle is finally here.

I must apologize for the lag in posting the birth announcement... Time had been short with visitors, getting to know our new baby, and adjusting to life with two children. But, honestly and more importantly, I have been cherishing every second I can get with my boys and the idea of anything regarding the internet or anything else has been the furthest from my mind.

So, on to the news. :)

Gabriel John was born on Monday morning, June 16th at 7:34 am after a rather "rapid" response to the labor induction. He weighed in at 7 lbs, 14 oz and 21 inches long (very close to Christopher's stats at birth: 7 lbs, 13 oz and 21 1/2 inches long). And, he is just perfect.

Gabriel right after birth...poor thing scratched his face up because of his way longer than mommy's nails!

Chris meeting his baby brother for the first time (excuse my appearance! No make-up allowed for labor induction! And, man! Do I need a haircut!)

My boys...

Chris holding Gabriel at home for the first time. I think this will be forever my most cherished picture of my boys.

To document the wild ride...because, for me, it was... I am going to write out the entire birth story like I did for Christopher. So, I will always remember this very special day...

If you recall, I was told on June 9th that my induction, if labor did not start by June 16th, would take place the night of June 16th. I was to call on June 11th for the details since it had to be put in the L&D schedule at the hospital (they were trying to get me a private room for the induction so I could have Hubby there this time around - see Chris's birth story on my roommate for that part of the induction...). So, I called on June 11th and was told I would get a call back that day - L&D had not put me in to the schedule yet. Friday afternoon, just as I was about to call my doc's office to find out what was going on, I finally got the call back and was told to report to the PET unit on Sunday night, June 15th at 8 pm - one day earlier than we had planned. So, I had to make some phone calls Friday afternoon to change around babysitting duties for Chris.

We spent a quite weekend with Chris...and Hubby and my FIL putting up our fence for the back yard (only took them a year and several threats to do it!). I casually packed my bag...finished some last minute things. And, we were ready!

On Sunday, June 15th, we brought Chris around to my MIL's house at 7 pm for his "sleep over." He was a little upset with us leaving...for which I felt my heart ripping out (this would be the first time away from him for more than just an overnight). I called my MIL about 5 minutes later from the car to make sure he was okay -- he was playing with my FIL and having a snack. So, luckily, that episode was very short lived...and I could calm down with leaving my baby for several days.

We arrived at the hospital and I was admitted to the hospital at 8:00 pm to start the induction (of course, one of the Indiana Jones movies was on in the PET unit as we arrived...a clear sign of things to come for us!). Medical history was taken (which puzzled me a bit since I had figured my medical records would have been transferred from the MFM clinic in the hospital to the PET unit before I got there...and they were not)...and I was checked. Surprisingly, I was 1 cm dilated at arrival...so, there was "some" progress made on my own. A fetal monitor was strapped to my stomach, the IV was started (to prepare for the Group B Strep antibiotics later in the night and the pitocin for the second stage of induction later in the morning) and I had a balloon catheter inserted laced with Cervidil at 10:00 pm. I was offered a sleeping pill so I could rest (which I was not offered in Chris' induction)... I wasn't going to take it, but then thought better of it. ;) Even though I did not sleep like a baby, I was able to rest and sleep during the earlier contractions from this stage.

Then, the wait began until the 6:00 am check to see how far along I was. Since I was not in active labor yet, I was not in Labor & Delivery - Dr. D did, however, swing the private room for induction and Hubby was able to stay. YEAH! We watched some TV, talked, breathed through some contractions, chastised Hubby for snoring, slept....much better than my last induction experience! Was able to rest up for, well, what was to come...

At 5 am, I woke up very quickly to some very, very strong contractions - all very low, around the intestinal area. As I started breathing through them, I noticed they were very, very close together: about 2-3 minutes apart and they were getting stronger. I woke Hubby and asked him to start helping me out...the contractions were getting way more intense than I had expected, more frequent, and were worse than what I could feel with Chris' induction.

I was examined at 6:15 am - at which time the balloon catheter fell right out and I had achieved, to the surprise of everyone, 6 cm! Orders to move me to L&D were given...and, after a half hour delay, I was finally moving to Labor and Delivery. However, transitioning from the bed to the wheelchair was not easy - the contractions were still getting stronger and closer together. But, I made it and was on my way.

When I got to L&D, well, things get a little hazy here:

...I kept asking for the epidural and kept getting promised it was coming.

...A doctor came to check me and break my water - what her name was, I have no idea. But, I told her to get lost because the contractions were about 1-2 minutes apart and extremely strong and I was NOT moving for her at that time!

...Another doctor came in (Dr. M) and started his "talk" and asking questions...to which I yelled at Hubby to answer them for me.

...I am still waiting for the epidural.

...I am laying on my left side, holding on to the bed rails for dear life as each contraction starts.

...I asked for one of those little pans because, well, I thought I was going to puke from the pain (and praying every second I wouldn't do it). Luckily, I didn't - puking is MUCH worse in my world than anything else!

...I begin to feel a WHOLE bunch of pressure, and realize, well, baby's head is coming out - and I freak and start yelling that, well, "something" is coming out!! Well, neeerrr! How about the baby's head???

Dr. M realizes what is happening and checks me real quick - and pages Dr. D, who is prepping another patient for a scheduled c-section at 8:00 am. He gets the page and can't figure out why it is coming up since I was not in the computer system as being at L&D. He calls in and is told to get down to L&D because I am about to deliver...like, now!

Dr. D's arrival to my L&D room was basically put on the gloves, run over to reach me and deliver Gabriel's head. YIKES!

About all I remember with the pain of the contractions was Dr. D grabbing my hand, putting my left knee in it, and telling me to hold my leg and push...and Gabriel's shoulders and body was delivered. Placenta quickly followed with no pushing.

All happened so, so fast, I don't remember all that much.

Hubby did clue me in to the fact that the epidural showed up as I was delivering Gabriel's head...and the anesthesiologist just turned around and left the room. Lovely.... Did I mentioned my MIL is having an epidural Tuesday to block the pain she's had for 6+ months so she can start physical therapy? How fitting.

And, Gabe, baby... Thank you for being so kind to your mommy (was Chris whispering in your ear???). You forced your way out with no tear or episiotemy required. Thank you, thank you! You were very kind to your mommy. :)

In the end, however, pain aside.... When I saw Gabriel for the first time, I felt like I was in heaven. Those eyes felt like I knew him forever...that he was always meant to be here with us. I am in love, plain and simple. As I held him (all of the staff left us alone for a long time after his birth), Hubby and I pondered names...as we thought of a name, we asked Gabriel if he liked it. We went through quite a few - most that were "in the running" - and he just looked at me. When we came to Gabriel, he gave me the most peaceful, blissful smile...and we knew we had his name.

Early Wednesday morning, after the few days in the hospital resting peacefully (except for the free-for-all in getting my IL's to be on board with the plans I had made for Chris and Gabriel coming home - soooo glad the nurse suggested the sleeping pill that night!), Dr. D came in to go his final check...and visit for a while. We chatted for about a half hour - about care for me, for Gabriel's circ, etc. But, more importantly, we chatted about how we got here in the first place (aside from, well, DTD)...and how he was so happy for us after the losses we had to go through.

Dr. D mentioned to me that his wife had two miscarriages in between their two sons - which is something he never mentioned to me before. I suppose he now felt comfortable telling me that...and it is sad yet comforting to know why I was treated with such respect and dignity while going through my own losses. He truly understands what we have been through, and how hard it must have been for me to trust that this pregnancy would result in Gabriel's arrival. He understands the apprehension at the thought of more children in the future - which is why he and his wife stopped at their two boys. He was so glad he could be there for us - through finding out I was PG by surprise, to all of Gabriel's development being right on course, and to his quick delivery. He wanted to make sure he would be there for Gabriel's delivery - for our special baby and for us. And, he was glad Gabriel decided to force his way out - if he decided to arrive during the scheduled c-section he had at 8 am, there would have been no way for him to get to us. He was aware that we were going to call TTC quits, and delivering this baby into the world made the troubles of the practice all worth it.

I am so grateful to Dr. D for all he has done for us...and the rest of the doctors involved in caring for me and for Gabriel.

I am very blessed.

Gabriel is a very special baby...he holds so much understanding in those little eyes. I am finally finding the peace I had longed for. He has not replaced the babies I have lost...but, he has helped heal the wounds that remained open for so long and has restored most of the faith I had lost for so long.

I am so very blessed.

Thank you to all who have stopped in at my blog. Your support through my losses and this pregnancy will forever be appreciated.

Only a little while longer...

2008-06-15T12:57:00.003-04:00

...and E2 will be here.

I am 40 wks, 5 days today...and no sign of impending labor. So, I am heading in for an induction tonight...and E2 will be here sometime tomorrow.

Here is one last belly pic, taken this morning on the eve of his arrival:

I can't believe this time is here...and, as much as I would have liked to go into labor on my own, it is nice to be able to take my time in packing my things for the hospital, spending some last quality time with Chris as an only child, and thinking about how much things are going to change in this house in less than 24 hours.

I honestly never thought I would be here, waiting for another child to enter into our lives. Looking back across the almost three years we were TTC our second...and the babies we lost...it still feels unreal that E2 is almost here. He was so very wanted. So very needed. But, there is one thing I know in my heart now: His arrival was a lesson for me in patience, faith, letting go, yet always appreciating the time I did have with my angels.

Someone has posted on one of the FF boards how, after her loss, she longed to get PG again so she could replace the child she lost in her miscarriage. E2, as much as he is loved already, for me, is not a replacement for the angels that surround us. He can't be - My angels had their own souls, own time, own love to give, although their time with me was brief. E2 has come to us in the right time...when I was finally able to let go of the hurt I carried for so long and began to live my life again. I am not sure how possible another PG would have been without having truly dealt with my sadness, my anger, my loss of faith in everything. And, as months of worry and anxiety over whether I would make it this far come to a close, I am so thankful to those who helped me through it all (in my BG's, through the blogging community and those in "real life" who took the time to care). I could not have gone through this journey without you.

I will check in with pics and details as soon as I am able...I am hoping the hospital has internet access. ;)

Just like history repeating itself...

2008-06-09T12:34:00.002-04:00

I have been sooooo bad at blogging lately...will catch up on the "why's" later this week while Chris is napping.

Apparently, the end of this PG is going to be like history repeating itself.

As of this morning's check-up at Dr. D's, looks like this baby will be induced just like Chris was. Actually, I was more dilated with Chris (1/2 cm) at this point than I am now! So, as of today, I am scheduled for induction Monday night (June 16th). I have to call Wednesday night for the details...and my doc is trying like hell to get me a private room to be induced in (unlike last time, when I had Ms. Hyperventilation next to me). Will have more details Wednesday...and he is going to haul me in Monday morning just to check to see if maybe, just maybe, I make some progress on my own...

Oh well, gives us a better chance to make sure Chris knows what is going on I suppose...

Missing you, my first Angel Baby

2008-05-28T13:18:00.002-04:00

Today could have been your third birthday... But, instead, you became in 2004 our first Angel to watch over us.

I miss you...and love you. Happy Birthday, sweet Angel. You are gone...but certainly never forgotten.

So darned tired...

2008-05-16T16:00:00.002-04:00

I can't believe I am due in under 30 days...and I am out of work for three months in 14 days...

The days are just whirling by - and there is so much to do still.

And, added to that now is my IL's are back in their house. Oh my! A real estate investor they know bought the house "as-is" and an agreement drawn up that they will pay him rent for 1-2 years, at which time when they can get financing, they will buy the house back from them. So, they are in a mad-rush to be in the house this weekend...

...And, I am left waving my flag, needing to get things done (like, ummm, pack my bag for the hospital?!?!?) and no one is paying attention to that.

Anyways, training here at work is going well...and I feel confident that my jobs will be done correctly while I am out. Phew!

I will try to post more over the weekend...if I have the energy. E2 is sucking out all of my energy... I think the last time I felt this exhausted was when I was dealing with the major insomnia that started after my March 2006 m/c....

But, I am going to miss that when he is here. :(

My little guy doesn't want to be a big guy

2008-05-08T09:24:00.002-04:00

Since Chris has been sleeping in his big-boy bed every night since Saturday night (and most naps on the days he is not at my Mom's house since she doesn't drive), his nighttime routine has changed a bit.

It used to be that Daddy would read him a story as I played Vanna White doing the page turning in our bed while he had a cup of milk...then, it was time to use the bathroom, brush teeth and Daddy would lay down with him until he fell asleep (and Mommy would retreat to the futon to sleep since I just can't sleep in our bed right now).

Now, Mommy reads the story (specifically, the "I'm a Big Brother" book) at the foot of his bed, while Daddy gives "his baby" (AKA, the doll he got from the sibling class) a bottle and Chris has his milk...then, it is time to use the bathroom and brush teeth. Now, Chris has asks me to sit with him while he falls asleep - so I grab some pillows, sit next to his bed while we talk a little bit and then he falls asleep.

We had a conversation last night about him getting to be a big boy...and how he doesn't want to be a big boy. It was probably one of the sweetest conversations we have ever had.

To preface, I have been very careful throughout this PG that 1) Chris understands where E2 is right now and that Chris was once there too, 2) there will be some changes coming and that I might not always be able to drop things immediately with baby to do things for him, 3) Chris, no matter what, will always be Mommy's baby too...even though he is growing up and doing more big boy things and 4) we will always make time for him...special time that will only be his.

Doing this seems to have made his understanding of what is happening clear to us - you can see that a bit with how he handles "his baby"...

...Although I am prepared for regression. ;)

Anyways, so we were talking again last night about how well he is handling "his baby" - with feeding him, burping him, holding him, checking his diaper (even though it is just a doll right now) and how proud of him I am that he is being such a big boy and a good big brother already.

That was when Chris said he didn't want to be a big boy yet.

...And my heart just melt...and I wanted to cry.

So, I told him that, although he is doing such big boy things like using the potty now, using regular cups and utensils, going to school, "helping" Mommy to vacuum and make the bed and such...he does not have to be a big boy all the way just yet. I told him that he still was a little guy - he would be still for a while. ...And, it was okay for Mommy and Daddy to still help him with things, or for him to cry when he has booboos or is frustrated that he can't do something. He didn't need to be a completely big guy yet. He had time to still be my baby...

When I was done, I noticed he was snoring...

My little guy had fallen asleep during my reassurances.

...Only proving that, yes, he still is a little guy. And, he doesn't need to be a big guy in every way just yet.

**Sigh**

Happy 4th Birthday (a day late), my little man!

2008-05-05T13:30:00.007-04:00

Yesterday was Christopher's 4th birthday...and, oh my! How he has grown! From this:

(about 20 minutes after he was born on 5/4/04)

to this:

(this past Christmas, 12/07)

in 4 short years...

We spent the weekend moving Chris into his big-boy room...and I feel like he has grown into his own big person in less than 7 days. We are so pleased...but sad too because he is just not so little anymore. He is growing up so fast...and more so within the last 6 months or so.

The room is no where near finished...there is baby bedding to be bought for E2, organizing the crap that has accumulated, putting up the finishing touches (so, the "Big Reveal" won't happen on the blog until everything is complete). But, Chris has his new bed and his new dress - his own big-boy space. And, I think he is really pleased because, for the first time in a looooong time, he has slept in his bed all night long: No want to be with us overnight, his insistence that he be in his own space. He went to sleep in his bed Saturday night and never looked back...all the while, we checked in on him and were sad that he is no longer a baby.

I am so going to miss that.

Here is the progression of things:

How Chris used to sleep (this pic was from last summer....the binkie has been gone since at least October)...in our bed, a tornado in our midst.

Helping Daddy put together his new dresser last weekend (no, Hubby lost no fingers)

Chris and Daddy playing Indiana Jones before bedtime (one of the nightly rituals with his bedtime story)

Helping Papa put his bed together Saturday night

Testing out his new bed

How he woke up yesterday morning

When I talked to him yesterday morning, he mentioned that he rolled out of the bed that night (we did not put the bedrails on Saturday night because it was very late and he needed to get some sleep for his sibling class at 9 am Sunday morning - but, we did put pillows on the floor just in case he did roll out). Then, he told me that he climbed back up on the bed and went back to sleep... Poor thing! I felt terrible that he rolled out of the bed. So, I reminded him that he could always come and get one of us...and the bedrail went on before his nap Sunday afternoon.

Chris had his sibling class yesterday morning (I am just such a good mommy, that I scheduled him 9:00 am the morning of his 4th birthday to be back at the hospital he was born at to learn about being a big brother!)...and he really loved it! Best $40 we spent in a long time... The nurse showed the kids (ranging between 2 and 7 years old) how to hold the baby properly, how to help mommy and daddy change the baby, what the baby does at the beginning...and we took a tour of the nursery to see the babies who where there (including an impromptu elevator ride that he was not expecting...he doesn't like elevators, but handled it like a champ!).

Chris just LOVED IT! He carried "his baby" now named Otto (since Hubby refers to E2 as Otto all of the time) around the hospital the right way...showed his baby the other babies in the nursery...insisted his baby (which we got to keep as part of the $40 fee, among other goodies) go EVERYWHERE with us yesterday (a trip to Toys 'R Us, Wendy's for lunch, dinner, to grandma's this morning...). Actually he handled his baby better than most of the girls in the class, who dragged them around by the foot! He is really practicing being a good big brother with this baby...and it is adorable to see that.

Here is how Chris woke up with morning, bunking in with his baby:

He fell asleep, snuggled head-to-head, with his baby last night (notice his baby needed clothing too...this is a sleeper I received as part of an on-line shower gift on FF. It was supposed to be for E2!).

I am just so amazed by him... His progression with speech, his empathy towards others, his sense of humor, and, so, so much more.

I just wish he didn't ever have to grow up.

33 weeks...and the mayhem is in full swing!

2008-04-22T13:54:00.008-04:00

Well, I am 33 weeks today...

I never imagined I would be sitting here posting this now. I just remember sitting in my living room, around December 2006, crying my eyes out and the midst of those nasty anxiety attacks...wondering if another child would ever come to us.

But now, the mayhem of getting ready for E2 at home is in full swing... Our soon-to-be former bedroom - the former crap-hole that you might be able to see a teeny-tiny glimpse of in these pics:

(behind the headboard...the old, orangish-paint. Couldn't tell you the original color as there were 3 smokers in the house years ago!)

(looking in from Chris' old room - our soon to be new room with new yellow paint. Note the joint compound on the left side of the window...that is how far we got with finishing off our bedroom before Chris arrived. We figured fixing the falling-down ceiling was a little more important.)

is coming along so, so nicely (thanks to the contractor that my FIL bailed out of making a bad business deal...otherwise, E2 would probably be 5 years old if I left this project to Hubby). Pics will be posted over the weekend...when we move Chris in there. Yeah! All I can say is, Chris is thrilled with the work so far...and keeps reminding us that it is his "big boy room" that he gets to share with E2.

Just too cute... Hoping they grow up being close. ;)

We are also trying to keep things "normal" for Chris...and are trying to prepare for his 4th Birthday party on May 10th. Say, what?!?!?! I am having a hard time adjusting to my baby being 4 years old. Sigh. He's going to really love us on his actual birthday (May 4th) when we take him to his sibling class at the hospital... We gotta make sure he gets his treat of McD's on that day (conveniently located in the hospital's lobby...).

Work is overwhelming...my work is being split between 3 people here (who are all very competent...just going to be hard to remember who is working on what!) and I am trying to fit the time in to train them all on how things are done. And, of course, be ready to leave on May 30th.

But, I am very grateful that my boss canceled the major advisory board meeting he was planning on May 12th... That alone has given me some time back on my calendar to get everything done.

The weather is getting warmer here...and I am back out walking (1 mile instead of 2...but it has slowed the weight gain down a bit, so at least I won't gain over 35 lbs with this PG!). But, I have no maternity capri's, no maternity shorts and only 4 short-sleeve shirts from my PG with Chris. Crap...guess I will be in air conditioning through my EDD. Refuse to buy anything more in maternity clothing!

Had my latest u/s done on Thursday... And, I am happy to report that all is well with E2 and his growth.

And, I am also happy to report that he may actually be more ME than Hubby. Woot! Woot! Looks like he's got my nose...which is a start.

Just a few things came up at that appointment...one thing I am waiting on b/w for and one I have to make some decisions on...

I got Dr. M this time at the MFM clinic - the actual Director of the MFM center. Very nice guy...actually, they have all been very nice. But, I think this particular doc was probably the most thorough of all of the 6 doctors there.

He asked me Dr. D's plans for delivery. Right now, Dr. D is going to let me go to 41 weeks at most - and, if I don't go into labor by then, I will be induced for June 17th. Dr. M, however, wants to modify that, depending upon what my current homocysteine levels are. Since I presented with elevated homocysteine levels with the MTHFR mutation, they have been checking them regularly since they do rise in PG. They have been level the entire time, just like my thyroid levels. However, if this last set comes back elevated, he wants me to deliver no later than my EDD of June 10th. So, now I am just waiting on the results of that b/w to see what the labor plan is...if I even need a plan. This PG has been so different, I am kinda hoping E2 will chose to make his own appearance.

The other issue...the one I need to make a decision on...is about the Lexapro I started on March 17th.

He asked me if anyone had told me about the rare issues that can come up with the baby upon deliver if I was still taking Lexapro at that time... Up to this point, no one has - I was told that it was safe (and I didn't really find anything on my own to say otherwise either).

Dr. M told me that there is a 1 in 1000 chance that the baby could develop Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension of the Newborn (PPHN) and/or could suffer from withdrawal symptoms upon birth (irritability, difficulty feeding) for a few days afterwards. He thinks my chances of this happening are relatively low, especially since I am on the lowest dose possible (5 mg).

The 5 mg has really helped so much to refocus me and manage the stress better... But, I have spent this entire PG worrying that everything would be okay with E2...and it has been...and I don't want ANYTHING to happen to him now.

So, I am not sure what to do at this point... I am afraid to come off the Lexapro right now since it has helped me so much, especially with sleep. If I come off now, I am not sure how I am going to handle it all. And, I know the med is helping E2 to be buffered from the stress too.

But, if I don't come off...do I really want to risk that 1 in 1000 chance of a problem??

I have a call in to my ped to talk to him about it....and I will be talking to Dr. D about it on Monday at my next check-up.

Anyone in my position who might have some guidance on this???

Advice needed for a friend

2008-04-17T12:54:00.004-04:00

Hubby has a very close friend M from grammar school whose wife, J, is going through a struggle with secondary IF. Technically, she would have been dealing with infertility earlier since it took her about 12 months to finally conceive their 3 year old DD - but, as she was prepping to meet her doctor about it, she finally ended up PG after about half her cycles being annovulatory.

J just turned 37 years old. She is not always ovulating, has tried a few rounds of clomid in which she is ovulating but not getting PG, just tried one round of Clomid/trigger/IUI (the IUI and meds out of pocket) which just resulted in a BFN.

When I talked to her last night, she was obviously upset that they have been trying for over a year now...and she didn't start the testing earlier (her HSG was all clear; b/w all normal). But, there were some very strange issues surrounding her sister that she had to deal with...and put TTC in full force off the plate.

Anyways, she is running out of options because both her insurance and her husband's insurance don't cover IF well - hers has no prescription plan (so all meds she has take up to this point have been paid for out of pocket) and does not cover IUI (it did cover the testing...as long as she was NOT given the title Infertile); his covers most things, but with at least a 20% co-pay; if she tried to get on his insurance with hers (co-insure), then she has to pay parts of two insurance premiums for an entire year.

So, in other words, any way she tries, she has to spend a lot of money and they can't afford that right now. They are on a tight budget after M having lost his job twice in two years (he works as a manager in retail - which is not always stable). There were some financial burdens with the issues with her sister. And, they have some major debts to still pay from M prior to them being married. So, there is not much available to pay for IF procedures and medications.

I suggested a whole slew of things to her (Femara since Clomid is causing CM issues, hence the need for the IUI), checking for other issues that could be causing annovulation (like thyroid disease and PCOS), using things like Green Tea or PreSeed for CM issues. But, she could use some advice on how to get an IUI cycle covered without too much out of pocket cost since they are on such a tight budget.

Any advice from ladies who have been there would be greatly appreciated. I can't really help her with the financial aspects of this because all I have ever had to pay were office visit co-pays for any visit or procedure done - I have a thorough prescription plan, excellent coverage and very minimal out-of-pocket expenses (i.e., all I have had to pay for were OPKs, HPTs, etc.). Just one reason I remain a slave to the State here...

Thanks a million for the help!

A message to Rachel in California

2008-04-02T09:53:00.002-04:00

I am looking for Rachel in California, who left me the following comment yesterday on my post I finally have an answer for these losses...

"Hi, I was glad to find that you have Doctors that know what they are doing. I've had 4 miscarriages 3 had gone by before I was tested for MTHFR I have the double mutation c677t.

We got treatment with my 4th pregnancy I was injecting Heparin,taking 81mg of asprin,prometrium and Folgard which is high does folic acid and B vitamins. My pregnancy only lasted a week or two longer then the others. I planned to lose pre pregnancy weight before we tried again and taking folgard 3 months prior to ttc. But Surprise I am pregnant just took the test this weekend my Specialist is on vacation and I am stressing out on getting my meds started. I noticed on your blog that you were tested for your homocysteine level. My Doctor told me there was no need to test it since I was taking the folgard and heparin. Maybe I should stress this again can you recommend a way I should word it so that I am not at the losing end of an argument. Thank you so much for posting your story it is great inspiration and I know how much pain it cause to get you to where you are today. God bless you and your family. -Rachel in California"

I have no way of getting back to you on this since your comment did not leave me an e-mail address and I don't see a blog associated with your profile. So, I will go back and answer your questions here until I can get in touch with you.

First, I wanted to say I am so sorry for your losses. As you can see from what I have written here, learning to accept things as they were for me was not easy - and I am sure they have not been easy for you either. I am not surprised you are scared now with this surprise PG - and I hope I can help you a bit here to get this one to term.

With a homozygous MTHFR gene mutation, I must say that you SHOULD be on higher doses of Folic Acid/B vitamins AT ALL TIMES, not just when TTC or PG. As you age, this is going to set you up for heart disease, blood clotting, etc. and the Folic Acid/B vitamins will help to prevent this. You should also look to be on a low-dose baby aspirin regimen. I have been on my Fabb Tablets/baby aspirin since 8/06 and have not stopped (although the baby aspirin will be temporarily halted for labor/delivery around 37 weeks).

Homocysteine levels ABSOLUTELY should be checked, regardless of what medications you are on. My MFM clinic has checked my homocysteine levels throughout this PG because they can naturally rise during PG - and, since I presented with elevated levels when this condition was first caught, they want to watch it to make sure it doesn't go up into the dangerous elevated area again. Anyone that says it should not be checked is full of crap.

Heparin will not control homocysteine levels - it prevents the blood clotting. Folgard (or similar meds - I am on Fabb Tablets), or Folic Acid, is what actually brings down the homocysteine levels. You should start back on this as soon as possible.

Please e-mail me with any other questions... I am hoping to get in touch with you to make sure you get the right care!

On autopilot...

2008-04-01T12:28:00.002-04:00

I will post a meaningful post soon...eventually...

Kinda on autopilot right now. Chris gifted the entire family his latest cold over the weekend...and I spent all day Saturday with a temperature that kept going back up between 100.4 and 101.0 degrees. We actually had to break down and call the doctor because even with Tylenol, it kept going back up in three hours (never had a fever in PG before). So, I was okay'ed to take the Tylenol every three hours to keep it down...

Can I tell you how much I am coveting Hubby's motrin right now???

...And NyQuil?

...And, DayQuil?

I honestly can't remember anymore when the last night of good sleep I had was... Maybe Wednesday? Last week? Not sure.

The pregnancy-related aches and pains are getting to me now... Never had anything like this with Chris because he positioned himself so high up (sure missing those feet in the ribcage now!). But, this one has taken residence much lower...and the combo of not being able to sleep from being uncomfortable from the PG and from the cold is doing me in.

Nothing beats driving in the slow lane on the GSP to get into work...and then try to figure out what the hell I am supposed to be doing here.

Anyone have suggestions to keep my harbinger of germs germ-free??? Or, at least less susceptible to more illnesses? This is getting very old.

However, I did have a very good nurse over the weekend... Nothing beats your almost-four-year-old singing you Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, patting your face, and calling you "hot mommy" when the fever spikes when you are trying to rest. Better than any Tylenol you can take.

...Although, I would much rather be "hot mommy" for other reasons. ;)

I miss you, my sweet little girl

2008-03-21T08:42:00.005-04:00

Today, I lost you two years ago...and I still miss you, every day, even with the joy coming into our lives in June.

I know that some of the doctors are not sure if you really were a little girl from the results of testing reports - but, I do believe you would have been my little girl. Dr. D believes it, and so do I.

I also know you have been visiting our house in the last week or so... Chris keeps mentioning that he sees an angel, a little girl named "Sarah," in the corner of our bedroom...his soon-to-be shared room with E2. And, I know he sees you...Chris has a way about him in which he senses things. He has demonstrated that several times in the past. Chris is happy when he sees "Sarah" and wants us to say hello as well, which we do. I do hope you will stay around and watch over your brothers, in their new room.

** ETA: Chris mentioned tonight that it is "Sarah's birthday" today while eating dinner. I am speechless...and, at the same time, comforted. **

I love you...and I miss you always,

Mommy

Glad everyone's liked the belly pics...

2008-03-17T13:53:00.004-04:00

...because my doc scolded me a little bit on the *weight* issue this morning.

Of course, I DID start this PG out much thinner than I had ever been (and about 10 lbs thinner than where I started when PG with Chris)...but, since at 28 weeks tomorrow I have already gained the 27 lbs I had gained across the entire PG with Chris, I have to try to slow that down a bit now.

Crap.

So, start asking Mother Nature to behave where the weather is concerned from now until June! I gotta throw my sneakers on and get some walking in....and use those same sneakers to walk past the cookies, brownies, etc. that tend to be floating around work because of the various seminars, workshops and meetings.

...On a good note: I get to have my Lexapro back. Yeah! Dr. D agreed that, considering all that is going on (especially the indecisiveness of my IL's on what the hell they are doing with living arrangements...that saga will continue later), it would be better to have me on a low dose for my sanity (and sleep) than to let me continue with the way things have been going (i.e., the anxiety attacks I have been having since New Year's). So, I will take my first dose (5 mgs for now) tonight when I get home. Oh, sweet relief... I don't necessarily like the idea of taking additional meds right now... But, I need my head back a bit.

Finally....some long-awaited belly pics

2008-03-14T11:40:00.002-04:00

After long wait (sorry, I've been too tired at night to do this!), here are some belly pics for all of you. I think I finally "look the part" this time around...which is a nice change since people realize now that I am not just overweight.

First, these are my "before's" for reference...since I have not taken any belly pics until now. These pics are from about 10/06, but I have remained that same weight for a while now (actually, I was slightly thinner than these pics before getting PG with E2):

St. Gerard Feast, October 2006

Halloween, 2006

And, this is me now, at 27 weeks, 2 days (yesterday):

For additional reference, this was me PG with Chris, on my EDD of 4/29/04 (Chris was born a week later on 5/4/04):

I think I am just about the same size now, entering into the 3rd trimester, as I was on Chris' EDD. I have the same pants on, but not the same shirt (although it is grey).

I promise to post more pics in the future. :) It would be nice to document the progression - something I didn't do with my PG with Chris.

How can we remember ALL of our babies?

2008-03-13T20:37:00.004-04:00

Lately, there have been quite a few losses in the blog-o-sphere that have rocked our foundations... Scared us even more when we see those two pinks lines show on a PG test or see a heartbeat on u/s. Most recently:

Natalie's loss of Devin at 35 weeks, 5 days
Alexa's loss of Ames (his twin, Simone, still fighting)
MaryEllen's loss of her triplets
Also, Allison's twins: Lennox and Zoe

I can't even begin to express how reading about these losses scares the hell out of me. Just when you think you made it past the hurdles: viability u/s's, first heartbeats, NT Scans, Level II u/s's... A baby is taken way too soon...to precious to be with us. It is heartbreaking and well beyond understanding.

I can't even imagine the pain these moms (and dads) are going through. It just shouldn't be this way.

But, there has been something bothering me...because, I hate the idea of missing someone accidentally and I don't want anyone to be left out.

There have been a few memorial candles created for some of the mommies lately...which has been such a great way to support the families, honor the babies taken much too soon, always remember the loss to our community. However, as much as I want to list every single candle created in my sidebar...I know there are many other families mourning losses too for which no candle has been created yet. Those mournings range from early PG loss...to stillbirth...to neonatal death. I don't want to see anyone who has gone through loss - either very recently or long in the past - to ever feel less than supported.

Even though each loss is so unfortunate and so unique, each precious baby should be remembered somehow...each family supported through a unified display of candles or memorials.

So, I have an idea...although I am not sure how to accomplish it since I am in no way a pro with Photoshop, etc. to create them (okay, I will confess I never used Photoshop!). And, would love the input from the community.

I would love to see a site - a blog? - created for all of the moms who have lost children in such a tragic way. Maybe list them in chronological order, with candles, under categories of miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, etc. - but have them all together? Include them all from our community and have a link we can all place on our blogs to honor all of the babies gone taken soon? I would hate to post a candle for one, and not for all - I feel it could potentially make someone feel their loss is not as important as another.

I would love feedback on this...so we can all support each other like we have demonstrated we can do well.

Prayer requests for today

2008-03-13T09:10:00.002-04:00

I have two prayer requests today to throw out to everyone....

First, Chris' Zia is having her retrieval today - this 4th IVF cycle is going very well, and very differently from the cycles in the past. Please pray this works...transfer should be Sunday. She and S deserve this...they have been waiting to be parents for way too long. My St. Gerard candle will be lit tonight for them...

Second, on a personal front, Hubby has two job interviews coming up - first is today at 11:30 am with a good law firm and the second is Monday with a recruiting firm (the position would be for a recruiter, which he would be sooooo good at - and he got scouted for). He really could use the job change as there is still no clue to what his current boss is doing for the long haul - except that he finally moved the office much closer to home, which allows Hubby to get home at a decent hour! I don't trust nor like his current boss...so maybe my opinion is tainted. But, Hubby could really use the new job...and the extra cash coming in!

Thanks!

Why do old habits die so hard?

2008-03-11T09:33:00.005-04:00

I am totally exhausted today... Woke up around 4 am this morning after not sleeping soundly to begin with (again)...vacillating between freezing cold and sweating... nauseous... shaky... feeling like I was coming down with some sort of stomach bug...

...But, then I realized I was missing the prerequisite stomach pains and cramps that actually DO come with a stomach virus...and the pale skin tone...and I was hungry. So, I knew what was actually happening this morning.

I allowed myself to have an anxiety attack...which I haven't had since New Year's night...and a long time before that (before starting the Lexapro I had been on).

I forgot how they felt...until now, of course, in the post-attack, zombie-like state.

And, why did I allow this to happen? After having worked so hard with counseling and such since May 2006 to get past this self-inflicted state?

Well, the main thing is that I have been worried all weekend that I haven't been feeling E2 move that much...to the point that I wasn't sure if I should call my doc and look like an ass for being completely off my rocker (not that Dr. D would think that - but, that is my line of thinking) or try to figure out why I am perceiving him not moving as much as he is.

Because, in the end, it really IS my perception - and not E2 not moving that much. This morning, as I allow myself to step back a little bit from rushing around to get everything done, I am currently getting the crap kicked out of me...for which I am extremely grateful. I spent this past weekend with a jam-packed schedule - food shopping, house cleaning, laundry, baking cookies for Chris' nursery school special church service Sunday morning, preparing food for Sunday's dinner at our house after the church service, blah, blah, blah.

Life has been much busier with this PG compared to my PG with Chris...so I tended to notice more movement during the day back then. But, then again, these are things I know I can do normally and without any issues...and should not be affecting me now.

Although, now I realize that I need to slow down a little bit...and start asking for help, which I had learned to do in the past but have been reluctant to do recently. Who knows why.

I am doing too much and not allowing enough rest in between it all. I am trying to keep everything together, between work responsibilities (which have increased with trying to prepare for maternity leave and with the firing of the Witch, trying to get Chris' private therapy covered (more on that later...but I will say now we turned down the in-district school placement based on the private evaluation we had done), getting ready for the IL's to start the addition to our house (since, yes, they will be moving in with us and will be putting a full dormer on our third floor instead of just finishing the attic as-is), getting ready for E2's arrival which includes getting the room ready, trying to help Hubby in his job search (although, at least his current boss finally moved the office much, much closer to home! No more 1+ hour commute for Hubby!) and the every-day responsibilities of home stuff.

Add to that, I am still trying to get over this second cold (I have had two different colds now straight since 1/26 and the coughing with this cold has been horrible) and I am just not sleeping well (I have been way more physically uncomfortable with this PG than I was with Chris - Charlie horses almost every morning, Restless Leg issues if I try to sleep in my bed which is forcing me to sleep on the futon, hip soreness almost all of the time). I am trying not to complain about anything at this point...but, the lack of sleep is starting to make that task difficult.

I keep thinking that maybe, with everything that is going on right now, I should just break down and ask Dr. D to start me back on the lowest dose of Lexapro... I have been trying very hard to avoid that - although he has left the decision up to me with the caveat that is would be best not to be on anything since I am on other meds as it is. But, do I try to push on three more months this way and risk more anxiety issues coming up, or just bite the bullet and start taking the meds again to calm myself down?

Not sure what I should do here...although I know I need to really start doing something soon, before my house starts getting ripped apart. I want to do what is best for E2...and Chris...and me. But, I hate to consider meds now...as I am hitting 27 weeks today and in the last trimester of this PG. Makes me feel like a failure...

Oh, dear...when will this fruit-loop finally go away?

2008-03-06T12:42:00.001-05:00

Ah...Just when you think things are over, the fruit-loop (aka, the witch, aka the ex-Associate Director who was fired) sends this directly to me:

Dear --,

I am writing to let you know that I filed a grievance against XXX for things he did that were rather creepy and they have nothing whatsoever to do with you or for that matter anyone else at YYY. I always said and continue to say that you have been helpful to me especially after I made those specific requests on how you could help me. I thought I should let you know this as I would hate to cause you more stress than you already have. I wish you the best of health and good luck in everything. Bye

Regards,
ZZZ

So, I know she filed a grievance with the university...and certainly not surprised she filed one against my Director, who is one of the SWEETEST men (think of grandfatherly boss) you could ever meet! But, sending me personal e-mails...considering I have not spoken to her since August 2007???

Why do I not believe I will not be named in any part of the grievances she has filed?

Because she is an unstable molecule... We'll have to see where this goes now.

In search of a new blog designer

2008-03-06T10:18:00.002-05:00

So...I found out today that the designer of my current blog template is no longer going to be supporting the images of the designs she had done past June 2008.

Crap.

So, I am looking at replacing my template now...which is okay, because I had been thinking it might be time for a change anyway. My life is moving in a new direction now - new baby arriving in June, Chris starting Pre-K (OH MY GOD!!!!!) in the fall, the formal end of TTC because I just don't think I could handle the stress and worry of trying for a third child.

So, any suggestions of a reputable custom template designer would be appreciated. :) I need a makeover...

How to do right by your child

2008-03-04T15:28:00.004-05:00

It has been a long while since I posted any updates on the IEP process (err, fiasco) for Christopher... Mostly that has been because, well, as has been shown in the past, the CST has been less than stellar at keeping on top of things.

Par for the course with this group, right? Or a majority of CST's as I have learned rather quickly.

Anyways, we had a HUGE pow-wow with the CST and other in-district "professionals" a few weeks ago (after waiting for revisions we requested), received a new IEP draft, asked for yet another revision since there are things we wanted specifically written in there (like, how often would the ABA-trained specialist actually be working one-on-one with Chris - kinda important to have in the official document, no?), waited, finally got a new draft last week...

...THEN get hounded for a decision the next day after receiving the document in snail-mail by the SAME CST that has dragged their feet from the start!

So, I played bad-cop - again....because, well, I have yet another cold (with a lovely, husky cough to boot) and I feel like crap. I told them WE will take the time to review the IEP, yet again since their track record for putting things in writing as we want them is not good, and will give them a start date for school when we are good and ready.

Right now, we have an un-official start date of March 11th - to include Tuesday/Thursday/Friday half days in-district and Mondays/Wednesdays half days in his current nursery school for two weeks to get him accustomed to the new school; Tuesday/Thursday/Friday full days in-district and Mondays/Wednesdays half days in his current nursery school for two weeks to get him accustomed to the full days; then total transition to the Monday-Friday week at the new school...with extended school year through July (half days only from mid-June through July with full services).

Meanwhile, we had a private eval done last week through the Lovaas Institute (waiting for the report to come back) because, quite frankly, we are just no longer sure Chris NEEDS a school program anymore.

Let me explain...

Chris' speech therapists told us that he is now way above his age level for speech...and that they are giving him assignments that are for kids older than him because he likes the challenge. He masters everything he is given fast - and applies it. Well, I can see what they mean since Chris now has an "opinion" on everything, as well as a crass sense of humor. And, we wanted him to come up to his age level on speech?? What were we thinking?? It is all good - and we are very proud of him.
He is completely potty trained now...well, kinda 50-50 at night, but I am not worried about that now. He can go out to the store and restaurants and elsewhere in big-boy underwear with no accidents. He tells us when he has to go. He tells his teachers when he has to go at school. The potty-fest of 2008 (aka, Martin Luther King, Jr. weekend where it was potty training, all day and all night) was well worth the large pile of peed underwear I washed. This was a MAJOR issue in the IEP - and, well, it is gone now.
All of the O/T and P/T issues that were outlined in his evaluations in...well, October 2007!...are no longer issues now. He was "technically" only 3 months behind on certain things (some because of proximity, like using scissors... Back in my youth, scissors were not a skill acquired until kindergarten!)...and now he is writing letters and numbers. The O/T and P/T was added to load the IEP to get the services in the first place. So, it is no longer necessary.
He is playing along with other kids in school, at gatherings, telling us stories of what went on at school (like him going to the potty), etc. Starting conversations with people he doesn't know, like waiters/waitresses at restaurants who are serving us.
Everything - and I mean, everything including when I try to vacuum (which is NOT a bad thing!) - is "I can do it!", "I wanna do it!", "Let me try!". He is becoming very independent...which makes me sad in a small way, but glad too.

The only issue...and really, it depends upon his level of tiredness now...is the hand-flapping. His teacher at school mentioned he rarely does it now...and if he does, it's because of a very special snack or something very exciting going on that day. It's rare now - she used to correct him very often, now it is rather rare. For us, he hardly does it in the car anymore (one of his prime-spots for hand-flapping). The main time we see it is before bathtime, when he is at his most tired (not cranky-tired, just winding down after a busy day tired). But, even then, it is clear he is catching himself - and correcting it himself - which is what we want for him and an excellent sign of progress on his part.

So....so....

Where does this leave us with a school program that we are just not thrilled with in the first place? I don't know. I have some major reservations about the in-district program (the only one that remotely fits his "needs"):

We live in "the 'hood" in NJ - the area the school is in has had 2 shootings in the past year. Do I really want my MIL or myself driving Chris to an area like that? Sure, the school itself is secure - but, what happens when he steps outside?
It is full day...from 9 am - 3 pm. Chris still naps from 1-3 pm. And, quite frankly, what is built into the schedule at that time just doesn't justify his being there...or any of the kids.
...And the district will not change it to include part-time.
The amount of time an ABA trained therapist would be working with him would be 60 minutes a week one-on-one. Well, we can PAY for that on our own with a private therapist.
I LOVE that Chris comes home with a sense of faith from a Lutheran nursery school...and it was our plan to send him to Catholic school (which Hubby picked up the application for today for Pre-K 4 for the fall - half days, 5 days a week!).

I want what is best for Chris in the long run...but, he does not fit at all into what his evaluations "showed" in the fall. He doesn't stand out from the crowd of kids.

His neurologist felt he would fall off "the spectrum" rather quickly as it was back in August (she is out on maternity leave now...which makes this decision even harder for us to make)...and it appears she is probably right. The impression we got from the evaluator last week is that she really didn't see much of a problem with Chris...

I am not sure what to do here... This is his future that we are making a decision on.

25 weeks, 6 days...

2008-03-03T10:45:00.002-05:00

...and only 99 days to go.

Oh, my! When did THAT happen?? The countdown in double-digits is already here....talk about sneaking up on you.

Guess I better finally take a belly pic this week before this baby arrives. :)

February 29th: A Special Day to Remember

2008-02-29T10:42:00.009-05:00

Calliope at Creating Motherhood came up with the idea a while ago to make today, February 29th, a very Special Day to Remember for the babies we have lost. Please go over and visit Calliope's blog, and the other blogs who are banding together today to remember the babies we have lost too soon.

It has not been until now that I have finally begun to enjoy this current, surprise PG. Every waking second, every appointment, every milestone in this PG has been overshadowed with what I have come to know all too well: Great betas (well, this one is directed to me specifically since I never got past the betas with any of my m/c's), first detection of heartbeats, great growth patterns, first kicks and punches does not mean a baby will come home with you at the end of those precious 40 weeks of pregnancy.

There has been so much loss lately....the reality of what can happen and what can go wrong is overwhelming. And, it is hard to ignore, even if the risks of something going wrong are "relatively low". I mean, recurrent miscarriage is supposed to only happen to a small percentage of women: about 4% of women to experience two losses; 0.16% of women to experience three losses.

How did I end up in that 0.16% anyhow? That wasn't supposed to happen.

I think that is what made enjoying this PG - one that seems to be progressing "normally," much like my PG with Chris did - hard to do up to this point. If I could be a part of that "elusive" club of recurrent miscarriers - that "elusive" 0.16% of women to experience three losses - who's to say this PG would result in a live sibling for Chris?

I dream of going to the jeweler and adding a new shoe charm in June for this little boy I am carrying to my bracelet I wear every day:

But, I push the dream aside sometimes because, well, will God allow me to bring another child home? The thought of adding another angel charm scares the hell out of me...and prevents me from partaking in the naive dreaming I once did during my pregnancy with Chris, when miscarriage was not yet a part of my vocabulary.

I guess what has been weighing on my mind lately is that the anniversary of my last m/c is coming up very soon...in 21 days. This loss was the hardest hit for me. The one that really knocked me down, heart and soul. I never imagined another miscarriage could ever happen. That I could be so sick with morning sickness and the baby could already be gone. That God could allow this to happen for a third time...and take another baby away from me.

I lost so much of myself on March 21, 2006... It has taken so long to find my way back - and it hurts me so much to see others losing themselves in this too.

Losing a baby is not supposed to happen. Not to me, not to anyone.

Latest updates on E2

2008-02-21T10:45:00.009-05:00

We had another growth scan this morning...at 7:30 am. Can you say, WOW that's early! Even for me, who gets up at 5 am to primp! But, it is nice to go in to the appointment on time, get out ahead of time, and get into work before you expect to (not that I WANT to be here, but it is less time I have to make up somewhere else).

Anyways, E2 is measuring perfectly for 24 weeks - and is currently about 1 lb., 10 oz. with a heart rate of 140 bpm. I have no idea what Chris was estimated weight-wise at 24 weeks...so, I am not sure how that will predict (or as close to predict as possible) birth weight. That remains to be seen (or, felt, really).

E2 is currently breech - completely sideways across my abdomen and face down. It's no wonder why I get jabbed where I do right now if I move a certain way (he doesn't like it if I twist side to side)! Not really worried about it right now though... Little Angelina was breach at one point too. I am sure he will move eventually (although, I am spoiled since Chris was always face down at scans or appointments). But, I did tell DH that if E2 choses not to move and breech is still a possibility closer to delivery...I will opt for the c-section right away. I will not have an external cephalic version (ECV) done. Have you ever seen them on shows like Birth Day??? They are SCARY as hell when they show you how they do it on TV! And, its painful. And, it only works half the time.

...I think I'd rather have the incision scars.

E2 was being a little ornery today... Although the tech and the doc got good pics of the vital organs, he refused to move his hands away from his face. Figures. So, I am not even going to scan the pics today - none are clear, even though the tech tried to clear one or two of them. Next scan is not until April 17th...so, hopefully he will be a little more agreeable then.

...I'm telling ya... I'm starting to get scared of his personality already. My mom better stop telling me that this one is going to have a completely different personality from Chris - I like Chris' funny, laid back nature. For example, E2 likes to kick when I am standing or walking around (especially when I am doing my make-up and hair in the morning) - Chris never, ever did that! I had to sit or lie down for his beatings. E2 likes to punch and kick low....I can feel it in my bladder and intestines like he's kicking a soccer ball. Chris liked to spar with the ribs - think karate (which he will be starting very soon). And, I mean ALL-THE-TIME.

Sure hoping this one is NOT like my older brother... Will be in major trouble if he is!

Alas, since I am not scanning any pics today (well, maybe I'll scan the best one and post it later tonight - depends upon the guilt laid on here for new pics)...I'll post one from his Level II in December where you can really see the features of his face:

Enjoy!

24 weeks and...Ding Dong! The witch is dead!!

2008-02-19T10:58:00.004-05:00

...and I don't mean the AF witch...or anything to do with pregnancy, TTC or miscarriage. I mean THIS witch!

So, the "situation" with the wing-nut Associate Director (which was dug much further than what I had posted back in August) is finally resolved as of today...after much red tape and hoopla (you know I work for a State University...to get someone fired here requires much "i" dotting and "t" crossing). She is officially suspended without pay - starting 4:3o pm today through her "official" end of her appointment on May 30th. She was asked to clean out her office, which is done sometime before this morning (probably overnight with her DH...which was not uncommon to see things moved in her office in the matter of a few overnight hours). Her e-mail is being forwarded to our Assistant Director to review - that is, of course, if there is actually anything work-related in there, which is highly unlikely. She is being removed from every inch of our web site and mailing lists - the number of hits on our web site is more than cut in half already!

PHEW!!!! The drama is now over...and we can regroup and begin to work again in a cohesive manner. And, find a new Associate Director who actually wants to do the job hired for.

However, of course the matter may still not be "over." Depends upon if she gets the hair-brained idea of suing us for unlawful termination. She won't win that - there is too much documentation of the havoc she caused for the staff, the work she didn't do, the un-related, personal research she DID do on University/work time, and the bad-mouthing she chose to do with "colleagues" from the moment she started working here in June 2007. So, it would be pointless to sue us...but, then again, she is a totally unstable molecule and only time will tell if that will happen.

Luckily, my bosses will "shield" me from it if 1) it happens at all and 2) if I am named at all in it. They don't want the stress of the mess she made for me in August or thereafter affect this PG. I am grateful for that.

So, I am officially 24 weeks along today... Next growth scan will be Thursday. E2 is already turning out to have a different personality than Chris - he likes to kick me when I am standing up, which is something Chris never did. And, the nurse at my ob's appointment last week had to chase him around with the doppler because he didn't like it at all (took her a few shots to get him to lie still to get the heart rate). I will post pics and belly pics (well, belly pics as soon as they are taken anyway - have been really lax on that) later in the week.

I noticed today how bad I have been on posting here recently... I never even finished documenting the Vacation 2007 series, which I promise to do before E2 arrives in June. I don't want to forget the good time we had on vacation.

But, time has just been very short, between work, finally getting Chris' services in place (more on that later), the IL's house (which was officially boarded up on Valentine's Day - nice, huh?), preparing for maternity leave, having a cold that lasted for more than 2 weeks (which Chris now has and made himself puke Sunday night because of the coughing)...and so on and so on.

I am waiting for the slow-down...hopefully that will be soon so I can really get back to blogging.

A revelation on my faith

2008-02-08T09:16:00.000-05:00

That church I pass on the way to work had another good saying this week...

"Faith makes things possible...
Not easy."

Well, if that isn't a reality check...

Not that I was ever expecting my faith to be easy - I wasn't. I never have, especially having chosen the faith I did. But, I could never allow myself to understand why the God I had faith in would take three precious lives away from me...and I think something has clicked.

Enjoying this pregnancy - and having faith this it would continue on this far - has not been easy. But, it is possible...and preparing for that possibility is starting to take form, happily.

I am at peace with that faith now.

I will post updates soon. I know I have been a little neglectful of my blog, but there just hasn't been a lot of time between work, potty training Chris (which was a challenge in the beginning, but we are doing very well!), and trying to figure out the IL's housing situation.

To that end, until I can get back for a real update, please keep my IL's in your prayers. They are moving out of their home of 35 years this weekend, moving in temporarily with Hubby's aunt and uncle across the street until they can decide what the next move will be: Move in with us and fix up the attic to accommodate them, or prepare for the possibility that they may be able to buy their house back as a "new buyer" instead of trying to salvage the mortgage that was foreclosed on. It is a strong possibility that they will be able to buy the house back...hence the temporary move in with Hubby's aunt and uncle. We would love for them to be back in that house...so we ask for some prayers that might make that a possibility.

How to celebrate your 35th Birthday in style....

2008-01-22T10:12:00.000-05:00

So... I find myself at 20 weeks pregnant today...

Yeah, I can hardly believe it either! But, that is what my FF ticker says...and my doctor's chart. I promise to post a belly pic soon...probably this week. It is amazing how much bigger I am this time around. I LOOK like I am pregnant - never really did until the very end with Chris. So, this is turning into some fun now. :) I.E., I am finally enjoying this PG...especially with the inner-boxing sessions that put my mind at ease.

The "down" side, of course, is I turn 35 years old tomorrow...and officially receive the "Advanced Maternal Age" moniker at the doctors' offices now. Yeah me! I know, a number is a number. But, the new label - although not as bad as Habitual Aborter - is one I never really planned on having...

...But, God doesn't always like plans, now does He?

So, how does one celebrate one's 35 th birthday in style???

Having the in-law's move in, that's how!

Okay, to backtrack a little bit...

My FIL was a very, very sick man starting in 2002.

He is a Type II diabetic - and, for a very long time, chose to ignore it and not care for himself properly. His diabetes has led him to lose feeling in his feet - so, he did always take one precaution as to wear shoes or slippers all of the time.

...Except, of course, one fateful day in the early fall of 2002.

We had finally finished our post-Honeymoon "love nest" (aka, our new, hand-built apartment to save money instead of renting one) on my IL's home in early 2001 - Living room, kitchen, bathroom which added on above my IL's kitchen and bathroom. We kept DH's room growing up (one of the two only bedrooms in the house) as our bedroom (which was all we had for the first few years of our marriage - talk about me being accommodating!), which opened up to the kitchen. It was all we really needed at the time - having children was not really on the radar in the first few years of marriage.

The addition was done on our own - my FIL, DH, myself and anyone else who was handy with a nail gun and drywall helped with demolition and construction. It took a long, long time to get done, as you can probably tell: We married in 10/1998 - and the addition was started shortly before then. It was finally finished in early 2001...and we settled in. And, we thought everything was cleaned up from the construction - all scraps of wood, siding, nails, etc.

Except, we missed some construction staples.

My FIL walked out in the very early Fall of 2002 into the backyard with no shoes on to turn off the pool filter - and he stepped on a construction staple. But, since he had no feeling in his feet, he never felt it....and it remained there for 2-3 days until my MIL noticed it. And, of course, it was already infected - eventually spiraling him into a series of infections, including a massive MRSA infection, which caused him to lose the toes on his right foot. The wound, until just last year, refused to close... So, it has been years of doctors, surgeries, antibiotics, disability, unemployment for my IL's.

...And, years of doctor's bills, inability to pay the bills, and inability to pay the mortgage on the house they owned since 1973.

So, two years ago, a foreclosure notice was given...although never pressed. My FIL was employed by the town as a Lead Abatement Inspector for a federal governmental agency in the Summer of 2005 - and his ability to pay the bills and mortgage came back. So, we thought the house could be saved and the foreclosure lifted...

...But, that changed on January 7th, 2008 - when the mortgage company decided not to play nicey-nicey anymore...and an eviction notice was issued for them to be out by February 8th.

So, after 35 years of owning this home, they have to be out. Our early marriage memories will be gone now...as will all of the memories they have invested in that house. And, there is nothing we can do about it.

Long, drawn-out story, isn't it?

So, the past two weeks has been spent helping them pack/move/store all of their belongings (they plan to be out completely this weekend) - and pack/move/store all of the things DH never cleaned out since we moved into our home around the corner in June 2003.

The past couple of weeks has also been trying to help them figure where to go - move into DH's aunt's house across the street from us for a little while, find an apartment, etc.

My MIL does not want to move into her sister's house - it is very loud and busy and cramped as it is, since DH's grandmother is also living there (she had moved into our old apartment when we bought her house in 2003). BUT, it would be the most economical move for them to do that - no rent, no utility bills - so they can save money and straighten themselves out financially. Since she doesn't want to do that, that forces them into renting an apartment for $1500 or more (NJ is expensive)...but, that would not allow them to save money, pay bills off. It would force them into renting for probably the rest of their lives.

So (and you can call me a SUCKER later), I got into a discussion with DH about it was a shame we didn't have our third floor (full attic) finished yet - it would be more than enough room for them to live in for 6-12 months, until they could get themselves on their feet again. Living with them again would be a hard adjustment for all, especially with a new baby coming - but, we have done it before with much less room...and we could probably do it again for a short period of time.

I guess, what I am having a hard time justifying is the $$$ they will have to spend on rent - and not be able to save anything.

Anyway, conversation was continued last night with my ILs over for dinner - since my FIL works for the town, he has access to many contractors. And, these contractors can discount the work for him...and get the attic done (insulate, sheet rock, wire, install a small bathroom above the only bathroom in the house, finish/paint) in a fairly quick amount of time.

...The only concession we would make is we would switch our bedroom with Chris' current room since the stairway to the third floor is from our bedroom and, well, do you want your IL's coming through late at night??? Changing the rooms is no big deal - the thought had been there anyway, and the rooms are relative the same size (just different shape).

So, that is how I will be celebrating my 35th Birthday...preparing for construction and the IL's to invade our house for 6-12 months until they can either be in a position to buy something on their own or we can find a real 2-family in a town we would like to settle in a year or so from now (which was a plan we had in mind anyway).

Sound fun?

My therapist is going to have a field day with this tonight at our first session of the New Year!

Rainbow bridges

2008-01-11T13:36:00.000-05:00

Well, that church on my way into work had another good saying this week... Something that I am going to try to live by now:

"Don't let yesterday get in the way of living today"

I have been thinking about this quote all week... Thinking about how I have spent the past 18 weeks or so of this pregnancy living in the "yesterday" - my past of loss, worry, fear. Thinking about how I have kept relatively quiet on my blog, in my BGs and in my real life about this pregnancy, in fear that I would have to go back and un-tell everyone...in fear of replaying history and puncturing another hole in my heart.

...And, there are times now when the fear is still there.

In early December, I had a small e-mail exchange with Mel about moving my blog from the "Pregnancy Loss" list on her blog roll to "Pregnancy After Infertility or Loss." It was a big step at the time...as I just entered the 2nd trimester - a time when that nagging fear of loss should be gone. But, it wasn't gone for me at the time. And, although the fear was still present, I had to take small steps to accepting that maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't lose this pregnancy after all.

With the "perk" of being high-risk (do we really want to call it that?) and getting the 3D u/s done yesterday (covered through insurance, thank goodness!), something changed that I can't quite explain.

...Maybe it was seeing this baby - the baby I feared so much talking to, rubbing my belly for in fear I was dooming his/her fate if I emitted any hope at all - as a real person for the first time yesterday: his face, heart, hands, toes, legs...everything in its right place, doing what he should be doing. Sure, I had u/s pics of Chris during his PG - but, never the 3D u/s pics where you could see every detail of what he will look like. That rush to my heart is without words...kind of akin to Dr. D announcing Chris was a boy when he was born almost 4 years ago...something I can always look back on fondly as E2 grows up.

...Maybe it was partly the most perfect rainbow I got to see on my way into work earlier this same week - start to finish - similar to this pic:

I never in my life saw any rainbow this perfect...this bright and beautiful...from beginning to end. It reminded me of another quote I saw shortly after I found out I was PG again...

"After the storm comes the rainbow"

The rainbow and the quotes had perfect timing... The rainbow, a perfect bridge from the sorrow I felt from losing my babies to the baby that refuses to let go, and the reminder that I can't allow myself to live in the past any longer. I need to celebrate what I have now...to be thankful, to dream, to live in the here and now.

I am hoping to archive from now on some of the good points of this pregnancy, as it goes on, now that I am finally becoming comfortable with it all. A good start would be actually showing what I look like now...about 10-12 pounds heavier with a tummy starting to show. I promise to do that sometime over the weekend...finally. It was something I had been avoiding.

Great things come in...

2008-01-10T11:55:00.000-05:00

...Blue packages.

Yep, you guessed it. I will be outnumbered in my house:

But, we have healthy...growing perfectly on target for 18 weeks, 2 days with ten fingers, ten toes, perfect heart, perfect everything. We are happy....and so relieved, halfway through this pregnancy.

Now, we have to think about names... "C's" and "K's" since that is what we have in our little family. But, we have time for that...and won't decide specifically until he arrives into this world. However, it is a shame I can't reuse "Christopher" since, looking at the u/s pics, this little boy will look just like him (especially in the second pic):

And, here is a pic from when Chris was only six weeks old:

And, at 3 1/2 years old:

The resemblance is rather uncanny...even for siblings.

The one thing, though, that is left for worry is that although my cervix via u/s is nice and closed and measuring perfectly in length, the doctor at the MFM clinic wants me back in for another u/s in two weeks for a re-check. He could see via the u/s "trauma" to the cervix and asked if I had had surgery in the past. When I told him I was induced with Chris (Cervidil and balloon catheter to get to 4 cm's, then Pitocin to get to 10 cm's) and had two d&c's (which requires service dilation), he said it should be re-checked. So, I will be back for another view on 1/24. Thank goodness for insurance...it will be nice to see the little man again.

I think, finally, I can have some comfort in this pregnancy... E2 (or Elvis 2, since we called Chris "Elvis" while pregnant with him because we didn't find out the gender in that pregnancy) is perfect. He is healthy.

I couldn't ask for more, now could I?

Holding on...

2008-01-02T13:37:00.000-05:00

Sorry to be so MIA - Blogging has been such an amazing outlet for me since my last miscarriage and not being able to get on here to vent (which, by the way, a major one is coming in this post!) has been a huge detriment. I can't believe I have not posted in almost a month. Things are just very crazy right now...and I am not sure when it will all come to an end.

Thanks to those who have e-mailed me to ask me how things are going and what's been happening. I appreciate immensely your thoughts and well wishes. Thank you for taking the time to check in.

Where to begin... where to begin...

The pregnancy is going just fine... At my last prenatal appoint on December 12th, the heartbeat was 144 bpm on doppler, which is about where Chris' heartbeat was from the second trimester forward. Not sure if that is a sign pointing toward gender or not...but, I will take it. Healthy and happy is all I want. My next appointment (Level II u/s) is not until January 10th - 8 days from today. That has become a major source of stress for me as of late, especially with the holidays and everyone now knowing what is going on. Going a whole month without any check-up has really thrown me (although it really shouldn't) and made me stress about every little normal thing. The fear of losing this baby has not left me, even with the very tiny kicks I am already feeling. I have yet to enjoy this pregnancy...and I just hate myself for it. I am 17 weeks, 1 day today - and I just don't feel connected. Every time something comes out of my mouth about the pregnancy - whether it be about when I plan to take maternity leave, what I want to do for the baby's room, what toys we need to refresh for a second use, what we need to borrow - I feel like I am dooming this pregnancy to fail. All I want is to enjoy this - love this baby as he/she deserves to be. Yet, I feel like I am watching this pregnancy pass through the eyes of a third party - like my pregnancy is taking place through someone else and I am only seeing glimpses of it. How much reassurance is it going to take for me to finally be able to enjoy the new beat-up sessions in the middle of the night? To be happy about finally beginning to show a little bit? To dream about how Chris will be as a big brother and how they will grow up together?

I should have moved on to being happy and secure in this pregnancy by now, but it just isn't happening and it is not fair. This pregnancy is the biggest miracle and wish come true, and it feels like it is slipping out between my fingers.

...And, although I am happy to be gaining the weight from this pregnancy, I am NOT happy with the fact that I gained 10 pounds already! If I keep cruising at this speed, I am going to gain the full 40 lbs back that I lost. I gained a healthy 27 pounds in my pregnancy with Chris, and I wanted to try to hover around that weight. But, it has been very hard keeping food away from my mouth this time around - it has been a very different pregnancy with less nausea and way more cravings... I am hoping that the weather warms up a bit soon so I can get out and walk a little of the weight off!

Work is also turning into a major worry:

First, we still have that crazy Associate Director here...albeit sporadically. Allegedly, her middle child had a major infection in the bone and had to be in the hospital on IV antibiotics for two weeks to clear it - this, after she took two weeks off for no reason until my Director sent her a letter telling her that she was to take this "leave" without pay and that she had to return on December 10th or her job would be terminated...then the "leave" turned into "doctor's orders" for either anxiety or high blood pressure. She is yet to produce the proper medical documentation about her child's illness...or her own. I hate to ever think that someone would be crazy enough to lie about their child's illness... If her child was in fact really sick, I pray that he is okay. But, the lies and tall-tales on her part keep coming...and the rest of us are left to pick up the work she is choosing not to do. But, we have to have all of our ducks in a row in order to terminate - and my Director is desperately trying to do just that.

Second, my Center Administrator is set to retire at the end of June - while I am out on maternity leave. This scares the hell out of me for several reasons: 1) She has been the ONLY Center Administrator here for the entire time I have worked here (9 1/2 years, plus a few months as a temp over the summer of 1996) and she knows how my programs run and is such a priceless back-up for me, and 2) Her replacement that she is proposing is someone I have heard from several people cannot be trusted and is very hard to work for; AKA, you cannot tell her anything personal or else she will use it against you with other people in the office.

It is still not clear who will be doing my work over the summer, especially with the unknowns going on with said Associate Director above. I have to begin looking at new insurance plans because my current insurance of 9 1/2 years is bring disbanded by the State...and I have to pick carefully because there are so many doctors involved in my pregnancy care, and of Chris and his PDD-NOS diagnosis. And, I am really tiring of the hour commute in/out of work after these 9 1/2 years...a commute that should only take 35 minutes without traffic - people are just freakin crazy driving in NJ.

Thinking of trying to change jobs right now is really impossible - I don't know what I want in a job, except I want closer to home and maybe the ability to work from home a couple of days a week (which my bosses promised when I returned from my leave with Chris, but had to rescind because of someone else in the office). And, now that we are in the New Year and my due date is practically in five months, trying to find a new job now is just not likely to happen. I am trying to keep my game-face on here, despite the hurdles, because my Director and Center Administrator, and the entire staff (minus the crazy Associate Director who, to my knowledge, doesn't even know about this PG) have just be wonderful through it all. I like working here, although I would much rather be a full time, stay at home mom. So, I am trying to stick it out until the fall, and then decide what to do.

Then, there is the issues still rolling around about what to do with Chris and school and his diagnosis of PDD-NOS. Hubby (which I will rant about very shortly) dropped the ball BIG TIME on this. I wanted our response in to the Child Study Team by mid- to end of November since we had the draft IEP and we had finally seen the placements offered first-hand - he did not send the response until December 20th, essentially guaranteeing no movement in his placement for January, which would have been a very natural transition from one program (his nursery school) to another. I kept asking Hubby about the letter - when was I going to see a draft of it, when was he sending it - and progress came in spurts until we got a letter from the child study team stating that they would close Chris' file unless they heard from us within 15 days of that letter. I blew my top at Hubby with that - HE wanted to write the letter, outlining all of the issues we had with the school district, the placements offered, how the choices of placements were extremely inappropriate because HE wanted to document the laws and how their suggestions in no way fit the laws. So, the letter finally got out...and, of course, there was no way we were going to hear from them over Christmas. We did get a request for a meeting with the child study team on Friday...which is good. But, there is more to go...and we are wasting Chris' precious time!

Luckily for us, Chris has made sooooo much progress with private speech therapy once a week - he is talking in complete sentences now, is jumping/hand-flapping less (except when extremely tired), is initiating conversations about things at school he does. It is wonderful to see how much he has grown up in the 4 months he has been in speech therapy. But, it is still not fair to him to make him wait this long...and I am pissed with Hubby on it.

....And, then there was the holidays....and the lack of rest and time with Chris, thanks to the Hubby.

Hubby is a wonderful man - in the grand scheme of things, he is the best of husbands and confidants and friends. But, as of late, since losing his last job in October, he is sliding and I don't recognize the man I married anymore.

Along with the long delay on getting the child study team letter done for Chris, I know he is not really pursuing finding a new job nearly as hard as he should be - he is waiting for the guy he worked for in between the last job and the one prior to that to make a good, permanent offer. BUT, I am just not sure I trust the guy...and that he will pay Hubby enough to justify the long hours and the still very long commute (a true hour from our house). Hubby has been on one - yes, ONE - interview since losing that last job, and the interview came from a job reference from a fellow attorney. He is not looking - I know he is not, and he doesn't seem to think I can see through the facade and the stories he has created for himself.

Also, I have been asking Hubby to get things finished in the new addition in the house for weeks now - since before Thanksgiving, when the majority of the work was done: like, the flooring in the new part of the living room, the flooring in the now-smaller front porch, the painting of the new front porch. And, you know what he did - despite knowing he is on the internet late a night or watching movies to all hours? He left it ALL for the weekend right before Christmas. Despite my asking him NOT to do that.

So, my house was torn apart for three days prior to Christmas, while my in-laws managed to arrange for the family piano to be delivered to our house over that same weekend without really asking me first...after which I had to clean from the mess of the work, clean the rest of the house, make sure Hubby got rid of his piles and piles of crap (he is a major pack-rat), make sure the rest of the Holiday shopping was done, try to prepare for my family coming over for dinner on Christmas. I was touching up painting he did in the front porch an hour before going to his aunt's house for Christmas Eve.

All of this last-minute work should not have happened.

The Christmas holidays were a blur...save for the pictures that are sitting in my e-mail right now that I will eventually post (there were some bright spots in there...of Chris and the other kids).

Of course, my brother from Texas - whom I have not spoken to in well over a year for various reasons, most specifically, his comments about my losses - just HAD to call Christmas Day and spread his "holiday cheer." He was, as usual, going on and on about how he is a better parent than his ex (although, his actions are what spurred the divorce in the first place) and how he has found God and how he can forgive but not forget - Uh, doesn't forgiving mean forgetting? So, I cut him short with the fact that I am expecting again and how I need to go since our parents were coming over for dinner and I needed to finish cooking...and a very half-hearted promise to call him sometime... Like that will happen any time soon.

Then, we had the post-holiday clean-up and preparation for a holiday dinner with Hubby's friends this past Sunday and the New Year's Eve party at our house. The New Year's party was so-so - had so much food, yet half the people who were supposed to come never bothered to tell me that they were now NOT coming....and then Hubby's family decided to skip out on New Year's Day at our house, which means I am left with food that is going to spoil.

I have ended up so frazzled because of it all, that I had an anxiety attack after everyone had left New Year's Eve night - alone at 2 AM, trying to sleep on the futon in the back bedroom so I didn't wake Chris, feeling like I was going to puke my brains out. ...And, I was not able to take the Xanex that has always worked to stop it.

...I am still recovering from it.

And, on top of it all...Hubby's car died on Interstate 78 on his way home from work before the New Year's Holiday last week. His engine blew in his 1993 Escort, essentially making it useless. So, we now have to find him a newer car while he is borrowing either my car on my carpool days or his father's. We knew we had to replace his car eventually...but not this soon.

I got one quiet day with Chris in the entire holiday break...and I am so upset and hurt about it and with my Hubby, I am without words. That should not have happened at all.

I know Hubby is depressed about his job situation - and the fact that he does not really want to be an attorney. This isn't the first time he has acted this way - just no to this extreme, to the point of having the stress affect me so much physically and emotionally. However, I had offered to him twice now to let us invest the money into getting him out of this career - there are a number of firms that can help attorneys get into new fields. Yet, he has not done that, nor has he been actively looking for a new job.

I have told him he needs to go back to his therapist - which he stopped going to after he got his last job. He has not done that either. So, I am making an end-run and asking my therapist to call his (they are colleagues) in the hope that a session can be set up soon...and maybe Hubby can start getting things back together.

I am so tired of trying to carry it all - the worry of this pregnancy being successful, taking care of the house, taking care of Chris and trying to get him the right services, working full time, balancing the holidays and the get-togethers, trying to make sure the bills are paid when he is not. He is not pulling his weight...and anything I have said, whether it be calmly or screaming like a banshee or in tears Christmas morning, is in one ear and out the other.

We have five months to get things together financially - I go out on maternity leave in early June and this leave will be unpaid except for the 6 weeks disability I am entitled to and two weeks sick time I have accumulated since my maternity leave with Chris. With that, if we want to stay on my insurance, we need to pay COBRA to keep it in effect for those three months. Only five months for him to settle either into a new job or straighten things out with the attorney he is working for right now - and, Hubby is just not seeing the urgency in that.

I don't know what to do about it now...and the stress it is putting on me. I can't take the Xanex right now...and my doc would prefer that I not go back on Lexapro to manage the stress...

...But, I have been through so many nights of insomnia now, and this anxiety last attack on New Year's Eve night, which I have not had since I started Lexapro the first time in mid-December 2006 - it is taking its toll on me. Eventually, this stress is going to affect this pregnancy...and I am so scared of that and what could happen because of it.

I can't make him do anything....especially where counseling and jobs are concerned. But, I am coming to my wits end with this, so much so that I was not a very pleasant person to be around when we went out to dinner with Zia and S last Friday night. I know dinner was a little uncomfortable that night...and I feel bad about it.

I am trying to hold on, but is getting harder and harder to do when Hubby is not trying at all, and everything is falling to me to try to scrape together. Everything is whirling past me right now...and I am enjoying nothing, especially this precious pregnancy and Chris.

We Hold On
by Rush

How many times
Do we tire of all the little battles
Threaten to call it quits
Tempted to cut and run

How many times
Do we weather out the stormy evenings
Long to slam the front door
Drive away into the setting sun

Keep going until dawn
How many times must another line be drawn
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

How many times
Do we chaff against the repetition
Straining against a fate
Measured out in coffee breaks

How many times
Do we swallow our ambition
Long to give up the same old way
Find another road to take

Keep holding on so long
'Cause there's a chance
that we might not be so wrong
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

How many times
Do we wonder if it's even worth it
There's got to be some other way
To get me through the day

But we hold on

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting - 2007

2007-12-07T08:34:00.000-05:00

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting will be held this Sunday, December 9th. Held annually the second Sunday in December, The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe as they light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.

As per the The Compassionate Friends web page, The Worldwide Candle Lighting is believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe - It creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

As history, The Worldwide Candle Lighting started in the United States in 1997 as a small Internet observance but has since swelled in numbers as word has spread throughout the world of the remembrance. A memorial message board is available during the event at TCF's USA website www.compassionatefriends.org. Hundreds upon hundreds of postings are received each year from all over the United States, as well as dozens of other countries. Some messages are in foreign languages.

Here in the United States, publicity about the event is widespread, being featured in the past in Parade Magazine, Ann Landers column (where my mother found out about it), Guideposts magazine, Annie’s Mailbox, and literally hundreds of U.S. newspapers, dozens of television stations, and numerous websites. Information on the Worldwide Candle Lighting and planned memorial candle lighting services is posted on the TCF website at www.compassionatefriends.org each year as the event nears.

The United States Senate has, for many of the 10 years of the Worldwide Candle Lighting, joined in the remembrance by unanimously passing resolutions declaring the second Sunday in December of each year National Children’s Memorial Day to coincide with The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting.

The Worldwide Candle Lighting gives bereaved families everywhere the opportunity to remember their child . . . that their light may always shine!

13 weeks... And I can't seem to shake the fear

2007-12-04T09:42:00.001-05:00

I am 13 weeks today... Officially (or unofficially, if you are a strict mathematician and go by being exact with 13 weeks, 3 days) into the second trimester. Officially "out of the danger zone" for miscarriage.

But, I am still having such a hard time being happy about this pregnancy....

...No, no. I don't mean not happy - I am happy. But, I am still having a hard time being comfortable about this pregnancy. Feeling comfortable... Feeling safe...

I have had repeat betas, all goods one. I have had three u/s's, all showing (and hearing) heartbeats, on-target growth, fetal movement. I cannot wear my regular pants anymore. I have felt what felt like movement already, last week later at night while trying to fall asleep (that percolating feeling, which I know from my PG with Chris is not gas).

But, none of this seems to alleviate the fear that, with everyone knowing about this pregnancy (which is getting rather hard to hide now anyway), something is going to go wrong. That I am going to have to un-tell everyone...again...the hardest to tell being Chris.

Days before each appointment are spent in an anxiety-ridden panic state:

Sleep is minimal for days leading up to the appointment, which brings on additional nausea.
I begin to make up scenarios in my head of how will I react to finding out the baby has died. Will I cry or be angry? Will I be able to drive home? How will I tell everyone? How will I face everyone? How will this loss end?
I get short with the Hubby, nit-picking such little things he does, when he has been so great taking care of things I don't have the energy to do myself.
I recoil from Hubby as he touches my tummy, talking to the baby growing in there.

Then, after the appointment ends and we leave with u/s pics in hand, I feel guilty for the things that I am preventing myself from doing:

Talking to the baby myself in those days leading up to the appointments, in fear of getting to attached and having my heart ripped out again.
Allowing Hubby to have his time with the baby...telling him/her the stories and singing the songs he used to tell and sing to Chris when I was pregnant with him.
Feeling the joys of carrying another life with me every day.

After my last m/c in 3/06, I remember feeling such guilt for not praying enough for that baby to stay with us. I talked with my therapist about it - how I always carry this guilt that maybe if I had hoped and prayed enough for that baby, instead of feeling so guarded toward the PG to protect myself from the pain again, that maybe the baby would have stayed with us. I know the guilt is irrational... That there was nothing I could have done to save that baby.

Yet, here I am with that same fear...and that same guilt for feeling that same fear... Even with knowing that up until now, this baby is doing just fine. He/she is growing and thriving...and, has a much greater chance of surviving and being born.

All of the doctors involved are so positive, so reassuring that things are going to progress just fine. Why can't I allow myself to feel that?

I have built such a strong defense mechanism for myself...and it is so impenetrable, that I am having a hard time living one day at a time, enjoying the time I have with this pregnancy.

I miss my naiveness I had when PG with Chris. It was a time when I felt nothing could go wrong...that loss could never possibly factor into my world. When morning sickness, as awful as I felt at times, still meant that I would bring a child home in the end. That m/c could never happen to me.

I know all too well now that anything can happen... That just because God has allowed this PG to happen, the "natural" way, does not mean I will bring a baby home. That just because I felt like I was going to puke at any moment, the baby may not necessarily be alive.

I wish I could find that total optimistic side of myself again... I used to always think the cup was half-full. I feel so different now...always waiting for the world to fall in on me.

Maybe these feelings will change once I start feeling movement consistently...have a little reassurance between appointments that he/she is moving around. That won't happen for a few weeks more...

Until then, what do I do?

I want this baby more than anything... To finally give Chris the sibling I always wanted him to have. To finally give the grandparents another grandchild to spoil. To finally give our family the gift of a new life.

How do I stop myself from fearing the worst?

This baby is finally becoming real...tangible...

2007-11-30T09:44:00.000-05:00

I wanted to post these yesterday... but, the NT scan the appointment took a LONG time, then I had to go shopping for a birthday present for a party tomorrow, and then my IL's and I took Chris to the Turtle Back Zoo to see their Holiday Lights Show.

The next u/s went very well - baby's heartbeat is still around 150 bpm, he/she is moving around and measuring right on for where I am. Phew!!

I won't know results from the NT Scan (risk of Downs, trisomy 13 and 18) until the b/w comes back next week and that is compared with the scan. From there, we decide if we need to do an amnio. We met with the genetic counselor prior to the u/s and we basically decided that if my risk of chromosome issues is low (say 1/900, etc), I won't do the amnio. But, if my odds are higher than the m/c rate of the amnio (which is 1/300), then we will do it. So, that is for next week and will be continued then.

Meanwhile, the MFM clinic is checking my homocysteine levels (Dr. D didn't think it was necessary, but the clinic wants it done). I am scheduled for a Level II u/s on 1/10/08 at 18 weeks (they will check cervix then due to induction of Chris and the d&e/d&c history) and after that, I will go back to them for about 2 more u/s's to check fetal growth due to thyroid issues. All the while, still going to Dr. D for normal prenatal checks.

One of the best parts is that according the the MFM clinic scale, I weight 2 pounds less than I did at Dr. D's office 2 weeks ago! YEAH! I am getting worried about my weight (not because of how much I lost, but because I am eating SO MUCH, SO OFTEN!). So, we will see what Dr. D's scale says in 2 weeks!

Here are the u/s pics from yesterday:

I am still so, so guarded about this pregnancy - always scared of the next u/s, the next doppler check, etc. Thinking the rug is ready to be ripped out from under me... That I am going to find out this baby is going to leave us too.

It has been so hard for me to think positively...to be happy...to enjoy this time. I want to. And, I am trying. I want to enjoy when Hubby talks to the baby, whispering how much he loves him/her already. I want to be happy when Chris pats my tummy, saying hello to his younger sibling. I want to glow when people start to notice I am growing into maternity clothes.

But, I think it is finally starting to sink in now that this PG may very well work. I am closing the door to the first trimester now - and, it has been very uneventful. I think we are looking at bringing a baby home in June...finally, a sibling for Chris to love and protect.

I want so much to believe...

A bittersweet Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T15:08:00.000-05:00

Today is Thanksgiving Day...a rather mixed bag for 2007.

As we celebrate the beginning of the holidays with both sets of families, we get to announce today the new, unexpected addition to the clan.

But, as we break the news to the family that doesn't know, we are also remembering that two years ago today, we lost Angel #2.

It will be a different experience, getting to tell the bulk of the family at 11+ weeks pregnant, since I was able to hide this pregnancy (for the most part). The lack of the mega-nausea has been nice.

But, while I am very happy to finally share the news, I still miss, very much, my second Angel. Life changed so much for us - for me - two years ago. This loss brought me way down emotionally to a point I never thought I could reach. Losing this baby was my first major fall, followed in March 2006 with the fall even further of losing Angel #3. It has taken me so, so long to recover from losing these babies...

Although I am still having a hard time feeling comfortable with the idea of this baby staying with us, and making it to June, I am beginning to feel hope and faith that my body will do its job. I haven't felt this way since my pregnancy with Chris. It feels nice...it's been a while.

I am so very thankful today - for so many things: My Chris, my marriage, this new blessing, my family and friends...and the chance to learn from, remember, honor and cherish always my angels, who I know are watching over us.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. May this holiday season bless everyone.

Prayer request for a friend's son

2007-11-20T12:09:00.000-05:00

My friend, C's, son is having surgery tomorrow on the artery on his trachea.

James has been in and out of the hospital since birth - for so many things, including serious, recurring sinus infections. He is such a fighter. And a great little boy (although, because of C living in Florida, we have never met him).

I ask that all of you say a little prayer for him for his surgery tomorrow... He could really use it...as could his family.

Thanks. :)

Beautiful things

2007-11-14T12:57:00.001-05:00

In my Women Who Do Too Much calender today, I received this:

"To be surrounded by beautiful things has much influence on the human creature; to make beautiful things has more."
- Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Well...I am making something beautiful...

And, it is amazing.

My EDD is now changed (by one day) to June 10th - I am measuring perfectly from the u/s done on 10/24: 10 weeks, 1 day. I am also getting kicked and punched like a massive soccer ball...might have to talk to this baby about it when I start feeling the movement in the weeks to come. Heart rate is about 150 bmp.

And, I gained no weight from the last appointment three weeks ago - very good, since I am eating like a cow right now!

Everything looks so perfect...so right.

It is so amazing right now. But, it still feels so, so unreal - two years ago this Thanksgiving Day, I had my d&e for my second m/c. This Thanksgiving, we will be sharing very different - very good - news at just a few days shy of 12 weeks pregnant. It is hard to wrap my head around that. I am having a hard time, still, feeling happy. I am - I am elated! But, I have - and probably always will until this baby is born - that cautious voice in the back of my head. I am trying hard to ignore it...but, knowing how bad things can go now, it is rather hard to ignore it.

I am taking it day by day... And praying day by day...

My IF and RPL Story

2007-11-08T09:57:00.000-05:00

From when I was a very young child, my dream was always to be happily married, financially well off just enough that the bills were paid without worry, and to be a stay-at-home mom to several children. As I grew older, most of that dream remained...although the details of it became a little hazy with going to college, getting a degree, starting a job, marrying later than I had hoped to, and starting a family later than I had ever planned on. The attempt to start a family later is when my dream began to really fall apart...and so did my heart. No one ever expects Infertility. No one ever expects Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. Why was this delivered to OUR doorstep? What did we do wrong in our lives to deserve this? Why did I have to become a part of that 12.5% of the population experiencing infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss...which, statistically, ranks right up there with so many other medical "epidemics."

I have gone to three ob/gyn's in my lifetime - but, only Dr. D (my third and current ob/gyn) was ever concerned about my long, erratic cycles I had lived with all of my life - by Jove! Someone was finally concerned! He did some preliminary testing, but could not really find anything wrong that would be causing them. So, we just waited a bit with the caveat that 1) when we were ready to TTC, that I call him and let him know when we were going to start trying so he could re-run the testing he had done and 2) that whenever we started getting frustrated if things were not happening, that I call him (even if it was under the 12 month TTC wait for someone under the age of 35 years old) so he can really start running the full IF testing. We started TTC in January 2002 - by November 2002, nothing was happening and I had probably 4 cycles in that time period. So, we called and scheduled the TTC consult that month...and testing began immediately. By June 2003, all testing was complete - problem was ovulation, as in I wasn't at ovulating at all and was told that if I did finally ovulate in a very long cycle, that the chances of the pregnancy being viable would be slim to none since the uterine lining would be too old to support a healthy PG, making miscarriage inevitable. Hearing that the chances of me ever conceiving naturally just broke my heart. For someone whose dream was essentially to be a mommy, it was the worse news you could receive. After that, we started our first Clomid/IUI cycle in July 2003 with Dr. D - and, so thankfully, it worked and Christopher was born in May 2004.

Dr. D, after Chris was born, had told us that when we were ready to TTC #2, to let him know immediately - since I have the erratic cycle history and documented ovulation issues, that I would not have to TTC for 12 months before he could intervene. So, we contacted him in June 2005 to start TTC - and my dreams began to crumble when even what worked to conceive Chris didn't work now. Our first cycle in July 2005 of 50 mg Clomid never even produced an ovulation. Our second cycle in September 2005 of 100 mg Clomid finally produced an ovulation - but, so poorly and without warning even on u/s, we scrapped the IUI. But, I ended up getting PG, only to start bleeding a week after my BFP... Three weeks later, a blighted ovum was finally confirmed 100% and a d&e was done on 11/22/05. The Thanksgiving weekend was the worst in history...facing the family was horrible. I couldn't escape the pity in their eyes...and the total lack of mentioning what had happened, for fear I would break down at the beautifully decorated table. In an attempt to "recover" from the loss, we pushed forward into the next cycle in January 2006 - yet again, 100 mg Clomid and IUI. But I never made it to the IUI because I couldn't recover from the stomach virus DS had gifted to me. The IUI was canceled. When I finally felt better, I found I did ovulate (checking OPKs and temping) - Hubby and I made due, and DTD. Two weeks later, I got the BFP. This time, I felt PG - so, although very guarded, we went into the first u/s with joy and laughter...only to be swatted down again when no heartbeat was discovered and the baby was measuring more than a week behind. I had a missed m/c...although I still had all of the symptoms. Of course, my doc did another u/s a few days later to confirm...and I asked for the d&c right away. I was just devastated... This was now my third loss total. How could that be, after having a perfectly normal, successful PG with my DS? I ended up spiraling into anxiety for more than a year...and only with counseling and medication did I finally begin to learn how to deal with it all and accept where my life was going.

The most amazing thing - and I know I am in a very small the minority for this - is our insurance coverage came through with flying colors during all of our experiences of heartbreak and joy. I am a State Employee in NJ - and the medical benefits makes working full time so worth it. The ONLY things not covered by my insurance were OPK's and HPT's. All of my IF testing (loads of b/w, HSG, pelvic/trasnvaginal u/s's, etc.) with the exception of the prerequisite co-pays ($5 in 2002 - $15 now); the IUI cycle that resulted in my PG with Chris, including the semen wash/semen analysis and the monitoring u/s's; all of the prenatal checks and birth expenses of Christopher, again with the prerequisite co-pays and with the exception of the additional cost of the private room I wanted; both the d&e in 11/05 and the d&c in 3/06, along with the genetic testing of the fetal remains removed; all of the recurrent pregnancy loss testing (viles after viles of b/w and other tests); and, finally, all of the care (so far) of this very surprising, high-risk pregnancy - ALL of it was covered. I cannot even fathom how much money all of these tests, procedures, medications and care would have cost me out of pocket. My insurance covered it all, except for the simple co-pays. I don't think DH and I could have come this far without the coverage - coverage that, quite frankly, if mandated correctly by the States of this country, should be available to all of us. I was able to get IF testing done earlier because of coverage - so, it did not take me nearly as long as some women TTC to get PG because the resources and money were there. I was able to get RPL testing done much earlier with my coverage - saving us from longer-term disappointments and heartache, not to mention, allowing me to be TREATED for the medical conditions I have that will affect me later in life. Our coverage, in the end, not only saved us financially...but also gave us peace of mind that we didn't need to worry about the expense of it all during our journey. Less worry = less stress.

It is heartbreaking - and unfathomable - that couples in the US have to risk it all to have a child. Having a child is a natural part of life - or should be made as natural as humanly possible with the appropriate resources and coverage. But, with a statistic of 12.5% of the population experiencing infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss...insurance coverage needs to step up and start helping people become families. IF and pregnancy loss is not only a physical condition - but, eventually, they become emotional conditions as well resulting in lost hours with family and at work. The coverage I have - which includes 4 IVF cycles lifetime (which I wish I could gift to someone who could really use it) - should be the model for all States to copy from.

Helping out a fellow Stirrup Queen

2007-11-05T12:41:00.000-05:00

Mel over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters sent out the following call for assistance.

Go on over and give Mel a huge assist with this! It is for a good cause we all, unfortunately, share in.
==============================================================

So you're receiving this because you are a stirrup queen and I am a stirrup queen and I need your help. I was nominated for an award and at first, I was just touched and it was really nice. Then, Flicka wrote her post this week (http://vacantuterus.typepad.com/vacantuterus/2007/11/you-should-see-.html)
and it gave me an idea. Do I want to win? Hell yeah. But do I see a larger thing we could do with this? Yes.

This award thing will probably get press and I've certainly seen a rise in hits this week since it was announced. Flicka wrote about drafting a letter that people could use. I'd like to win this and use the glance that the general population will give to the winner to draw attention to the IF/pg loss blogosphere. To our issues (especially in an election year). To the reality of IF. Not a letter about how hard it is, but the reality of what it is like to have to pay thousands simply for a chance to get to the parenting starting line. What we need in terms of mandated coverage or job leave. The facts of IF (in numbers and statistics) laid bare.

And then post this letter if I win. Post it even if I don't win, but the winner will be announced at the end of the week/this weekend (I think) and we would need it ready to go up when the most people would be looking. With the blogroll list highlighted (take a look at 1000 stories if you need faces on the issue).

So the help from you--if you can give it this week--is two-fold. Flicka, if you can spearhead this, can you organize anyone who wants to participate (hit reply to this email and I'll compile the list of email addresses and pass them along to Flicka) and get multiple people to do research at once. And start writing this (I'll help you). We just need to finish it by Thursday-ish.

The other thing I need you to do is to ask you to use your blog to get other people to vote. It's three clicks (click on the link, click on Stirrup Queens, and click off the site) and you can vote once every 24 hours. The link to the voting site is http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-blog-1.php. Voting goes until November 8th. I'm posting this letter regardless, but if we want to take advantage of the general population's attention, I have to actually win.

So, um...begging for your help since I feel like my blog is a community space regardless. It is, after all, your virtual living room/bar...minus the pee bucket. If you know of other people who
would want to participate and you're not sure if they got this note (sorry, did a BCC because I'm squeamish about privacy and don't like sending out other people's email addresses unless they say it's okay), pass it along. We just need to move quickly.

Wow...I feel like an activist. Just in time for National Infertility Awareness Week!

Mel

Halloween 2007

2007-11-01T15:54:00.000-04:00

Figured I would have some fun today (since I am half-asleep at my desk...and I can't seem to concentrate on my work anyway...) and post some Halloween 2007 pics.

Enjoy!

The first pic in full costume.

Ahoy, matey!

Arrrr! Check out my hook!

Uh, ma? Do you think this is big enough for all the candy?

Christopher's class party:

Trick or Treating:

Visiting the Great Pumpkin:

Chris and Angelina:

Chris kissing Angelina:

All right, ma! Enough of the kissing Angelina pictures!

Hubby's Cuban uncle as a Sumo Wrestler:

The "rear view". Smashing, no?

Sumo with Angelina:

Coincidences...bringing me to acceptance

2007-10-30T11:24:00.000-04:00

Today would have been my third angel's first birthday...and today was also the first sign of my second miscarriage.

Amazing how anniversaries sneak up on you...

But, I am not very sad today. So much has changed, it is rather hard to describe the lack of sadness. Sadness seems to have been replaced with calm. With gratefulness. With lessons learned (the rather hard way).

I am realizing this current pregnancy is revolving around quite a number of coincidences...all that refer back in one way or another to anniversaries of all three of my miscarriages:

9/19/07 was my approximate ovulation date with this pregnancy...and also the third anniversary of the loss of my first angel on 9/19/04.
My second angel should have been due in 6/06...and I find that I am yet again due in June 2008.
10/30/05 was the day my bleeding started with my second angel, rollercoastering into knowing that I would eventually lose that baby...and I find myself today trying to hold back the nausea from this surprise pregnancy while trying to get Chris to calm down during his flu shot.
10/30/06 was my third angel's due date as well, rather impacting what the Halloween celebrations became...until now, as I look at the u/s picture of my beautiful baby.
Did I mention that, if we went by Dr. D's pregnancy wheel, I would be almost 2 weeks ahead of where I actually am, putting my due date at 5/28/08? My first angel would have been due 5/28/05.

So many coincidences...I am not sure what to make of it all.

I miss my angels immensely. There is no doubt about that. But, I am starting to believe, with all of the coincidences before me, that all three losses were my angels' way of saying to step back from the whole process...let things happen the way they should...eventually, when I learn to live again, everything will be right.

I have been living again...enjoying my time with Chris and DH again, really like I used to before we started TTC again in July 2005.

Makes me wonder...

- If I didn't go through these losses, how long would it have taken for us to find out about the underlying medical problems that needed to be addressed?

- Would my body have eventually figured out what to do on its own?

- Would I have let go of the idea of another child and stop charting, opening the door wide open to this baby's surprise?

I think I can finally say I have learned from my angels. I finally listened to what they wanted me to hear. I was too set on doing things in MY time to listen to them, or to anyone. When I finally stopped the obsessing, the controlling, the planning - things have happened the way they should have.

And, the joke was on us...with message provided through Chris mentioning something about a baby sister out of the blue on a simple Saturday night.

I am forever grateful for this lesson... I hope I can continue to learn, and to quit the controlling ways that have ruled my personality for so long.

I love you, my angel babies. I always will, no matter what. And, thank you. I know, with all three of you watching, the chances of this baby holding on and making it through are that much greater.

A beautiful rainbow....

2007-10-24T14:19:00.000-04:00

We have seen the rainbow...

...And, it is beautiful.

WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!!!

142 BPM.

MEASURING RIGHT ON FOR MY APPROXIMATE OVULATION DATE.

ABOUT 7 WEEKS...AND POSSIBLY A COUPLE OF DAYS.

I go back on 11/14 for another scan (doc suggested doing this to keep my mind at ease). Once that scan is done, I head off to the MFM clinic for check-ups as well. Had all of the bloodwork done. Got my hospital packet. Got my prenatals filled. Got my b/w schedule for thyroid testing throughout the pregnancy.

Looks like there will be a new baby in the house in June 2008.

ETA: Here is the u/s pic:

**Notes the EDD is off - the 8 weeks 6 days is based on my LMP of 8/23/07, not the approximate ovulation date that it should be.

I am without words right now... That baby is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Heart beating. Head forming. That sight only equals seeing Chris for the first time four years ago at his first u/s.

I am beyond happy... Seeing that heart beating still feels like a dream that I never want to be woken from for anything (well, except for a Christopher hug). I still feel, in some way, that that moment was unreal...

...But, it was real. And, I couldn't have asked for more today...despite the rain...and the headache from crying in the u/s room.

Sorry, I would have posted sooner, but I had to wait 1+ hours for Dr. D to get there. He was stuck in a meeting about a half hour away. He asked that I wait for him...he didn't want to push me off on one of the other doctors. He wanted to make sure he did my u/s personally. And, to finally get good news in that u/s room, after 2 years of disappointment and heartache, leaves me speechless.

I am so happy... Anyone wanna do my work today?

Between 6 weeks, 6 days and 7 weeks, 1 day - Don't care. Just scared.

2007-10-23T13:34:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is u/s day... I have it together pretty well so far, despite the beast that is nausea setting in with force over the weekend. Comparatively, it is still not has bad as I had it with Chris. But, it is getting close.

I can't say I am glad to see it show up - it still gives me no guarantee of a healthy baby. I had morning sickness pretty bad (similar to this) with m/c #3 in 3/06 (bad enough that the anesthesiologist gave me something in the IV line during the d&c so I would wake up without it). Obviously, the nausea didn't indicate a positive outcome...so, I am not sure what to think.

I figured, to ease my mind a bit - and document things for posterity, if this does prove to be a healthy PG in the end - I would list the milestones I have passed without incident (or, better put, the things I couldn't achieve in past m/c's):

I have made it past 4 weeks 1 day with a natural conception (my 1st m/c was technically a chemical conceived naturally...although my doc is counting it as m/c #1). I am somewhere between 6 weeks, 6 days and 7 weeks, 1 day now. This is way farther on a natural conception I have ever gotten...and only my second one at that.
As I indicated here, unlike the past 2 m/c's, my betas are much better this time - at least in doubling times (who's to say what DPO they really are...and I can't nickel and dime that now. They are still good either way.). So, at least the hormones are doing their thing the right way for a change.
I am between 6 weeks, 6 days and 7 weeks, 1 day today. No spotting. No cramping. Even after going out walking one mile a few times in the past 2 weeks. In m/c #2, I was bleeding at 27 DPO (or, about 5 weeks 1 day) and spotting often afterwards.

The big milestone to pass is tomorrow... The u/s:

In my last m/c in 3/06, I was only measuring 6 wks 4 days on u/s day - not the 7 wks 3 days it should have been.

If I can measure on-target tomorrow - between 7 weeks and 7 weeks, 2 days - and then measure on target again at the next u/s (whenever that is scheduled with the MFM clinic)... If we can finally see a heartbeat tomorrow, which I have not seen since my PG with Chris, then I think I can begin to feel a little more comfortable with the idea of this pregnancy.

There are so many hopes of mine riding on this surprise pregnancy...my therapist would have a field day with me if he was reading this!

I am so thankful and blessed to have this pregnancy result from no less than an Oops! That has always been my wish...to get knocked up the good 'ol fashioned way. And, now that it has happened, I am so afraid of this blessing being ripped away from me.
We finally have a real shot of making Chris an older brother...especially after him basically prompting me to test. I so want that for him. Now that we are a step closer, I am afraid of losing it...and him never knowing the closeness and understanding a sibling can bring.
We have only told a select few about this...although my boobs are getting a little difficult to hide now, and a few people are suspecting. I don't want to have to go back and un-tell the select few who know, like I have done two times over. And, I don't want those who suspect what is happening to also suspect what happened again.

I know tomorrow's u/s is only the first step of many. I have a long pregnancy ahead of me, if this pregnancy is deemed viable tomorrow: at last monthly u/s's, double the prenatal checks (and time off from work for them), check-in's with the endocrinologist, b/w, b/w, b/w - and, me being on maternity leave during both of the 2008 summer programs I run (not that I feel guilty about that one!). There is no guarantee this pregnancy is going to make it by looking at the first u/s alone...

...But, it puts us one step closer...one milestone closer to achieving the family I had always dreamed of having.

I so want this to work.

The last time I was in that u/s room, I was confirming my 3/06 miscarriage... Dr. D's u/s room at this new office has nothing but negative memories (all of Chris' u/s's were done at his old office). I am not sure how I am going to react being in that room tomorrow. It has been a long time...

Being Thankful

2007-10-18T10:54:00.000-04:00

For Val, thank you. Your comment, I think, is so very fitting right now...and just what I needed:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

I AM thankful:

I am 6wks 1 day today...no spotting, no cramping.
My betas are the best they have been in the past 4 pregnancies.
I am being treated appropriately for the MTHFR and hypothyroid.
And, this time, I feel a little more PG...like I did with Chris (minus a lot of the nausea)

I think, with all of these positives in front of me, I can begin to trust a little more...and pray a little more...that things will work out okay.

I can rest a little more easily until my u/s on Wednesday.

Thank you. You have put my mind at ease a little. :)

Thinking without "Hope's" and "If's"

2007-10-16T08:39:00.001-04:00

Back in early April, Zia and I had a play day in Westfield. Among the places we shopped, we went into was one of those "earthy" stores where they sell spiritual items. As you can tell, we have been in this store several times, where I have bought Oracle cards, incense, etc. I have even gone back with Hubby to purchase things for family too.

When we went in April, I bought a bracelet for "Miracles". Allegedly, you were to wear it and wear it, and when your miracle comes to pass, it will break.

So, I wore it every day from the second I bought it: through the summer programs (where I am assembling materials to distribute, take care of catering, etc.), in the pool at the IL's and ocean on vacation, cleaning on the weekends. Always...except while sleeping (I never sleep with jewelry on). Guess what happened on Friday...

That's right. It broke.

The cord had been fraying for a while...a couple of weeks, I guess. But, I never took it off.

I felt a snap in the cord before dinner Wednesday night...the night of our anniversary and the night we received the last beta number. But, I left it on.

It finally broke Friday afternoon sitting at my desk at work. Since it is on my right wrist, I guess I put too much pressure on it while using my mouse, and the beads started to come off. So, I grabbed an envelope and put all of the beads in it.

Hubby and I were trying to decide where to go for dinner for our anniversary throughout the week....before the snap in the cord. Since our anniversary was officially on a weeknight, and trying to get out for dinner with a toddler is almost impossible during the week, we opted to wait to celebrate until the weekend. I asked him if we could go into Westfield again for dinner - there is a great restaurant there that Zia introduced us too where we could eat, and we could go back to this store and see if I could get the beads re-strung.

We set out around 4:30 Saturday night to go to the store (meeting Zia and her hubbs around 5:30-ish for dinner at said restaurant - our anniversaries are days apart, and we decided to celebrate together). When we got there, we talked to the lady we usually talk to (we'll call her S). I explained what happened with wearing the bracelet, it breaking, the unexpected pregnancy, my huge fear of m/c'ing again... She advised that, although I could restring the bracelet if I really wanted to, the bracelet has given me the miracle I was looking for. I should just keep it as a part of my past - but, no longer wear it. I didn't need it anymore.

She suggested I buy this one instead and wear it every day of my pregnancy:

This bracelet is for "protection". And, that is what I really need right now, more than anything. So, I bought it and am wearing it as I type here.

S then mentioned to me how she noticed I was talking in terms of "hope's" and "if's" the entire time I was there.

For example, one of my summer programs was just scheduled for June 8-14th - the week I am due with this baby. When I spoke to my Center Administrator about it last week, I said to her "I haven't had the heart to tell F (my Director) that I may be out during that program."

Yeah, I may be out...if I don't miscarry this pregnancy.

S said I need to make myself talk in terms of "when's" and "will's". I need to be positive about this...make my desire for this pregnancy to hold on a high priority, and not accept the thought of another miscarriage happening. I have to stop statements using "I hope" and "If" because I am allowing fear, doubt and past history rule my wishes...my dreams.

Do you know how hard it is to not cry in the middle of a store, in front of staff, other customers and your hubby, when you are called out like that?

Very hard...and I didn't quite succeed in stopping the tears either.

She is right....I know that. I HAVE TO start thinking about this pregnancy in terms of "I will be bringing a child home in June;" "I will get to wear my green winter maternity coat again this year;" "Chris will be a big brother very soon;" "We will be a family of four, like I had always prayed for."

But, I just don't know how to do that.

How can I really think like that, having been knocked down three times already? How do I start changing how I think?? How do I start willing this pregnancy to stick, be healthy, bring a baby home in the end?

S suggested I buy this book:

Ask and It Is Given by Jerry Hicks and Esther Hicks:

As per Amazon:

"Ask and It Is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks, which presents the teachings of the nonphysical entity Abraham, will help you learn how to manifest your desires so that you’re living the joyous and fulfilling life you deserve.

As you read, you’ll come to understand how your relationships, health issues, finances, career concerns, and more are influenced by the Universal laws that govern your time/space reality—and you’ll discover powerful processes that will help you go with the positive flow of life. It’s your birthright to live a life filled with everything that is good—and this book will show you how to make it so in every way!"

Sounds like a little who-ey to me, but, I have to start somewhere, right? So, I bought it...and started reading it Sunday. I will see how it goes...

I just don't know how to wrap my head around being able to say "When we bring this baby home in June...." I feel like I am going to jinx myself into another miscarriage. The last time I started thinking positively about a pregnancy, I was being told the baby had passed the week before.

...I need to be prepared, as best I can, if there is no heartbeat next week.

But, at the same time, the guilt of not wishing, praying, pleading hard enough is there too. That was the hardest thing to reconcile with my last miscarriage....I was so guarded about it after the previous loss, that I felt guilty when I lost that angel because I just couldn't be happy...I couldn't allow myself to become attached, to pray.

...And, I felt like I couldn't love that angel enough to keep her with us... I was too afraid to.

I am afraid now.

This pregnancy is a miracle... I just wish I could allow myself to be happy, to think differently...

...To just accept this gift and enjoy it.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day: October 15th

2007-10-15T09:05:00.000-04:00

Reconciling my feelings and beliefs

2007-10-11T08:33:00.000-04:00

I have not been quiet about how I feel about my faith here on my blog... My relationship with God over the past two years has been, well, rather stormy - which, I suppose, is completely normal considering how things have been. It is not that I don't believe in God, or a divine being... But, the idea that the God I prayed to would rob me of three angels - babies that I took vows nine years ago to accept in to my life - was irreconcilable.

My faith had taken quite a downward spiral...

...At least, I think, until now.

I have created several posts on this blog about the church signs I see while on my way in to work, like: Quotes with meaning and Change is inevitable, Growth is optional.

The newest on to catch my eye was posted last week, on Wednesday as the trips for the betas began, was:

After the storm
comes the rainbow.

Rather a blatant sign, no? And, I don't mean sign as just a sign you pass on the road, but a sign as in God yelling out to me as loudly as he can:

"Hello? Are you paying attention?"

And, seeing that saying on the church board is not the only place I ran across it, in one form or another last week. I saw it in an e-mail from Di as she was going through the anniversary of losing her Leah; I was it in someone's siggy on FF, whom I have run across before and never saw the saying there before.

I felt like the Pavlovian dog, with God's saying being the reinforcer.

So, the sign got changed this morning...to this:

Let Jesus be a part
of that rainbow.

Now, I guess God can't be any clearer on what he's sending, right?

It has been a very long time since I went to mass...maybe since around Easter in April, 2006? But, we are going tonight, right after my counseling session, to give thanks to St. Gerard and to God for the blessing that appears to be holding on tightly. They have a Special Blessing of Expectant Mothers tonight, and I think it is very important I go. Not just because I find myself pregnant and can use all of the help I can get - but, because there is some kind of divine intervention going on here for me - between the psychic readings, Chris' prompt to test, the signs in this post - I owe it to God to say thank you...and to acknowledge that I am finally listening...

...Or, at least trying to.

There are many more hurdles to jump before I am comfortable with the idea of being pregnant again....and of bringing a baby home in June: The u/s on 10/24, making it past 9 weeks (the farthest I have been able to get since my pregnancy with Chris), just to name a few.

But, it is very hard to try to have faith - even with all of the positive signs being thrown at me - when you have been knocked down three times over. One minute, I want to look forward to buying new maternity clothes (specially from here) to compliment what I have saved from my pregnancy with Chris, digging out the toys Chris enjoyed so much as an infant, moving things around to make way for a new person in the house....and the next, I am sitting there thinking how I am no where out of the clear yet, how I am going to react to not seeing a heartbeat again on the u/s screen, how I am going to un-tell the very few people who know I am pregnant right now.

It is very hard to let go of the past...and allow myself to dream again.

I want to dream. I want to be happy. I want to be able to touch my tummy and say "Hi, I love you more than words can say" But, I don't remember how...and it is making it very hard for me to reconcile my feelings and beliefs.

I know I have to let things happen as they happen... Be grateful for each day I get to carry this baby, which came to us in a way I had so hoped for all of my life... To trust in God that he knows what he is doing, and he will provide what we can handle in time.

I just wish this were a little easier...

Happy 9th Anniversary, Hubby!

2007-10-10T13:54:00.001-04:00

...Looks like it is going to be a GOOD one!

Just got my third beta back...and I am more than ecstatic! I never had such a great third test...and I am very happy right now:

Beta #1 on 10/3 (approximately 14-16 DPO): 80

Beta #2 on 10/6 (approximately 17-19 DPO): 302
Doubling time: 37.57 hrs

Beta #3 on 10/9 (approximately 20-22 DPO): 1737
Doubling time: 28.53 hrs

When the nurse called with the numbers, I asked her to repeat it about 4 times...not believing the number she was giving me. I was just hoping for at least double the 302 - and we got more than that! So, she told me to play the lottery - and I am having Hubby go buy that ticket!

And, the child study team just called asking for the IEP meeting early on October 18th for Chris. We need to make it a little later in the day (Chris has his vision check at 9:45 am that day)...but, we are closer to placement/recommendations for him too.

So much has happened and changed in nine years...or, better than that, the twenty I have known Hubby. Both good and bad. And, today takes the cake on anniversary occurrences...

Oh, happy day! I may have to stay up late tonight. ;)

ETA:

Here are the graphs from the BabyMed web site, comparing beta #2 and #3:

If I was at/about 20 DPO for Beta #3:

If I was at/about 22 DPO for Beta #3:

Makes me happy. :)

The betas are in... (Updated at end)

2007-10-09T10:46:00.000-04:00

...And, I am just not sure they are good.

Beta #1 on 10/3 (approximately 14-16 DPO): 80
Beta #2 on 10/6 (approximately 17-19 DPO): 302
Doubling time: 37.57 hrs

So, the doubling time is perfect...if only I knew WHEN I actually ovulated. If I am closer to 16 DPO and 19 DPO respectively on the draws, the numbers themselves don't look as good. He said I don't need to come in for another beta since the numbers did double well.

But, I am not happy about that...based on previous history:

Betas for 11/05 m/c (blighted ovum, so there was just no chance for this pregnancy):

27 DPO: 4000
30 DPO: 5000 (doubling time: about 216 hours)

Betas for 3/06 m/c (the shocker m/c, since I had m/s with this one and felt things were going okay):

16 DPO: 123
21 DPO: 1630 (doubling time: about 30 hours)
24 DPO: 4295 (doubling time: about 96 hours)

You can see how the betas started to fall off...

...And, so, I am worried now about this pregnancy.

Especially if I am closer to 16 DPO and 19 DPO on the beta draws.

I have only had a few bouts of nausea here and there...my boobs hurt...I am gassy...I have heartburn at night after eating dinner...I am very hungry all of the time. But, I am just not that tired for about 5 weeks pregnant. I don't have the nausea I had with Chris.

I know I really shouldn't compare PG to PG to PG... I am taking different medications now than even when I had the m/c's, so symptoms could be different because of that. And, I know each pregnancy can be different.

But, I am not really sure this is going to stick...

...And, I am scared half to death right now, without knowledge of a third beta.

All I can do is wait for my prenatal appointment and u/s on 10/24.

I don't feel positive at all right now....and the 24th seems like forever away.

ETA:

If you look the graph created at the BabyMed web site, my numbers don't look so bad:

If I was at/about 14 DPO for Beta #1:

If I was at/about 16 DPO for Beta #1:

But, still, I think a third beta is in order. So, I am going to call the Lee (the nice nurse) at 1 pm when she comes in to ask if I could come in for one more beta (I already called back and was told she won't be in until after 1 pm, and my best chance at getting another beta drawn is with her).

I know there is no guarantees to this...but, at the same time, I need a little more reassurance so I don't go off the deep end with worry.

ETA #2:

Lee (the nice nurse) is humoring me and said to come in for the third beta. I love Lee... She has been there, KWIM? And, she knows I don't bull shit them. So, I will be heading out in less than 2 hours for the next beta.

Thanks, Lee. I owe you one!

While I am waiting for news...

2007-10-09T08:37:00.000-04:00

Well, while I am waiting for news on the betas (doc's office phones don't normally come off the service until 10 am...so no point in calling before then), I figured I would post about a couple of other things...

First, I wanted to thank DMarie for the IF awareness bracelet! It came in the mail a little over a week ago (and, honestly, I lost track of it) - it is LOVELY! Much nicer than I could have done myself. Funny thing is, I had DH put it on for me shortly after receiving it (of course, I am not that nimble to put it on myself)...and when he did, it kept coming off. The knot he created to hold it on just wouldn't stay. Now, of course, it could just be him - although, you would think a former Boy Scout might know how to knot things... I have to ask my mom to put it on me this week.

Back in September 2006, I wrote a post on Why do Butterflies follow me?

It seemed at that time that every walk I took was accompanied by Monarch butterflies, in a specific pattern of play each time (three playing together in one spot, two in another and then one by itself). For a while this year, I have not really seen the Monarch's - only those small white ones, and an occasional (and very beautiful) yellow Swallowtail.

The butterflies are finally back again, but not in the groups the once were. They have been in singles - every day - no matter if I am walking during lunch, or driving my car. Did you ever have a Monarch butterfly play dodge-ball with your windshield on a major highway? I never saw that before, until the last couple of weeks... It is unnerving, thinking you are killing something with your car. But, looking back in my rear-view mirror, the butterflies are just fine, flying happily along.

...It feels as if someone or something is sending a message.

Sunday morning, we took Chris to a street fair a few towns over - met up with my friend K from college (since her DH is a fireman in town and would be with the truck at the fair). We spent about two hours there, and then left for Chris to take his nap. Hubby put Chris down for his nap - I went to the supermarket to pick up some things. When I got home, I put everything away and headed out to the back yard to pick the last of the tomatoes that are coming in the garden.

As I was going through what is left of the garden, I started hearing this strange buzzing, kind of like a Cicada. I looked over, and there was what I thought was two Monarchs mating in the breeze. Now, of course I don't know how butterflies mate...

I turned back to my tomato picking, and I looked over again to where the butterflies were and saw they had landed under a metal chair....and there was a freakin' cat ready to pounce on them! I went screaming at the cat, scaring it off so it wouldn't get at the butterflies.

When I looked again at the butterflies, it turns out they were not two butterflies mating - but one with a badly broken wing.

So, I call my MIL and ask her what I should do - I couldn't just leave the poor thing to be cat-chow to one of at least eight outdoor cats my neighbor's "adopted" and I find sleeping (err, peeing and ruining) in my garden on a daily basis.

Let me add the caveat that I am NOT a cat hater - I am allergic to some (specifically long-haired cats), so to a certain extent, I can't be around them. I adore Zia's cat (Buddy - or, Buddy-Bud-Bud), and had one in my house in college (before the allergy started). What I have the problem with is the neighbors allowing two female cats to have several litters of kittens between them under their back porch - then they feed them, but do not feel they need to spay/neuter them, get them their shots, etc., etc. So, they run rampant, ruining my garden, my MIL's garden and more.

Anyways, getting back to the real story here, my MIL goes on Google and finds out that you can trim a butterfly's wings (not more than 30% of each wing) to remove the injured part and even out both sets of wings to allow it to fly again. She prints out what she found and walked around to my house, while I collected the injured butterfly in a container (adding in a few marigolds so it could eat) and awaited her to get there.

While I was waiting for my MIL to arrive, I saw another Monarch come over...and wondered if I should just release the one I had to it's friend. But, I felt there was just no way this injured butterfly could survive - it could barely fly above the surface of the grass. So, I held on to it.

As per the instructions she found, we put the butterfly in the refrigerator for about 5 minutes to slow its metabolism a little bit, take it out of the refrigerator and bring it outside so we could see where the injury was - the entire top of the left wing was hanging off, as if it had been previously attacked by something with claws (AKA, a cat). So, we trimmed that part off, so the top white spots were no long there - and then put the two wings together and trimmed off the other wing to make the two wings even (the instructions stressed that the wings HAD to be as close to even as possible to create the best ballast for the butterfly to adjust to).

We put it back in the container, to see if the wings were even enough (and so Chris could see it up close - he woke up in the middle of the butterfly drama, and I thought it might be a good learning experience for him) - when we did that, it flew a little bit to the front of our neighbor's house and landed on the Creeping Myrtle. It sat there for a while, flapping its wings, but not attempting to fly. My MIL picked it up again so we could look at it, and we noticed the wings were not totally even. We had to trim the good wing a little more. After doing that, my MIL had it on her finger....and it flew off, perfectly, to the tree across the street. I think it needed to get over the chill from the refrigerator, and get adjusted to its new wing span.

We sat on our front stairs, watching it fly as if it gained a new life. It was actually so fulfilling, helping out a little creature - especially one that has been very dear to me for a while now - who needed a little protection.

Thanks, Google, for allowing us to help it not be cat-chow.

I saved the part of the wing we had to trim off to help it...kind of a reminder of the miracles that surround us every day, and to give me a little bit of hope that maybe this PG might work out.

Here's hoping for some good news over the next few hours....

Freakin Columbus Day...

2007-10-08T16:08:00.000-04:00

...is preventing me from getting my beta numbers.

Humphh!

I have been trying to call the doc's office since 1 pm to find out what the beta's were (as per Dr. D, who, on Wednesday, said to call around noon today) - and I kept getting either a busy signal or the answering service. By 3:15, I couldn't get through - so, Hubby took a ride (since he's "unemployed" at the moment - although doing per diem work for the firm that just had to let him go) up there, and found out they are closed today.

What doctor's office really takes off for Columbus Day?

I mean, really?

So, now I wait to get the results tomorrow...and make the trek out in the afternoon for beta #3. I need some reassurances here that things are going okay...and POAS is just not doing it.

Damn Columbus Day.

I don't think I am ready for this

2007-10-03T10:51:00.000-04:00

Saturday night, Hubby and I were getting Chris ready for bed. Bath was done, pajamas were on. We were all snug on our bed with his binky, his drink and his book.

Out of the blue - mid-story - he says to us "baby sister".

Hubby and I stopped and looked at each other, not sure what to say or think. The words had absolutely nothing to do with the book we were reading... And, any time you ask him if he ever wanted a baby sister or baby brother, he always - always - answers "baby brother."

We paused reading and asked him if he wanted a baby sister or baby brother. She then immediately answered "baby brother" like he always does.

So ,we let the comment pass because, quite frankly, we didn't know where it came from. We finished the book, he finished his drink and it was time for sleep.

...But, those two words just wouldn't leave me Saturday night. They made no sense...

Although, I think he knew what he was saying.

So, Sunday morning, I decided what the hell. I will do a HPT. I had them left over from the summer (I did throw out the OPK's because I was no longer going to chart because of the stress it was causing...and with Chris' diagnosis, we still had not made any decision on whether to continue on the TTC road or not), so it wasn't like I was spending unnecessary money on them:

As you can see, three days worth of tests (or four if you count the digital one I did this morning that I have not taken a pic of yet - and, yes, I did go out and buy two additional boxes of HPTs on Monday to get the tests on 10/1, 10/2 and 10/3!) make it pretty clear what has happened...

...With no meds.

...No ultrasounds.

...No IUI.

...No OPKs.

...No charting.

I am scared.

This is always what I had hoped and wished for - to get pregnant, the old fashioned way. Now that it is here, I am having a very hard time with the reality of those positive HPTs I am starting at.

I keep thinking, if I look again at them - all stored in a box in the bathroom - the lines and the "pregnants" are going to disappear. They are not going to be there. It was all a dream or wacky sense of reality.

And, I am very scared.

This is not what I was expecting to happen right now...although, maybe the $20 spent at the Boardwalk psychics' wasn't a waste after all?? I should have really listened to them?? And living life again without the stress of TTC actually did prove to be the best advice I could have ever listened too??

Uh, I am rather scared.

So, I am already going in for my first of three betas today...at what I think is 14 DPO (not 100% sure of that since I was not charting steadily or to detect an ovulation). My Levoxyl is upped in dosage as of this morning (I called my endocrinologist yesterday with the news). I am coming off Lexapro - again, and quickly. My first prenatal appointment - my scheduled annual now changed in diagnosis code - is on October 24th. Dr. D's office is lining up the MFM stuff.

And, I am scared as hell.

Chris is not placed in an appropriate program yet - hell, we haven't even gotten close to IEP yet! I need to make sure he is in the right placement - and soon - for his best possible chance succeeding in his life.

We still have to contemplate moving, based on what happens with Chris' progress - and we have so many things yet to fix up in our house.

Hubby just found out he has to look for a new job again (his new job in July decided he didn't have enough experience for the position - after telling him he was doing a great job and had such potential at the firm just a few weeks ago)...so now he is hooking back with his previous boss for a while - with the lousy commute - until he can find something new.

Our new associate director is stirring up trouble again (more on that later - although University Human Resources told her yesterday in a meeting with my Director that if she is not happy with her job, she should look for a new one!).

And, I am scared beyond words.

Hubby knows about this... My Director and Center Administrator know (so I can get the time for the betas - they are thrilled and praying for us). One friend will know tonight when I call her.

No one else knows yet...not even the grandparents. And I feel like a heel for not telling at least the grandparents. I really need the support right now - but, I am so afraid of having to un-tell everyone.

Again.

I am too scared to let this news out.

To scared that this will be another false alarm.

To scared that my ovulation - whenever it was - was not good enough.

To scared to hope that these tests will result in, finally, a sibling for Chris.

To scared to allow myself to dream and be happy about this.

Thank goodness I go for counseling next week! What a shocker this news will be to my therapist!

I am trying so hard to be positive about this very big surprise - and wrap my head around the fact that maybe this was just meant to be (although I am extremely hesitant to even write that out, even here on my own blog).

I am emotionally numb...and every twinge, ache, and feel of any CM (normal CM!) makes me fear the worst possible outcome...and prompts a run for the bathroom, waiting to see something on the TP. And, it has only been 4 days of knowing.

How I have been robbed of the joy I felt when I found out I was PG with Chris... The blissful ignorance that nothing could go wrong.

I wish I could have that back...and enjoy the sight of a positive pregnancy test.

Update on Chris' evaluations

2007-09-28T09:12:00.000-04:00

Well, Chris' child study team evaluations are finally done - one more step to go (the child study team observing Chris in his nursery school setting this coming Wednesday) before the IEP is finally formed and we begin to review it.

Finally, some progress!

Chris has the child study team evaluation done of Tuesday. In sum, they requested that he have a occupational and P/T done (which happened yesterday) because 1) we had some concerns about some things he does (like how he walks up stairs) and 2) they were afraid that with their findings alone, he might not qualify for services.

Not what we were expecting after weeks of delays and frustrations.

We were told that he is very advanced IQ wise (he was identifying several words on a page and saying what they were; counting above 22; identifying all shapes, colors, etc.). The psychologist said she needed to add the numbers up because he was just getting things correct left and right (and answering quickly). But, he was showing deficits in language that we have been seeing at home (not in vocabulary, but in receptive-expressive language, although there is major improvement from the neurologist and speech evals in August). Of course, he did minimal hand-flapping for them (figures!) - but, was covering his ears at several points. The ear covering is very new (in the past 2-3 weeks) - and we are not sure if that is a noise sensitivity or a "I don't want to listen" sensitivity. They gave us flash cards to use with Chris that shows how actions work (like putting a hot dog on a stick, heating the hot dog over a fire, then eating it) to help him, since that seems to be the primary speech deficit area.

The occupational and P/T eval done yesterday also showed very borderline for needing services - basically, he cannot cut with scissors, string beads, button buttons, open a Tylenol-like bottle...but, I never thought a three year old should be doing that stuff anyway! I don't recall learning how to use scissors until I was in kindergarten. And, quite frankly, I am not sure I want him knowing how to open bottles like that yet! It was really up to us on whether an occupational and P/T recommendation got in to the report - and, I told them to add it. He is a total of 6 months behind for his age - which is something he could easily catch up on with just increasing our home time of them. But, I would rather see things addressed now, instead of using a "wait and see" attitude. I was given recommendations to help - mainly, bring him to as many parks as possible to play and to use some simple which I copied for the grandmas'.

Oh, and we did find out how much Chris LOVES trampolines!

We're in trouble with that one!

He does need some help - but, it does not appear to be that much...at least, that is what the child study team is letting on.

We took him to a new speech therapist on Tuesday - she is much closer and also specializes in autism-spectrum disorders (she works at a specialized school that ranges from K-12). She knows what he needs (how to categorize actions and how to help him play with others in a more "natural" fashion - right now, he seems to have "rehearsed" ways of communicating). He really liked her - and so do I! She actually answered on question we could not find an answer on: What do we do with Chris' hand flapping? She suggested that not to stop it completely, but try to get him to modify it to something more socially appropriate (which he is doing already - flapping with his hands at his sides, more out of view) - and, once he gets that idea of adaption, then we can begin to get rid of it completely through speech. Since he has already made one modification naturally on his own, he is getting the idea - and using his speech more.

So, this should be a good fit for him.

Now, the child study team wants to observe him in his nursery school setting to see how he responds in class and with the other kids, especially because his teacher there has noted a marked improvement over last spring. So, that will take place this Wednesday.

After that, we hope to have the recommendations and an idea of placement and IEP.

I am just hoping that part of the process goes a little smoother than the first. If not, we have a friend who is an attorney who specializes in education - who knows the background of all of the delays and is willing to help us out.

And, why were we pushing for an eval for Christopher??

2007-09-24T14:49:00.000-04:00

Sunday morning:

Chris: "Take the drink out of your ear." (If you watch the Wonder Pets, you will get the reference)

FIL: "Take the drink out of your ear."

Chris: "Uh, what'd you say?"

Today:

Mom: "Chris, I made your noodles for lunch. After that, we will have dessert."

Chris: "Oh. the suspense is killing me!"

....And, why exactly have we been pushing for the Child Study Team evaluations, finally set for tomorrow morning??? They are going to think WE have a screw loose!

Wish us luck tomorrow... Tomorrow morning's eval will determine the program he will be in.

I will be back to finish the vacation posts...and a great post about our Day Out with Thomas trip over the weekend...

My, my, my....how 20 years flies!

2007-09-18T14:46:00.000-04:00

Well... I met my hubby 20 years ago today...

My, my, my.... How 20 years flies!

I can't believe we have known each other for that long...and I owe it all to my friend, C (yes, I know I still owe you a phone call...and a package! It will be out this week).

In keeping with Mel's (Stirrup Queens) Happiness Challenge: Here is how we met (documenting something that led to Chris):

C and I met on the school bus, I believe, the third day of school (she believed I was a senior, and I believed she was a senior - too funny we thought the same thing!) and she talked me in to going to the Freshman Welcome Dance. I was not planning on going - I willingly decided to attend an all-girls Catholic high school because I hated boys at that time (when guys don't know what developing boobs are supposed to be when you are 12 years old, you get made fun of - A LOT!), and guys were not on my priority list. But, she asked me to go - and I decided, what the hey! I might as well have some fun.

We met at the high school that Friday night (I am very sure it was a Friday night - who remembers 20 years ago anyway???) and C brought a friend who did not attend the school. We danced and talked for a while, the school gym smelling of Aqua Net holding up all of the hair, the school gym blaring the liked of Janet Jackson, Madonna, Human League, Bananarama, The Bangles, and so on, and the guys we thought were cute or hot scoping out the pickin's of an all-girls Catholic high school...

And, I was in the outfit I bought for the dance: A white miniskirt and white matching shirt (quarter-length sleeves, sweat-suit material, since it was WAY IN for 1987) - the white shirt had a silver/black leopard print on it (and shoulder pads too!). I got the outfit from Mandee's - the "hip local for clothes here in NJ in the '80's. Did I mention the green eye shadow too boot (very Human League-esqe)? Of course, I had my jelly bracelets and as big hair as I could get for someone who has thin blond hair!

C noticed this guy (J) towards the middle of the night - she HAAAAAAAD to meet him and dance with him! We watched him for a little bit... C just couldn't go up to him herself - we, being so mature at the time, needed our "representative" to do the job - so, she asked if I would go up to him and ask him to dance at the next slow dance...

...Almost all meetings had to be done during a slow dance...

So, since this WASN'T for me, I agreed and went up to him and asked him. I explained my mission, showed him who she was - he, being rather happy at being scoped out, fluffed himself up and agreed --- if, that is, I and our other companion would dance with his two friend.

...And, then I thought, of brother! What did I get myself in to!

But, I agreed and I went back with the message that yes, he would dance with her at the next slow dance.

We waited...

And then Survivor's "The Search is Over" began...

Then the armada of J and his two friends arrived.

C and J went off to dance - and that left me, C's friend who I didn't really know, Hubby and J2 standing there like a bunch of dorks. Finally, after a few awkward moments, Hubby grabbed my hand and asked if I want to dance. I said sure - he was much cuter than J2 (and more talented in the dancing department as well) - and we went off.

From there, Hubby bought me a soda, showed me pics of his cousins (then 6 and 4 - NOW 26 and 24... YIKES!), talked. The talk was rather easy - especially for one who was rather turned off by guys at the time. We danced and talked some more.

....Then, I made the BIG confession...

...Told him what I didn't want him to see...

Horrors! I wore glasses!

Of course, he could care less - especially because I could actually SEE him with my glasses on. Actually, looking back at that, I am surprised I didn't scare him off with that move. But, we danced and talked some more.

At the end of the night, Hubby gave me his phone number - and, me being the traditionalist I can be, told him that I would prefer he call me (DORK!) and gave him my phone number. I said goodnight to C, Hubby walked me to my parents' car, introduced himself to my parents, patted me on my shoulder (double DORK!) and said he would call me.

...And, the rest is history.

So, in honor of him (and the nice flowers he sent to me today - pics are coming) - here is a special song we dedicated to each other at our wedding almost 9 years ago... It sums up our relationship - and how we are truly happy to be stuck with each other.

Stuck with You

Huey Lewis and the News

We've had some fun, and yes weve had our ups and downs
Been down that rocky road, but here we are, still around
We thought about someone else, but neither one took the bait
We thought about breaking up, but now we know its much too late
We are bound by all the rest
Like the same phone number
All the same friends
And the same address

Yes, its true, (yes its true) I am happy to be stuck with you
Yes, its true, (yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
cause I can see, (I can see) that youre happy to be stuck with me

We've had our doubts, we never took them seriously
And weve had our ins and outs, but thats the way its supposed to be
We thought about giving up, but we could never stay away
Thought about breaking up, but now we know its much too late
And its no great mystery
If we change our minds
Eventually, its back to you and me

Yes, its true, (yes its true) I am happy to be stuck with you
Yes, its true, (yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
cause I can see, (I can see) that youre happy to be stuck with me

We are bound by all the rest
Like the same phone number
All the same friends
And the same address

Yes, its true, (yes its true) I am happy to be stuck with you
Yes, its true, (yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
cause I can see, (I can see) that youre happy to be stuck with me
(yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
Im happy to be stuck with you
Happy to be stuck with you.

Have had it up to here with incompetance!

2007-09-18T12:20:00.000-04:00

You know, we have been working so, so hard to get the things Chris needs for his PDD-NOS diagnosis, I feel like we are just banging our heads against the wall - and no one is listening.

I have just about had it.

When we returned from vacation, Hubby called the CST on 9/10 to find out what the hell was going on - from the post Our progress with getting Chris into the correct program, we all know our town is in violation of state law for getting this process done. We thought we were making progress - we had our initial meeting with the CST on 9/13. We went over our concerns, what eval tools would be used, what kind of program we were looking for, inclusion for Chris with peers, etc., etc. It seemed we were all on the same page - and we were told that Chris would be the first child evaluated, and it would be either 9/18 or 9/25.

Then, we heard nothing about 9/18...

And, our town is not closed for Rosh Hashanah...

So, Hubby called again yesterday - and the eval date then turned into either or about 9/25, 10/2 or a little later in the month of October.

Uh, excuse me???

So, I told him to call them back and ask why??? I told him that 1) NO WAY is this eval going past 9/25 - why are we waiting after their fuck-up; 2) I want to know WHY the date got pushed back and 3) make it clear to them that if something doesn't happen soon and if Chris has to wait until January to be placed, there will be legal action.

Their response?

Well, they are in the middle of moving their offices (which, I would have LOVED to have seen any signs of that since I saw no boxes packed or things down from cubicles when we were there last week) and some budget issues with the state.

Know what???

NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM!!!

So, I am waiting for a call back from the Interim Director of the CSTs in our town - if I get no response this afternoon, I am going above her head, and so on.

This is just ridiculous - and Chris is the one waiting for services. I can't believe what a mess this is turning into.

Chris started private speech therapy last week - and, although he is doing well in it, I am rather concerned about the place and the therapist. Apparently, they have a neurologist in the practice now - and her group is making LOTS of noise, right through his therapy session. My MIL called me earlier to say how unpleased she was about it because the therapist said he was distracted by the noise.

Uh, wouldn't you be too? Without PDD-NOS???

So, my MIL is going to sit in on the session Thursday - and, if it just as bad, I will be calling the therapist while looking for a new place.

The good thing is - Chris' hearing is 100% fine. We had the test done on Thursday, which he was not really pleased with. What a test THAT was!

Is it really, really that hard to do a freakin eval??? Really?

Hubby is calling a friend of his - who we forgot was an education attorney. We're going to see what he says to do now...

UPDATE: The CST finally called and we are a go for Chris' eval on 9/25 - finally!

Vacation Chapter 1. Psychic Watch 2007: A "surprise" in store for 2008

2007-09-12T11:07:00.001-04:00

Back in September 2006, I posted my first vacation chapter about the visit to the Boardwalk psychic. Well, since we were at the shore - and, at what other time am I going to waste $10 to do this - I had to go back to the boardwalk psychic.

To recap my 2006 reading, psychic #1 (Diana - I am distinguishing here because, well, I wasted another $10 later down the boardwalk to talk to psychic #2, Christine. Sorry, I wanted two opinions here!) mentioned several family things outside of children: long marriage, issues I needed to help my mom with, etc. She then went on to ask me "You have had several pregnancies, right?" I responded yes. She asked, "Several were not successful?" I responded yes. She asked, "How many living children do you have?" I responded 1, out of 4 pregnancies. She then said, "You are meant to have 3 living children. Don't give up, as you have the best care you can get."

At that point, she never mentioned a time frame - just that I would have three living children. Obviously that has not happened...

...at least not yet.

Hubby and I went out to dinner on Friday night, September 7th while my IL's took Chris to an ice cream parlor where they do a musical show as you eat. So, we had a lovely seafood dinner at one of the popular spots in the area and then headed to the boardwalk to walk around like we used to prior to having Chris. Of course, Hubby knew I wanted to get another reading done - as did he. So, Diana was the first stop.

I went in first. The reading started as it did the last time - she took my hands and begins to examine them, front, back, front, back... The first words out of her mouth is that I have a nice, long life-line - and a long life ahead of me. I would also be married a very long time, happily, to the same man.

So, that's good for stability for me - and consistency for her.

She then went on to say that my husband, however, had some "troubles." He has - but nothing too terrible. So, I mentioned that he just started a new job and is trying to sort some things out financially for us. She said, okay, but that was not what she meant. She said that we had some tension between us - not anything wrong with our marriage, but stress from the events of the past couple of years that has been taking a toll on us. She said we are moving past that now, and that happiness is coming.

The big thing is she sees another child or children in our future (she vacillated between 1-2 more children for us) - very future. She said that I needed to stop trying - needed to stop asking for doctor's intervention, or asking for any intervention at all. She said I will be calling her around November to say she was right - I will be pregnant after a happy 'oops' event. She felt so strongly, she gave me her card and told me to call her when it happens...

...Now, of course, this could be the carrot to get me to spend more $$$ at her winter digs NW of where we live. But, I suppose, if it happens, I will give her the call she said I would be making.

Hubby decided to go in after me - about 10 minutes later. She said very similar things to him - and more - in his session (he paid a little more $$$ for more than a standard palm reading). So, at least she agrees among our readings.

Then again, she could have figured out we were together. She was sitting outside watching for people walk by...and could have seen us walking together.

Anywho, after the reading, we compared notes while we walked down the boardwalk, trying to decide what we wanted to do next. We headed in to Luck Leo's to "gamble" for points. After a little while, we got board and walked the boardwalk again...

...And then came to the next psychic's storefront (uh, there are three on this particular boardwalk). I told Hubby I wanted to do another reading - this time with the Christine (I am fond of the name - could you guess?).

So, I went in and she was standing in the doorway of the storefront, as if she were just waiting for me to come in. It was weird - unlike Diana, who was just sitting there waiting for a patron. It felt like she just knew I was coming in.

Her reading started like Diana's - she took my hands and begins to examine them, front, back, front, back... I guess this is part is the same with all psychics.

First, she asked how long I was with my partner. So, I asked her did she want years of marriage or years together. She said she wanted years together. So, I mentioned we would know each other twenty years this month. She, too, said I have a nice, long life-line - and a long life ahead of me. And, she said based on how long we have been together, Hubby and I would also be married a very long time, happily. I was kinda "stuck" with him. She laughed at that.

She, too, mentioned the tensions between us - again, not anything wrong with our marriage, but stress from the past couple of years that has been taking a toll. However, she sent on to specify that I needed to start keeping things to myself - that, in sharing how I felt to "all of the world," that I was being talked about and in a round-about way, sabotaged. She then went on to specifically mention that I needed to stop sharing so much of myself with my IL's - really, my MIL. Not that she is a bad person or using the information in the wrong way, but she does talk to other family and to my husband - and that she butts her 2 cents in too much. She felt that if I filtered what I told her and kept some things more private, life would be a little less stressful for me.

Now, I know she does talk - based on how she talks about everyone else. Again, it is not really in a malicious way, but just to put her 2 cents in. So, I know Christine is right on that.

She also mentioned that things regarding an immediate family issue would be resolved in about 2 weeks of the reading she was doing. When she said that, I immediately thought of the evals we are trying to get done for Chris and getting him placed in the right program.

** The ironic thing from this is that 1) Chris had a great first speech therapy session yesterday - the therapist told my MIL she wanted to know where the child in the eval went because he was so greatly improved in a month without therapy and 2) We have made a lot of progress this week with the child study team in town (we meet with them tomorrow) and other private services we have inquired about in two days of being home from vacation. We seem to have a good handle on what is going on for Chris and hope we will know what he will be going into over the next two weeks.

She said I had a rough summer at work - and that I handled myself gracefully and everyone knows the truth of what happened. But, I need to learn to stand up for myself and stop being everyone's go-to person - i.e., I have to stop allowing myself to be used. I need to get my confidence back in my work and learn to say "no" to things.

Also, she mentioned that financially, we have been working to really get things stabilized for a better future. She said that would happen around February 2008 - and that there would most likely be property transaction in the mix.

She said an unexpected trip in November is going to be taken. No mention of where or how far. But, I'm up for almost anything to get out of work!

And, she said that 2008 and 2009 are going to be very happy years - the sorrows of 2005-2007 are all in the past now, where they need to be, and things are lining up nicely for a happy family and financial future.

Last, but certainly not least, she mentioned the issue of children.

She said that she saw four pregnancies - and asked how many children I actually had. I told her I had one child - and three miscarriages after him. She told me that she sees me very, VERY pregnant come this spring. She specifically sees one boy (Chris) and one girl (the child I would be pregnant with in the spring) - I was meant to have two children: no more, no less. She was so matter of fact about it, I felt like she was reading it in a history textbook.

She, too, said that I needed to stop trying to conceive - I needed to stop asking for doctor's intervention, stop trying to monitor my cycles, stop adding stress on myself to make the timing perfect and allow this to happen when it should. I wouldn't need any help - I will be pregnant all on my very own.

I need to stop trying - and start living and let this happen.

That is one of my biggest wishes in this world - to get PG all on my very own. To prove that my body is capable of doing what it should.

When the reading ended, I gave her my $10 and she wished me the best of luck. She hoped that

I walked out to meet Hubby. He asked me if I thought she was right on her reading - but he didn't even give me a chance to tell him what she said. I told him, yes, I did think she could be right. She, after all, agreed with and elaborated on things Diana mentioned earlier in the night.

So, he decided he would go in too (of course, not just for a palm reading but an aura reading - SUCKER!!!). About twenty minutes later, he came out absolutely astonished. He never spoke except to say what reading he wanted and to pay her - she told him all about me (details about my m/c's I just never shared with her - I only told her I had three total) and how my sorrow had ruled me for so long. She told him about how well our futures looked - both family wise and career-wise. She told him how the things he has been working toward will finally pay off - as long as he doesn't lose confidence in himself.

She basically agreed with three other readings in the same night - and then some.

Of course, again, she could have figured out we were together. But, I am very, very sure she didn't see us together - and there were a few people waiting to see her that night, which made it hard to tell who was with who.

Do I believe what two psychics are agreeing on? That I might get PG on my own, without trying? That, if I stop planning - which is how I spent my entire TTC life, including when TTC Chris - the right time, around events in my life, that this might happen finally?

I don't know. I don't think I can live my life fully based on $20 worth of storefront psychic readings.

But, they are right that I need to start living and stop planning - which is really soooo my nature.

So, maybe - just maybe - they could be on to something.

For now, I am going to take these "insights" - that two independent women agree on - and use some of it for positives in my life. I am going to live for a while, focusing on Chris and the things I am interested in; I am going to stop charting completely (I threw out my left over OPK's this morning) and only chart periods; I will re-evaluate the whole TTC thing in the new year, once we know Chris is progressing well; I will stop focusing on the fact that I will be 35 in January and that it is not the TTC time-bomb I keep making myself believe it is.

Maybe - just maybe - living my life happily will bring what I am supposed to have into my life...

...Our lives.

Happiness Challenge 1: Chris' birth story

2007-09-10T10:50:00.000-04:00

Here is my first post, in honor of Mel's (Stirrup Queens) Happiness Challenge: Chris' birth story.

I wanted to post some of the special memories I have from when Chris was a infant/baby so that, should we never have another child, I can always have somewhere to go to remember such a special - and truly happy and joyful - time.

Unlike my past pregnancies, my pregnancy with Chris was completely and utterly uneventful. I had a few momentary times where I had some brown spotting - usually associated with too much activity or growth of my belly. But, everything was fine - and Chris was very active, which was always a comfort.

My only "complication" at the time was the fibroid I have at the top of my uterus: As my very healthy pregnancy progressed, my fibroid grew larger. Dr. D always reminded me at check-ups that I was at risk for pre-term labor and/or for a c-section, since fibroids can sometimes impede labor (i.e., uneven contractions that would not produce enough force to push the baby out). So, Dr. D finally decided I needed to leave work early: the hospital was over an hour from my job and he didn't want me that far away if I went into labor early. So, my last day of work was April 2, 2007. However, pulling me out of work early ended up being a huge joke because I ended up being a week late! I had a check-up with Dr. D around April 26th - at that appointment, my blood pressure was a little high. Not alarmingly high, but higher than what was recorded the entire pregnancy. So, he decided that, if I did not go into labor by my due date of April 29th, that I would be induced the following Tuesday (his surgery day) - unless, of course, I went into labor before then.

Of course, I didn't.

Night after night, Hubby and I would sit in the living room, or on my bed, talking to Chris - asking him to finally make his appearance on his own. But, he would just wiggle and move in response - kind of like his first F-U to his parents.

I had no contractions in my pregnancy - not even Braxton-Hicks contractions. And, prior to induction, at most I was a 1/2 cm dilated. So, when I say nothing was happening to start labor - nothing was happening.

Chris, or as we called him Elvis at the time, didn't want to leave the building.

On Monday, May 3rd, we calmly left our house with bags in tow and relatively little family fanfare, and I was admitted to the hospital at 8:00 pm to start the induction. The goal was to get me from one-quarter cm dilated to four cm. A fetal monitor was strapped to my stomach, the IV was started and I had a balloon catheter inserted laced with Cervidil at 9:00 pm. Then, the wait began until the 4:30 am check to see how far along I was.

Since I was not in active labor yet, I was not in Labor & Delivery - I was in a shared room in the maternity ward with another patient of Dr. D's, also being induced because of Preeclampsia. My husband was not allowed to stay with me overnight - I was not told that until after the dilation process began. I was very upset, as was he, since no one told us. I really could have used him too. So, he stayed in the family lounge in case I needed him - and he made sure the nurses knew where he was so he could be found. When he left, he gave me our favorite Beanie puppies for support while he couldn’t be there.

Those were the longest seven and a half hours of my life! I was not able to have an epidural, as that "would slow down the progress" – I was only given two Tylenol. Taking Tylenol - which I requested around 1 am - was completely futile. The very beginning of the process wasn't too bad - some cramping and some bleeding for about the first hour or so. I could have slept through that, but I chose not too since Hubby was still there. However, after Hubby left, the pain started to get bad - the only way to describe it was that I was having very strong, half hour contractions with about a 1-minute rest in between. I was holding on the bed rails all night long, trying to do my breathing I learned in my birth class!

I say trying, of course, because I had in the room with me the Hyperventilating Queen of 2004! The girl in the room with me - who barely said hello when we came in - could not handle the process at all. At the start of every contraction, she began to cry, yell for the nurses, and hyperventilate. The nurses were constantly coming in during the night to try to calm her down, get her to breath, etc., etc. She was sooooo, soooo distracting to me - every time I tried to start breathing, she would start her flailing, getting me distracted and uncomfortable.

I felt bad for her - to a point. I was going through the same thing too, after all.

By 2 am, I was wide awake, feeling like I had to use the bathroom every twenty minutes or so - which meant disconnecting me from the fetal monitor, rolling in my IV pole with me and nothing happening except for the bleeding I was seeing. I would roll myself back, hook myself back up and try to get comfortable... Then the hyperventilating from the other side of the curtain would start again, I would get uncomfortable and need to move.

I did get chastised by the nurses for constantly disconnecting the monitor to use the bathroom - but, how could I not move with the pain and the drama on the other side of the room?

I also got chastised for laying on my right side - every time I laid on my right side, there would be a dip in the monitor. So, the bulk of the night was spent on my left side - which, whomever said that that laying on your left side during pregnancy is more comfortable is full of shit!

As the 4:30 am dilation check approached, I felt like I was about to puke because I was so worn down without sleep and the pain of the contractions were just getting to be too much.

In retrospect, I probably could have slept a bit during the night if 1) Hubby had been there and 2) I was not in a shared room with the Hyperventilating Queen. But, alas, that was not meant to be.

BTW, I did find out from Dr. D at my 6 week post-delivery check-up that the girl in the room with me ended up having a c-section. She never made it past 2 cm's - and, she got so bad, she wouldn't let anyone touch her and she wanted them to stop labor. Um, not likely, honey. Her husband finally convinced her to let them do the emergency c-section - which happened right before Chris was born.

Finally, for me at 4:30 am on May 4^th, I was examined - at which time the balloon catheter fell right out and I had achieved 4 cm! I was immediately brought to Labor and Delivery (YEAH!!! Private room!), where I finally received an epidural and the beginning of the Pitocin drip.

The anesthesiologist had a little trouble getting my epidural in - not because he didn't know what he was doing, but because I am just too damned ticklish! Every time he touched my lower back, I would squirm! So, it took Hubby and two nurses to hold me in place so that when he touched the area to insert the epi, I wouldn't move. I guess that means getting a tattoo in that area will be out for me!

Once the epidural took hold, from about 5:00 am, I was very comfortable...certainly as compared to the previous night. I was able to finally sleep and rest up. I would watch a little TV, nap, talk, nap, watch TV, nap...and so on, and so on. I still had to lay on my left side - but, since I couldn't feel my legs at all, it really didn't matter all that much.

Our labor nurse was wonderful! Great personality - and very responsive. Technically, I was only allowed two people in the room: my husband/coach and one other person. I opted to only have Hubby with me since I didn't want my MIL offended if I had my mom in the room the entire time. However, our nurse did an end-run for us and, with the open pass, my parents and in-laws kept rotating shifts staying with us. It was great to have them all there at different points - especially the grandmas, since everything was so high-tech as compared to when they had their children.

Dr. D stopped in from time to time after 9 am when he could - somehow, he got slammed with 7 deliveries that day when he was only supposed to have me as an induction and one other scheduled c-section. So, he had to rely on the interns a bit more for me - which was fine, since they were all very nice and competent. He would joke with Hubby because he was hoping to have ordered pizza and have the two of them eat it in front of me the entire day - nice guy, huh?

As 12:15 pm approached, Dr. D came in again and found I was at ten cm dilated! All of the parental visiting was halted and at 12:45 pm, I started pushing. Due to short staffing with all of the deliveries that day, my husband ended up being a brace for me as well as a coach as I pushed. Even with turning down the epidural, I still could not feel when contractions were starting - so, we had to rely on the monitors to see when one was starting, and begin from there.

It took less than a half hour to finally bring Christopher Kenneth into the world – he was born at 1:13 pm (during Days of Our Lives, which I was watching in between pushing) at a healthy 7 lbs. 13 oz. and twenty-one and a half inches long!

Dr. D held him up and announced "It's a BOY!!!" I saw him ever so briefly in the air until he was whisked away to the pediatric area of the room - I was not told why at the time and felt like a stranded island for a while. Everyone left me to turn to him - and of course, I started freaking out. I was finally told, after screaming my head off, that he was okay. He apparently had a lot of fluid to be suctioned out that did not get pushed out through the birth process.

Just as Dr. D turned back to me after making sure Chris was okay, the placenta was delivered. He looked like a football player about to fumble the ball because it happened so fast - but, he made a good catch. Everything looked great - the placenta was completely intact and healthy.

Finally, I was able to hold my son. I was absolutely taken with the little man I was holding. He was perfect - pink, full head of dark hear, eyes wide open and looking around, eyes of sky blue. He was beautiful - and mine. He cried for a little bit, but when I spoke to him, crying with joy, he stopped crying and looked up at me. He just knew my voice from the second I spoke, as if to say "There you are!"

Hubby and I actually did not have a name specifically picked out for a boy - we were fully prepared for a girl: Elena Maria. But, for a boy, we had several names bantering around, but nothing specific. And, when we held Chris, none of those early names fit him at all. Christopher just came to us in an instant - he looked like a Christopher, and since he was our special gift, that had to be his name.

A little while later, my parents and in-laws came in to meet Christopher – their smiles and tears were all I needed to know that Christopher was already loved. Chris was passed around from grandparent to grandparent - even my father, who never held any of his grandchildren until they could sit up, held Chris for a while and spoke to him.

Chris was finally brought up to the nursery to get cleaned up and diapered and checked - I was transferred to a fully private room that became available (and was sooooo welcomed!). Of course, we had to pay $200 per night for the private room - the hospital is still not up to snuff on all private rooms in maternity - but it was my Mother's Day present for 2004. After about two hours, and my meal, Chris was brought in for a while - until it was circumcision time. Dr. D did the procedure that evening - and of course he came in afterwards to tell us Chris did really well and it was the "best job" he has ever done. Good for Chris when he is married some day - bad for us knowing the details!

Chris spent so much time during the day in that room while we were there - along with the visitors who came in during the day and evening. We had a few first-time parent mishaps, of course: Changing his diaper too soon to have him only need to be changed again a few minutes later, not swaddling him correctly, etc. But, he was alert and happy - and HUNGARY! It was rather relaxing...especially because Hubby was able to stay with me overnight.

This was the most amazing experience of our lives! And, I would gladly go through it again, if I could. For that moment in time, I was perfectly and utterly happy.

I'm baaaaaack!!

2007-09-10T10:09:00.000-04:00

Vacation 2007 is over...too quickly, of course. It seemed to me that, once I finally was able to really relax, we were a day away from heading home. Crappy-crap. Oh well... At least I had the time off...and I didn't come back to an e-mail disaster this year!

It was a nice vacation, though. Much time spent with Chris - lounging, at the beach, or playing. What more could I ask for at this point on vacation, right?

So, I will get to posting the stories this week:

1. Psychic Watch 2007: A "surprise" in store for 2008

2. Have you seen my "Lou"?

3. Chris' BIG (and I mean BIG) Crush.

4. Various pics from vacation (beach, boardwalk, aquarium - as soon as I get them from my MIL!)

5. The In-Law snafu (AKA Hubby got no nookie)

6. The eBay Hack of Vacation 2007

7. The rather scary plans for Vacation 2008 (AKA I think I'd rather be working)

Until then, I hope to post the first in the Happiness Challenge stories between today and tomorrow: Chris' birth story.

What is MY happiness...and where did it go?

2007-09-01T07:44:00.000-04:00

Mel over at Stirrup Queens is at it again....with her Happiness Challenge.

...You know, Mel, you are going to single-handedly get me fired one of these days with the ideas you come up with. :)

Anyways....

Mel posed the question of What is happiness? As in, what is your definition of happiness?

Well, honestly, I just don't know anymore. My idea of what happiness should have been for me - happy family, two children, being a stay-at-home mom, not having to worry about the bills, blah, blah, blah - has been blown out of the water and I am not really sure what is left yet.

...I am still trying to re-assemble the pieces...

...Again...

Like I mentioned in my post Illusions of Normalcy, my childhood ideas of where my life would be now are completely different than what the reality is....

...I suppose, though, we can all say that, can't we? Very few of us can say our lives are where we wanted them to be, right?

But, I don't think what I have wanted since I was a child was that much to ask for. It's not like I wanted millions of dollars, roses in my bedroom 24/7, maids and cooks to wait on me hand and foot, million-dollar parties with the finest silks and china in the world.

I wanted two children, and a little more time with them as they grew up.

That being said, what is happiness for me?

Not being on the verge of tears all of the time might be a really start.
(*** Insert sarcasm here ***)

Seriously, the only real, real joy I have right now is Chris...and my family as it stands now.

To that end, my ritual once a week is going to be two-fold:

I am going to create a post once a week that details specific memories I have with Chris that I want to preserve for the long-haul, so I never forget them. I will start with his birth story during the course of this week.
I am going to set aside time every Saturday or Sunday to do something special with Chris - only him and me - that does not involve chores or every-day things. Like, a special trip to the ice cream shop, or a quiet walk in the park.

I will see you all in a week.... We are heading to the Jersey Shore today and I plan to be out of internet contact the entire time! I need some time to think about things - and enjoy my time without thinking about work, TTC, and everything else.

Our progress with getting Chris into the correct program

2007-08-30T14:45:00.000-04:00

This road of PDD-NOS has been already a bumpy one - not necessarily for Chris, but for us trying to get him the help he needs now.

We obviously have the diagnosis - and now have the actual report from the doctor. It was actually quite positive overall, with one or two things we don't agree with (but, we are not fighting it either because really, it was what he did at the time in the "sterile" setting). She feels that, with the right program now, he may very well not need any services by age 5. That was good to see in print - that we were not imagining she said it.

We also now have a speech and language evaluation - we had that done privately on 8/17. Overall, it too was a positive report. We know what we have to work on (expressive and receptive language, which spills over into his ability to carry on a conversation well) and have their recommendations for how many sessions a week would be appropriate (3 individual sessions in-school, 1 session in-school with another child for reinforcement, and 2 sessions with the speech center). He starts his sessions on 9/11 when we return from vacation, with the recommendation of continuing therapy for about a year (at which time they will reevaluate because they don't feel he will need more than that). Until then, the evaluator gave us some useful things to do at home with him, which we are ALL doing - and Chris is actually responding well to the changes.

Chris goes for a hearing test on 9/13 - his first one. Yipes!

We have inquired about private services with a disabilities center through the University I work for (have a phone conference with them on 9/11), with the Lovass Institute (we are setting up an in-home eval now), and another university near us - all centers provide home-based sessions for children, and parent training so we know what we are doing.

The nursery school teacher Chris had in the spring will be helping us as well in-class until we can get him into an appropriate program for the long term - we just have to provide her with a letter, signed by us, stating what she can and can't do (basically, allowing her to turn his chin toward her if he choses not to respond to her verbally). So, at least, until we get him into the right program, someone is willing to help on the "school level."

We have read so much, inquired so much through contacts of contacts - we have more to do, but feel we that, thus far, we are doing something. He is trying to say more, is visibly trying to stop himself from hand flapping a lot of the time already, and in the instances of certain toys that really provoke the behavior, those are now removed until we re-introduce them later to try again. He is trying to engage other kids at the playground now, instead of just watching them play, or him "inspecting" the playground.

So, all of the positives we were able to get done in two weeks now leads us to the school system...

....The severely fucked up school system....

Guess what????

Take a good guess????

...No, they didn't lose the paperwork we completed on July 9th. Thank goodness for that since we were never FURNISHED with that, after several requests for it (my bad for not asking in person - I always ask for stuff like that!).

...They forgot to enter him into the system!!!

You know what that means???

We could have had most if not all of the evaluation process done by now!

Hubby found that out yesterday when he called like a raving lunatic. The lady on the phone found the paperwork - and also found it was never entered, stated that she very well knows they are in violation of State law now (we should have been contacted within 20 calendar days of 7/9 to begin the eval process....it's more like almost 60 now!), and is going to "expedite things."

Damn right, they are!

So, I faxed over this morning a 15-page fax with a three page cover letter stating all WE have done on our own so far (and what the child study team has not), what evaluations we had, what programs we have already looked at, a request for all forms to be faxed to us, for a list of all of the programs available be faxed to us for our review and a demand that his evaluation be done ASAP. We even said that we will come back from vacation to get these evaluations done and we wanted a very specific answer by tomorrow.

Hubby was going to call this afternoon to roll heads again (it does pay to be married to an attorney from time to time....especially when he can twist things to get a better response than I can), just to make sure his file is not collecting dust.

What a headache! I was already nervous about Chris being in this school system - now I am terrified. I can't believe that we have to hold their hands through this - when they do it all of the time.

To say we are disgusted already with the town's educational system is putting it mildly.

Keep your fingers crossed this part finally gets off the ground... I do not want to see him having to wait until January to get into a school-based, integrative program!

Just when we think we have all our ducks in a row...

2007-08-30T08:59:00.001-04:00

....Everything shifts.

Yep, that was the quote for today's Women Who Do Too Much calendar.

....And, ain't it the truth in my world. Humphh.

Well, I'll post later today about where we stand with helping Chris work through and overcome his issues... We have found some very wonderful people to help us - and have also hit some major stalls in the process too (AKA - our school districted fucked up BIG TIME!!). It has been a bumpy ride already.

Seeing things with eyes wide open

2007-08-27T16:11:00.000-04:00

So, I've come to a decision over this past weekend...and it has taken into account several things. It has been a decision that has come with much sorrow, many tears, and still some lingering doubts. But, it is a decision I should have probably made this time last year, when I didn't want to realize that my body probably just doesn't want to do this TTC/pregnancy thing anymore.

...I have decided to get rid of all of the baby stuff that has accumulated in our house over the past three years - clothes, toys, stuffies, bottles. All of the things that Chris doesn't use anymore or is just too big for now, and would only be used if there was another infant in the house.

Along with the baby stuff, I have also decided to get rid of all of my maternity clothing.

I am going to ask Hubby's aunt, who works at a major hospital in a very urban city five minutes away from us, about how to donate it all. I was going to try to sell it - but, eBay is jam packed with toys that won't sell, the second hand place near us wants you to sell items on consignment (and she doesn't always contact you when something sells - which means she makes all of the profit), and I am just not up for having a garage sale (I think I would end up crying too much through it at this point). So, I figure there are families out there who are really down on their luck, and who need these things now...especially the clothing. So, I might as well get rid of it that way.

I just want all of it out of my house now. They are reminders of what is probably never going to happen for us now...at least not that I can see.

There are several reasons, very logical and probably, in the end, time saving as well.

First off, we have absolutely NO ROOM to move in our basement and attic. It is full of storage tubs of clothing, toys and other accumulated crap that belongs to neither Chris or I. We want to finish the attic when we return from vacation (it is so large, we can make two bedrooms out of it - we are going to opt for one bedroom and a half bath at this point). Finishing the attic will add value to the house, and help us organize our life a bit. How would we work with all of that stuff up there?

Secondly, moving to a town with a much better school system will probably be a must, so it is just easier to have the crap streamlined now. Hubby is the ultimate pack-rat - if I don't do this now, we will be moving it all in less than two years! So, if I can address it now, then there would be less to move - and less to pay to move. To his credit, Hubby has been selling stuff on eBay - like his wrestling figures, light sabers, hats, guitars he never plays, etc. ...the things that just sit there and do nothing but collect dust. So, some cash is coming in that we can nest away...but he has sooooo much more to go (like a basement and attic-full at his parent's house as well)! It is overwhelming to me.

Third, and probably most importantly, I just don't think my body can handle TTC and pregnancy now. I really, really don't. So why keep these reminders in the house? They are doing nothing but taking up space and collecting dust...and until I know they are gone, they are always there to remind me what I have lost and probably won't get to experience again.

My endocrinologist called and left me a message yesterday - my thyroid b/w from Friday is just perfect. So, how I have been feeling - tired, exhausted, achy, cold - is probably all stress...

...and anxiety.

Ah, the "A" word again... What I had hoped would be an easy fix with an upped dosage of Levoxyl is not. So, that of course means I am going to have to bite the bullet and transition back onto Lexapro. I can't live feeling like this...but being on Lexapro means no TTC. However, I need to be "with it" right now for Chris, and I am not. So I already called Dr. McC about going back on it. He should be calling tonight. I don't think I need the dose I was on previously - but something to help me get back to a semblance of normal.

I finally did get my period last Thursday - Spotting for one week, very light/kinda spotty on Wednesday, then heavy for two days on Thursday and Friday, then light for two days, now nothing. Not quite normal for me - which means either stress is to blame, or I might really have to worry about scarring since thyroid is not the issue. So, I will be calling Dr. D to discuss checking on that as well today. Not that I will be TTC...at least not anytime soon. But, it would be nice not to have to deal with this as well.

I feel like such a quitter. But do I have a choice really? Every time we come close to starting a cycle, the door gets slammed in our faces...or really, MY face.

Hubby has been so supportive on this - and is willing to do what is best for me. His line of thinking is that, if I changed my mind later this year or a year or so down the line and want to try again, we can always borrow the things I want to give away or buy it new as a fresh start. I am not holding out my hopes for that, but at least there is a back-up plan.

I have been thinking back to two things I said around the time I was PG with Chris - and they really haunt me now...

When I was about 5-6 weeks PG with Chris, my nausea was kicking into super-high-gear - I couldn't move without feeling like I was going to puke (which, ironically, I only dry-heaved twice the entire time...). We were trying to get out of the house to spend a few days with my IL's at the shore, since they rented a very small place for the week. I remember sitting on the bed, afraid to move because I felt like I was going to get sick - and saying to Hubby "I don't think I could ever do this again..."

Then, when I was at my six-week check up after Chris was born, I remember joking to Dr. D that I never gave him a run for his money when I was PG - even Chris' birth was scheduled since I wasn't going into labor on my own. And now, if I were to actually get PG again, it would not be the "easy road" I had with Chris.

....Talk about two comments that were a foreshadowing of what we are going through now. I wish I could take those comments back...

Maybe it is too soon to make these decisions...but I can't help but believe that these are the best moves for right now and for the future.

We are leaving for vacation on Saturday...so I have a week to really think about this. But, I think there will be a major clean-out starting in our house when we return on the 8th. I just hope that whomever gets the items we are giving away really enjoys them as much as we did.

I am just so disappointed...and sad that I can't seem to give Chris a sibling to grow up with. I just don't see it happening now.

Illusions of normalcy

2007-08-20T12:57:00.000-04:00

Someone from a buddy group of mine sent me a really sweet e-mail over the weekend (besides the comments posted here - thank you all for your kind words) that really affected me - but not in the way I think she had hoped it would:

"I just wanted to say that I really admire the way you are handling the situation. I'm sure it's not easy, but so many parents fall apart or go into some sort of denial that their child has any sort of problem."

You see, I have a much better facade than most people think...

I rarely fall apart in public. Or, to family and friends. Or, to the Hubby. Although, as my boss has mentioned to me, my body language is usually what rats me out eventually...

I choose to suffer in private most of the time - which is what probably triggered the anxiety issues of the past. I don't like to cast my sorrows, fears, anxieties onto anyone else...although I am not afraid to have anyone cast theirs on me.

Guess I have learned martyrdom or stoic-ness well.

I know, logically, Chris' prognosis with PDD-NOS will be good. He is very smart, very affectionate, very willing to interact with others and be a normal little boy. He just needs some help to stop the behaviors that make him "different" and to help him to verbally express himself (which will, in turn, also help him to stop the behaviors that make him "different"). The doctor herself feels that, with the right services now, he will do extremely well.

...And, I know that we have a great support system. Everyone wants to learn what will be his new routines (although someone in particular in that mix needs a blow to the head every once and a while as a reminder that she doesn't know it all). Everyone wants to help beat the challenges he faces.

...And, I also know that eventually he will have the right services to address his needs. I just need the right combination of persistence and patience.

But, the problem is for me right now, besides getting Chris into the programs that he needs to be in, is the impact this diagnosis is going to make on the things that I WANTED for my life.

Very selfish...isn't it??

But, you see, from when I was a little girl, all I ever, EVER wanted out of my life - more than my education, more than my health, more than the things I could acquire in my lifetime - was to have a great marriage, a loving family, to have to two or three children to make my family "complete" and to be able to stay at home with those children and raise them myself.

I do have a great marriage - to a kind man who is willing to put up with my moods and irrational moments, and to support me when I need it most. I can even forgive the pigsty he would have no problem living in, if I weren't on his butt to clean up all of the time.

And, I do have a loving family - especially a son who means more than everything to me. Chris is the best thing in my life - which is driving me so much to get him in the right place, with the right services.

But...

But...

I have already had to sacrifice not being home with Chris. I had to work because of the second mortgage we have hanging over our heads - AKA, Hubby's law school loans (for a career that, quite frankly, he never wanted - it was his parents...er, his mother's...prodding for that). And, I had to work because Hubby just wasn't making enough to cover our expenses (i.e., credit card bills he accumulated in said law school that he hated). And, we needed the insurance coverage - of course, now more than ever.

But...

But...

Now I am getting hit with the fact that, in addition to being cheated out of my time home with Chris - MY chance to be the full time mother, caregiver, educator, boo-boo healer - I probably will never have another living child nor will I get the time at home with any child.

That really, really hurts.

With the real prospect of having to move to a better town with a much better school district vs. the original plan to put Chris in catholic school and stay where we are for a while (until we could save to move), that just about kills any idea of another child... I just don't see how we can afford another child now.

Besides, my chances are not that good as it is, with all of the medical crap I have going on.

And, Chris' health has to be our first priority.

I am trying not to host a pity-party - that won't help Chris in any way. But, the thought of him being an only AND me never having had the time with him at home except for the 2 months of maternity leave when he was a new born just burns a huge, gaping hole in my heart.

I am so, so glad that my mom and my MIL have had time with Chris - that is time they can always cherish, and build a great relationship on as Chris gets older. But, I just feel like I am a part-time parent. I get visitation rights on evenings, weekends and holidays. And, when I have him, there are other things that have to get done too - cook, clean, upkeep the house that we have to upkeep more to try to sell.

...All the while, Chris asks me to "Sit right here!"

That request to play and be happy with him rings in my ears every day. I don't always just get to sit and play. I have laundry to do, dishes to wash, floors to vacuum....things that I could be doing as he naps during the week days when I could have been home.

I know there are women who thrive on the challenge of it all - being a full time mom and a full time professional. I am glad that they can balance it all - and be happy. But, I can't. I don't. I would much rather be neck-deep in sand with Chris or vacuuming while he naps than having to arrange things for people who are going to bitch no matter how well you do it.

You know, I just feel like my God - the one I CHOSE to follow when I was 16 years old, back when I thought things were "hard" with my parents not getting along and school being challenging - really, really let me down. I have prayed so hard - not for monetary things, but for health, for another child, for time with Chris, for Chris' happiness and health, for a good marriage, for patience to let things come to us when they should and in God's time - so hard until my knees were red and numb.

Did he answer? No, not that I can really see that well right now.

Maybe I am expecting too much. Or, my prayers are misdirected in some way. Or, I just lost my faith completely now...thinking it was back when the Gods of Lexapro were in the house.

But, when I took my marriage vows almost nine years ago, I promised so many things - including and especially accepting children from God. Did I do something wrong? I am here, waiting - hands waving high enough, clenched so hard they are turning red - for those children God asked us to accept into our hearts to come.

For some reason, I am passed over. And, as I an passed over, Chris gets whacked with challenges he now has to face at such a young and innocent age, and three other children got called back too soon...were not given a chance to be here with us.

Is it too much to ask for one more child to love? To care for? To want to do anything for?

I mean, I knew friends in college who went home with a guy - every weekend after a party, and not necessarily the same guy. They didn't care about their grades. Didn't care about themselves, their dignity or self-worth. They partied hardy, and lived life on the edge. But, they now have at least two children - no problems getting pregnant, no problems staying pregnant. I knew people who got into all kinds of trouble - alcohol, whatever - and they had no problems having children, even down to the ones that the "didn't want." Even my own sister and brother have 6 children among them - and they were the ones who got into all of the trouble when we were young. Did I not whore around enough? Do I not have enough garbage in my background to now teach my children by example now? Do I not have enough lessons to teach?

Or, is it the other end of the spectrum? Was I not virtuous enough like the Dugger's to be able to give birth like bunnies and have a pack of children? Should I have not used curse words at all? Should I have not had a beer in college? Should I have not given the finger to the guy who almost took the front of my car off with Chris in the car? Should I have given more to the Salvation Army collection at Christmas time?

Yes, I am angry. And frustrated. And disappointed. This is NOT where I wanted my life to be - or Chris' life either - right here and right now.

What did I do wrong?

At the very least, God could have answered one prayer and left Chris alone - kept him perfectly happy and healthy. Why does he have to face these challenges now?

Why couldn't God have allowed me to protect the one precious, living child I was able to have?

It just doesn't seem fair.

Maybe, as Chris gets into the appropriate services, and he begins to improve, I will feel a little bit better about things. Come back to reality a bit more. Think a little more clearly and logically. There are so many things left unanswered right now because we are still waiting for the township's child study team to start their evaluation...all of my worries and upsets and anxieties are based on the things we don't know yet.

But, for right now, I am bitter and angry - not just because of the things that I feel robbed of, but because I couldn't shield Chris from this. I feel like I let him down. I couldn't protect the only living child I have from something that could affect his entire lifetime.

I feel like I have failed terribly at my vocation in this life.

Re-evaluating current priorities (Updated)

2007-08-14T14:17:00.000-04:00

Well, I am going to have to re-evaluate my current priorities on TTC... I think at this point, Chris needs my undivided attention now more than ever. This means, of course, that I am probably going to have to put off TTC again (and, no, I have not heard back from Dr. D's office yet **UPDATED BELOW** - I am aggravated, but it is not high on my check-list today).

First off, I can honestly say our pediatrician really, REALLY let us down, and we are very unhappy. Hubby and I are very much in agreement that we will be finding a new one soon (certainly before he needs to go for his next check up at 4 years old). We have for the past year been concerned about his speech (not being able to express himself clearly) and some behaviors he has been displaying (hand-flapping or jumping when excited, not always responding when he is addressed) - every time we brought it up with the pediatrician, we were told to wait - it was probably nothing and he would catch up. They (it is a practice of two) assured us it was not Autism or autism-like disorder since he was very affectionate and was not regressing in speech (just a little behind).

So, we waited - we enrolled him in that nursery school program in February - he improved, but not to the point at what he should be doing verbally for 3 years old.

We went against their recommendations of waiting again in May at his 3 year check up and scheduled the neurological evaluation (we at least got the referral for a neurological eval back in May!). His appointment was this morning - which was a loooong time from May, but the earliest appointment we could get.

Chris was officially diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified this morning. It is an Autism Spectrum disorder, but the doctor told us it is not Autism or Asperger's specific.

The doctor was very positive about his potential - his gross/fine motor skills are very age-appropriate, he has not regressed in any way verbally, he is affectionate, smart, curious, funny, knows his shapes/letters/numbers/colors, happy. We just have to work on getting his speech in line with his age and teach him the appropriate venues for expressing himself. She feels that if we can really work on addressing this now and fast, that he may very well fall out of the diagnosis by the time he his 5 years old.

We are glad, so GLAD, someone has finally listened to us - and given us the path to helping him and helping him now. It is very frustrating when you know your child is a smart, good child but there is something holding him back and no one is willing to help.

So, when I got in to work today, my afternoon has been spent setting up his hearing test (for 9/10 - and, no, our pediatrician NEVER told us he should have one by age 3 anyway!), trying to see if the Child Study Team in our town's Board of Education could move along his eval (we registered him in early July and of course, they can't move up his eval, so we have to wait until mid-September for that - which delays us in getting him in to any specialized program), calling other centers suggested by the neurologist to at least address his speech until we can get him through the district, calling in personal favors (i.e., my boss' wife who knows the director of a particular speech center at another local university) to help fast track other avenues of help, and research the ABA recommendations so we can at the very least work with him on our own better than how we have been this past year.

So, I think it may be in Chris' best interest if we wait again to TTC for now - just a couple more months, until we get him in the right programs to help him on his way. We are setting up so many appointments now for him anyway, I am just not sure there is time to even TRY the monitoring for an IUI. Hubby and I still have to talk about that tonight...there wasn't time this morning since we both had to get in to work.

I will call Dr. D, though, tomorrow - today is surgery day (he is rarely in on surgery Tuesday) and since I got no phone call back yesterday, it is pretty clear Liz did NOT talk to him yet. So, I will call around 10 am tomorrow morning (when Lee, the good nurse, usually is the only one answering phones) and see what I can get.

I am not sure I can justify TTC right now with Chris just starting out on his path to a better future...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UPDATE: Lee (the nice nurse) called me back a few minutes ago. Dr. D had suggested just starting Clomid and doing an u/s in a week to see where things were. I told her that I really wasn't comfortable with that plan - I would personally like to see a new cycle start and try to verify that no scarring has developed from the d&e/d&c's done. She mentioned that sometimes he does let patients go about a month past the last Provera pill to see if something will start - but, she said to call in a week (and ask for her - yeah!) if I still don't have my period. We will then go from there.

I am okay with that, for now, since Chris has to be our first priority right now - and I told her that. So, it is an update and a temporary answer...we'll see if anything happens over the next week.

Waiting on what to do

2007-08-13T11:32:00.000-04:00

Waiting again...

*tapping foot*

I am 12 days past my last Provera pill... Still no period.

This is not right - at least for me, anyway.

*tapping foot*

Took another HPT, and the striking white of the test area is pretty clear that there is no pregnancy to speak of.

...of course, you kinda need the ovulation for that, and the lack of a strong test line proved pretty clear too that there was no ovulation on my own this cycle.

** tapping foot fast**

So, I called Dr. D's office this morning - of course, I got Liz (my not-so-favorite nurse) on the phone and told her what was going on: No PG, no ovulation, no period 12 days out of Provera (although I did have 2 days of very light spotting last week). I also mentioned that my periods over all the last few cycles have been lighter for me. Hell, my last period started with two days of not-quite-spotting but not-quite-period-bleeding!

WTF??

Liz's response was: Wasn't I supposed to come in for a TTC consult with Dr. D since we hadn't met since November 2006?

Apparently, she's working on a way-outdated newspaper... When I spoke to Lee (the faboo nurse and the one I trust since she has been there since I started going to Dr. D many years ago) in June, Dr. D's message was that when AF came, we would just start the Clomid/IUI cycle. So, I politely brought her up to speed on that one.

So, she took everything down (rather annoyed in tone, may I add - I am NOT happy about that one...then again, I am working on what should be my period hormones...) and told me she would call me back after she spoke to Dr. D today.

I know I am going to get the "you shouldn't have taken the Provera without my approval" speech - but, who knew I wouldn't get my period? Besides, I tested several times anyway to make sure I wasn't PG before I started it - I took the appropriate precautions there that I would have been told to do anyway.

So, where is my period?

I have a theory (thanks, Dr. Google for this one) - actually, I have a few. But, the most I am worried about (other than the current stress I am trying to swim through, or the possibility that my thyroid may be acting up again, or the possibility that maybe I stored the Provera wrong in the first place and it just wasn't as effective as it should be) is that I may have developed Asherman's Syndrome.

I really, really love Dr. Google for allaying my fears and anxiety...

Honestly, I have put my uterus through a work-out over the past three years: one live birth, one natural early m/c, one d&e for a m/c that wouldn't start followed up by one d&c less than 6 months later because I couldn't live with waiting for another m/c to start. And, the fact that I have cramping often (even without a period pending), that my periods seem to be lighter than they have been in the past, and my period has not shown up after Provera (which has NEVER happened), I am starting to really worry...

So, I am waiting to see what Dr. D has to say.

...and my cell phone will be glued to me until I hear back from him...

I have not had an HSG since 6/03 - maybe it is time to take a look in there and see what the heck is going on.

I am so tired of thinking in terms of worst-case-scenario... But, that seems to be how life has been the past 18 months of TTC again.

Murphy's law strikes again.

Damn it...all I want is one more child. Why do I keep hitting these roadblocks? Every time I feel like things are in place to try again, another detour pops up without warning.

...Maybe I should just start taking the hint and call this journey over.

Damn it.

So freakin frustrated...

2007-08-10T10:26:00.000-04:00

Where the hell is my period??? It has been 8 - count it EIGHT - days since I finished the Provera, and I had two whopping days of minimal spotting.

WTF???

I have never, EVER had this happen? What the heck am I supposed to do now? I have taken a few HPT's just to make sure I didn't make a huge mistake - all of them were negative. So, I know I am not PG. Kinda need to ovulate for that, which didn't happen.

I am so bloated out the wazzuu, I am crampy, I am moody... And, nothing.

Nothing.

If I don't have anything by Monday, I am going to call Dr. D. This is just ridiculous.

All I want to do is get this cycle STARTED, and here I am sitting, waiting, again.

This is really pissing me off.

Uh, like I need this BS right now!

2007-08-04T08:41:00.000-04:00

...Be prepared! This is a LOOOOOONG post!

So, I have mentioned a few times now how my work load has been off the charts, and how I can't keep up at work and that it is trickling down into my personal life because I am just exhausted when I get home (which translates into early bedtime for me and minimal communication with the people I care about).

Remember my magic wand???

...Apparently it is malfunctioning - BIG TIME!

Okay, okay... Let me start from the beginning...

I have been having a hard time at work lately (nothing new really since the more work I do here, the more work I get to do, and so on and so on.). It's been visible to a few people. How could it not? But, up until Thursday, no one really asked me to talk about it - which is fine, because I usually don't talk until I am ready. My Director (we'll call him "F" for now since he is references in the e-mails I am about to post) knows that, my Center Administrator knows that.

CrazyS (which is what I will call our new Associate Director - she started on June 1st with a less than stellar response from all of us on our staff here...I'll explain more in a bit) does not know that...and has now blown this current situation - and other things completely unrelated to me (which makes me feel a bit better - at least I know it is NOT me with the issue) - out of proportion and out of proportion via e-mail no less.

Real, real classy!

Let me back-track to the issues that started coming up... In a nut-shell:

She wants everything spoon-fed to her instead of being resourceful and attempting to find things on her own. Not really going to work around here since ALL of us are overloaded. We all are able to find most things on our own on other people's machines - that is why Microsoft created FILESHARING!'
She keeps asking for things that have been sent to her already - several times. And, then, she tries to make it look like YOU were the one who dropped the ball. It's as if she only reads e-mails that are "important" to her. And, I don't think she pays attention to the fact that I CC myself on EVERYTHING as a back-up! I KNOW when I sent something, damn it!
Her e-mails about what she wants are in no way clear, nor are they kind most of the time (probably demanding is a better word). For example, here are some things she has sent me (hopefully you can see what I mean after extracting snippets of various e-mails):

"Here is the Epi Report with F's changes. Some formatting needs to be done again. It's almost done. Please print a copy for me and I will read it one last time for typos and then you can enter it."
**Notice NO reference to exactly WHAT formatting needs to be changed - or even if I am the one who needs to do it? And, the report cannot be entered until F sees it one more time - she can't make that decision to just enter it.

"I will make a directory on my computer called NSF-BioMath as soon as I
get in. We can still use Brenda's former directory system as a

repository, but I would prefer to work in my shared directory."
** Not going to work since my director wants all of the reports in one place - so that it is easier for me to work on them with 3 different associate directors. She agreed already in person with myself and the other 2 associate directors that she would not work from her machine - she would work from the main report repository.

"I'll take that document and discuss it with F briefly and only
then let's make the email lists and send out messages and all that."
** Say what? ONLY THEN?? That's a little rude.

She spent more time this week bitching that the hotel vans were late (uh, hello? Did you realize there is RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC) than worrying about our main speaker almost passing out during his talks from low bloodsugar because he chose not to eat breakfast.
She opted NOT to work on a report that was due 7/31 until the weekend before - even though I had it ready for her as she ASKED by the end of June. So, it then became an emergency for ME to get in at the last second so the NSF didn't slap us on the wrist for being late.

There is more to the list...it's ever growing.

She spent the bulk of the day Thursday telling me that the program was running "perfectly." It was a "huge success." PUHLEEEEZZE! It has been running just fine - I know that - I've run the freakin program for NINE YEARS now. I don't need her "reassuring" me like I am 2 years old. I know when things are going right or wrong. I just need her out of my office this week so I could somehow catch up on some of the work that has been piling up on my desk. She just wouldn't get the casual hints.

So, she took it upon herself after to talk to my Director Thursday because "I looked upset"...and then came into my office and closed the door so we could "talk." Quite frankly, I have been in such a bad mood for a couple of weeks now - so many deadlines to meet, not enough time to do them, too many stupid questions from people who should be smarter (book-wise anyway) than me - that I have been on the verge of either lashing out at someone (which I didn't want to do - I am better than that) or cry myself into a puddle of blubber. So, I said to her that I needed to talk to our Director, which I would do eventually when there was time, and I would talk to her later - saying in passing that I have a lot of work to do, needed to talk to him about how to prioritize things, and that there were some things at home bothering me, and I just didn't feel up to talking.

i.e. There is some personal things that she is just NOT privy to! I am NOT going to tell her that we are TTC again after three miscarriages. I am not going to tell her we are concerned with Chris' speech and his upcoming evaluation. These are things that are overlapping with the workload that only F and my Center Admin are privy to!

Apparently my hint didn't work... She marched right back into my director's office and met with him again.

So, I get this e-mail early yesterday morning:

"Hi T (me),

Hope you are feeling better after your discussion with F yesterday.

This morning I made the mistake of checking my email before leaving and there were so many emails, some disturbing, I couldn't get out on time. I'm afraid I won't get there in time to open the conference. I'll do my best, but most likely you'll have to do the honors. I hope you don't mind. I have an extremely tight schedule and I really try to avoid getting distracted, but sometimes it just happens.

Thanks,
S"

So, I responded to her saying it was no big deal if she was late - I could handle it, which I did. No problems.

But, I did not respond to the "Hope you are feeling better after your discussion with F yesterday" comment. That is NOT professional to say in an e-mail unless you were out sick the day before.

Then, I received THIS second e-mail yesterday morning from her, around 11:30 am (and, no, she was not here yet):

"T,

I'm sending you the message F sent me. I'm deeply dissapointed that you didn't share this with me before complaining to F. I've done everything possible to make things easier for you. I'm working hard just like you. Whenever you cannot or will not do something I simply say "okay." We've never exchanged one cross word. When you are upset I try to reassure you that everything is going well.

I'm sending you brief emails with itemized lists because you asked me to do that. You didn't want me coming to your office and trying to discuss things with you. There's only so much you can communicate over emails.

You never said a word to me and then to turn around and complain about me to the boss, just isn't right. I never would have complained about you to anyone without letting you know first and giving you a chance to fix things.

You and F are having a problem with your workload - you said this to me many times. It's not right to involve me in your conflict like this.

If F misunderstood then it is up to you to explain that to him. If I don't hear from F that he misunderstood the email I sent you, then I'll assume you complained about me behind my back.

S
_______________________

**Thanks for sending me a copy of the email you sent T. I think that part of the problem is the tone of the email. Of course, you sent it before you and I talked this afternoon. We have an atmosphere at DIMACS in which we treat all of the staff as professionals and as equals. Somehow, the wording in your email seemed like it was simply telling T what to do rather than discussing it with her. It would have been better to have your ideas come as suggestions as to how you might prefer to have things work or how T or anyone else might make changes in procedures. Also, since we all share jobs and exchange pieces of jobs, it is sometimes necessary to do things in a way that is better for others, even if it is more work. That may be the case with the report system. I do think that this will eventually iterate to a good solution that everyone is happy with. It just means we all have to work on it."

WTF?? How old are we? And, how exactly DID you get a PhD with this kind of "etiquette"?? This was rather immature and shitty of her to send. I chose not to respond - I gave it to my director to handle.

First off, there has never been a time I "did not want to do something." Asking for food to show up magically at 11:45 when IT IS 11:45 is just freaking IMPOSSIBLE!!! Unless, of course, my magic wand is working...or the food comes out of my ass.

I wanted e-mails of what she wants for MY protection - so, sending me e-mails instead of face-to-face conversations is true on her end. BUT, her e-mails are unclear or twisted, and I can't figure out what the hell she wants most of the time - or, they are just completely wrong. If I try to clarify, the answers are just as twisted. It's a no-win situation there. But, my plan of e-mails is working for MY protection now, thank goodness!

Yes, I did go to my boss about my issues first - mainly because the last time I tried to handle an office conflict on my own, it blew up in my face because the person did not like hearing what was REALLY going on...and I suspect the same would have happened here. As much as I am frustrated with F right now, he is a great, great person and has been there for me more times than I can count. We are very similar in work ethics - to a fault really since we both cannot say no to things and we want to make sure things go right on something we have done - and sometimes that will cause minor friction between us. In times like this current situation, I wanted to sound off what I was feeling about S before I spoke to her (I didn't want things misconstrued, which they are anyway and probably would have been had I tried to talk to her on her own) - and he thinks that was the appropriate channel to go through. I was planning on talking to her about everything yesterday - until that second e-mail came in. It is apparent she would not be reasonable about anything.

Oh, F and I HAVE no conflict! No deep-seeded issues! We get along very, very well - and we are in no way putting her in the middle. He and I get into not-so-eye-to-eye talks sometimes, but they always work out. F and my Center Admin get into the same situations at times too. It is the nature of the amount of work we are expected to get done. She can't figure that out because she just hasn't been here long enough to see how we all work together. But, she is insisting this is the heart of the issue - that F and I are just not getting along. That is not the case AT ALL.

And, what the HELL is she sending me a personal e-mail like that from F at the end?!?! F trusted her to use it wisely, she did not. She twisted it yet again...

...Although, I must say that my Director is a CLASS ACT! He was very diplomatic in that section of e-mail...which she could not see.

I come to find out after this second e-mail that she sent some VERY disturbing e-mails to F and our Center Administrator around the same time this e-mail came in to me. Things in no way related to me - but related to others in the office, like "someone wouldn't give her a copy code" (she never asked) and "someone didn't want to give her a parking permit (because it is her responsibility to GO GET A STAFF PERMIT FROM PARKING instead of doing an end-run to not have to shell out the cash for the staff permit!!). It was so bad, F called my Center Admin in to the office on her day off to call University Relations about what to do. I am not sure what was in those e-mails - and I don't care to know. All I know is the issue is WELL beyond just me.

F talked to her again yesterday for almost an hour - she stormed out of his office (which is across from mine) afterwards. He confronted her with a lot of the crap she had been slinging - and also suggested that she talk to me to straighten things out. She does not want to talk to me - she is too "upset" about it.

Pish-pash. She got caught in her own crap.

So, she sent this at 3:59 pm yesterday:

"It would be very difficult for me to handle tomorrow's events. Is it possible to get someone else to do it? I feel quite bad about not being there to see people off after getting to know them over the week, but I have my limits. I've worked every weekend for some time now and put in such long hours this week, I'm exhausted. So I would greatly appreciate if you found a replacement."

Uh, and what am I in the working the weekends department?? Chopped liver??? So glad she acts responsibly for the position of Associate Director.

When F saw that, he told me we would use the speaker to moderate today - and that he would give her the chance to change her mind and have her show up. BUT, when I checked my e-mail last night, I saw this response instead:

"I am sorry that this week has been so exhausting for you. These one-week programs are intensive and everyone works hard at them.

I have to say that telling me at 3:59 PM on a Friday afternoon that you felt you couldn't come in for the planned Saturday morning session of the Reconnect program was not acceptable. However, luckily, I have arranged for coverage so there is no need for you to come in tomorrow."

For F, them's fightin' words! F is the calmest person I know - I have only heard him yell at one person in the 9+ years I have worked here. It looks like she will be #2 soon enough.

I am not sure what is going to happen at this point - all I know is F and my Center Admin trust me and my work and my judgment. They feel I took the right steps to rectify this (especially NOT having talked to her on my own because it would have gotten twisted anyway), and she twisted and turned it to attempt to work in her favor - which it has not. My Center Admin thinks she just an outright cookoo clock and wants to see her go. F is a little more cautious because we DO work for a University and it is hard to fire someone without justification (although she is still in the 90 day trial period of employment - he can terminate without cause right now).

I think the heart of the matter here is she likes to do research, not administrative stuff. Writing reports and moderating programs is probably NOT what she expected out of this job - and she's not happy. She wants to write her papers...but that is not what the job is!

Which is not OUR problem, now is it?

She is still commuting from New York to get here - and she has less than 3 weeks to find a new place around here before she looses her lease on the current house. I think she has been stalling finding a new place (which would require finding a good school district for her 3 children) because she doesn't like her duties here - and was trying to find a way out.

She may have found that out - but not on her terms.

Well, at least the programs are over as of today...I am slowly beginning to dig out of my piles and come back to civilization and learning the Bass Guitar.

I am not sure what is going to happen with her... If she ends up staying, I hope we can come to some sort of workable truce... If she goes, then my workload will get heavier again until a replacement can be found.

I'll keep you posted...

The dangling carrot ( Edited at end )

2007-08-02T08:49:00.001-04:00

This time next week (give or take a few hours - the appointment IS in the afternoon), I will be getting this done with Zia:

Spa Pedicure:

Enjoy a relaxing whirlpool bath with a light salt glow massage for feet and legs. Sea Serum is used to soften the roughest of areas, which are buffed until smooth. Each foot is brushed with a marine masque and wrapped. This treatment ends with an aromatic oil massage for both feet and legs.

Ahhh.... One hour of total, mind-erasing luxury....after several hours of shopping and dining.

That's my dangling carrot for the week, since my magic wand will probably be broken by then.

I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Oh, can I mention how much my hubby ROCKS!! See what he sent me at work this morning, just because he knew I was having a hard time here:

All I wanted to do was cry this morning when I received them.

Me and my Magic Wand

2007-08-01T12:50:00.001-04:00

See this?

This is my Magic Wand.

I can do ANYTHING with this magic wand.

Anything.

No, REALLY, I can!

I can...

...make a catered lunch appear out my ass about 45 minutes before it is supposed to show up from the caterers...just because the main speaker is hungry and forgot to eat breakfast.

...fly someone from South Africa back to the US under $200...after the guy screws up and leaves the US to attend a workshop there - violating his visa status and of course is not allowed back into the US (did I mention I can get him the new visa too?).

...reinvent the e-mail program we use for mailing list...just so our Director can just browse all of the e-mail addresses without looking at anything else that would waste time.

...summon my intuition...so I can come up with an international banking code for my Director's bank account for a payment from Ireland.

Funny, my magic wand seems to only work here at work... It seems to malfunction everywhere else - like, where I REALLY could use it.

....I think I need a new job...

I have just about had it working here.

My passion feeds me

2007-07-21T07:53:00.000-04:00

You know that "For Women Who Do Too Much" calendar I have?? The one I have posted quotes from this past year?

Well, I got this one this morning....

"My passion feeds me.
* Don't ever get too busy for your passion"

And, you know what?

...I have become too busy for my passion.

Actually, I am not sure WHAT my passion is anymore!

How sad is that? But, when you worry about so many things that are beyond your control - and you learn how to shut it off - you realize that the worry, the sadness, the anxiety has robbed you of so many things.

I do have some passions in my life, like my Chris, my husband, my family and friends, my garden, reading, writing, baking, constant music of all genres, sharing my story of IF and Recurrent Loss. But, time has been short lately for most of them...like I mentioned in yesterday's post (Warped perceptions). I don't seem to have that drive to want to really pursue some of them, like reading and writing.

However...

Something has come into my soul that needs an outlet...

Something that has never been realized...

Something I tried when I was about nine years old and quit because it just wasn't me at the time... (besides, what do you really know anyway at nine years old??)

I've decided that, once these programs are over on August 4th (14 days away!!) and time is a little less fleeting, I am actually going to try my hand (**literally**) on playing an instrument.

Whoah!

Where'd that come from??

Well, I love - just LOVE - music. Almost all kinds (well, except for the hard-core, gangster rap - although I love the old-school rap of Run DMC)...especially prog rock (shocking, if you look at my current side-bar). Always have - there is not a moment in the car when something isn't playing on the radio or CD changer. My rides to school on the cheese bus were always with headphones on. My CD collection is very eclectic - from Broadway show tunes, to prog rock, to classic rock like the Beatles, the Who, to classical music, to dance/techno, etc., etc. People would think I am on some sort of trip if they really looked at what I have in my collection. But, I have this need to feel what the music is...the meaning of the songs I am listening to (which is really my main love for prog rock - there is always a hidden meaning somewhere). Sometimes I leave a CD behind (like Queensryche's Mindcrime II) because it just isn't clicking for me and go back to it months or years later until I "get it."

But, after seeing Rush in concert a couple of weeks ago, something changed in me... I am a huge, and I mean HUGE, Queensryche fan - have been for more years than I can count now. I can sing almost every lyric to every song (not that my voice is great, but to me when I am singing, it is. HeeHee!). I have seen them in concert about at least five times, have met the band at Meet & Greets about three times. They put on a GREAT show. Their music calls to me - radiates around things that have happened in my life and I can identify with.

BUT...

But, I can honestly say I have never walked away from a Queensryche concert truly emotionally moved... Inspired by the energy they give off to the crowd and the crowd fed back to them. Amazed that they are playing older songs like they are playing them for the first time. Truly grooving to the music they created as they play show after show after show...

That changed after leaving the Rush show...with me almost wanting to beg at their feet to play more.

Like, I would have EVER touched backstage at that show! Talk about pipe dreams!

Leaving that concert, I came to the realization that, although I love to listen to music, I need to feel the music too. Rockin' out to the music with my car windows open just isn't enough anymore.

Does that make sense?

So, after some thinking and pondering and grooving in the car, I've decided I want to try my hand at this:

Geddy Lee's Fender Jazz Bass Artist Series guitar that Hubby is buying for me tomorrow (used with a discount of course from the assistant store manager over at a local instrument shop that is owed to him - cool lookin' no?) along with this:

which is already sitting in my living room (my amp is a little different from this, but you get the idea).

Now, Hubby already being the guitar player that he is (uh, 30 years worth at this point!), HAS a purple bass guitar in the house - I have noodled with it already (with Chris, who LOVES it!). But, Hubby is so amazed that I have this passion to try my hand at an instrument (my dabble in playing anything was in the 4th grade when I tried flute - after 3 months, it was a disaster...no passion for it nor a desire to evey practice it!) that he felt I needed something superb to play to keep me going (and, well, if I hate it, HE has a great bass guitar!). Plus, he feels that since I am math inclined anyway, bass is perfect for me since it is really a "mathematician's instrument" to play.

So, we will see where this goes over the next few months. We are going to try to set aside 45 minutes one night a week to really give me lessons (any music reading is LOOOONG gone from my brain, and we are going to try to get it back), and see how much I have a desire to play on my own...

Whoah!

Am I sure I really want to do this?!?!

I am excited...and maybe this will give me the chance to relax and forget a bit and let other things happen when they should...

Warped perceptions

2007-07-20T08:07:00.000-04:00

Busy, busy, busy... Feels like life is revolving around me and I can't ever catch up anymore.

...So may blogs I haven't been able to read lately. ...My BG's ignored or if I am lucky, minuscule posts left. ...So many journeys I have had to leave by the wayside. ...My "real life" friends and family putting off plans until I can get through the next few weeks and reappear with my July from hell at work over and done.

How did I do this nine years ago when the programs were six weeks long, not two?

How did I have the patience for the stupid questions these participants have, like "Oh, the hotel van is five minutes late, what do I do?"

...and these people teach our kids in school... SCARY!

Remember when I said I had a good feeling about TTC in June/July (see How much do your trust your instincts?)?

That's in the trash now. I feel no hope or optimism at all.

Nada.

No ovulation this month...after using two boxes of daily ovulation tests. Delays with Dr. D's office setting us back, which helped "produce" the lack of ovulation this month (well, at least it produced something!)... And even if this cycle had progressed right, or I had ovulated on my own, I doubt anything would have worked since I am just dragging myself in from work right now anyway.

...In no mood to DTD.

...More delays...

I've been thinking lately about some of the things that people have either posted to me on my blog, or e-mailed me, or posted on other blogs... The things that make me "look" as if I have it all together... That I am more confident in who I am. Like:

"I love that your blog about something as painful as infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss is entitled "My Many Blessings". It is just that grace and humility that astounds me on a daily basis about the infertility blogosphere, " from Karen at My Perky Ovaries

"You are in such a good place with all of this, Tina. I'm envious. You've worked very hard at it and you deserve the reap the rewards," from Adrienne at Max's Mommy

From Mel's blog over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters:

Redefining Me (referring to an older post): I had a really hard time choosing, but this post spoke to me just a little bit more than the others that I was considering. Tina has come so far in the past year, and this post really shows that. The perspective and peace she has attained with regards to her recurrent losses is inspiring. This post is a reflection on moving forward and loving the now, but still holding the past and the lessons learned in a special place.
from the Friday Blog Roundup Extravaganza

"My Many Blessings was the first blog I came across that wrote about miscarriage. In addition to stories about her son, she shares stories about her three lost babies. It was comforting to read about positive things in her life despite such heartache shortly after my own loss. It appears that she has many readers, but she takes the time to respond to comments despite her hectic life. I really appreciate the help she has given to me during my grieving process"
from Secret Ode Day #2

I wanted to thank all of you - the ones I know and the ones who remain nameless - for the kind comments you have left for me (there are more that I keep stashed in my e-mail...that I don't ever want to throw away). The BIGGEST thing your comments have given me is the sense that my journey has at least helped someone get through their own heartbreak. I suppose that is one of the things we all hope for when we open our lives up for everyone to read. It is heartwarming to know that my life can touch another's - and I don't even need to meet them face-to-face.

But, sometimes, when I read these comments, I wish I knew who you were talking about. These comments don't sound like me to me...especially right now. Make sense?

I guess I am just tired and overworked... I can't say I am in a BAD mood - at least I am not off my rocker like I was pre-Lexapro (even with being off of it for a month now). But, I am frustrated... I want to be back to TTC again and I want my workload to lighten to allow for that.

I just need to get through to August 4th...then I can kick everyone out and go back to "normal."

I wish I knew what to do about TTC now... I have to talk to Hubby over the weekend (err, really Sunday since I have to work all day tomorrow) about it. Do I take Provera now (my secret stash from last fall) and urge the Red Storm to arrive early and start Clomid possibly during the next program? Do I be patient a wee bit, then take Provera, lather, rinse, repeat? Do I wait to see if my period shows all on my own...and risk starting this cycle and monitoring while in vacation over the week of Labor Day???

I gotta think...with half a brain...

Thanks, Rush, for this:

Far Cry
by Rush

Pariah dogs and wandering madmen
Barking at strangers and speaking in tongues
The ebb and flow of tidal fortune
Electrical changes are charging up the young

It's a far cry from the world we thought we'd inherit
It's a far cry from the way we thought we'd share it
You can almost feel the current flowing
You can almost see the circuits blowing

One day I feel I'm on top of the world
And the next it's falling in on me
I can get back on
I can get back on
One day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel,
And the next it's rolling over me
I can get back on
I can get back on

Whirlwind life of faith and betrayal
Rise in anger, fall back, and repeat
Slow degrees on the dark horizon
Full moon rising, lays silver at your feet

You can almost see the circle growing
You can almost feel the planet glowing
One day I fly through a crack in the sky
And the next it's falling in on me
I can get back on
I can get back on

I do feel that "one day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel, and the next it's rolling over me."